Guilt of breaking up a family

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I am on the verge of leaving my husband. I've tried and tried but I no longer love him. He hasn't done anything wrong and desperately wants to make things work, I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore.

So if I do leave, how do I handle the guilt over hurting him so much, taking his son away from him and taking a loving father away from his son? Anyone been through a similar situation?

This is just my opinion and I'm not the sort you want to hear from, for which apologies, but I really want to say this.

I think your name is quite accurate. Romantic feelings are not the most important thing in a marriage and for the sake of your son you need to at least try to find a way forward within your marriage.

As to "handling the guilt" -- you want to do it and not find it too difficult I guess. I wish there was a [shrug] emoticon because that's how your question makes me feel.

You do sound rather immature, sorry.

I shouldn't be so harsh. You must be very unhappy. But I still think the lack of romantic feelings is a rather shallow reason to take the drastic action you are considering.

Well, my situation was different because I removed my children from a very bad tempered screwed up man....... but I still felt guilty, so I can imagine you must be feeling sad.

You will adjust to and accept the new situation though. It doesn't weigh as heavily on your shoulders every day from now on, the same way it does right at the beginning.

I promise, in time, you will accept it and your son will accept it too.

I presume that your son's father will still be able to visit and help with childcare or have him some weekends??

There's no need to beat yourself up. My children are happy again and I won't have anybody pitying them (although some people put their heads to one side and say 'oh bless them, no daddy' )

Splitting up is a horrible rollercaoster, but you will all be back on an even keel if you are a happy. Never underestimate the influence of a HAPPY mother on her children.

I think it's a bit unfair to make such a harsh judgement based on a short message from me, but I appreciate your opinion.

I'll just respond:

1. I'm not saying romantic feelings are the most important thing in a marriage. There are many other reasons why I want to leave, I just didn't want to complicate the question by going into too many details.
2. I am absolutely trying to find a way through it for the sake of my family, but ultimately I strongly believe that my husband and myself need to have a solid, loving relationship for the sake of my son as much as us.
3. Whatever I decide to do, I certainly don't expect it to be easy on any of us. I'm just finding the feelings of guilt are completely taking over and stopping me from thinking rationally. The last thing I want to do is stay with him because I feel sorry for him.

Yeah, but she is only 31, surely there should still be a bit of fire in her feelings for her dh.

BUT.....

Is your ds small? I know that when mine were small, my feelings changed alot. I do think relationships are a bit like a roller coaster - some up times, some down times. If you no longer have any good times, and haven't for a good long time, then maybe its not right to stay.

Only you can decide.

To be blunt, is 'having no romantic feelings' a ppolite way of saying that you cannot face having sex with him any more, and were never very keen on it but married him because he was a nice person who wanted to marry you? Is there a way of talking it through and compromising, ie living as a family but both being free to have other partners?
Or is the 'no romance' thing a way of saying that he treats you as a domestic appliance and has no interest in you as a person?

31goingon, you're unhappy in your relationship. It's not for other people to judge your reasons. You're unhappy.

Your life is not something to be offered up on a plate for everybody else's convenience.

splitting up isn't easy, but afterwards, everybody may well be happier!

Thanks guys,

Yes my son's only two and our relationship's certainly faltered since he was born. Although I think the problems were already there - they've just been brought to the surface.

Stuffitllama, do you think a relationship can survive with no romantic feelings then? By romantic feelings I guess I mean things as basic as being attracted to them, wanting to hold their hand / show some kind of affection, looking into their eyes and feeling something...

Solidgold - your first sentence was pretty accurate, although I did enjoy sex with him at the beginning. But yes, I think I was young and insecure and probably did marry him partly because I felt lucky he wanted to marry me and he was a lovely guy. Although I didn't know these were my reasons at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

To be honest now I think about my original question, I'm not sure what answers I was expecting. I'm going to feel guilty, there's no getting round it. Even if people offer me reassurance, I'm still going to feel guilty! I guess it just helps to hear other people's stories and how they got through it.

justaboutback - you're absolutely right, if I leave I need to know that I've tried everything before making the decision. Which is what I'm doing right now - we're making a commitment to spending time alone together every week, also going to a Relate counsellor.

I'll give it my best shot but my gut feeling hasn't changed once throughout all this - that I don't love him and he deserves to be with someone who does.

Unfortunately an awful lot of people marry because the person they are dating 'will do'. This usually happens either when one partner is very keen to marry or when everyone around seems to be forming couples, marrying and breeding and there is some pressure to demonstrate that you're 'normal' by doing the same.
Quite a lot of the time such marriages are perfectly all right, make the partners happy etc. But sometimes they don't work out. Usually, if there has always been a big imbalance in attraction or libido, things start to go wrong. Libido mismatch is common when the kids are small and can be fixed fairly easily when it's a matter of tiredness and new-parenthood - but when one partner has always been besotted and the other has always been of the 's/he will do' mindset then sooner or later the less keen one will start getting really put off by the other's continuing love and desire, and that is when it is time to renegotiate the marriage or get out of it.

most people go through that when the dcs are two or so. quite normal.

most people get through it. the mags would have us expect fireworks and roses throughout, and if you don't get it, leave, but in all honesty, ups and downs are part of life.

You won't be taking his son away, he will still se him surely.

I left someone after 12 years and it was incredibly hard but my mum told me guilt is a wasted emotion. He will be happy again and it's not up to you to make him happy at the expense of your own happiness.

