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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

190 replies

needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:06

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvicepls · 09/04/2009 20:52

She asked me if I'm going with him tomorrow, I said no he's not asked me to. When he asked me what we'd been talking about I told him and he said he doesn't think he can fit me in the car as he might have to put my seat down to get the door in

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 21:03

I take it her husband will also have been got out of the way tomorrow? does he not notice any of this carry on?

If it was me I'd be thinking of a bloody good excuse to turn up on her doorstep tomorrow when he is there..

Original poster
needadvicepls · 09/04/2009 21:10

I don't think her partner will be there. He always seems to be working or out. She's fairly certain he's cheating on her (again) and he's not at home often. Her 3 kids will be there though

OP posts:
helsbels4 · 09/04/2009 22:31

Why does your dh have to fit her child's door - can't her dh do it?
Why is your dh topping her phone up?
What on earth do they find to talk about in 300+ texts?
I would seriously struggle to allow them to be together without me being there as well because it just sounds so odd.
I really hope that all us doubters have got it really, really wrong though

Original poster
needadvicepls · 09/04/2009 22:39

Her DP is really crap at that kind of thing and DH is a joiner so in a way it makes sense for him to do it. However, last time he went to do a job that he said would take him a couple of hours, he was there for six hours

I really don't know what they talk about. I don't send that many texts to anyone! He didn't tell me he had topped her phone up until I saw two top ups on his bill.

I really hope I'm wrong and I want to believe him but every instinct that I have is telling me that I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvicepls · 09/04/2009 22:42

I hate him going up there without me but I just think that at the moment, if I act like it's no big deal, they might let their guard down and slip up, whereas if they think I'm suspecting something they won't

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 23:02

I don't know how you can stand it - I would be going bonkers if I were you especially when he is off round there.

goodnightmoon · 09/04/2009 23:11

whatever the relationship is - emotional, sexual, whatever - i would feel very threatened. just look at how much of his time it is consuming with all those texts, door fittings, etc.

and the teasing, texts, dodgy excuses - they are not even being discreet!

helsbels4 · 09/04/2009 23:20

I hope your dh isn't at her house for too long tomorrow. Let us know how it goes

Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 12:22

"whatever the relationship is - emotional, sexual, whatever - i would feel very threatened. just look at how much of his time it is consuming with all those texts, door fittings, etc."

I think you hit the nail on the head here, that's exacly how I feel. I don't call him or text him very much when he's at work as he's usually busy and now that DD is older, he doesn't call me as much as he did in the first few weeks and yet he's got time to call and text her all day long. I told him that he always seems too busy to talk to talk to me when he's at work and since then, he does call me more than he used to.

I guess I am feeling jealous of the time and attention he gives her and yet on some level I sort of expect it as everything is very 'new' for them and there is a lot to catch up on

She has sent me a message this morning to see how the baby was last night so I texted back and asked how the door was going. She says she's left him to it as the door frame is wonky and he's having to cut the door to make it fit so she's watching TV and staying out of the way while he stresses. He left at 8.45 this morning (it would take him half an hour to get to my parent's to drop DD off) so I'm hoping it won't take him much longer

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 10/04/2009 12:40

"I guess I am feeling jealous of the time and attention he gives her"

I know that feeling - in the end I asked my dh to end an all consuming relationship. There didn't need to be an affair element to make me feel uncomfortable with it. It was the emotional effort he put into another relationship while disregarding ours that was the breaker.

Hope you can resolve it.

Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 14:12

When I spoke to SIL she said she was going to back off and not phone him as much and that she would only invite him round when I was there but as they had me convinced nothing was going on I said it wasn't necessary. I didn't really want to deal with the fallout from DH when he found out.

When she sent him the text to tell him that she had told me she'd invited him round for a cuppa she said "don't know what's going on with NAP but she's asked me if you were supposed to be coming up yesterday and told me not to tell you so I told her I'd invited you round for a cuppa. Really can't be dealing with this today, I'm not feeling well and don't want you arguing about me". She then texted me saying she was going to back off as she thinks of me as a good friend but I'm paranoid and she can't keep explaining herself. I don't think I've been a good friend as I've said twice now that I think something's going on!

No sign of him yet, not heard a word all morning and I told him to let me know when he was setting off so I guess he's still there

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 10/04/2009 14:19

I definately dont think you are being paranoid. Do not confront him with this - wait until you have proof but dear lord what a nightmare for you.

izyboy · 10/04/2009 14:41

Sorry needadvice, I think you should be clear with both that this relationship needs to have normal boundaries attached to it. Yes you need to be there when they meet. No more texts during work times. I suspect the worst, like yourself, so you are not being paranoid.

izyboy · 10/04/2009 14:43

The condom thing makes me feel sick actually.

PlumBumMum · 10/04/2009 14:50

has he been away from 9.00 this morning?

I hope he has just run into a problem with the door, what time is he supposed to be picking your dd up at?

Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 14:54

He called at about half past to say he's on his way back so he should be here soon. I bet he spends ages telling me how awkward the job was and how it took longer then he expected.

One thing I did notice when I last checked his phone is that he had 3 separate porn pages open on his browser. I have no problem with him watching porn, so long as it's not all the time but he could just look on the laptop fgs! Where the hell is he watching it on his mobile!

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 14:59

He would have dropped her off at about 9.15 then gone to get the door and fit it so he probably got there at about 10.30 to 11 at the latest (allowing for the shops being busy etc). We are going together for DD probably about 6ish

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 17:00

Well exactly as I predicted he spent ages telling me exactly why it took so long etc. Here's the really dodgy part though... her kids didn't know he was there. She sent him in through the side door so he didn't have to go through the living room where they were playing! Her friend came round to keep the kids busy and SIL took drinks up to him and stuff. So much for me thinking 'oh well the kids will be there'. It makes me wonder if he's been sneaked past them before

This is going to sound daft but he smells funny (like a strange deodorant or something, usually he smells like wood shavings lol). I said to him 'you smell nice' and he said 'it's lynx'. He's been wearing lynx for years, it wasn't f***g lynx! He mentioned that he'd had his top off cod it was hot so it makes me wonder [hmmm]

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 10/04/2009 17:15

Don't understand why he told you the kids didn't know he was there?

What are you going to do now? I mean hes home you have no dd about , do something together chat see what he's thinking etc..

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 10/04/2009 17:24

What do you think the 'different' smell could mean? Do you think he took a shower there? Or borrowed something of her DP's to disguise another smell?

PlumBumMum · 10/04/2009 17:33

Yeap have a sniff of her dp see what his deodrant smells like (that sounds worse than I mean)

mrsboogie · 10/04/2009 17:36

so, she sneaked him in and had a babysitter there to look after the kids and he came home smelling different and you're calmly taking all this in?

I'm starting to think this is a wind up...

HappyWoman · 10/04/2009 17:42

omg -the alarm bells are ringing so loud now - i noticed a 'stange' smell once and yes i was right.

Please get yourself some legal advice now as it will empower you to know that even in the worst case YOU WILL BE OK.

Feel so for you.

He will NEVER admit it even if you start divorce proceeding - only if after they become an item will you know. He will allow you to carry on and divorce him (and all the time you will think you are paranoid and should give him the bennifit of the doubt).

Sorry to be so blunt but experience has taught me to trust no-one .

Keep posting though as mn is a lifesaver.

PlumBumMum · 10/04/2009 17:43

happywoman they can't become an item, its illeagal