Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

We're not shagging -- this is what DH says is the reason

121 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:05

I should namechange but can't be bothered. You all know by now that my marriage is rocky!

When I met DH we did it all the time. Since marriage and kids, it has seriously dwindled. Now we're down to about once a month, if that. It's been like this for ages - well before DS2.

If I don't mention it, he doesn't talk about it. Last night, I did mention it. This is what he said:

That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex. (Sorry, I am at that since we had no "emotional connection" on our 2nd date but he was still trying to rip my bra off.) In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.

He says he tries to sit next to me on the sofa but I just brush him away, and hat I see to be in a bad mood with him quite often. (That might be true, but it's all just depressing me.)

The conversation just dwindled off, then we fell asleep.

I've wondered if he was having an affair, purely because I don't believe that a man can exist on ten shags a year, but have never found the slightest shred of evidence.

Any ideas? Could he be telling the truth about the "emotional connection"? Has anyone else had anything similar? And should I make more of an effort to "connect" with him "emotionally"? Help.

OP posts:

allthetwinklystars · 09/04/2009 14:02

Without getting into the do-men-need-an-emotional-connection debate, I'd say have an evening out - nice meal, bottle of wine etc - more than once if you can manage/afford it and see if that helps. Sometimes you'll never have more than the 'blank wall' at home, but if you go out it can bring back some of the 'magic'. Sorry to be so corny, I was when my mum told me to do the above, but it worked a treat!

Tortington · 09/04/2009 14:04

mrs boogie,
1)i didn't say that men should shag at the drop of a hat.
2)i've been married an awfully long time, so have a little idea of long term relationship

3)your putting your own interpretation on what i said - which isn't what i said at all

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 14:05

Oh sorry beautiful missed that!

It is important - as when you were doing that you would have been giving him lots of attention and so if what he says is true, during the stepford era you would have been at it like rabbits.

Not saying that being stepford is a good thing, obvously, but as the experiments already been done it seems sensible to see what the results were!

Pepa · 09/04/2009 14:11

Beautiful can I politely suggest as much as I love MN that it might be better to ask your DH what HE means by an emotional connection and more importantly what HE thinks you guys can do to reestablish one. It doesn't really matter what all of us think about whether men need an emotional connection or not to shag....what matters is what your DH thinks HE needs.

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 14:17

Beautiful - are you thinking there is another reason because if there isn't, it puts you under some pressure to mahe changes toy our behaviour and you can't be arsed, to put it bluntly?

What OTHER reason do you think there might be? Erectile problems? Any evidence of this?

Is he saying he doesn'tlove you any more? Is he wanting you to understand that lack of emotional connection means end of marriage but he dare not be the one to end it?

It just seems from what you post, that youwant some easy reason that doesn't involve you or how you behave- and you also seem to be under the mis-apprehension that men can perform in the bedroom regardless of what is going on in their heads...well, many men can and do, but that doesn't mean it is what your DH wants.

You seem to have a very cold and cyncial idea of what sex should be like...devoid of emotion to be blunt.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:30

Thank you! Yes I do seem to have a rather cold view of him, don't I? That he needs to be the one making all the effort/running while I waft around, wall-like. And yes, I agree that I seem to sound irritated by him.

I don't think I'm searching for the "real" reason because it'll save me changing... just that it's niggling at me. This emotional stuff doesn't ring true at all. So either I don't understand my husband (which could be the problem - I don't seem to know him very well), or I'm picking up on things that mean there is a reason, but just not the one he's willing to admit.

The odd thing is, he is being nicer to me than ever, but just so distant sexually.

Mum says it's because he's vegetarian, he needs Iron.

OP posts:

HortonHatchesTheChocolateEgg · 09/04/2009 14:32

If I were you, Beautiful, I'd try making more of an emotional connection. I'm aware that I fall down in this area, too, and I do have to try. I'm a very self-contained person and DH is not and needs stuff that I don't naturally offer. So how about for the next month, you make an effort to do three nice things a day that show him that you want to have a physical and emotional connection with him?

Say thank you when he's done something dull like making you a cup of tea or putting the bins out.

Give him a hug that he hasn't asked for, just because.

Smile at him.

Store up one thing that you've read or seen that day to tell him about, something that would make him smile or that he's interested in.

Go and sit next to him on the sofa.

Make something he particularly enjoys for dinner and make it clear that you did it for that reason.

Buy him something he likes (not talking spending loads of cash, I mean a magazine or a packet of crisps or some soap or some fruit that he likes) and tell him you thought he'd like it.

Make a plan to spend some time doing something you both enjoy (not bed, something else).

Watch something together on television.

Stuff like that. I can happily go for weeks without speaking to another living human but DH needs lots of contact and so I make an effort to do this stuff that I suspect more sociable people than me do naturally.

EffiePerine · 09/04/2009 14:32

Please tell me you aren't discussing your sex life with your mum!

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 14:33

ROLF effie - that occurred to me too! I think what would put the mockers on any shagging for a while

EffiePerine · 09/04/2009 14:34

v good tips Horton, DH and I have a similar dynamic and I try and do those. Esp buying little things he might like - everyone likes presents . He does the same back (when he isn;t completely snowed under with work, as he is at the moment)

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 14:35

Men need to know that you are proud of them and that you need them. Your dismissive blank and unemotional attitude to your husband will be diminshing his self esteem, the bit that makes him a 'man'. (I ahve been in similar instances with my dh)

How can he get jiggy when he feels like you treat him like a worm? He's probably worn out trying. You have to give him a bit of encouragement if you want some action.

