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Original poster

My sex drive is non-existent. Am I the only one?

119 replies

goinggreyalready · 14/04/2009 16:25

My sex drive is much lower than DH's and always has been, but I made lots of effort when we were TTC our DS. The lack of action continues to cause rows between DH and me and things certainly aren't improving, even though we would both dearly love another baby (and I'm 36).

I'm starting to feel like some sort of freak and that the rest of the world must be at it like rabbits. Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, what did you do about it? Please share your stories so I can hopefully feel more positive about TTC when I do actually do the deed again

Thanks

OP posts:
nikki1978 · 15/04/2009 20:03

Oneplusone are you saying you would have an 'open' relationship with your DH then?

Not critising just asking

nikki1978 · 15/04/2009 20:06

busterk why do you feel awkward?

Kally · 15/04/2009 20:06

Ok on that theory.... where on the scale of sex urge for reproduction does a post menopausal girl fit in?

I am not quite there yet, but suppose I will be soon. I work hard, still have a child to care for, study, and yet I love sex with the man I am with right now. I think about it as soon as I put my feet to the ground in the morning and first thing when I wake up. ...

But I do remember those child raising years when I was so knackered and ex hubby was walking around complaining he didn't get enough...

Wouldn't it be good if we could send them off to 'hunt' for a week or so whilst the women stayed to raise the children cooperatively, and then they came back, hog in hand and puffed up chests, ... I'm sure we'd all feel a lot more like getting down to business with them.

It's modern lifestyle. Kills sexdrive.

I'd be the old hag on the outskirts chewin on the hide and waiting for the guy who couldn't get none. {grin]... sorry got carried away with the idea...

decafgirl · 15/04/2009 20:22

GoingGreyAlready - this all sounds so familiar! We have an unspoken truce which lasts for a few weeks at a time then hubby obviously comes to the end of his tether and we end up arguing about the lack of 'relations' but the arguing just puts me off more! I would love another child but to be honest I don't even know if it's just my sex drive or I actually just don't fancy him anymore... Let's just say it's not exactly fireworks when we do make the effort...

paolosgirl · 15/04/2009 20:28

It's difficult - if one of you does want sex and the other doesn't, then should the one that wants sex get it - and then how would they feel knowing that they are having sex with someone who doesn't want it? Or - do they do without, and the other person isn't then pressurised into having sex but still ends up feeling guilty.

'Tis a minefield - I'm very grateful for a dh with as low a libido as mine at the moment!

fadingfast · 15/04/2009 21:05

I am very glad to see this thread - could have started it myself. We have two DC, youngest is 12 months. Our sex life was always pretty good but then nosedived after DC1. It was resurrected for conceiving DC2, which took 6 months and a lot of 'effort'.

In the past 12 months we have had sex 3 times. I am just so tired I rarely feel like it, and although I try to get to bed early DH never does. He sometimes makes a half-hearted effort when he comes to bed, but by then I'm more interested in sleeping. I am also still breastfeeding, and I do think that has an impact on my sex drive. DC1 also has a habit of waking up all hours of the night, which puts a dampner on things.

I really do love DH but I feel that our relationship has shifted to one of long-term partnership, with all our energies focussed on caring for the DC. We both work and have no family nearby to help, so get very little time to ourselves and hardly ever go out.

I agree that the more you have the more you want, and I just hope we can keep it going enough to resurrect it properly once the DC are a bit older. I do really miss the intimacy and feel there is something missing from our relationship.

commanderchaos · 15/04/2009 21:40

This all rings bells with me, too. And I decided that losing it wasn't an inevitable consequence of having children (we have a 3 year old DS and still breastfeeding 10 month old dd, who sleeps with us). So I did something about it (for me, obviously) and found this book really helpful - basically taking a holisitc approach to the whole thing.

Still not at it like rabbits (there's a really interesting section on the effect of breastfeeding and hormones), but it's made me feel much more positive about the whole thing.

fadingfast · 15/04/2009 21:54

The book looks good commanderchaos. One of my big problems is that we never actually talk about it. It's like this big unspoken about thing and I don't know how to address it with DH, beyond suggesting we should go to bed earlier. We don't have big rows or anything but just don't ever speak about it. DH can be quite passive and I think would be worried about upsetting me.

