Guilt of breaking up a family

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I am on the verge of leaving my husband. I've tried and tried but I no longer love him. He hasn't done anything wrong and desperately wants to make things work, I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore.

So if I do leave, how do I handle the guilt over hurting him so much, taking his son away from him and taking a loving father away from his son? Anyone been through a similar situation?

Solidgold, when you say that I might be making myself miserable unnecessarily, do you mean that I should maybe accept that I can be happy with my OH without feeling romantic about him? I agree that people can be happy without a romantic relationship, but to be living and raising a child with someone you're not romantically involved with is a whole different matter.

You said that you might marry the father of your child, which of course might work for you because it sounds like both of you would go into the relationship with the same expectations. But as you said, when one person has deeper feelings than the other, as in my case, there's going to be resentment.

My OH would never pressure me into sex, but I know he wants it. But I don't even like hugging him now The trouble is since my self esteem has increased, a physical relationship has become really important to me. So ok I could suggest to my OH that we stay together but 'see' other people, but I'm 99% sure that wouldn't work for us. Or I could start having affairs. But that's a no-no for me. Or I could stay and never have a physical relationship again.

I'm not saying that I'd leave purely because of this issue, but it's an important one isn't it?

31: Yes, it is an important issue, and the important bit is that you and your H want different things - a couple can live and co-parent very happily without a romantic relationship as long as that suits them both, but when one wants the relationship to be 'proper/couple/involving sex' and the other doesn't, then you have an unsortable problem. If you are wanting sex but very definitely not with your H then that is very much a clear signal that you have to change your relationship status with him.
I think you might find counselling helpful specifically for ways to manage the breakup as kindly as possible - but you need to do it fairly soon while you are still fond of him and before the endless pressure of his sexual desire makes you start to hate and despise him (I know he is not actively pressuring you and I am sure he is a lovely bloke who wouldn't dream of it, but when you are aware that someone wants to have sex with you but you don't feel the same, it kind of taints everything eventually).

I think 31 is unhappy because she had a kid with the wrong person in the first place. Now things have happened in her life that have made her realise this, and she cannot believe she has got herslf, and her H, and her DS into this mess. I don't know whether she's thinking about a future relationship yet, I'd imagine she's still trying to work out the best thing to do in (or out) of this one.

Solidgold, I can completely see, and agree with what you say about how corrosive incompatibility in sexual desire can be. However, this is not (at the moment) the biggest source of my unhappiness. That is that I made a huge mistake, that is now blindingly obvious, and I can't see a way out of it without making huge, horrible compromises in people's lives. So I feel incredibly stupid, and incredibly unhappy and incredibly trapped. I suppose the OP feels similarly.

31, you seem to have a good idea of how things would work out on a practical level.
Are you going to set yourself a deadline?

I type FAR too slowly!

I've had my initial Relate consultation, I'm just waiting to hear when my 'proper' sessions will be. Once I have those then I think I'll make decisions such as setting a deadline. Although in my head I'm thinking sometime around the end of this year.

Daringdoris, can I ask what the biggest problem is with your relationship, and what's happened to make it blindingly obvious? Only if you want to say of course.

Daringdoris: sorry you are having such a bad time. I do think it's so important to keep on saying that families can take all sorts of shapes and forms and that it's not right or fair to expect one person to just suck it up if s/he is miserable in a situation, just because the other people in the situation are content with the status quo.

My situation is really similar to yours, in that I look back and realise I've never really loved my DP.
Like you, about a year ago, I was really down, exhausted, Ds wasn't sleeping, I was a full time SAHM, so v isolated, I'm in another country with no close friends, nobody around me is on the same parenting 'wavelength' as me, so lots of stuff going round in my head. I've gradually come out of that, gone back to work part time, got to knew new people, started yoga, and things slowly started getting clearer in my head. I spent most of Dec and Jan with a sinking feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat because I felt like I'd beeen sleepwalking through my life, and I'd just woken up and realised the enormity of my mistake.
In Feb, I eventually told a couple of people, which made me feel better in a way but also confirmed what I thought. Everybody I've told has more or less said they could see it coming
The biggest problem with our relationship? Very little in common, different values, different desires, different ambitions,different ways of seeing the world...Everyone's different I know, but when there's no common ground everything's a battle.
And our other problem is that I'm living in Dp's country. We've always said we'd come back to the UK (and I REALLY want to), but what if we split up? Could I go back with DS? I'm not at that stage yet (hopefully going to first relate session in UK next week), but I can't imagine how we'd organise things...

daringdoris, i think the answer to some of your pratical questions depends on which country you are in?

