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Original poster

I've been put off new partner and its for such a shallow, horrible reason. I feel guilty and mean

105 replies

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 21:23

I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. He's a lovely person, bought me chocolates, offered to take my son to his astronomy club (don't ask!) arranged lots of nice days out for us all and I did like him.

He is a bit over weight (well, about 5 stone overweight) but he did tell me he used to weigh almost 30 stone and has lost the weight quickly, very quickly with the aid of an operation which restricted what he could eat dramatically.

It didn't bother me.

However when he told me he was looking for some exercise classes to join, I suggested he join karate with me. I've been going for a couple of years now and knew the people there would be kind to him. He was nervous as hell but came along tonight which was brave of him.

However, I'm afraid I saw him in a whole new light during the class and it really put me off. For one thing, the dramatic weight loss showed its negative consequences badly through the baggy clothes. Lots and lots of loose skin and flab all over from his arms, chest, stomach. It was a complete turn off and I DO try and be non--judgemental but it wasn't easy to ignore it. A few of the little kids were staring which I know is not nice at all but that's how noticable it was.

Apart from that, he just came across so unmanly couldn't manage more than two press-ups, flinched when the instructor demonstrated something on him, couldn't form a proper fist without being shown and he laughed along with the little kids during a demonstration which was just rude and stupid and really pissed off my instructor.

I KNOW I'm being shallow and mean but I feel totally turned off by him after tonight. I am not against over-weight people AT ALL. I have been overweight myself but it was an extreme. And to add a bit more venom to the bitchyness I seem to be showing right now, his clothes were also horrid. He was wearing a faded black dragon t-shirt, the kind a 'heavy metal' student would wear.

And I know this sounds awful but I was praying to god he wouldn't introduce himself as my partner/boyfriend at karate I was embarrassed.

So go on, am I a complete bitch now? I do feel horrible and upset by it all. I thought we had something but after tonight and all the negative thoughts in my head, I can't face the thought of even speaking to him again

OP posts:
elsiepiddock · 27/03/2009 21:27

Maybe shallow, even mean - but you are being honest.

He sounds repugnant, so I don't blame you!

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 21:29

oh no is this guinea pig man? pros ... and the cons

Original poster
BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 21:29

Yes, Guinea Pig man

OP posts:
Heated · 27/03/2009 21:29

I would guess that being so overweight it's restricted his social life massively, he's a bit inept and in uncertain surrounding he's nervous. It's brave of him to go along.

That said, however, sexual attraction is not something you can force. There is no point continuing to see him romantically. Could he still be a friend?

LittleBitOfDustInMyEye · 27/03/2009 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mooseheart · 27/03/2009 21:31

Well, you can't force yourself to fancy someone, just as very often you can't force yourself not to fancy someone. Chemistry plays funny games with our heads, if we all fancied who we were meant to fancy (and didn't fancy those we weren't meant to) the world would be a far simpler place (and Jeremy Kyle would be out of a job).

What I'm trying to say, in my usual convoluted way, is that you are not a bitch, you are not shallow, you are human, and you must beat away any feelings of guilt. Recognise your feelings first, then you can start to make decisions as to whether he is worth holding on to or not - flabby tum or no flabby tum.

PestoBloomingColdMonster · 27/03/2009 21:31

Don't feel guilty. You don't like him any more, now that you've got to know a bit more about what he's like. Just find a way of moving on.

Good luck!

Haribosmummy · 27/03/2009 21:32

It would put me off too....

The fact that you didn't want him to refer to himself as your BF really says it all.

I think you are being honest and, as long as you word it slightly differently to him , then I'm sure there is no harm done.

PestoBloomingColdMonster · 27/03/2009 21:32

Mooseheart said it much eloquently than me.