It was our wedding anniversary a few days ago and we didn't even manage it then

Clement · 15/04/2009 21:58

can i join the gang. we never never have sex. my dh is resigned to it. i fancy him, and when we do bother, it's worth it, but i'm phobic about getting pregnant - no amount of contraception can convince me i'm safe - and so the whole experience is fraught with terror, and consequently, we've kind of given up. i don't THINK my dh is hiding a massive burden of frustration, and frankly, i don't want to know if he is. we are a very happy family otherwise.

nikki1978 · 15/04/2009 22:12

Clement can't one of you be sterilised to prevent pregnancy?

I think a lot of you have either very tolerant husbands or they also have very low sex drives. Don't think my husband would put up with no sex for long without getting the hump

Clement · 15/04/2009 22:17

i don't think i'd trust that, even. but maybe. it would have to be me, though. what's it like for women? i'll investigate....

i have to say, even without that issue, i can't be bothered with it. oh actually that's because i take prozac. it makes me anorgasmic. i forgot that....

toddlerama · 15/04/2009 22:20

I complained to the GP about no orgasms on antidepressants and she changed my prescription. Was a bit embarassing but she was adamant that it was an 'unacceptable side effect' and I went on to Citalopram instead.

nikki1978 · 15/04/2009 22:21

I would have him do it not you if he wants to - less invasive for a man and less chance of problems. My DH is on the waiting list for the snip at the mo.

Anti-D's are a problem I hear... no experience I'm afraid

Clement · 15/04/2009 22:30

i take prozac for anxiety and it's like a miracle cure. the thought of risking even a day of terror for the sake of an orgasm doesn't bear thinking about. so i would really hesitate to change drugs. i've just googled female sterilisation and it's only as effective as the coil i already have.... so maybe i should take the bull by the horns and just take the (minimal) risk!

Cailleachna · 15/04/2009 22:30

I noticed that I was hardly ever in the mood and when we did have sex I wasn't enojying it that much. I presumed it was tiredness, working nights, baby around etc. Then I accidentally ended up coming off the Micronor the GP put me on for contraception whilst breastfeeding, and my GAWD my sex drive came back with a vengeance! Then I realised that in the fortnight between my post-partum bleeding stopping and the doc putting me on the Micronor, I'd been mad for it...now I'm back on the pill and my libido is done for again. So for the sake of breastfeeding, I'm living with it, but it is driving both DH and I mad...

Clement · 15/04/2009 22:31

we have a friend who really really suffered after his vasectomy - i don't think my dh could be persuaded, and i wouldn't want him to either. no, i really have to conquer the fear, it's irrational. i'm probably using it as an excuse for laziness and old age anyway...

paolosgirl · 15/04/2009 22:42

DH had the snip - and I STILL worry about getting pregnant! DC3 was a surprise before DH had the snip, and whilst my logical side tells me that I'm really not going to get pregnant again, there's always that little voice telling me that it can (and does) happen.

FatFree · 15/04/2009 22:54

I have a diff problem, my oh would like it every night but i just dont seem to be in the mood anymore.

When we do get down to it, and i let myself go then its great, but frankly give me a shower head and my imagination and i'm a happy bunny

Sorry had too much wine, and surely its TMI

Doire44 · 15/04/2009 22:56

Have only read some of the thread but I got fed up of not being inthe mood and was sure I coild learn to love sex again. So I set dh and I a challenge of doing it every day for a month. The novelty wore off after a few days but we stuck with it and now even though we're back down to 2/3 times a week, it doesn't feel like a chore and we both seem to have found our confidence again. its worth a try

ABetaDad · 16/04/2009 08:41

Reading through the posts on this thread has made me feel very sad over the last few days. The pain, unhappiness and guilt being expressed by so many of you is tangible and I am sure that there is the same pain, unhappiness and gulit being felt by your DP/DH too.