Daringdoris how does your OH feel about it all? Have you told him the truth about how you feel? I could never tell my OH that I don't feel I ever really loved him, it would be devastating. Hence I'm going to Relate alone!

FWIW I think that telling someone you never really loved them should be avoided at all costs: it doesn't achieve anything and is devastatingly hurtful. Telling them that you no longer love them is going to be hurtful, but why wreck what happy memories they do have? Especially if you respect and like the person.

Not exactly, I've told him that I don't think we've got much in common, I've given him lots of examples which he agrees with, as it's mostly fairly factual stuff. I've told him I don't know exactly how I feel right now, and he knows I'm planning to go to Relate on my own next week.
I've been honest with him, but I've chosen what to say, I don't think I could tell him that I never really loved him either - and maybe I do't need to? I've told him that if we hadn't got DS I'd want to split up.
He's not much of a talker though, I often feel I'm talking at him.

fourkids: I'm in France, so not that far away, but not exactly practical for contact if me and ds come back to the UK! Although, we're nowhere near that stage yet, getting ahead of myself here...

Yes solidgold, x-posts, but spot on about telling someone you never loved them.

solidgold- you said this:Having to spend a lot of time in the company of someone who wants you sexually when you do not want to be sexual with that person is actually very, very corrosive. The other person will, in the end, come to disgust you (however nice, decent and non-pushy s/he is). S/he will also gradually begin to resent you and feel hurt and angry at your lack of desire and the situation will just get more and more unpleasant.

Do you have evidence/experience of this? sometimes i thhink your posts are very good and hit the nail on the head, but at other times i think you make comments which you convey as facts, but are actually your opinion.

Some men and women are happy to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship- possibly without sex- rather than ending it. They might choose to stay for financial reasons or for the sake of the children.

Very few relationships tic k all the boxes and although good sex is fundemental to many people, other people might be not feel quite the same, or it may be a price they are willing to pay.

I can empathise 100 % with the OP_ I felt the same as she did after my 2nd child- completely trapped but unable to make the break. I have felt that way now for over 20 yrs. recently I met a man- who is not free, but we are friends- who makes me feel sexual in a way that no-one else has, but we are holding back due to our consciences.

This has made me see how little my DH does for me, but at his request I am giving it one last try and trying hard to see his good points and try to re kindle desire, as I do not want to divorce or put my children through a divorce.

Going back to your original point, my DH has only just said he wants to end things if they don't get better- this is after 9 years of no sex- partly due to a genuine health problem but also down to my lack of desire for him. I am sure many of you will be shocked by this...the point is that he loved me enough to put up with it....

I think the OP knows what she has to do, she just needs the courage to do it.

HTTM: from observation and experience I have gained the idea that living closely with someone when there is a wish for sex on one side and no desire for it with that person on the other side does tend to get unpleasant.
It's interesting that you have only started to want to end your sex-free relationship now you have met someone else who makes you want sex: tbh (and sorry to be blunt, and please bear in mind that a) I don't know you and b) I am not a 'professional sexpert' and even if I had a bit of paper to say I was one, it's still a very imprecise science) I don't think your 'last try' is going to work.

solidgold - what are your reasons for saying the relationship won't work now that howtotellmum feels desire for someone else? Do you think those feelings can't be overcome? I don't have desires for someone specific but my situation's still more or less the same.

solidgold- the reason I am giving it one last try is because I did once feel desrire for my DH otherwise Iwould not have married him. I have to admit- and this is hard- that those feelings had dimidhed before the wedding, as again, I had met another man, but it was the "wrong time" for him and it was unlikely towork out.
Much of my lack of desrire for my DH is to do with there not being a "meeting of minds" on some level, and I am hoping that if we can re generate a closeness in an emotional sesne. then maybe the sex willwork- or maybe I can accept it is not going to be wonderful, but accet "okay" sex as the relationship gives me other things- eg security, financial security ( my career has fallen off after being a parent and only working p/t for 20 years) and he does really love me- that is all a lot to give up in exchange for super sex...which I might never find anyway with anyone else.

