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Original poster

Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

190 replies

needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:06

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 10/04/2009 17:44

and telling you all the details - why?? so it has rehersed his story - was there really a baby-sitter? or was it so you 'think' they didnt know he was there and so wont check up on him.

Hope you are having a talk with him now.

HappyWoman · 10/04/2009 17:45

But that wont stop them becoming an item - he just wants to cover his back as long as he can.

If he is up to something the legality of it has not stopped him so far has it??

HappyWoman · 10/04/2009 17:47

he really does not think he/they will get caught (they neve do).

So the more he denies it and makes the op feel she is paranoid the longer he has to either cover his tracks or carry on anyway.

In affairs it is not so simple - you cant just stop and neither will they - whether morally or legally wrong.

TotalChaos · 10/04/2009 17:48

agree with HappyWoman. Given the legal/social issues there's an enormous incentive for him to lie about their relationship.

HappyWoman · 10/04/2009 17:50

absolutly - even more than the usual reasons - and lets face it - read most posts and there are always so many lies.

One post i read a long time ago said that a bloke will only tell the minimum he feels he can 'get away with' and that was from a man.

MuffinBaker · 10/04/2009 18:01

I am not sure what to say.

He is either an idiot and doing the big brother thing too much.

He is shagging her or wants too. her hubby is cheating so she probably thinks, why not?

You need to decide what you want to do.

helsbels4 · 10/04/2009 18:47

What do you think happened today? Do you think that maybe you are looking into it all too much or do you honestly think he's had a shower or something there?
If I told my dh he smelled nice after he'd been working all morning, he'd probably laugh and have a joke - not tell me what smelly he's used!
Honestly is this for real because it also sounds crazy to me and you're much much calmer than I would be in this situation.
I'd be hell-bent on answers....
Why was he shown in through a different door?
Why was a babysitter there?
Would you honestly go upstairs and shag your half brother while someone was downstairs looking after the kids?
How old are her dc's?
If this is really, honestly true then I would be shouting my head off by now.

Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 21:06

Mrsboogie it's honestly not a wind up. I'm not calm on the inside

I don't think he's been shagging upstairs bit that doesn't mean nothing's gone on. It's not unusual for the mate who was there to be round, she's often there when we all go

I know if I asked him he'd just say she didn't want kids to know he was there as they'd get in the way like last time (they are 4, 2 and 1). He's very good at turning stuff round and making me feel paranoid so I end up apologising.

To be honest, I could be reading too much into the smell and he did make a joke when I first mentioned it and then told me it was the lynx

Happywoman Thank you for the advice. I'm going to start looking into some advice for my own peace of mind but I haven't a clue where to start

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/04/2009 22:08

If I were you I wouldn't be able to be calm on the inside or the outside.

What was the joke he made when you asked why he smelt different?

Can you not tell him that if he is going round there in future he is not to go on his own but to take you?

If she did have a friend round to keep an eye on the kids while she was at whatever upstairs she is not very discrete and it won't be long before the rumours start about what is going on...

I believe that you can get a free consultation with a solicitor about divorce - some one else might be able to tell you about it. You could have a no obligation chat and see where you stand.

Original poster
needadvicepls · 10/04/2009 22:24

I said to him "you smell nice" (trying not to let him know what I'm thinking) and he said "what, like wood?" then laughed. I said "no" and he said "it's lynx". That's it really.

He's been texting her this afternoon but deleted most of them.

He picked an argument over nothing on the way back from my parents and has barely spoken since. Judging by the sounds coming over the baby monitor, he's gone to bed and not even said anything

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/04/2009 22:27

I am sorry - this is awful for you

QuantitativeMeasure · 10/04/2009 22:28

Why would he need to keep deleting his texts to her???

Sorry, I smell a rat. A big joiner of a rat.

Pwsimerimew · 10/04/2009 23:04

give him an ultimatum. Do NOT let him turn this to be about your paranoia. You are paranoid for a reason. Good reason. Reasons.
Shout and scream and throw him out fgs.

Jenice · 11/04/2009 00:17

If you are not always a paranoid person about things going on around you then I would say trust your instincts because these are usually right. Yes sometimes new baby hormones can cloud your judgement but if you were to write a clear list of all the clues so far you would probably see that some of them could be explained away but together they are very suspicious and the missing condom???

I am curious if he would normally "surprise" you with a condom on?? If so why plan it so far in advance?? I also have a young baby and can understand that your sex life sometimes does need planning but taking a condom out of the house when you are going to your sisters house is just strange. Clearly it is just my opinion but that alone is concerning.

MrsLemon's post on how to look for clues is very thorough and covers things I would never have thought of doing. Keep digging.

You are obviously not ready for a showdown about this yet as you don't like confrontation but eventually you are going to either blow or get very depressed if this continues without you confronting them with what you see as evidence.