This thread has struck a very deep chord with me and you may be surprised to know why. Well, big confession time, because in our relationship it is me that has had the low libido in my relationship with my wife so goinggreyalready I hope you feel I rose to your challenge and I hope a few more blokes step up to the plate on this:

"Can you imagine if our OHs were discussing this on a mens talk website! Not bl**dy likely! As women/mums/wives we really do far more than our fair share of feeling guilty don't we? Oh to be a man."

Let me say, I know exactly where you and so many other posters are right now. Also let me say that it does not have to be this way and as I have found there is a way through this. As nikki1978 says and you also suggest later on - there is always a reason why it is happening. Finding the reason, be it physical, medical, emotional or just circumstances and then making a real personal commitment to deal with it and above all talking to your partner and being open and painfully honest is the start.

Dealing with my own low libido has been a difficult journey that has taken me over a year but it has worked. Beginning with almost no sex drive at all a year ago and now today, indeed this very morning, becoming spontaneously aroused for the first time in several years just by my wife giggling putting her arms round me and wiggling her bottom in a nice new pair of trousers. I know that is TMI - but it was such a shock to feel that way after so long. I did not know where to put myself. It can happen. Do not give up hope.

I want to come back later and post some more as I am a bit busy now but just wanted to say I feel so happy this morning and you all can too.

ARAG · 16/04/2009 08:52

Haven't read the whole thread, but my husband just made fun of me having sex so I am officially boycotting, Lysistrata-style. Talk about a libido-killer! Hard enough to feel sexy while bf, poop-wiping, tantrum-quelling, etc. What an ass!

Generally though, I agree with the more-you-do-more-you-will-do thing, and the more-libido-if-you-feel-good-about-yourself-and-sexy advice.

Dammit! My tea just went cold! A metaphor...

commanderchaos · 16/04/2009 09:33

Respect to betadad - thank you for being so honest.

I can't say we have sorted it yet - I think the breastfeeding is the thing - but the key has definitely been to talk about it. I am blessed with a super-supportive articulate DH, which does help. But the key thing, especially for him, was to identify it as me having low libido. Not that it was 'my fault' or that I didn't fancy him any more. But that a number of factors (no time to myself, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not working at the moment, all the usual) meant that the libido just got a bit squashed. But it's such an important part of life (in fact, the book I mentioned talks about how it is in some ways the essence of being alive; being sensual, alive to the world)that I thought I had to get over the embarrasment (sp?) and just talk about it (he's seen me give birth twice ffs, so what's to be about?). And it really really helped.

commanderchaos · 16/04/2009 09:40

oops - just re-read that. i meant that DH likes talking bout things a lot and is v sensitive. not meaning to imply that other DHs aren't articulate.

MiniMarmite · 16/04/2009 12:49

I was going to post about this too so thank you GGA for starting this thread!

DH and I used to have a comparable sex drive but I just don't seem to feel 'the urge' anymore. DS is 7 months old and I'm still breastfeeding so I wonder if that has something to do with it (a quick Google suggests perhaps, yes). I feel very 'touched out' too even though I now only feed for around an hour a day now. He's so lovely and wants me to feel ready but I keep telling him he needs to pester me a bit more otherwise it might never happen!

I'm not ready for another baby yet but miss my husband and want to want to have sex IYSWIM!

Ok, I feel like less of a freak now but think I might need to do something about it!

sandyballs · 16/04/2009 13:13

Interesting thread. I definitely feel that kids put a damper on your sex drive. My twins are 8 now so obviously don't have all the tiredness and full-on child stuff that tiny ones demand, but it still is pretty tiring and I find I don't have much time to think about sex. I used to kind of build up to it in the day with sexy thoughts, but now those thoughts are more about brownie camp or school uniforms . Very sad really, and I need to do something about it.

I have definitely lost my sexual confidence, and even feel a bit daft initiating sex with DH. He hasn't got a very high libido himself but would like it a bit more often. I think it connects you in a way that can't be achieved completely with other joint activities.