Guilt of breaking up a family

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I am on the verge of leaving my husband. I've tried and tried but I no longer love him. He hasn't done anything wrong and desperately wants to make things work, I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore.

So if I do leave, how do I handle the guilt over hurting him so much, taking his son away from him and taking a loving father away from his son? Anyone been through a similar situation?

We are all entitled and we all have responsibilities Margot. We can choose to be happy.

This doesn't have much to do with 31 any more so and goodnight.

ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen, I feel so sorry for you at the moment. your mind must be in turmoil and everyone is giving you different advice - because everyone's experience is different!

This is my experience (in a very small nutshell!). I stayed and swayed between doing what i perceived to be 'right' (that is right for society, ExH, DCs) and doing what I felt was also 'right' (right for me, for DCs, and in the long run for ExH) for literally years and years and years.

During that time I came to believe that it was absolutely normal to be unhappy, depressed...living a kind of half life where I did a damn good job as a mother and (probably to a lesser degree) wife, while feeling completely numb and almost permanently emotionless. I smiled and cared and carried on like everyone else, but inside i was dead. And I truly came to believe that all marriages were probably like that, and that people who declared love and lust and excitement for and about their DP after a decade or two were deluding themselves or just lying because it was what was expected.

Yet when we split up it was still hard. I drank a lot - not as a drunk, but a bottle a night for a few weeks. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I was scared, but I was happy. I laughed like i hadn't laughed for years. Within weeks the DCs were more settled, happier, better behaved, and gradually I settled into a new life.

Now ExH is undoubtedly happier. he didn't want his world turned upside down, but he'd be the first to admit now that we were both unhappy and his DP suits him much better than I did. And now I know that some people do meet their soulmate who they will love forever, through good times and bad - with whom they can survive the terrible times. And the DCs have two loving families and happy parents and would not be better off with the two miserable parents they used to have.

Clearly in our case no-one lost out. Clearly sometimes they do. But each case is individual, and I see no reason for you to feel guilt, or to be made to feel guilt, whatever decisions you make, and whenever you make them

If you are still reading, all I can say is it does not get easier as the children get older...

I could have written your post, andnow my DCs are in their 20s. I stayed to give them a secure home. I had the chance to move out/ on with an ex, but couldn't. I now see that even when they are older, "children" still have the need for a secure home and although my DCs are older, they would be devastated if we split up.

Listen to your heart. I often think that if I could have made the break then we would all be happpier. My DH dotes on me, but my feelings are just not so strong.

Thanks Fourkids, it's good to hear of someone else's experiences.

The opinions in this thread are so strong it's making me start to question whether things really are as bad as I think they are, which is good. BUT I know I'm in this situation for a reason so I'm going to make something positive out of this whether it is me staying and making it work, or leaving so my son can have two happy parents and my OH can find someone else to make him happy.

To answer the questions about why I'd take my son with me - that's something that my OH and I have talked about and he's said that he believes he should live with me. Although I'd want it to be joint custody of course.

31, people didn't listen to you.

Contrary to what some posters think, I don't go 'round persuading people to leave marriages which just need a bit of compromise or fun...

I don't think people listened to you on this thread. I have my own experiences of course but I did read your posts and my 2cents is that of course you shouldn't feel guilty.

Sorry that thread somehow got hi-jacked into a discussion about the sanctity of marriage.

I really do think that two parents living separately but being on good terms and both loving and seeing lots of the DC is tons better than the parents living in a couple-relationship that is not working for one or both of them. Because trying to maintain a couple-relationship when you do not feel any romantic love or sexual desire for the other person but s/her does feel these things for you is an awful and very unhealthy way to live. The non-loving partner will sooner or later begin to despise the other partner for his/her desires and need for affection, whereas if you are free from the pressure to do romantic or sexual things with someone who is a perfectly nice person but whom you feel no desire for, you can start appreciating and respecting that person again as a good human being, a friend and a co-parent.

Howtotellmum, so do you have resentment / regret for not leaving? If so, does it make the relationship with your OH worse? Did you have serious problems with your OH or simply not love him as much as he loves you? Do you see yourself ever leaving in the future?

Sorry I hope this doesn't seem too intrusive - it's just interesting to get the perspective of someone who's stayed.

PS Thanks for all your support ItsMargot, it's much appreciated!

