Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

[needadvicepls]

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

NAP: ok if she is married to an abuser then it is not impossible that your DH is seeing himself more as a rescuer than wanting to be in a couple-relationship with her. I think in someways it might help if you try being extra nice to your DP, planning time together and all that ie reminding him that you are his partner and that she is his sister.

From all you've said there's no innocent explanation IMO.
The hand in the shower - a joke that went too far...at the very least it's seriously flirty.
The 'work' on Saturday is highly suspicious.
I think you need to tell him that he needs to come clean now and you can work on your marriage (and that includes putting your mind at rest about the things you've raised). If he doesn't come clean then when this comes out, you will leave without hesitation, as he has proved he can't be trusted to tell you the truth even when confronted with it.

am I seeing things?

sgb is advocating being nice to a potentially devious partner in an effort to make herself more attractive to him ??

I've seen it all now

SPB that's exactly what I've told him. So either 1) there really is nothing going on 2) there is but he doesn't think I'll find out or 3) there is but he thinks I won't actually leave him

SGSB it could be that. We are leaving the baby with my parents on Friday to have some time together and have booked tickets to a concert in may.

Although the working on Saturdays sounds suspicious, it could be perfectly innocent. He's a self-employed joiner and used to work every Saturday but stopped when we had the baby do we could spend the weekends as a family.

He hasn't called her today and if he's texted her then he's deleted the messages. It also was the guy he supposedly worked for that called him earlier but he didn't answer the call.

Oh and the time alone and concert were arranged last week when things were 'better'

also, am I right in thinking that if I had proof of an incestuous affair it would make access to the baby very limited for him?

Anyfucker: I think in this case, because of the general headfuck that meeting a long-lost relative can cause, doing stuff that reminds the OP's DH of why they got married in the first place etc, might be the best way of sorting things out.
NAP: I don't think so. If he is having an incestuous affair, that doesn't mean he is a danger to the baby - his half-sister is an adult.

Proof of an incestous affair wouldn't be good for him on any level - he could, in theory, go to prison if he refused to stop it, as could she. As far as they are concerned they are two grown ups who met and felt attracted to each other and ok people may think its wrong but they can't help it. The reality will be very different. If her husband finds out and reacts violently how long will it all take to come out?

In that case I think you need to assume that he is telling the truth. If you've told him that you're putting your faith in him one last time then you need to do that. If he is having an affair, it will show up sooner rather than later, but if you have asked him for reassurances and he has given them (and knows what is at stake by doing this) then that's all you can do I think.

What network is his phone? If it is o2 you can do this thing on the internet where every text and picture gets saved online, so if he is o2 you could do that?

My dh says that the only explanation for 700 texts in a month is trying to shag or shagging someone

I've racked my brains for another explanation but can't think of one. This genetic attraction is a well established thing amongst siblings/half siblings who didn't grow up together.

Really sorry for you

SPB I told him that before he took the condom out with him. I'd like to think he's telling the truth as even if he didn't care about losing me I know he loves DD but it still could be that he doesn't believe I'd actually leave

NSM we are both on o2. He did register for bluebook. I suggested it would be a good idea as you can save your contacts but I think he has deleted the account as the contacts part isn't compatible with our phones yet.

hmmmmmm
this is difficult (as I'm sure you know)
How are things between you today?

Are you off to SIL today good luck let us know how you get on

things have been ok today. He cheered up yesterday in the end. He definitely didn't call SIL until last night which was to arrange today and I was with him when he spoke to her.

Yes we are leaving for her house shortly so will update later as to how it's gone.

Maybe I'm worrying about the condom for nothing, he could just have been in a bad mood because I scuppered his 'surprise' and because he realises I'm checking up on him, then again maybe not, I guess time will tell

you sound like i used to be finding rational reasons to things yet when sit back and look at the picture more clearly there is no rational reasons

its not normal to speak int hat way or act in ways to anyone other than your partner

my dp would not take a condom out to surprise me hows he gonna surprise me by taking it out the house he only has to go get one from where we keep them i don't sit guarding the drawer all day to prevent him from doing this

it sounds dodgy through and through i would keep your guard and not let him know that your checking up or worried and then he'll stop being so careful again

i used to change the number on my ex's phone to a spare phone and i'd get the texts meant for whoever he was sending them too then id need his phone make a phone call and change the digits back

but the minute i stopped being so worried on the outside he became sloppy with his actions and i caught him out

there actions are not right you don't text and tell them the explanation given to you if there not trying to match stories and cover up

and 700 texts is abnormal to friends or family

dont keep trying to find rational reasons i think you know there are none not from what you have written anyway

i think even when you have a good day dont see that as all is ok and you've made it all up his already done enough to show something is wrong

they probably wont risk making it public anyway too much to lose so his going to try and throw you off by making things appear ok at home my ex certainly did but as i say he soon mucked up and got caught out

i am sorry your going through this but dont make excuses for him

you will end up losing your mind thinking your going mad and from what you have written your not

Wow! 700 texts!! Hmmmm! That certainly seems excessive and abnormal amongst friends.

