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Original poster

I've been put off new partner and its for such a shallow, horrible reason. I feel guilty and mean

105 replies

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 21:23

I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. He's a lovely person, bought me chocolates, offered to take my son to his astronomy club (don't ask!) arranged lots of nice days out for us all and I did like him.

He is a bit over weight (well, about 5 stone overweight) but he did tell me he used to weigh almost 30 stone and has lost the weight quickly, very quickly with the aid of an operation which restricted what he could eat dramatically.

It didn't bother me.

However when he told me he was looking for some exercise classes to join, I suggested he join karate with me. I've been going for a couple of years now and knew the people there would be kind to him. He was nervous as hell but came along tonight which was brave of him.

However, I'm afraid I saw him in a whole new light during the class and it really put me off. For one thing, the dramatic weight loss showed its negative consequences badly through the baggy clothes. Lots and lots of loose skin and flab all over from his arms, chest, stomach. It was a complete turn off and I DO try and be non--judgemental but it wasn't easy to ignore it. A few of the little kids were staring which I know is not nice at all but that's how noticable it was.

Apart from that, he just came across so unmanly couldn't manage more than two press-ups, flinched when the instructor demonstrated something on him, couldn't form a proper fist without being shown and he laughed along with the little kids during a demonstration which was just rude and stupid and really pissed off my instructor.

I KNOW I'm being shallow and mean but I feel totally turned off by him after tonight. I am not against over-weight people AT ALL. I have been overweight myself but it was an extreme. And to add a bit more venom to the bitchyness I seem to be showing right now, his clothes were also horrid. He was wearing a faded black dragon t-shirt, the kind a 'heavy metal' student would wear.

And I know this sounds awful but I was praying to god he wouldn't introduce himself as my partner/boyfriend at karate I was embarrassed.

So go on, am I a complete bitch now? I do feel horrible and upset by it all. I thought we had something but after tonight and all the negative thoughts in my head, I can't face the thought of even speaking to him again

OP posts:
SalBySea · 27/03/2009 22:42

OP are you SCARED of dumping him because he's given you gifts / booked stuff for the future / told you that his motivation is linked to being with you

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/03/2009 22:42

tell him he can take the guinea pigs to see it.

suwoo · 27/03/2009 22:43

I wasn't being grumpy- sorry if you thought that. I am married to the most miserable thoughtless twat but I know that odes to guinea pigs aren't normal.

I'd stick to the axe-murderer if I was you

Remotew · 27/03/2009 22:45

Agree after 2 weeks its rushing into sharing your hobbies, family with him. Easy to be put off at this stage. Be honest and move on.

Original poster
BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:48

SalBySea, I suppose so yes I'm scared of hurting him anymore than I already will do. I know he's vunerable and it makes me feel worse.

ControlFreak - nobody takes my Guinea Pigs anywhere! they're mine, all mine

Suwoo, I realise that now. You were speaking sense, I was just so pleased that someone had been 'nice' to be for once, I'm not had the best experience with men

And oh god, I'd forgotten about Axe-Murderer! goes to dig out Axe-Murderers number

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 27/03/2009 22:49

Oh I feel a bit sorry for him - he is still a very overweight person trapped in a new persons body and he is a bit desperate to be liked really but nothing he has done is horrific - he is trying to consider your thoughts and feelings, went to a class when he was nervous for your sake and is trying to do what he thinks in his slightly inept way will make you happy. I think that to be a decent person you need to let him down now. Nicely. Hopefully he will find someone who appreciates his really quite sweet, if a little bit clingy behaviour. And I agree with the girls who say do not bring people into your kids life so quickly. Its very irresponsible. You have led the poor guy on a bit so its only fair you tell him properly that he isnt for you.

Remotew · 27/03/2009 22:52

Batmanwilly, you can always do the 'let's just be friends' on him. You probably would love to just be friends but it must be crushing to a guy that really had designs on you. Hard though it is perhaps better in the long run.

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 22:55

prettyfly she didn't introduce to dc as bf as such, her family knew him years back as acquaintance

solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 22:56

Batmanswilly: it might be because you have had bad experiences in the past that a) you, too, were a bit desperate for affection from a nice person and b) gave off a bit of a 'needy and grateful for attention' vibe to him. Just because someone is nice to you doesn't mean that he is entitled to sex or a relationship; unfortunately because there is this huge cultural thing going on of women being expected to be nice to men and 'need' one of their very own and to be grateful for male attention, far too many women end up in relationships with (or indeed being raped by) men who make them feel uncomfortable or put off or bored, because they can't get their heads round the idea that it's OK TO SAY NO. I am not implying at all that Mr Guine Pigs is a potential rapist, just that on some level (probably a deepdown subconscious one as he sounds a bit socially inadequate rather than predatory) he's thinking that if he does partner-ish things at you, then he gets to be your partner because, after all, you're single and therefore available to him.

Remotew · 27/03/2009 23:03

Solidgold that is a bit heavy but in some ways I understand what you are saying.

I have a close relationship with a man that I'm not and never will be attracted to. He has had girlfriends during our friendship as I have had male lovers and my defense is that if we had been lovers our relationship wouldn't have spanned the years that it has. I often worry that he feels he will break me eventually which he never will.

SlartyBartFast · 27/03/2009 23:05

god, if you have gone off him, end it... it happens to us all.. and after 2 weeks you can't have had that many dates

ilovemydogandMrObama · 27/03/2009 23:16

OK, so he's fat, he leaves weird notes about guinea pigs and argues with your karate teacher.