I have asked him if he would accept an "open relationship" where I have sex with other men, but stay with him, and he says def.not.

I just thnk resentment and contepmpt are going to creep in and grow. And once contempt is present it's pretty much impossible to go back from there.

Do you mean I will feel contempt for him- or he for me?

If it's me for him, contempt is far too strong a word. I just feel overwhelming sadness- sadness that a lovely man loves me desperately, cries when we discuss splitting up, is a great father, has never looked at another woman in the 30 years since we first met- but who just doesn't set me alight.

It was a mistake to marry him, but I was almost 30, had had several long relationships that had eneded- not by my choice- and saw him as what I wanted in so many ways. I should have had the courage NOT to go ahead with it, but I did think that the strong feelings and desire I'd once had would come back.

Obviously it can't have all been that bad otherwise I would not be here after 25 years...but I know deep down that it's not what I would choose if I could turn back the clock.

What makes me stay is the fear of the hurt I will cause 3 other people, my fear of being alone- maybe forever- and the financial poverty I would suffer compared to a very comfortable lifestyle. The only thing that would make me leave is to allow him to be free to meet someone who could really love him- I DO love him, but the sexual element is just not there strongly enough for me - and from what I have read, it dies off after 2 years anyway in most relationships.

Interstingly solidgold I ownder if that is why you keep having a variety of partners, as the novelty of new ones wears off?

HTTM, in your 23:18 post, you say that some people are happy to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfactory, for various reasons. However, later on the same post, you say that your Dh 'loved you enough to put up with it'. I think that is somewhat nearer to the truth than saying people are happy with a situation. I have not been in your situation, but I do know some who have, and for most of them, it has been a case of reluctantly accepting a sad situation, often for financial reasons, rather than happily embracing it.

I think the saddest thing about this thread, is the number of paople who appear to be 'trying again', through relate r whatever, when what they are really doing is covering their back so that when they do separate, they can do so with a 'clear' conscience. If you have no genuine desire to get a relationship back on track, why put the other person through it and give them false hope? Even if you don't love them, surely you must have some compassion for them. And I am not referring to any DV victims here, I do accept that is a totally different situation.

I feel so for all of you in this situation, including the OH's.

I feel for the OP's other half and child too. His life is going to be turned upside down, he wont be with his child every day and on top of that he is expected to leave his home.

Its an awful situation for the innocent parties involved.

sayit- what may I ask is wrong in having a clear conscience? Surely that is the right way to end anything- if it happens- knowing that you have made 100% effort to try to make it work?
I don't beleive that I ever said I was simply going through the motions of trying to make it work, or that I was not committed to trying?
It is not, on my part, a cyncial attempt to make it look as if I am trying, so that I won't feel bad if it ends. Who would I be kidding if i did that? Only myself.

My DH and I have had this very conversation- he can't be bothered to try if I am not committed to trying as well. I agree I have doubts over the outcome, but that doesn't mean I am not sincere in my attempts to rekindle things.

HTTM, I did not specifically refer tou you in the second paragraph of my post, because I did not necessarily think you were in the group of people I was referring to. I was actually referring to others who had already stated that they were going to Relate, giving the impression that they were 'trying' when actually, they have already decided to leave and just wanted to clear their conscience so they don't have to feel guilty. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a clear conscience if the 'trying again' has been entered into with a genuine desire to get back on track. If however it is being done in a more cynical fashion, IMO, that is wrong and very unfair to the partner. Your attitude, again, IMO, is one I would think totally reasonable. Nobody can know what the outcome will be as long as you are making genuine attempts to sort it out, If that doesn't work, nobody would blame you at all for separating, but as I said, my comments were aimed at others who have given a different impression to yourself.
FWIW, I wish you luck and hope you can sort it out.

HTTM - it sounds like you have a lovely husband. i hope you can find a way to start having sex again, and to make it fun. heavens, after 9 years, you should be able to tap into that lustful stage again!

sayit thank you!

goodnight thank you too!