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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're not shagging -- this is what DH says is the reason

121 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:05

I should namechange but can't be bothered. You all know by now that my marriage is rocky!

When I met DH we did it all the time. Since marriage and kids, it has seriously dwindled. Now we're down to about once a month, if that. It's been like this for ages - well before DS2.

If I don't mention it, he doesn't talk about it. Last night, I did mention it. This is what he said:

That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex. (Sorry, I am at that since we had no "emotional connection" on our 2nd date but he was still trying to rip my bra off.) In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.

He says he tries to sit next to me on the sofa but I just brush him away, and hat I see to be in a bad mood with him quite often. (That might be true, but it's all just depressing me.)

The conversation just dwindled off, then we fell asleep.

I've wondered if he was having an affair, purely because I don't believe that a man can exist on ten shags a year, but have never found the slightest shred of evidence.

Any ideas? Could he be telling the truth about the "emotional connection"? Has anyone else had anything similar? And should I make more of an effort to "connect" with him "emotionally"? Help.

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 09/04/2009 16:35

BEAUTIFUL - the sex has gone from your mariage because I think there are issues in it that are not being dealt with - what are they? Many women on MN say they do not want sex with their DH because he is treating them badly. Same goes in reverse. I do think you need to deal with the issues (whatever they are) and treat him with love and respect and your DH will want sex.

thumbbunny - been there, done that got the T shirt. Sex while TTC can be very difficult for a man. It is even harder when going through IVF. The woman in a relationship obviously wants a lot of sex for an obvious reason at a specific time. Blokes do not work like that - we are not machines. Without emotion the whole process and pressure of having to perform to order is deadening. Give your DH/DP lots of love and support, he really does need it.

Decent men who are in love with their partner in a long term relationship/mariage want to have an emotional connection in sex. Men have emotions as I am glad many posters recognise and I think it is actually very disrespecful the way that some posters on MN characterise the way men think about sex. If men came on here and wrote things about women like that they would be rightly flamed.

I hope some more blokes come on this thread to give their view. Someone/me clearly need to start a thread on DadsNet about this issue.

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 16:55

Abetadad- you are right. Men can shag without emotional connection, but they often say , imo, that it is no more than scratching an itch, and just a bit better than a wank, tbh.

Most men want sex and an emotional connection, as do most women.

thedolly · 09/04/2009 16:55

Having re-read OP I've worked out that you were in bed. I am assuming it was late in the evening. Never the best time for any kind of discussion. Talk about it again in the daytime/early evening when you are both more alert. Oh yeah, and let down that 'wall' .

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 17:02

Betadad I understand what you are saying, but you have to bear in mind that many many men perpetuate the myth that men are able to separate emotional love from sex. You only have to look at the stock phrase of men who have affairs "It was only sex"
In a long term monogamous relationship emotional connection ebbs and wanes depending on your personal state of mind and outside influences like work, children, finance. In a healthy relationship I believe that is completely normal and acceptable and should not overtly affect your sex life

jugglingwoman · 09/04/2009 17:05

I'm wondering if I've chosen the wrong men all my life!

My husband cannot 'perform' if he's not 'in the mood', feeling loved and supported as well as desired. I'm the same. I've had ex-boyfriends who also couldn't 'perform' if something was bothering them.

Men as ABetaDad said, are not machines! If my husband could do that without emotion, I'd probably worry actually. I used to be able to do emotionless sex and my friends have always said it's a 'male approach' so why can't men have a 'female approach'?

Beautiful, If I was you I'd spend time talking to your husband more. Sit next to him, try to make the time to listen. My husband when worrying about things goes distant and it puts me off sex!! Saying that, sometimes I'm busy/stressed and it goes the other way.

What's the worst thing that will happen? You'll find out your fears are correct and that's not the real reason. The best and you'll have a much healthier relationship and great sex!

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 17:07

"In a healthy relationship I believe that is completely normal and acceptable and should not overtly affect your sex life
"

Now you see I totally agree with the first part of that. But to my mind the second part is the same. It fluctuates. Your sex life isn't divorced from everything else.

dittany · 09/04/2009 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuffinBaker · 09/04/2009 17:19

My DH doesn't want to have sex, and it won't happen, if we have barely seen each all day or had any kind of emotional connection.

Give him a break.

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 18:09

you're right Orm.
I don't know how to express myself on this.
I was thinking along the lines of withholding sex and whether this could be used against someone in a control capacity
and seperately
whether you can continue with a "normal" (for you) sexual relationship accepting that emotionally you might be at different places at different times.?
Dykwim????