I get the impression that the only reason you are 'trying' is so that when you do eventually leave, you will be able to say ' at least I tried'. I do not get the feeling that you are trying because you genuinely want your marriage to work and to rekindle whatever you think you have lost. I do not normally advocate leaving a marriage without giving it every chance to work, but that can only happen if everybody involved really wants it to and I don't think you do. If that is the case, i think it would be cruel of you to remain and give your DH false hope.

I can't advise you how to handle the guilt, but maybe if you are honest about what you really want and give your DH the chance to fid happiness with someone who loves him, you will feel less guilt.

i once wrote 'i have gone to the airport' on the fridge in magnetic letters.

i went to safeway.

i think we get so wrapped up in nappies and toddlers and constant parenting that we are just too exhausted to bother with anyone else. it's not him, it's anyone, really.

just bide your time a little and see what happens. small children suck the life out of you. in a good way lol. but thoroughly. you have to be really strong to find yourself in the midst of it, let alone anyone else!

Stuffitllama I think that was very harsh.

If the op is unhappy in her marriage and has been for quite a while, that will impact on her family. In many ways her dh and son will pick up on how she feels. Staying in a marriage because you feel obliged to makes for an unhappy marriage imho. I've seen firsthand what eefcts it can have - on children included, and it often leads to one or more feeling utterly miserable - for years!

Why shouldn't the OP be happy? Why shouldn't she give her dh a chance to be happy with someone else? OP, you wouldn't be taking your son away from your dh, it will be different but he's also at a young enough age that he'll grow up understanding that mummy and daddy don't live together anymore. He will adapt, as will the rest of you.

From what I've read there is no bad feelings between you and your dh, and it sounds like you do care a lot for him. I think it's great to see that you're still willing to work at your marriage. But please don't beat yourself up for how you feel, you're only human.

Nobody deserves to go through life feeling miserable in a situation that can be changed. Keep working at it, but if it doesn't work out - don't beat yourself up. Things will always work themselves out one way or another.

'I think your name is quite accurate. Romantic feelings are not the most important thing in a marriage and for the sake of your son you need to at least try to find a way forward within your marriage.' Seriously

Maybe I'm being slightly romantic here, but I was always under the impression that loving the person you are married to was a pretty big part of the deal. And as far as the op's son goes, it's my belief that you shouldn't stay in a relationship just for a child's sake. It does nobody any good ime, and just leads to everyone being unhappy.

beanieb made an excellent point at the end of her post.

It's also true that sometimes when a woman, particularly, complains of no romantic feelings it can mean that the man has no interest in her apart from wanting her to service him domestically and sexually - he won't maintain a conversation with her or ever pay her a compliment, and this is absolutely deatlhy to live with. Again, not possible to judge so far what the actual problem is with the OP's marriage.

JustaboutR. I think we should live our lives with the faith that our children will see our lives as more than just a sacrafice to their needs (which can be guessed wrongly anyway).

I don't think I am unrealistically optimistic hoping that my children will understand that I was entitled to a little happiness out of life.

(ALthough it's more clear cut for me, as children's father was horrible, but still.)

like 31goingon, I also got together with my children's father for the wrong reasons I suppose, but I wasn't able to analyse it with as much objectivity and detachment at the time. I didn't realise I was trying to appear happy with a partner to the outside world, rather than gambling and waiting for real happiness with a partner.. who might never arrive!!

I think a lot of 'conventional' families have unrealistic ideas about how healthy, happy positive and functional splitting up a dysfunctional unit can be, in the long term. NO getting away from the fact that the split is hard.

A lot of shit is pinned on single parent families, issues that are really issues of poverty and so on.

You will still be YOU. With all the same values you always had. Your child is not going to be 2.4 times more likely to be burning out cars because you have removed him from an unhappy environment that stifles you.

stuffitllama - do you think then that the OP should stay with her partner for the sake of the children? Because it's immature to not try and make things work?

What the OP wrote here but ultimately I strongly believe that my husband and myself need to have a solid, loving relationship for the sake of my son as much as us. I agree with wholeheartedly.

I'm sorry, I seem to have upset some people.

31 you said you had no romantic feelings and for this reason you are taking a son away from a loving father, taking a father away from his son.

You said it, not me. If there are other good reasons well there you are, I am not a mind reader. I think you are doing the right thing going to Relate but you are really only planning to leave anyway and just passing the time until you can justify it to yourself.

Yes I do think for the sake of our children we should fight for a marriage or partnership. Yes, catchastar, seriously. I call it putting your children first.

However it's nice that you found some people to ease your guilt.

stuffit, I'm genuinely confused.

Do you know how long the OP has felt like this, or how long she has tried to make things work?

However it's nice that you found some people to ease your guilt. Perhaps you ought to recommend where she should buy her hair shirt.

31.. to answer your question..

Romantic feelings do tend to run out.. tenderness, companionship, warmth.. partnerships have survived on these. But you are very young to be contemplating life with someone for 60 years without love, and so is he.

Someone said guilt is a wasted emotion.. I agree with that. It can be very self-indulgent. If/when it happens, and you separate, you could use those feelings of sadness very productively making sure there is lots of access and being very sensitive when there is a new man in your life. I'm sure you know that part already.

I hope things go well for you. I mean, I hope you suddenly find something to love in your husband and a reason to stay, but otherwise I hope all three of you have a good future.