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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're not shagging -- this is what DH says is the reason

121 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:05

I should namechange but can't be bothered. You all know by now that my marriage is rocky!

When I met DH we did it all the time. Since marriage and kids, it has seriously dwindled. Now we're down to about once a month, if that. It's been like this for ages - well before DS2.

If I don't mention it, he doesn't talk about it. Last night, I did mention it. This is what he said:

That he needs to feel an emotional connection to want sex. (Sorry, I am at that since we had no "emotional connection" on our 2nd date but he was still trying to rip my bra off.) In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.

He says he tries to sit next to me on the sofa but I just brush him away, and hat I see to be in a bad mood with him quite often. (That might be true, but it's all just depressing me.)

The conversation just dwindled off, then we fell asleep.

I've wondered if he was having an affair, purely because I don't believe that a man can exist on ten shags a year, but have never found the slightest shred of evidence.

Any ideas? Could he be telling the truth about the "emotional connection"? Has anyone else had anything similar? And should I make more of an effort to "connect" with him "emotionally"? Help.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 13:44

if he had a "dick problem" he wouldn't be talking about emotional connections. That's not the sort of thing that would occur to a bloke unless it was true custardo

It's not necessarily about romance - no one said he should be wooed with flowers and soft lights (although in this case I'm sure it would be a great idea) its about spending every evening with a stony faced bored grump (sorry OP) how is that going to get anyone in the mood?

And men aren't sex machines - that's crap.

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 13:45

Mind you I am always nice to him and he is always trying to shag me.

Cue lots of benny hill style comedy running away (I am pg and really not up for it at the mo!).

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:46

i did say providing she wasn't a harridan all the time.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:46

I'm very humbled by your responses and willing to do whatever you suggest. But, my inner feeling is exactly what Custy says:

"if a fella wants a shag -he just does. you dont have to stroke his hair and buy him flowers to get him in the mood"

Yes.

"like he doesn't want to shag you cos you wear granny knickers or something"

I wondered if he just didn't fancy me anymore, but this happened ages ago when I was thin and gorgeous so it can't be that.

OP posts:

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:47

i think 'emotional connections' is some pants thing he is saying becuase he is avoiding the real problem.

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:48

By LuluisgoingtobeanAunty on Thu 09-Apr-09 13:38:39
custy, men do have feelings and emotions. really, they do.
----

gosh...really?

beanieb · 09/04/2009 13:49

I think it's very wrong to say that all men don't need an emotional connection. It's rather a generalistic view don't you think?

when the op posted 'he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying' it touched a nerve with me because I am sometimes like this with my OH and I know it gets him down.

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:50

Shambolic,

"that involved giving DH a lot of attention i think - did that change things in the bedroom department? Just thinking that if not, the problem may be something else."

I'm trying to remember if it changed things... It made me into a nicer/better/more supportive partner, but I can't remember if we ended up boffing more.

OP posts:

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 13:51

Beautiful I am really interested to know if things picked up in the bedroom department when you went stepford?

Yes I'm being nosy but i do think it has some bearing on this...

EffiePerine · 09/04/2009 13:52

I don't think you need to be a submissive wife or such bollocks to get laid

but being nice to your husband might be a good start...

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:52

maybe its a MC thing? maybe MC men need a roaring fire and soothing music

mines a cheap fuck - he's anyones for a choc ice.

i'm not saying she shouldn't make an effort - but i bet dh's right bollock thats not really it.

EffiePerine · 09/04/2009 13:52

(assuming he is nice to you of course - is he?)

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 13:53

Are you a harridan all the time?

the thing is this problem is probably one that occurs on most long term relationships to a certain extent, we are all guilty of letting things slide and taking our partners for granted - and we can't all keep up the initial romance and burning passion - especially when there are snotty faced kids running around our feet. It's probably what causes most affairs and breakups.