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 14:42

custardo I think we all put our own interpretation on what others post but you said " a man need an emotional connection - but its bullshit on a stick. if a fella wants a shag -he just does. you dont have to stroke his hair and buy him flowers to get him in the mood. " men and women are different - we work differently - and if this were the other way around - then i would be suggesting a little romance."

what I meant was that if a bloke wants to shag a woman then yeah he just does - but maybe if it is the same woman he has been living with for years its not necessarily quite so automatic. Maybe he does need to feel there's something between them? I think it is too much of a generalisation to say that men and women work differently - there's a great deal of overlap in how we feel.

whoisasking · 09/04/2009 14:42

I'm a bit

Beautiful, you seem to be cherry picking the responses which bear out what you want to believe, which appears to be that your DH is lying to you about why your sex life has dwindled.

I wonder why he would do that? Why would he lie? You've said you have no evidence to suggest an affair, so I'm not quite sure what you're getting at?

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:42

Horton, I like those tips. Thanks.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 09/04/2009 14:45

lol at your mum.

'That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex. (Sorry, I am at that since we had no "emotional connection" on our 2nd date but he was still trying to rip my bra off.) In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.'

that could be me saying that to my dh.why would i want intamacy with someone who when they can be arsed to talk to me,speaks to me like im a disliked stranger.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:45

Whoisasking... it's just that it didn't feel like he was telling the truth. And the conversation just sort of dwindled... like it would if you lied to someone and they seemed to believe the lie, you'd be quite happy if the convo were to end with no further questions. If you'd just finally admitted the reason your sex life had been pretty bad for five years, surely you'd keep going until it was sorted? It would be such a relief, you'd want it to be understood peoperly and all sorted, wouldn't you?

I dunno.

OP posts:

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 14:48

Perhaps if he feels he's getting nothing back from you it would be a futile exercise to continue the conversation.

I can see why you are cross with your dh, its always 'us' that have to solve the problems in partnerships, but it sounds like he is really trying to sort this out and ha spresented you with what he feels the problem is.

Can you explain to him why you feel emotionally disconnected towards him?

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:50

Horton, does your DH still want to bonk you even if you've not done anything to foster your Emotional Connection?

OP posts:

HortonHatchesTheChocolateEgg · 09/04/2009 14:50

It's a pleasure, Beautiful. I'm betting if you can keep it up for a month, even if your sex life hasn't improved, the likelihood of being able to discuss the problems sensibly will have shot up.

And nice to know others are a bit like us, Effie. I do sometimes feel like a bit of a nutter for having to try so hard at what other people manage without thinking.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:53

A month?

OP posts:

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 14:53

Actually to a large extent I agree with Custardo.
My dh will do it for a lick of the choc ice wrapper.

I'm not saying that men don't want emotional connection but that the vast majority are able to separate emotions from the sexual act and get gratification from that.
I have no idea of your background Beautiful, but am wondering if your dh is providing you with emotional support? It is always easier to support others if you are feeling supported yourself.
Is he a man who has always wanted emotional stuff or is this something new?
I imagine there is another underlying cause, and that's why he needs to connect.
Is he anxious? depressed? worried?
I think you need to sit down and talk more, preferably not at night, when you're both knackered. Make some time to actually have sex, remember the more you shag, the more you want to shag.

HortonHatchesTheChocolateEgg · 09/04/2009 14:56

Beautiful, I don't think he would want sex in the same way if I didn't make an effort. If you're an adult and have chosen to marry or live with someone it makes sense that sexually what you want is sex with someone you really like and who also likes you, no?

thumbbunny · 09/04/2009 15:14

Beautiful - I think if your DH had given you that response about an emotional connection, a lot would have depended on your reaction to it as to how the convo then proceeded.

So if you had gone in any fashion (raised eyebrows, said "oh really", laughed or sneered at him or just looked like you thought it was a load of shite) then it's highly unlikely he would have bothered to continue - he's more likely to have thought "why bother?"

If otoh, you had said "Really? Emotional connection? what do you mean by that, can you explain? How am I not connecting to you?" and shown ANY level of interest in his response, he might have been encouraged to expand on it some!

Be honest with yourself - do you actually care what he thinks? Or is it all about you? Are you aware of how your behaviour impacts on him, and what your face and tone of voice are like when you interact with him?

sayithowitis · 09/04/2009 15:46

Beautiful, it sounds to me that you want him to be lying so that you don't have to ber any responsibility for the situation you are in.

You don't seem to believe that a man can have emotional needs, if those needs do not match up with your ideas of what is involved, eg: face stroking sex etc. Just because his needs are not a text book copy of yours, does not mean they are any less real or valid than any needs you might have.

Instead of constantly looking for reasons to disbelieve him, why not go along with it? Give it a realistic chance to have a positive effect on your relationship, maybe a month, maybe longer. If his perceived lack of emotional connection is causing erectile problems for him ( and it really could!), it may take longer to sort out, in fact it probably will take longer.

You have had some excellant advice on here, the most important IMO, being to listen to what he says. Then act upon it.

Not all men are always up for it whether there is a choc ice involved or not, but certainly, if you make him feel important to you other than just as a stud, I bet you will find he is much more ready to be up for it with you.

thedolly · 09/04/2009 16:03

BEAUTIFUL - what was the context of the conversation between you and DH? Did you try to initiate sex and did he turn you down flat or did you talk about it over lunch/whilst sitting on the sofa/in bed?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread