Guilt of breaking up a family

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I am on the verge of leaving my husband. I've tried and tried but I no longer love him. He hasn't done anything wrong and desperately wants to make things work, I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore.

So if I do leave, how do I handle the guilt over hurting him so much, taking his son away from him and taking a loving father away from his son? Anyone been through a similar situation?

no of course I didn't know anything of the sort

read the op harlot, I did -- you're only confused because we have such a radically different frame of reference I am guessing

hair shirt? I am not suggesting the op is planning to piss off to the bahamas in the hope her happiness will "through to her children"

yes, think about the children when you're splitting up
yes, sometimes let it stop you

I read an op that said she had no romantic feelings therefore in her own words was planning to take a son from a loving father

if there's more then fine .. I am not a mind reader

well i agree with stuffit

I agree with stuffit too.

The OP hasn't said anything bad about her DH so I'm assuming that he is a semi decent husband and father.

The initial thrill in a relationship doesn't last forever, sometimes being with the same person for the rest of your life is hard work as is having a child.

It doesn't mean that the right thing is to give up and move on until absolutely every other avenue is exhausted.

Yes of course there's more to it than I've said in my OP. I wasn't looking for advice as to whether or not I should leave. I've been through all that and know that I have to make that decision on my own.

I don't blame anyone for having strong opinions about this, that's what these forums are all about. And there's no way I can give you every single detail about my relationship and the reasons why it's in this state, so I appreciate people will make assumptions.

Stuffit, yes I probably am immature and a little idealistic maybe, but I am listening to the voices inside my head telling me to give it some time and effort before throwing in the towel. I also think sometimes we make the wrong choices in life and shouldn't beat ourselves up over it if there was no bad intent. So I maybe made the wrong choice in marrying him, and I'll do my best to make it work, but in the end it may be better for everyone if I leave. Like many people I come from a family where my parents stayed together literally from when I was born until the time I left home, even though they were miserable throughout that whole time. I'd never wish that situation on any parent or child.

There, I guess I answered my own question there about dealing with the guilt!!

You an get hooked on "romantic feelings" and the initial honeymoon phase of a relationship you know.

My sister left her first husband for much the same reason, also taking her 2 year old DS away from his dad, and has gone on to have about 19 different boyfriends in the subsequent 20 years. She is always searching for the "rush" of a new relationship and her life is now a complete and utter mess as a result.

31, there's a lot of couplecentric idealised pressure placed unquestioningly upon a mother who leaves an unhappy relationship. As though her child were definitely destined to suffer in some way, as the child of a single parent unit..

By the sounds of it, your child will have an involved father who lives nearby. Your child is not going to suffer in the long run if you leave now.

Don't take on board guilt that conventional family units assume you must feel. What worked for them doesn't work for everybody and there's no shame in trying to fix things.

i don't think children of single parents suffer
i do think children who are accustomed to living with both parents find it hard to adjust to living with one

i am not sure what is unhappy about this relationship - the op hasn't said
she has said her dh has not done anything wrong and that he desperately wants to make it work
it's hardly hell on earth is it

you are a mother. you will always feel guilt! if you don't feel guilt about this, something else will take it's place!

it seems unlikely to me that many people take leaving their DH, their DC's father, lightly. therefore I trust that (even without knowing detail) you have thought long and hard about this and decided it is the right thing to do.

and although you might feel guilt at first, hopefully that will pass as time goes by. there may well be milestones - when your ExH finds a partner who loves him and whom he loves and you know that he has what you couldn't give him...when you realise that your DC has TWO HAPPY parents apart and regular contact with both, which is surely better than constantly living with one (or two) unhappy parents...if and when you meet your soulmate and realise what magic life has to offer alongside parenthood...or just as someone else has intimated, when your DC does not turn into a delinquent because you left

i think you have to remember that, while a whole family unit is obviously the ideal (not least because it is undoubtedly more straighforward than step-parenting and a little easier than single parenting!), seperated families are pretty much the norm these days so statistics that applied a generation ago are redundant now. when I was a child i didn't know anyone else with divorced parents. not one. now my children know dozens, and they are all as well adjusted, well behaved, hard working etc etc as those whose parents live together.

all we can do is our best. and virtually all parents do do their best for their children there will always be those that judge because they would do things differently, but that doesn't mean that either party is right or wrong. each is still just doing their own best.

great post four kids.

OP, would be helpful if we knew more details if you feel you are able to give them.....

