Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

[needadvicepls]

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

i have just skim read, and becuase he has an Iphone i assume he is on O2?

O2 have a program online called bluebook that stores every text sent and received. You have to register and the password will be sent to his phone (so if you were going to do this you would have to have his phone for a time), but once registered you can read the toings and froings, even if he deletes them off his phone.

love, your husband is having an incestuous relationship with his sister.

your letter undermines the seriousness of this situation HUUUUUUGELY.

i can understand why you don't want to admit that to yourself but that's the truth.

your relationship is a sham and that's due to his actions. i don't think there's any way back from that, personally.

needadvicepls

I feel for you so much.

Twice I have thought my marriage was over and both times it was my fault. I was able to talk to my DH about what the problems were and we have worked through it together. It is what we both want.

I don't think you can fix a shaky marriage unless you both want too.

I feel if he doesn't want to make you happy there is nothing you can do but take a break from him.

I don't think letters will help if he is denying it still. You should tell him (not ask) to stop all contact with her and go to counselling with you.

I don't agree that your dh is definitely having an incestuous relationship with his sister - although it does seem very likely - it could be at the flirting stage right now and about to progress to something far more serious of which it would be hard to come back from but that is why you need to speak to him NOW!
Of course, it may be impossible for you to forgive him even if it is "only" flirting but only you can know that.
If it hasn't turned sexual yet then you need to stop it before it does and if it has already then you need to decide what you are doing quickly because once other people know, it won't be pretty and you need to be distant from all that.
I really don't think that time is on your side here and like it or not, you need to get this sorted because your dh certainly won't be in any rush to confess all.
Good luck x

"your letter undermines the seriousness of this situation HUUUUUUGELY."

I'd agree with that. Cut all the 'I'll stop checking your phone..' stuff.

Your letter needs to point out that he's investing more into the relationship with his sister than he is into his relationship with you.

You also need to point out that his relationship with his newfound sister is transcending any bounds of normality.

And you need to lay a few cards on the deck - her or you essentially.

needadviceplease - I have read all of this and feel quite worried.

I am worried about the effect this is having/is going to have on your mental health. Imagine if this situation carries on for a year, two years, five years - you're going to be a basket-case. Whether or not you ever find proof of whether or not they actually sleep together. Whether or not they actually do.

The situation, as it is, is that the adult person you are closest to is messing with your head.

You keep saying that you don't know whether or not you are being paranoid, whether you are being lied to , if your perception of reality is real or not. You are hunting for proof to decide it one way or another. It may never come. Or it may come and you just won't be able to accept it.

You already have proof enough that this situation is not OK for you, for your partnership with your dh. the situation is already somewhat out of your control. The situation is already that your dh is not comforting and supporting you. It's already not OK.

You have "reality-checked" here on mn and had it confirmed that it's outside the parameters of a supportive relationship.

I am worried that you are in shock and that the situation is already having an effect on your trust in yourself, in others, in how you read others, trust others and interpret you reality.

I don't think you should put off dealing with things until you get "proof" as to whether or not they are sleeping together.

I think you should sort out the situation as is.

I know you say money's tight but you need counselling, ideally together, but if necessary, just alone. You need to get back enough belief in yourself to have a serious talk with your dh and spell out - and believe in your own justification - that this current situation is messing with your head, and if your dh wants your relationship to continue, he needs to sort things out. Right now.

And that means he is going to have to admit that things have gone off kilter in his relationship with you and his sister.

if he denies it though, helsbels4 (which chances are, he will), the OP is back up shit creek without a paddle.

without actually seeing them shagging, i think you need to make an educated guess that they're up to something.

it's a tricky judgement call but what's the alternative?

best case scenario is that they have a relationship peppered with sexual innuendo and are obsessed with one another, romantically (the hundreds of texts). that's bad enough if it's just another woman but this is his sister for fucks sake.

you've got to draw a line here and stop pussyfooting around the issue.

I understand about putting it into a letter because I think you've said you have a hard time with confrontation and you want to get it all out without having to argue every point. That all makes sense.

