Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

[needadvicepls]

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

700 texts is very very very odd imo. What on earth would you need to send that many texts for? Taking the condom would have been nail in the coffin for me.

Personally, I think he is lying, none of this adds up at all and I would not be hanging around to wait and see if it gets worse/more obvious.

agree with mrsboogie

the otehr thing is, regardless of whether there is a physical affair and whether it is with her or someone else, the trust is being eroded . and without trust you are stuffed.

it sounds like he is doing something he shouldn't , with someone else

you need to think carefully about how you are going to handle this and whether you would want to move on within the relationship or end things

whether he would agree to counselling/relate etc

there can be really strong sexual /genetic sexual attraction between siblings / half siblings who have not been brought up together that is immensely powerful and consuming

not an excuse by any means, but it is a recognised issue

he is insulting your intelligence!!

I suppose in a way I want concrete evidence so that there is no doubt if it all comes down to us getting divorced.

I'm not sure if he'd go to Relate etc or even if it would make any difference as he's adamant there is nothing going on.

He explained the texts by saying that they had been talking about their mum and stuff from before they met

I suppose in a way I want concrete evidence so that there is no doubt if it all comes down to us getting divorced.

I'm not sure if he'd go to Relate etc or even if it would make any difference as he's adamant there is nothing going on.

He explained the texts by saying that they had been talking about their mum and stuff from before they met

I suppose in a way I want concrete evidence so that there is no doubt if it all comes down to us getting divorced.

I'm not sure if he'd go to Relate etc or even if it would make any difference as he's adamant there is nothing going on.

He explained the texts by saying that they had been talking about their mum and stuff from before they met

Well actually when you put it like that Mrs Boogie, that was my initial reaction go round and kick the 2 in to touch, but when I read through it didn't sound like the op wanted a confrontation just yet,

needadvicepls Are you confident enough to pull your dh up again about the condom, there is no need for him to take it out of the house wiether hes going to surprise you or not?

I suppose in a way I want concrete evidence so that there is no doubt if it all comes down to us getting divorced.

I'm not sure if he'd go to Relate etc or even if it would make any difference as he's adamant there is nothing going on.

He explained the texts by saying that they had been talking about their mum and stuff from before they met

Sorry x posts, my only worry about gathering evidence is that you don't let it eat away at you, you have a new baby and this should be a happy time in your life

Eek sorry for all the multiple posts, I've been updating from my phone and it keeps saying the connection is lost and then publishing my post anyway.

PlumBumMum - I'm not sure if I want to confront him about it. He will just stick to his story and say I'm being paranoid. I'd rather try and let him think everything is ok for now. I don't want to put him on his guard. As it is, he probably won't take anymore from home anyway.

I know what you mean PlumBumMum but it is eating away at me anyway. I want to enjoy my DD and I do but this is at the back of my mind most of the time.

He's been in a right mood ever since he got back. Very quiet and distant, he's even done some of the DIY jobs that have been hanging around for about a year.

I'm hoping at some point he leaves his phone as he may have sent her a message, although he may not as she's got no credit to text back. I also want to see if the person he cut off earlier was really the guy he's supposedly been to work for this morning like he said it was

you don;t make romantic jokes and send 700 texts and have missing condoms... if it is innocent. he is taking the p*ss.

am sorry you are in this situation

you need to explain it in black and white, you are not happy with his explanations and you do not want things to deteriorate to the point of no return

neither of you can pretend nothing is going wrong

whether it is a physical affair or not, or with her or not, you are deeply unhappy and concerned and this all needs addressing

Ask him out right whats wrong with him, he seems in strange form, Is everything alright?

I hope somthing happens soon oneway or the other to put your mind at rest, as it isn't far on you

Knew someone would put it better than me, lulu is right, you have all the evidence

ask him what is wrong, why is he in a mood, is it because he got caught out?

If he's not on his guard now he never will be! I'm sorry but you have spoken to both of them about whether there is something going on and accepted their denials. As far as they are concerned they are getting away with it. Don't forget if they are in a sexual relationship it is illegal (if I am right in my understanding that they are blood siblings?)If it gets out what they are doing they will get arrested for it. Ths is no normal affair - they will do anything to avoid the repercussions of it coming out. They only way they will admit it is if they are caught in bed together. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to remind him that if you are suspicious then others will be too and once it gets out the sh*t will really hit the fan for the whole family?

Could you speak to her husband? surely, whether or not he had an affair in the past, he will want to know if his wife is shagging her own brother?

You're not obliged to do anything of course - you could just wait and hope it all blows over...

700 single texts is definitely weird, but most my texts to DH are really about 5 at a time - so the bill says I've sent five, but really, i just sent him one with a long list of shopping or whatever. And it's clear there's a culture of texting in your family as you seem to communicate mostly by text with him yourself.

I'm not saying this isn't a bit weird, but playing devil's advocate here - he doesn't know his half sister that well. They start interacting and you get very stressed and unhappy about it in the past - even though she's his sister. They both pull back. But they're getting to know each other (you don't say anything about the family situation that lead to them not knowing each other or what it is no) but now they're both feeling a bit cautious and nervous about you and start to try and hide how much contact they're having, even if it's (sexually) innocent.