Howtotell, I think there are 'windows' in children's lives where it's easier to leave.

My 5 yr old had some questions, but we dealt with those and she had extra support from grandparents at that time. She's confident and happy now. But I do realise that if I'd left it a year later, she'd have started school, we mgiht have had to change her, she might have felt overwhelmed by two big changes.....

So I think leaving can be timed

I wrote this in mumsnet a year ago:

"Several months after we separated and we can still claim we have had an extremely friendly divorce: we are friends, we have very little in common, but still can have this looooooong very interesting conversations. We enjoy each other's company, can meet with friends or alone as if nothing has happened, I worry for him and do as much as I can for him to be OK, he does the same. I love him, I really do, but I'm no longer in love with him. He feels the same.

And I'm so bloody very annoyed at having to let go the most important relationship I have had in my life, a complice, a friend, an intellectual challenge, who gives me a combination of things I feel will be unlikely to find in another person again, just because we can not bring ourselves to feel in love with each other.

Before somebody tell me I am crazy (which perhaps I am) and that that's the way love ages, I must add that I can not bear the thought of kissing him or even holding hands with him. It is soooo unfair!

And I'm weeping like an idiot at writing this post... can anyone here make sense of this?"

Well, we are going into our second year of being apart, and we both are very glad we did finish. Being with someone you no longer love ends up by creating a lot of resentment towards the person you are with and it's the sure road to a nasty divorce.

One year since the post, both exH and I have a stronger relationship with DS than we did when we were married. The time with DS is sacred therefore he gets more attention now than he did before when we were just grumping at each other.

One year on, exH is with someone who loves him more than I could, who loves DS and who has bring a "brother" into the life of DS. DS is having a great time.

One year on, I have been with someone that filled my life with such happiness that, although I'm no longer with him, I can still see how correct the decision to leave each other was.

Yes, we tried to save the marriage, we tried hard, but when love is gone is gone. Is not about selfishness, inmaturity, temporary problems, the weather or the position of the moon... So try to save the marriage while you can but, if you are still unclear about it in a years time, leave. It is better for everyone.

31, I'm reading this with a lot of interest, as I'm in a very similar situation to you. I can completely identify with most of the feelings you describe, and we also have a 2 yr old son. We're not married though, and my extra complication is that I'm in DP's country.
Whenever I read this kind of thread, and the inevitable 'what did your vows mean? it's not all roses you know' comments, I can only think that those people cannot imagine what it must be like to envisage the years ahead in the words of fourkids :a half life, completely numb, dead inside, thinking this is normal?
I love Margot's posts, Solidgold is v astute too, and it's great to hear from those who've lived through this and either left or stayed.
Keep posting.
xx

MemysonandI, do you mind if I ask if it was a joint decision to split up? Or like the OP, you not loving him?

We both had been trying to save it for years... while thinking the other one wanted to stay.

Having said that, I think that even if it were not a joint decision is a good idea to leave if the love is gone. It is not fair to spend your life with someone you don't love or with someone who doesn't love you. It just creates a lot of resentment. This is by NO means and easy decision, it takes a lot of courage to leave, sometimes more than staying and trying to save it until the end of times.

One day, while I was dithering about the subject, a friend asked me how would I feel if I discovered H was having an affair. My answer was, well at least he would leave me alone on that aspect... I knew then we were over... so over that even when he found someone I didn't feel the slightest jealousy (and I suppose neither did he... he became a good friend to my new boyfriend)

i'm with stuffit and alibaba. (and happywoman - too right.)

virtually no child of divorce would say they are better off, barring those leaving a violent situation. not just my opinion - there is plenty of research on the subject.

marriage is work, and i think you (and anyone) are lucky to have someone who loves you and wants to be married to you. That isn't something that comes round every day. does he not deserve your love? can you not bring yourself to give your love to him? or is it too precious to give to the man you chose to marry, a man you say loves you?

personal gratification is all well and good, but once there are children in the equation - well, you are right to feel guilty about taking away his stability. I still resent my mother and father for pursuing their personal gratification, and will never fully forgive them. i wonder if any of the women promoting single parenthood here actually grew up in such a household??

you bring your intentions, hopefully good ones, to any relationship. when you give them up, the relationship can only fail.