Do you still have sex or have you lost all interest? If lost interest, is it just lost interest in having sex with HIM, or is your libido just non-existent? Does he actually repulse you when he tries to give you a cuddle etc?

I suppose I'm trying to say what someone further up said - feeling tired, lacking libido, picking fights with your DH/P is all probably quite a normal phase for a mum of a child the same age as your's, I would say.

But it IS just a phase. How do you know that your situation is different?

sorry, I just wanted to add that if the orignal post is actually a doubt as to whether to leave, then I'm not encouraging you to do so. I'm not encouraging you not to either...my experience of this (and that of other people I've discussed it with) is that you can um and arr about it for a long time, maybe years and years, and one day you'll know that the decision is the right one and the time has come to make it. If you're not sure, do nothing is pretty much always good advice ime! there is always another day

Curlyhaired, just wanted to answer your question - well I've been through the phase of being totally exhausted, not giving a toss what I look like, zero libido that everyone goes through with a young child. Then I reached rock bottom and started to change things - I went to counselling first because I felt so depressed. After that I started to push myself to do things I'd always been too scared to do - being more sociable, taking up new hobbies, teaching my son new things. And I started to look after myself and feel attractive again. I actually feel happier in myself than I've ever been in my life.

But all this had a downside. It made it suddenly clear to me that something else wasn't right. And that was that I wasn't actually in love with my OH. Before I'd never had the confidence to admit or even realise this because it would have meant facing life without a man, and that was unimaginable because I had such low self esteem.

I was avoiding going into the specific problems we have in our relationship, because it's inevitable that people will give their opinions as to whether or not they can be sorted. That's great, but I don't feel I'm at that stage now - I'm trying to actively sort things out rather than just sitting and waiting for the answers to come to me.

I wouldn't blame anyone for wondering why I posted in the first place! It was a bit vague I admit! Just wanted to hear some stories from people who'd left really. But I will say that actually everyone's answers have really helped, especially the ones that don't support me funnily enough! When I talk to friends and counsellors, I get a lot of sympathy and understanding, but sometimes it helps to hear some not so nice things just to make me think about things from a different perspective.

It doesn't mean I'm going to do a 180 and take back everything I've said. Just that it's made me think very deeply about whether my doubts are genuine or whether i'm just looking for a way out because I'm bored with married life, in which case I should grow up and get my priorities straight.

good post 31
i wish you luck with it
i do think trying to sort out a marriage is really an important priority and that it is possible to make enormous changes both in oneself and in one's relationship, but it can take time and hard work and the right helpers / counsellors
i hope it all works out, whichever way things go

Yes i think it is healthy to really think hard and question ourselves.

I too believe that with hard work a marriage can take a turn around - but there may still be doubts.

Hope you find the right answer for you.

31, it's a hard thing to do; to be the one to pull the plug and call it a day. Even if you know you don't love him, you know it hasn't felt right in ages, you know that you'll get through it, it's still going to be a rough patch. Or a difficult year.

You're entitled to post here and talk about it. God some of the shite on AIBU? that people debate at great length, I think you have been entirely sensible, needing to talk about something, which, even if you're sure about, is still a big deal.

It gets easier.

GL

Marriage vows should mean something, you make a promise and my personal view is that you should do your utmost to keep that promise. I would never ever advocate a couple staying together where there was violence, or abuse of any sort, but equally it is unrealistic to think that you can feel the same after several years of marriage and some young children as you did at the beginning of a relationship.

I would urge you to really try and fix your relationship. There was a point where my grandparents had a very rough patch in their marriage. My grandmother most definitely fell out of love with my grandfather - I suspect that she could have written your post. They stayed together and worked at things, and fell back in love. My Grandpa never ever stopped adoring her.
Growing up they were my model for a great relationship, I always used to look at them and think 'I want that'. (my parents have a great relationship too so I'm not searching for stabilty where it doesn't exist or anything).

Sorry to have waffled on. All I'm saying is that if there was something there once then there can be again and you owe it to your husband and your son to try and find it. You have been through a lot of changes, becoming a mother, depression, counselling, and coming out of that depression. Give yourself some time for the new you to learn to love your husband.

Alibaba, that's relevant to the OP some random internet sprite's grandpa loved her Grandma...?

Of course vows should mean something, but OP shouldn't have to pay for a mistake with her misery and her son's misery for the next couple of decades.