The condom in particular is weird, but then, my very religious baby brother who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, carries a condom. I have no idea why. So I wouldn't automatically assume taking a condom means sex necessaryily - it could be some half thought of idea that maybe he'll get lucky and you'll want to do it in the carpark of the pub or something .

The one sentence he sent her was in the third person so if anything, I'd be tempted to say he's having an affair and his sister is covering it up.
'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge'

This is a very difficult situation and I am so sorry for you. Because it's not quite the same as the usual cheating-bloke business: people who get in contact with long-lost bio-relatives often end up in inappropriate relattionships with them to some extent, and the fall out is very hard on existing partners.
Basically, because we are told over and over again that the most important relationships we have are romantic-sexual ones, when a person meets a long-lost relative and feels a strong connection with this person, they sort of 'fall in love' with him/her and the relative becomes the most important person in the world, at least for a while. People in general have been conditioned to believe that feelings this intense mean romance/sex (sibling/parent relationships are simply not propagandized and pushed at us in the same way). WHile many people manage to control themselves and ride out the emotional storm without actually getting up to anything incestuous, others (particularly people who are impulsive, or selfish, or value 'feelings' above using their wits) can end up in dreadful messes.
Basically, I think your DP is having the equivalent of an emotional affair at least (which, while it will be hurtful and annoying while it lasts, could settle down into an affectionate sibling relationship) - but I do find the wandering condom a bit worrying. And TBH it's not what I'd call gentlemanly behaviour, pinching a dobber from the bedroom to take round to the OW's house - is he really too tight to go and buy a packet?
I wonder if you could sit down and talk to him and say you understand how mindblowing it must be to have found his sister, and that you appreciate that he wants to spend time with her and catch up and all that, but that you would like some time and attention and affection too? It may be that staying calm (and I do understand that it will be very hard) will let the whole business blow over.

Yeap Oh Bling I thought that was strange, dosen't make sense if it was to the sister,

and if it was about his wife why would people think it was strange that a man would want his wife all the time, dosen't matter weither shes just had a baby

LOL SGSB: "it's not what I'd call gentlemanly behaviour, pinching a dobber from the bedroom to take round to the OW's house - is he really too tight to go and buy a packet?"

I don't agree with the "sit back and wait and see" stance

Sneaking around and compiling "evidence", you are giving them the time and chance to perfect their skullduggery (if there is any) and take it further if they haven't already

What more evidence is required? Catching them actually shagging?

If this were me I would

1. stop communicating by text/email/other electronic shite

2. call a meeting at her house with your dp and her dp present and bring it all out into the open. Get the kids babysat and out of the way.

3. tell them all that their behaviour is worrying and inappropriate, don't listen to excuses. Ask for solid explanantions of the texts you found, they are well dodgy. 700 texts? Also well dodgy. See what her dp makes of it out in the open

4. stop bringing it up to one and not the other and then asking them not to mention it? Wtf ?? You are colluding with them!

5. if you are not happy, kick the fucker out until he comes to his senses (or runs off with his sister, whichever comes first)

6. finally, make it clear that this emotional affair (at the very least) with his sister is profoundly damaging your trust and your relationship and it may never recover

totally agree

and, by the sound of things - they are in the early stages of it all (if he can be put off meeting her by your questioning as seems to have happended twice now)

Getting it out in the open now and getting them and her OH to accept what is going on may, if they know what's good for them, prevent things from going any further. They are exisiting in an exciting little bubble for now - they need to think how it will all look when everyone who knows them is pointing and laughing when the scandal breaks and the police, and maybe social services, are asking questions.

The text that the OP saw where he talks about "wanting her all the time" - this sounds like he was discussing the situation with someone else - who is that person?

I hope this isn't the right explanation, but DH and I would refer to parts of our body in the third person.

I am not sure of the wisdom of a huge confrontation scene. It is more than likely that this will make the husband and the sister feel that it's them against the world, star-crossed lovers etc (and do you really want a big public scandal? That's going to be rough on the DC, isn;t it?)

I must admit I believed him about the one that said 'her' as it was in the third person. It was also sent while my stitches were still healing and we weren't intimate much. I don't think there is anyone else involved (no 'new' numbers on his phone or anything)

When I confronted him the other week, I pointed out that it was illegal (they have the same mother) and that they both stand to lose everything. He still insists nothing is going on.

AFSHKE - I had thought about confronting them together but I always chicken out, I hate confrontations and usually go to pieces. I don't want to involve her partner unless I know for sure. They had an argument the other week and he got violent. I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone so I don't want to stir it up if it is all innocent.

I was over the moon when they got in touch - I was even the one who found her for him when he said that he wanted to make contact. They had been in contact for about 6 months before I saw the messages and I had no problems with it at all. He also got in touch with his younger brother at the same time but he nowhere near the same level of contact with him (it's a lot just not as much)

SGSB - I agree Maybe it was because they were the free ones from teh Dr. Bet he buys a pack now though if he is up to something. Suppose in a way I should be thankful that he's being careful at least.

mrsboogie - I pointed out that if I've seen messages her DP could too and that wouldn't be good

I've asked him repeatedly what's wrong and he says nothing, he's just been busy and I've been on the net