BUT you are bothered about the lack of sex and he is bothered by the loss of a connection - so it sounds like you both want to do something and its not too late. You need to remember what it was you had before - what did you like about him? why did you get together with him?

Then get out for a night or several, get tipsy, have a laugh, flirt with him, forget the kids/problems/housework, listen when he talks to you, smile at him and in not time you'll be at it like rabbits!

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 09/04/2009 13:53

"I'm very humbled by your responses and willing to do whatever you suggest. But, my inner feeling is exactly what Custy says:
"

HE HAS TOLD YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

he feels dismissed, that you are a blank wall, he is an irritation to you

maybe that means he can't get it up

but it is all connected

he has told you what the matter is

HolidaysQueen · 09/04/2009 13:53

at custardo

If you don't have an emotional connection, even if you're having sex, you don't have a marriage IMHO. You just happen to be lucky enough to have a husband who can vocalise that unlike many men - many women on here are desperate for somebody that in touch with his emotional side.

An emotional connection isn't the same for everyone: it's not all face stroking and staring wordlessly and wonderingly into each other's eyes for hours on end. Heaven knows, my DH and I would burst out laughing within about 30 seconds if we tried that. But I would know if we didn't have a connection, and I wouldn't want sex with him, and I would no longer consider we had a marriage because that would mean he was pretty much indistinguishable from the milkman or my next door neighbour and what's the point in living with someone when they're no more important than that?

thumbbunny · 09/04/2009 13:54

just to reassure you Beautiful - not all men can just shag to order. My DH and I are currently ttc, and it's putting pressure on him - to such an extent that he can't manage it sometimes.

He also needs to be "in the mood" - I can't persuade him into it if it's the wrong time of day or if he's tired or fed up. And our relationship is fine - he's always been like this!

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 13:54

"i think 'emotional connections' is some pants thing he is saying becuase he is avoiding the real problem."

Me too, which is why I was

We've had these problems before and he's never come out with this reason before. I know he feels unappreciated sometimes so I can definitely work on that. I can make more of an effort to listen to him, and snuggle on the sofa.

But I'm still sure there's another reason.

OP posts:

FioFio · 09/04/2009 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:57

i agree with holiday queen in that if you don't have an emotional connection at all - then you have no marriage.

i think however, that there has been a leap made between him saying he wants an emotional connection....and there being no emotional connection at all ever

its not the same thing.

if there was no emotional connection ever then why stay married ?- thats the assumption i was writing under anyway

thumbbunny · 09/04/2009 13:57

perhaps it is not avoidance of the real problem but the only way he can vocalise what the real problem is - which could easily be that he doesn't think you love him any more.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 09/04/2009 13:57

Beautiful, do you actually appreciate or like this man? YOu really don't seem to feel anything for him other than irritation that he is 'malfunctioning' and as though all you need to do is find the right button to push and he will start servicing you again. If you don't like him, why live with him?

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 13:58

I'm never going to find out about the stepford thing!

Still think the whole sitting down to dinner together once a week would be a good start.

I ought to do that really...

Tortington · 09/04/2009 13:59

where have i ever said men don't have feelings fio?

in fact i reiterated a point made earlier where someone said much the same thing.

do you really think that i think that the whole of the male species don't have feelings?

don't be ridiculous!

Original poster

BEAUTlFUL · 09/04/2009 14:01

Shambolic, I answered you! repost:

Shambolic,

"that involved giving DH a lot of attention i think - did that change things in the bedroom department? Just thinking that if not, the problem may be something else."

I'm trying to remember if it changed things... It made me into a nicer/better/more supportive partner, but I can't remember if we ended up boffing more.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 14:01

well we can only advise you going on what you have said here OP - maybe there is another problem but why not work on this one first?

and it shouldn't be an effort to snuggle on the sofa - it should be a pleasure - you need to get back to the place where it was.

I'm sorry custardo but I think you are wrong there. Men may be able to shag anyone at the drop of a hat but that doesn't necessarily translate in a long term relationship.

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