However, I agree with the others who've said your letter doesn't really express the seriousness of the situation. I think you have to be a bit more forceful. Much as I'm not a fan of ultimatums, he's not really giving you much choice here as he won't admit there's anything even slightly inappropriate about this relationship.

You need to think about what you will do if he continues to refuse to take this seriously. And you need to be prepared to act. Can you let your parents know you may need to stay with them for a bit? Don't give details, just say you're having some problems, you'd rather not discuss the specifics.

You've really got all the evidence you need that the relationship is inappropriate and that it's having a terrible effect on your marriage. It really is her or you now, and something dramatic has to change.

Also, do you really have the energy to keep monitoring his behaviour? How will you know if he deletes texts? Or if he goes to see her when you're not around? Or what he calls her if you're not there to hear it? I can see it getting even more stressful for you, waiting to catch him out. How long will you keep up this monitoring? And again, are you prepared to act the very first time he does something? Because if not, making rules or ultimatums is pointless.

Actually needadvicepls, what i'm about to say isn't going to make for pleasant reading, but your marriage is not actually the most important thing in this situation, because at least you aren't related to either of them by blood, but your DC is.

If their relationship becomes sexual, there's always a chance that she'll become pregnant and then there's always a chance she might keep the baby. It happens.
If it does, your DCs cousin will also be their half-sibling.

If the relationship's already sexual, then as unlikely as a pregnancy may be, it doesn't mean that it couldn't happen any day now if it does.
You need to stop thinking as if you're getting ahead of yourself and start putting your foot down because I'm pretty sure you don't want that for your child

he seriously flirting with this woman.

you have just had a baby.

this would b showdown time for me

i would be spelling it out in crystal clearl reality

that he is fucking up the life of this child

he will pay maintenance
you will stay in the house
he will have to continue to pay the mortage and find somewhere else to live
you will find another man becuase he isn't the only fella on the planet and your still hot. and that fella will to all purposes be the babies father and he will fuck you raw and you will like it.

so remind him that the earth revolves around the sun. not him

tell him i said that he is a short sighted self serving prick.

oh and in conversations i have had along these lines in the past - i do make sure i have my facts at the time.

so i do - ask mumsnet
i do then research the answers given here - rgarding benefits and housing and agencies
look on the cab website and the entitledto.com benefit calculator website.

i have even been to a solicitor for a free consultation regarding keeping some inheritance money safely in my hands.

so dont sit there and cry - oh how they can look down on you when you cry

you think they will have pity in their hearts - oh a poor fragile woman crying - but they don't - they don't.

when you are full of facts, when you are calm and not shouting and screaming and accusing - and when you say " i have spoken to a solicotor..." they immediately shit themselves.

when you say - " i have worked out that with you paying x,y,z - i will be able to manage financially - but i think it would be a stretch for you if you ever wanted to start a second family in the next 18 years"

then use this as a wake up call. we all make mistakes and this might just be him being a complete wanker - he might come to his senses - but don't go all 'fair maiden' blonde with no backbone again... you need to make sure that you have your own bank account. that you keep qualified/get qualified whilst being a sahm ( if you are) and that you have your house in order. He doesn't rule becuase he earns a wage - they make that mistake a lot

With this story, I am coming around to custardos way of thinking and have hardened my opinion.

Regardless of what he is or is not doing, he is jeapordising his marriage and relationship with his children due to the actions that you know about (700!!! texts, nicknames such as 'babe', shower jokes, sex jokes, private chats etc etc).

He is making you feel like crap and making you feel like you are making a fuss over nothing. A huge, massive and shocking reality check is what he needs.

Based only on what you know for a fact to be true (the texts, sex jokes etc etc), he is behaving wholly inappropriately and being a selfish twat. Just because this is his long lost sister, you are expected to take a back seat and accept it all as normal like some sort of outsider who can't possibly understand what he is going thru. If this wasn't his sister, but was a girl at work, how would you deal with it?

I know this type of thing has been well documented but that does not make it ok. Your expectations of him IMO are far too low as wife and mother of his children. You deserve better. It is not just him who has found his sister.....for you it is a new SIL, for the kids it is a new Auntie, new cousins...it's not all about him.