ABetaDad · 09/04/2009 18:10

OrmIrian - I agree. It does fluctuate with what is hapening in my own and DW life.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 18:10

Thanks for all the responses. I've been with the kids all afternoon so haven't been able to reply. I wish I could reply to all of you as I'm so grateful for your ideas and input, even the negative ones. they have given me a kick up the arse!

Dittany - you nailed it with the word "passive". DH is NOT a man to bring things up (pun not intended). If I feel there are things bothering him I have to draaaaaaggg them out of him. This sex thing is the perfect example.

I've said to him before that I don't feel very loved, and just the odd word here and there would greatly help. His reply? "I'm a man!" I.E., I'm not one to gush about my feelings. So if I'm a bit when he bangs on about an "emotional connection", it might be because he's not interested in my emotional connection.

It felt to me, last night, that this is another example of how he makes every problem my fault. If I go to him saying I'm upset, he immediately says, "Well, I'm upset about X,Y,Z." Which isn't much help.

Oh, I dunno!

OP posts:

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 18:15

I think I know what you mean then Beautiful.
My dh is not an emotional man verbally.
I know that sex is important for us to connect on that level so if he started saying he didn't want sex due to emotional reasons it would be a total turnaround.

dittany · 09/04/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 18:31

I agree dittany

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 18:37

Yes, it drives me insane. Whatever I do, I always feel that it's just not quite good enough.

He's not a bastard, but I'm not prepared to start pandering to his emotional needs when he's done fuck all to pander to mine.

In short.

That's why I was . It's the way he turns it around, every time. It's always always my fault, and I got the impression that he was just fishing around for something to pin the lack of sex on.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 18:59

Maybe he over egged it with all his talk of emotional connections - maybe what he simply means is it is a turn off (or not a turn on) to spend time with you when you are bored/grumpy/dismissive/never crack a smile in his direction. You said you go to bed at different times - who goes first as a rule?

Anyway the fundamental problem is that you are not on the same side - its all a bit he/she doesn't do this for me so why should I do this for him/her, tit for tat and not much of a united front isn't it? You are supposed to love each other, his happiness should be yours and vice versa. Assuming you made each other happy when you got together you have both lost something - the question is do you want to get it back again?

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 19:36

Oooh - update.

So I'd got myself fuming when he got home. I was all frosty and ice-maidenish, and he RUINED it by taking both DSs off me so I could have a rest. but not to be outdone by a bit of soft-soap, I said that i felt angry about our chat last night as it sounded like he was blaming everything on me.

He then said that he hadn't meant it like that. That he really wanted us to get closer again. That he was dying to bonk me but there was a "wall" there that we needed to break down, together.

And that he'd been thinking about how stressed I am lately with the kids, so he was going to go to the local beauty salon and book me half a day's pampering tomorrow.

Which completely ruined my mood - how selfish of him!

It's way too late to get any treatments probably, but an unexpectedly lovely thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 19:38

He also said that he wants us to talk about this properly later, after both boys are asleep.

Do you think he wants me to go to the salon tomorrow so he can meet someone else while I'm there? (If I actually think like that, am I mentally unstable?)

OP posts:

beanieb · 09/04/2009 19:39

well, he doesn't sound abusive to me. He sounds like he's trying to make an effort to improve things. If both of you work on it, and that doesn't mean being passive, then I'm sure things will get better.

SoupDreggon · 09/04/2009 19:59

"Do you think he wants me to go to the salon tomorrow so he can meet someone else while I'm there?"

FFS he can't do anything right can he??

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 20:05

lol!

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 09/04/2009 20:06

BEAUTIFUL - Wow! This man is a saint, he is wooing you. Do not push him away. Talk until the morning if you have to.

Glass of wine, bath together and candles anyone - or is that too early?

I want to read the surrendered woman thread now. Where is it?

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 20:10

It's on Classics - "Does anyone fancy going a little bit Stepford with me?".

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 20:42

It's as if you want him to do something wrong OP.

For goodness sake just listen to him tonight, he is really making an effort, listen and smile and try to remember why you love(d) him.

thedolly · 09/04/2009 20:58

Play your cards right and you might get some tonight .

If you do, try to keep the momentum going this time by doing something nice for each other each day. Your doing something nice for him could be something like not thinking negative thoughts about him - it's all part of dismantling the wall .

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