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Original poster

We're not shagging -- this is what DH says is the reason

121 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:05

I should namechange but can't be bothered. You all know by now that my marriage is rocky!

When I met DH we did it all the time. Since marriage and kids, it has seriously dwindled. Now we're down to about once a month, if that. It's been like this for ages - well before DS2.

If I don't mention it, he doesn't talk about it. Last night, I did mention it. This is what he said:

That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex. (Sorry, I am at that since we had no "emotional connection" on our 2nd date but he was still trying to rip my bra off.) In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.

He says he tries to sit next to me on the sofa but I just brush him away, and hat I see to be in a bad mood with him quite often. (That might be true, but it's all just depressing me.)

The conversation just dwindled off, then we fell asleep.

I've wondered if he was having an affair, purely because I don't believe that a man can exist on ten shags a year, but have never found the slightest shred of evidence.

Any ideas? Could he be telling the truth about the "emotional connection"? Has anyone else had anything similar? And should I make more of an effort to "connect" with him "emotionally"? Help.

OP posts:
SoupDreggon · 09/04/2009 13:08

'should I make more of an effort to "connect" with him "emotionally"?'

If you want to save your marriage, yes.

SoupDreggon · 09/04/2009 13:09

You also need to tell him your side of this and what you need though.

BonsoirAnna · 09/04/2009 13:10

Yes, you should make more of an effort to "connect with him emotionally".

You need to spend time alone together... Can you both take a day off work to spend in bed?

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 13:10

"That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex"

Well yes, that is how I feel TBH. A sulky DH is a very unarousing thing.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 09/04/2009 13:11

i think this is something women often complain of.. they don;t feel that emotional bond, they feel like the baby maker/wife/ mother not a lover,. and need to feel close to their DH on mnay levels , not just physical ones to want to be initimate

if your marriage is rocky, then that comes from both of you surely? you both need to work at it

he is crying out for your attention, not just sexually, but conversationally, emotionally, on a day to day basis

if he says you are like a blank wall, that you brush him away, you can hardly expect your sex life to be bouncing off the ceilings

he is telling you clearly what the problem is

you need to address it together

he must want to make things work, he is telling you what the issues are

do you want to make it work

you sound thoroughly bored and irritated by the whole thing

fattiemumma · 09/04/2009 13:12

your husband has described exactly how a great man women feel about their sex lives.

there are hundreds of threads on MN from women who dont want to be treated as a blow up doll, want to feel an emotional connection.

why should his explenation be dismissed simply because he is male?

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 13:17

Well, if he was having an affair he wouldn't be bothered abut the lack of emotional connection between you would he?. Sounds like kids, life etc has come between you. I'm sorry I haven't read your posts about what other problems there are so I don't know if you actually want to save your marriage but this seems quite an very open and emotional reaction coming from a bloke. Sounds like he feels neglected and is v unhappy with how things are between you. You should be glad he has said this at the point where he still cares - ignore it at your peril I would say.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:25

Really?? But... It's not like we have intense, face-strokey, emotional sex. The things he likes in bed are by no means emotional! It just doesn't seem to fit.

I'm willing to take all your suggestions and advice on board, but it doesn't really ring true to me that he is emotionally starved. Are all of you making a daily effort to feed your men emotionally? And surely if he were that bothered, he would have brought the subject up himself? He never talks about his feelings unless I drag it out of him, so again, how emotional can he really be?

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 09/04/2009 13:27

im the least emotional person your likely to meet this side of a cyborg.

but i don't like having sex if i don't feel an emotional connection with teh person.

the type of sex is unimportant.

IheartEASTEREGGS · 09/04/2009 13:27

I can almost see you going at your DH while he is telling you that he doesnt feel close to you emotionally!
It comes across clearly from your posts that you feel irritated by him and dismissive of his thoughts. No wonder he doesnt want to have sex with you more often.
Why do you want to have sex with him so much if you cant be bothered to cuddle him on the sofa or spend time with him in the evenings?

You really do need to connect with him a bit more and make a real effort to spend time together (not just in bed!) if you want to save your marriage I think.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 09/04/2009 13:28

you have a loud and clear message in front of you and you persist in being dismissive!!

sex does not have to be emotional. it can be different things every time.

emotional connection is not face stroking/i love you to the ends of the earth blah blah blah

it is lsitening to the other person, being open, warm and sympathetic. not being a brick wall

it is making a cup of tea for the person you love beacsue they are tired

it is giving them a hug or smile a squeeze of the hand just to show you are there

it is not spending all day in your skimpies being available and being full on.

he clearly feels you are detached and wants to make it right

if he is not good at talking about his feelings and he has told you this, it must hvae takena lot of effort, don;t throw it back in his face

ConnorTraceptive · 09/04/2009 13:31

I have to agree with others your tone about your DH is very dismissive. You sound irritated and bored with him tbh

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 13:31

But why do you want to have sex with someone who irritates you and with whom you don't talk or have any kind of emotional contact? I'd prefer my lovely rabbit friend in those circumstances!