HairyMuff · 27/03/2009 21:32

Oh dear. I think its fair enough. You can't force yourself to find someone physically attractive. Its either there or its not. I take it you've not shagged him yet then?

millionsandmillions · 27/03/2009 21:33

'repugnant'. Nice.

you were embarrassed that children were staring at his skin?

you seem to have thrown this man into your life really very quickly - two weeks and he is taking your entire family out and going to your karate class - before you've even found out if you like him properly or not

'couldn't make a fist' good grief

and you don't want to speak to him again, because he has flabby arms and you didn't like his T shirt

I don't actually think shallow covers it

Mooseheart · 27/03/2009 21:34

BTW, if there's no physical attraction now, there ain't gonna be any in ten year's time that's for sure.

I would nip this one in the bud. Nicely.

SerendipitousHarlot · 27/03/2009 21:34

You definitely can't take it any further

My dh is considerably overweight, but I like it. He's always been big, but I like big men.

If you don't fancy him though, it'll just end up with you feeling sick.

If it's any consolation, I dumped someone once for being sick from drink after a night out we'd been on. I just thought 'what a lightweight' and that was the end of that

HairyMuff · 27/03/2009 21:35

oh yes I've dumped people for a lot less.

Bad hair cuts
White socks with black shoes.
Funny trousers

millionsandmillions · 27/03/2009 21:35

I'm not saying she should fancy him

but being embarrassed by him and hoping he wouldn't introduce himself as her boyfriend sounds like something a teenager would say

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 21:36

IMO physical attraction is VITAL in a relationship. reasons:

1 - how happy would you be if you found out that someone continued dating you (and even went to bed with you) despite not thinking you were attractive because they thought you were a "nice person" or "good for them" or whatever. It would be horrible, you wouldn't want to date someone who thought that of you so dont do it to someone else.

2 - physical attraction is more than we can rationalise, there's a whole load of anthropological reasons why we fancy who we do so I dont think its a great idea to fight nature too much

3 - if the "spark" isnt there, you cant force it. If you dont get the feelings of physical attraction it will eventually either wear you or him down. You cant MAKE it work, damn, its hard enough to make a relationship WITH the physical spark there work.

wannaBe · 27/03/2009 21:38

I think that in reality we all have a shallow side to us though?

People are often attracted to each other through visual chemistry, and if it isn't there then there isn't an attraction, surely.

I think we would all be lying if we said that there weren't physical things that would put us off someone - from a sexual pov at least.

Even for me who can't see, and who will always judge people on their personality rather than their looks would be turned off by someone who was grossly overweight for instance. It's human nature, and if the attraction isn't there then there's not much you can do about it.

I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is, is there more on the inside that outweighs the negatives on the physical side?

Haribosmummy · 27/03/2009 21:38

She didn't take him there with that intention, though. I think the OP is a bit shocked herself, so that's a bit unfair Millionsandmillions

Sometimes, in the cold light of day (or karate class) these things happen.

Just best be nice and move on.

Mooseheart · 27/03/2009 21:39

You know, I once dumped a 6'5" bouncer with a phd and an eight inch willy. All my friends thought he was gorgeous.

I just didn't fancy him (he was a bit boring). Didn't make me superficial though.

millionsandmillions · 27/03/2009 21:41

I don't think I did say anything unfair

fair enough she didn't fancy him. I completely understand that, she didn't, and that woulld be fine

But she doesn't just say that

she says she is embarrassed by him and can't stand the thought of even talking to him

and that's shallow, yes, sorry and all that

suwoo · 27/03/2009 21:42

That is harsh millions. I think batmanswilly is being honest and as others have said you can't help who you find attractive.

elsiepiddock · 27/03/2009 21:44

I once dumped someone I had fancied for ages because when I finally started going out with him I realised he had some really dodgy clothes!

spicemonster · 27/03/2009 21:44

Sexual attraction is shallow though isn't it?

wannaBe · 27/03/2009 21:47

I do think that op saying she couldn't stand the thought of even talking to him is shallow and wrong.

It's one thing to not fancy someone because of a physical atribute, it's quite another to dismiss someone altogether beause of their physical appearance.

GossipMonger · 27/03/2009 21:47

At least you are being honest though

Not many people would say what you said and if you dont fancy him anymore then fair enough.

I have dumped people for less!

How are you going to dump him?