This is one of my strongest reasons for thinking I don't love him - if my OH met someone else I would be happy for him and not at all jealous. He told me the other day that some women had been flirting with him (to make me jealous), and my initial thought was, that's good, at least he won't have any trouble meeting other people.

Is that a strong indicator that the love has gone, or can you feel like that but still turn things around?

to be fair, i do agree with there being "windows" to leave, and 2 is probably better than for an older child.

i also agree that it CAN work, if both parents make the sustained effort to create two families for the child.

unfortunately it can break down all too easily, particularly if a new partner feels threatened, wants their own family to come first, etc.

daringdoris - that is a complication to be sure. i hope i will always be with my DH but I too am in his country, and I have committed to myself that I will stay with our son here if worse came to worse. (based on my experience of having almost no relationship with my father.)

I think people are making a lot of assumptions and judgements about me! Oh well, what can I expect when I haven't given all the history ... I could go into all the details but I'm sure I'd still get the same responses because no-one knows how I really feel except me.

A few months ago I would have been in tears reading some of these posts but I'm strong enough now not to take it all to heart if I think it's unjustified. Keep it coming...

you're right - only you know the full situation.

i'm only responding to the info here, and to the other posters.

not to be confused with saying you are a horrible person, full stop. you have to use your judgment, ultimately.

"i wonder if any of the women promoting single parenthood here actually grew up in such a household??"

I wonder if you have been in the position of your mother and father.... you may think different if you had all the facts.

Obviously, children are better off in a household with two happy parents, but two unhappy ones can cause more damage than a happy single one. Now, we can not ignore the possibility of ending in a household with a single unhappy parent which is, obviously, the worst case scenario.

31, I wouldn't care if mine met someone else either, in fact it would be a weight off my mind.
Goodnightmoon, yes, it's a complication alright, and one that I'm trying not to think about until I have a little more clarity about our situation. It's there in the back of my mind though...
Another thread though methinks...

No-one is "promoting single parenthood" here as far as I can see. Some are promoting CHOICE.

And fwiw, i am of an age where I was the only child I knew with divorced parents until I was about 12. I am successful and reasonably well adjusted . In fact I can't think of anyone I resent, or anyone I actively don't forgive anything - they are wasted emotions (like guilt) that make life unhappy for the bearer rather then the object of the emotion.

I felt HUGE guilt when my marriage broke down and would fight for the right of any unhappy woman not to be judged and berated for doing what she felt was best (best all round).

Interestingly my BF resents her parents for staying together for so long. She feels they made her childhood tense and unhappy, and was relieved when they finally called it a day in her late teens.

If you get to the stage where you can't help but cringe when someone touches you, and the thought of having sex with them makes you think you'd rather have smallpox if it'd spare you, no you can't just bring yourself to love them!

I hope those who are trying to make the OP feel so unworthy and guilt-ridden don't find yourselves someway down the line out of love with their DH and desperate to leave their marriage, because such judgmental dogmatism, such black and white vision would cause the most almighty internal battle and cause dreadful emotional scars.

The OP sounds sensible and is making a considered decision. She doesn't deserve this guilt trip.

I grew up in a happy two parent family, and my children are growing up in a happy one parent family, so I'm promoting happy families.

I am partly finding this thread interesting because I am sort of at the opposite end of it. DS dad and I are not a couple, have not been a couple for about 20 years (DS is 4: while not a couple we were drinking buddies who had the occasional shag). We have been getting on fine as co-parents, with DS dad coming over at least twice a week and looking after DS while I go and do stuff etc, we have also had plenty of 'family' time - and this weekend when DS was in bed and the two of us parents had necked a few drinks we got into this discussion about a) (the important bit) having another child, because we both sort of would like another child and we both respect each other as parents and get on OK... and b) should we then get married?
If we decided to get married it would definitely not be a monogamy deal because I just don't do that. But I simply don't know whether actually lliving in the same house would make us hate each other after a while...

Thirty - are you already involved with someone else?

The 'he deserves someone better' is a pretty standard phase used by those who have already moved on, ime!

ps, when people say marriage is 'work', 90% of the time they mean that even a good marriage requires thoughtfulness, consideration, enthusiasm, respect, affection......

But some people seem almost to think that an unhappy marriage can be patched up with 'work' ie, endurance, sublimation, sacrafice, selflessness, resignation...... it just sounds so joyless, martyred and pointless.

Life is short, carpe diem........

Good night all.