If there is nothing sexual going on then I would say that their relationship is at best unhealthy and impacting seriously on your life as a family so therefore needs to be addressed in some way or it is going to eat you up.

I really feel for you because this must be a nightmare to live in and I know how these things can eat into your mental wellbeing. If you are going to hold off until more clues appear then try to fill your time with activities which help you forget for a wee while like getting out and about with friends.

I hope it all resolves itself for you soon either way so that life can move on.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 11/04/2009 01:20

"We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up.'

Sorry, but this is bullsh*t (their story, not yours).
I don't think it's just that they have an unusual sense of humour - it's an indicator of an unusual relationship between them generally

helsbels4 · 11/04/2009 09:42

I really feel for you. Whether there is anything going on is beside the point to some extent because their relationship as it stands right this minute, upsets and worries you (quite rightly so imo) and your dh needs to recognise this and put you and your feelings first!
I can understand that they are both delighted in being together after all this time but their relationship just doesn't sound - for want of a better word - normal.
Why on earth does he delete her texts if there is nothing to hide? Surely he must realise that this adds to the "paranoia" he claims you have? The condom saga just doesn't add up either.
I just can't understand why it all sounds so seedy and private and sneeky if they both protest that there is nothing untoward going on.
I've said before, I hope we are all wrong but if we're not, I hope you get some answers soon before this goes way too far.
Thinking of you

helsbels4 · 11/04/2009 09:43

Also,why has he been texting her in the afternoon when they have been together in the same house all morning?
What on earth do they find to talk about????

Original poster
needadvicepls · 11/04/2009 11:44

It is unusual for him to surprise me with a condom actually already on, especially since I need a little extra 'attention' first since giving birth. Also for all he knew, I could have been feeding the baby or something when he first got in so it all just seemed very odd to me.

I have no idea what they find to talk about. He can go all morning without speaking to me or sending a quick text but it seems most of the time he can't go more than a few hours without some sort of contact with her. He texts her most nights to say goodnight and 'sweet dreams'

We are off to our BIL's later so I'm going to pretend I've left something in the car and have a look if there is anything in there.

I agree that at the very least their relationship is unhealthy. He's even stopped seeing as much of some of his adoptive family members as a result (he was adopted by a member of his extended family so technically they are also related to SIL)

He has said before that me and DD are the most important people to him but his actions just don't back up his words

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 11/04/2009 12:10

He needs a good sharp shock. Instead of pussyfooting round him you should tell him that his relationship with her is affecting your family, you have a baby together and that should be his main priority. He has the rest of his life to get to know his sister - he doesn't need to do it in such a rush.

If it was me I would be telling him I cannot live like this any more and he needs to normalise his relationship with his sister or I would be out the door. Does he realise the implications of it getting out that he is engaged in an incestuous relationship? Does he realise what it could do to his business, his child, his entire life?

You must be strong and deal with this - the poster who said you would get depressed is right - you are internalising all this worry and emotion and it is not good especially when you have a young baby to look after.

Original poster
needadvicepls · 11/04/2009 13:32

He's texted her this morning apologising for if he was off with her saying I had stressed him out so he was in a bad mood. She said it was fine and her DP had had a go at her anyway. He said he'd just gone quiet as of annoys me more (it doesn't but he usually gets annoyed if I go quiet) and was laughing about it with her

I'm seriously considering getting out for a few days but I'm not sure I have the strength to do it. The only place I could go is to my parents and I'm not sure I could deal with all the questions, plus my sister is staying with them and she's got a newborn

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 11/04/2009 13:50

I would ask him to cut contact completely for a time, say six months, as your relationship is in serious trouble and he needs to put his energies into that. Tell him you are getting legal advice about a separation and that you are deadly serious. If there is any contact after that, then I'm sorry, but he has shown you where his priorities lie and that he's not prepared to do what it takes to get back on track. If that's the case, then divorce is the only option.

What would you advise a friend in this situation?

mrsboogie · 11/04/2009 14:34

Is your sister's house empty? could you stay there?

Why should you eave anyway? he is the one in the wrong - can you not ask him to leave?

Original poster
needadvicepls · 11/04/2009 14:46

My sister hasn't got her own place so I can't stay there

I don't know if I can ask him to leave. I know I should but just the thought of actually doing it terrifies me. When we last argued about this he said to pack my bags and get out because I was obviously just looking for a way out of the relationship. He also said he wasn't going to live with the threat of me leaving hanging over his head. It was the middle of the night and if it hadn't been I think I may have called his bluff

OP posts:
LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 11/04/2009 14:49

he wants it all his way, and blatantly ccares more about the feelings of his sister than you

you have a young baby, you should not be leaving

i would be seeing a solicitor after the bank holiday and keeping any odd texts/phone messages if possible

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 15:01

To me, whether this is all innocent or not, it irrelevant. What is important is he is making you feel very unhappy and he needs to make things better. You also need to really think about what you think is going on, what it is you want and how you want to move forward.