FioFio · 09/04/2009 13:33

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howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 13:34

I feel very sorry for him. He obviously feels that he isn't appreciated.
Do you feel any responsibility for what he describes? Does it ring true? Do you talk to him about his day, his feelings, his hopes for the future, his worries etc etc?

I think you have to accept that most, but not all, men find it hard to open up emotionally. But just'cos he finds it hard does not mean he doesn't want to talk.

Have you asked him what for him, and "emotional connection" means? Can he say what he would like you to do differently?

I also think you maybe think that everyone is having sex more than they really are; I know of 3 close friends who rarely have sex with their DHs ( or anyone else come to that!!). We are probably a lot older than you (50s) but the reason they aren't doing it is because they don't feel any emotional connection with their DHs. This is maybe not representative of the entire poplation, but Is till think once a month is okay-ish and not the reason he would have an affair. Most people have affairs because they like the attention and the feeling of being special/cared for.

I think you both need to do a lot of talking- and you need to do a lot of listening.

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 09/04/2009 13:35

I think you're being naive. It is not so unbelievable that a man may want to have an emotional connection with his wife. Sex can be just as mechanical for a man as it can for woman if the emotion isn't there, regardless of the 'type' of sex/shag it is. You are in danger of treating like a sex toy and I doubt he would be particularly happy about that.

I think you need to go to Relate. At the moment, it sounds like you are withholding yourself emotionally and he is feeling like a performing monkey.

thumbbunny · 09/04/2009 13:36

Beautiful, I am sad to see you here! After your stepford wife thread, I thought things were getting better!
I think that others have said what needs to be said already - you need to look at this man as an emotional human being, not just the man who lives in your house and co-parents your children - he does have emotional needs too, and if he feels that you are an emotional vacuum, then it's going to put him off intimacy of any kind with you, because what is he getting out of it?

Persistent negativity, even just lack of interest in the other person and their feelings, is very destructive in a slow drip sort of way.

He's given you the key - now you need to remind yourself what it is that you love(d) about this man, without adding in the "yeah but he does/is X which is really annoying".

You tried it with the Stepford Wife thing - you said it caused an improvement - try it again, maybe, but with a more emotional angle to it - think about his emotional needs rather than his physical needs.

hope it works out for you.

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 13:36

It is a daily effort to feed a partner emotionally - although I'm not sure that's how I would describe it - feed the relationship perhaps.

It's the small things like a kiss or a smile when you are sat together on the sofa- if you fall out of that habit of being happy together you become separate, isolated while together.

It's not about emotional strokey faced sex - who has that in a long term relationship? But he has clearly told you that he feels something has been lost between you and you sound like your response is dismissive irritation. I wouldn't be too hard on him for not bringing it up before - he didn't really get much of a hearing when you dragged it out of him did he?

Your relationship sounds in this respect to be a reversal of the usual situation between couples as others have said above,

I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a partner who was sat beside me of an evening bristling with irritation and unwilling to engage in any kind of affectionate behaviour.

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:37

maybe he has a dick problem and is too scared to go to the doctors - seriously - all this touchy feely stuff is nice girls - that a man need an emotional connection - but its bullshit on a stick. if a fella wants a shag -he just does. you dont have to stroke his hair and buy him flowers to get him in the mood.

men and women are different - we work differently - and if this were the other way around - then i would be suggesting a little romance.

as long as your not a harridan all the time, i can't see how this can be an excuse for not getting any.

maybe the real reeasons would either hurt your feelings ( like he doesn't want to shag you cos you wear granny knickers or something) or he has a dick problem -i reckon he has a hormone/dick problem

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 09/04/2009 13:38

custy, men do have feelings and emotions. really, they do.

EffiePerine · 09/04/2009 13:40

'Are all of you making a daily effort to feed your men emotionally?'

What do you think marriage is about?

I'm guilty of blocking DH out when stressed/tired, he has rightly called me on it several times. As have I if he's being an arse. Because an emotional connection, be it sex, having a chat, sharing food or just watching telly together is important

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 13:41

Beautiful i know you did the stepford thing for a while - that involved giving DH a lot of attention i think - did that change things in the bedroom department?

Just thinking that if not, the problem may be something else.

If it did improve things, maybe you should try that thing of sitting down together for a proper dinner once a week and actually talking etc and see if that helps.

FioFio · 09/04/2009 13:41

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beanieb · 09/04/2009 13:42

I think that what he is saying is that you both need to make more effort. Could you go to bed at the same time for a start?

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 13:43

Crikey custardo my DH wouldn't want to shag me if I wasn't nice to him. He's not a robot.

And ditto vice versa.

He always says this whole idea that all men are the same, they're only interested in one thing etc ect is cobblers and why aren't men allowed to have differences, the same as women.