However, I know that when my H was cheating on me I wanted to find something SO concrete even though I now look back and think - Doh, why was the zillion txts, hiding of his mobile just not enough!!

All I can suggest is watch his mobile phone behaviour. What does he do with it when he is in the shower? I used to check my H phone on the few rare times he didnt even take it in the shower with him! The fact he took it in the shower most days was a sign in itself but I still wanted more. I used to stay awake and wait for him to fall asleep. Then search for his phone. Again he used to sleep with it under his pillow - another sign, but still I wanted more!! Seems daft now, but I know where you are coming from when you want or need MORE than the obvious signs. I had ALOT of night time searching and checking his mobile, lappy etc. Also check his car (i did this in the middle of the night sometimes). Look in places he may hide - small gifts, condoms, reciepts etc. This may mean looking for signs that the carpet has been disturbed and looking in the car panels and by light fittings etc. Check his wallet for receipts, bank statements. Are there more cash wothdrawals when he normally pays for everything by card or any odd transactions. How many transaction at petrol stations and shops etc near to where she lives. Check your land line bill too. Get calls itemised and if possible get the time of day on the bill so you can establish any calling patterns. Serach his wardrobe, look in pockets of all his clothes hung up in there, even stuff he has not worn for yonks. Look around your home and think where would I hide condoms or any "affair evidence" if I was upto no good. Watch him around the home. Does he wander into a psare bedroom upstairs etc. I found my H was hiding a spare sim in his phone in our daughters bedroom and then also found he was charging up another mobile in the garage over night. Its about being very very vigilant ALL of the time.
BUT it is important you do not get too hung up on everything. Some stuff maybe most or even all the stuff he does could be completely innocent. Its very easy when you suspect cheating to find a bad reason for your partner to be doing X y and z. So note things down if you need to. I kept a small diary in my knicker drawer. Most info wont lead to anything as it will be innocent but IF he is up to no good over a period of time you may gather some clues. It about being patient and above all keeping a mental distance. Dont let this become an obsession. Spent some time with a friend etc doing stuff for you so you have other stuff to focus on as well.

I hope this helps, IF this is what you decide to do.

apologies for my typos - kids pestering me for lunch so rushing!

Here is a link which might help you understand what it sounds is likely to be going on. I'm sorry, but I don't believe his explanations

Thank you for the link.

I must admit deep down I don't believe him.

We are still there at the moment so I'll update properly about today later.

I do watch how he behaves with his phone. He went through a period a while ago of keeping his phone on silent and never letting it out of his sight. When we argued the other week I confronted him about it. Since then he's been leaving it lying around more and doesn't put it on silent but ever since then he seems to call her more, sometimes up to five times in a day. He still deletes all their text conversations sometimes but not always

Does he delete everyone's text messages or just the ones to and from her?
Also, why oh why would you ring your sister up to five times a day? Even if nothing is going on, this relationship doesn't sound particularly healthy to me.

He's got the iPhone so all messages to and from the same person appear as one long conversation. He does delete the conversations from other people sometimes but not as often as he deletes hers

Tomorrow he is supposed to be fitting a door in her sons bedroom so he is dropping the baby off at my mums first, going to get the door and fit it and then come home. We will then both pick the baby up in the evening. I'm interested to see how quick he'll get home to spend time with me.

He got his phone bill yesterday so I'm going to look at it tomorrow to see just how often he's been calling and texting her

Right well we're back. I didn't really notice anything (other than a lot of teasing each other) but there were a lot of other people there most of the day so it was quite hectic.

I've seen his phone bill and there are a lot of calls to her but most of them are quite short. He also sent her about 330 text messages (and me 57 ). I've checked his credit card bill as well and there is nothing suspicious on it (last month he bought credit for her mobile twice!)

Let's see how long this job tomorrow takes him

"I didn't really notice anything (other than a lot of teasing each other)"

He also sent her about 330 text messages

(last month he bought credit for her mobile twice!)

None of this is normal behaviour.

No I know, I just think they're being very careful around me