I've been folowing this in disbelief. I've got a bro I've always been close to, but he's never called me 'babe' in jest or otherwise. TBH if he did he'd get a slap! IMO he's way out of line, with his treatment of you.

If Iw as faced with this,and funds allowed, I would be wanting a weekend away with him with baby in tow, to re-establish the family unit. He needs to understand that you and your baby come first, no matter what.

I would also issue an ultimatum:

1.That he has no contact with her other than a weekly call in front of you for at least a month

1. He gets a new mobile number, and shows you all texts on his phone (and no deleting allowed!) until the month is up.

1. He signs up to the Bluebook thing, but you need to be aware that he might just get a second SIM or cheap handset if he wants to hide things that much.

1. That he stops buying his sister mobile phon credit.

Trust is earned and he has a long way to go before you can trust him again (if you want to.) Maybe it seems a little harsh, but he needs to know how out of order he is and how hard he needs to work to put things right. I would say that at the end of the month if things continue in the same way that he needs to know his bags will be packed...

The other thing I would do is show him these posts. There are about 200 women on here who say his behaviour is odd and unreasonable and that you're not being paranoid. It might be the wake up call he needs.

I think you said earlier that he now speaks to her on the phone more than texting - could you hide the baby listener in the room he makes the phone calls and listen on the other end?

This must be so stressful and worrying for you :-(

i'm not one for ultimatums... why should she have to fucking monitor his telephone activities? how ridiculous

even if it ends today, he's still had an affair with his sister. he's crossed a line and given little thought to his wife and NEW BABY.

you don't marry someone and have a baby with them and then cheat on them with your sister.

i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.

She doesn't know for sure though blinks. Even if/when they finish, she's going to need to know (for her own piece of mind) whether they were just inappropriately close or whether they were having an affair.

It's not about OP monitoring his phone activities, blink, it's about him proving she can trust him again. If he's not prepared to do this, then he has something to hide and values the r/s with his sister above that with his wife.

i think it's already clear she can't trust him.

and what's the difference between inappropriately close and an affair? esp when it's your sister?

when it comes to proof, i'd say the texts are as good as it gets, asides from actually catching them at it.

I agree with Blinks. Don't know what further proof she needs or thinks she will get now that he knows she is suspicious. IMO it doesn't matter whether they are having an affair, the fact is the relationship is getting in the way of her relationship with DH and if he doesn't see that, or care about it, well, for me it would be over.

I'm afraid it really does look like your h is either having or contemplating a sexual relationship with his sister At the very least, he is investing time and emotional energy into a relationship at the expense of yours - which is very wrong as well. I hope you get some answers soon or feel confident enough to make some important decisions.

He is having sex with his sister or as close to: the smells, the texts, the calls and visits'. Let's not wishy-washy over this, needadvive.

So here is what you do:

You visit a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. The first 1/2 hour is free.

Find out what the legal reprecussions are for committing incest. Memorize said facts.

Visit the Citizens Advice office, Benefits office, Lone Parents Advice centre etc.
Find out all you can about ensuring your financial security.

Gather and photocopy every piece of information relating to his and your finances!! Bank statements, Pensions, deeds etc
You will need this information. He will have no compunction about fucking you over financialy whilst fucking his sister/ neighbour/milkmans dog.

He will not make you pack your bags and leave the house. You will concentrate on making your home a restful/comfortable place for yourself and your young baby.
He will fuck off and live in a bedsit if needs be.

You will spend the next few days getting as much sleep as possible. You will have a manicure. A pedicure. A facial and your hair styled. You will smile at every good-looking passing man and know you are a goddess.

When you are calm and relaxed you will relate the above to your husband.
You will tell him he is a wanker and will remain so, as in Pentonville, there will be no female company - esp. his sister - and this is where he will end up for commiting incest.

AfuckinMEN caramelwaffle

Some excellent advice on here tonight!!! Especially caramelwaffle.
Hope the OP reads it.

I hope she reads it too abbierhodes.

And blinks - you are absolutley spot on.
"what is the difference between inappropriately close and an affair. esp when it's your sister".

He has crossed a line.

The question is. Should she also discuss the possibilty of Holloway Prison to the shit-in-law?