Your posts makes me sad and angry. WOmen in 2009 shouldn't be pressurised into staying in unhappy relationships. A lifetime of trying. It sounds so lonely and miserable. And yet, there is still pressure on women to just suck that up. It's not good for anybody, least of all the child(ren).

And I disagree that the pp OWEs it to her husband to go on and on and on and on trying to fake a feeling that isn't there. Love does die. Perceptions alter, people change. Incompatibilities are drawn to the surface. Your post is so trite, I'm a bit d

There is life outside of marriage, being a single parent is sometimes perceived to be awful, when there is a freedom about it that can make you so content, it can lift heavy weights off your shoulders.

I think thats a bit harsh. I have a friend who after really thinking things through thought she did not love her h and so left to be on her own. She hated it and it was only when she was faced with her own lonely future that she did in fact look at her h in a whole new light.

She felt her expitations were set too high by society - live for today, you only live once, you have to have a life outside of marriage ... she wishes she had stayed married. Her h found someone else and she ended up having an affair with her h. She is not proud of herself btw.

They are back together now but her marriage is altered and she is having to do a lot of work to rebuild it.

The grass may appear greener but it isnt always - it depends whether the problems are in the marriage and so can be left or are actually the op - and i think that is what she is trying to decide.

I wish more people would post about how even when things seem shit you can work through them rather than feeling the pressure to ditch it all and start again.

If you want to leave, why are you taking your child? It isn't his choice for his family to break up and it isn't his dad's choice either.

I'm afraid I can see both sides here. Yes, feelings change. They do, undoubtedly. But I'm not really sure what the marriage commitment is if it's something you can just say 'I don't feel the way I used to' and stop. What did it mean to vow a lifetime to someone?

I'm not ivory towering, btw, it's occured to me many a time, for not dissimilar reasons. So really, I think I agree with HappyWoman on the people posting about 'working through the hard stuff'.

Ultimately, if you leave, you just have to live with the guilt it may cause you, because essentially, if you're leaving for the reasons you've outlined, it's your can to carry.

And if that sounds harsh, well, there it is - it's what I've had to tell myself these past couple of years when I've wanted to walk.

Margot - I think you're allowing your own very sad and totally different experience to colour how you are viewing the OP's situation. My observations on my grandparent's relationship are as valid as you sharing your experiences.

Kay that is exactly my point.

OP - I'm not saying stay and I'm not saying go - just give yourself a bit of time.

Well put 31.

Margot : "her son's misery"? Why would her son be miserable? One assumes the OP is a loving Mum and would make every effort not to inflict her unhappiness on her child.

I think your post is a bit old-fashioned and a little bit chip on the shoulder. I am not criticising single parenthood. Was it you who spoke of the couplecentric idealisation of marriage? That's rather topsy turvy -- my perception of marriage is definitely NOT idealised but I got the impression that 31's was, or anyone who really thinks it's never going to be boring or dull or hard work or mundane.

Muffinbaker said...
"If you want to leave, why are you taking your child? It isn't his choice for his family to break up and it isn't his dad's choice either."
I so agree..
Another thing 31 the grass may not be greener on the other side.
My DP's ex forced him out of the house because she decided it was over. They had been to Relate also but she didnt see the point and stopped going with DP.
She told DP she had found him to live with some friends.
Two weeks later she was out dating an old bf.
4 years on she is alone, depressed with few prospects, save for waiting to a knight to save her who never comes.

Alibaba, you don't know anything of my experiences. I stayed for a long time because I wrongly believed that it would be replacing one set of problems with another set.

Society does set expectations, but credit a woman with knowing that her marriage isn't right for her. The OP has said this, not me, I'm not 'transposing' my experiences onto her, far from it, you're doing that, expecting her to stay in an unhappy marriage... So pointless. Such a waste of energy of everybody's part.

It's ludicrous to suggest the OP should leave her child. It must be nice for you all to live such perfect lives that you can judge so quickly.

Stuffitlama, women stay in dysfunctional marriages all the time. Do you disagree that society is geared towards couples ?! cos you'd have to be blind to have missed that.

I have been in a happy relationship, and I've been in an unhappy one. I have the benefit of being able to see both sides. I am neither bitter, nor prejudiced towards one 'side'. But the OP said she wasn't happy and had decided to leave.

I have advised people to appreciate what thye've got/not to cheat/work hard/be the first to apologise.

But that would not be the right advice for the OP. She wants to leave an unhappy relationship. SHe is entitled to do so. This board is supposed to be supportive.