You need a gentle let down with him as otherwise he will take it personally. Obviously it is a bit personal, but he sounds like a lovely guy. You just don't want him as your boyfriend but want to stay friends....

How about simply: 'I'm not ready, would be unfair to you....'

NotPlayingAnyMore · 27/03/2009 23:20

"Apart from that, he just came across so unmanly sad couldn't manage more than two press-ups, flinched when the instructor demonstrated something on him, couldn't form a proper fist without being shown and he laughed along with the little kids during a demonstration which was just rude and stupid and really pissed off my instructor."

Flinching is surely the desired effect of your (presumably at least black belt, if not also with a few dan grades under that belt) instructor upon the unitiated. You can't expect anyone to override that basic human instinct after one session.
I'd be surprised if, after two years of karate, you didn't know full well that the way most people naturally form a fist is only good for getting bones broken.
Of course newbies needs to be shown these things, otherwise none of you would need the lessons.
As for laughing along with the kids, you and can see why it appears rude but to the outsider, karate etiquette and politics can often be like a world of it's own. It differs so much between martial arts if not styles of each as well and even some gradings are accepted as that informal. He probably thought he was just making friends.

That would be unfair to say of anyone, which is a shame as everything else you've said - although sad - isn't unreasonable.

Remotew · 27/03/2009 23:21

It is simply as, we have all done it. Notes about guinea pigs? Was that another thread. Gosh I'm bored tonight.

prettyfly1 · 27/03/2009 23:23

I have to admit - I am dying to know what the guinea pig note contained. Surely that would put you off well before flabby skin??

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/03/2009 23:48

You should always trust the ick with a new partner. If you feel the ick, for whatever reason, it's only going to get worse. I've binned off men for shallower reasons than this, don't worry about it!

Remotew · 27/03/2009 23:51

lol, Still want to know about the G pigs. Agree the day you think 'what a prat' is the day you get outta there.

Curiousmama · 28/03/2009 00:03

'Personally I would take the bit about you making him determined to loose weight as a massive red flag (if you hadnt gone off him already). It just screams emotional blackmail to me, like those people who tell people that their health or mental health will get worse if they dump them. "Dont leave me or all the hard work I did to loose weight will be undone and it'll be all your fault" From Salbysea

Agree about the emotional blackmail and that it's moved too fast. I've been guilty of this too and you just learn by it. You don't owe him a relationship. Please don't feel guilty as I'm guessing this guy is going to play the pity card but hope I'm wrong?

Mooseheart · 28/03/2009 07:41

As Slarty says, it has happened to us all. Being dumped does hurt like fuck but at the end of the day only he can build himself back up and get on with his life. You owe him nothing. You do not hold the strings to his future happiness.

Besides which, you owe him the decency of not going out with him because you pity him. How condescending is that? Good luck.

akhems · 28/03/2009 08:24

I can't comment on his personality but I can empathise with him regarding the skin and clothing issue.

I've just lost 10 stone and I have loose skin, some of which will settle in time and some of which will probably need plastic surgery. I'm very self conscious about it but can manage to disguise most of it, apart from my bingo wings from hell.. however I'm a woman and there are all sorts of magic pants etc for us. You'll probably find that in a year or so he'll have all that skin removed and look fabulous.

As to clothes, I've been mostly wearing hand me downs and charity shop stuff because it's not been economically viable to spend lots of money on clothes that will be too big within a few weeks.. there's a good chance he'll be in the same boat.

If you don't find him attractive or whatever, please be kind, he's probably really insecure and unsure about himself and the whole dating thing.

BottySpottom · 28/03/2009 13:32

I don't think, if you were shallow, you would be this anguished about it.

As others have said, choosing a sexual parther and choosing friends are very different things - you HAVE to be attracted to them.

I am sure you will be kind in dumping him and I hope you find a good excuse such as getting cold feet etc. I would pay for the tickets in April though to relieve your feelings of guilt.

BottySpottom · 28/03/2009 13:33

Gah - I am meant to be doing the Sainsbury's order, and now I have to go and search for poems about bleedin' guinea pigs.

MrsMattie · 28/03/2009 13:38

It doesn't matter what your reasons are. There are many and complex things that go into making someone attractive/not to a person. There is no science to it - either you do fancy him or don't, and you don't. If you are repulsed by him at this early stage, cut to the chase.

Give him the 'I'm not really ready for a relationship' spiel if you want to soften the blow. Whatever. Just don't give him false hope.

You are not a bad person, btw

BottySpottom · 28/03/2009 13:46

In my search for the guinea pig poem, I came across other threads of yours and it seems this situation has occurred before. Maybe take it a bit slower and think a bit more about what they are telling you on the first date so that you don't end up here again?

Original poster
BatmansWilly · 28/03/2009 14:35

I know, you're right You know, after the last couple of crap relationships I told myself I will NEVER 'settle' for anyone again. Next time, I will make sure he is 100% right for me. No more 'making do'.

It's been a good few years since my last relationship so it's not as if I'm on the rebound but I AM ready for 'dating' again. And I think I want it so badly, I fell into my old trap of 'making do' again.

I WANTED to like this man and I suppose I knew from the start that it wasn't right. But, when he started being so kind to me, something I'd never had from a man before I decided ... if only subconciously to 'make do'.

I suppose the karate lesson was a wake up call. SOrt of "Hey Batman! you're doing it again! making do with someone who isn't right for you!".

OP posts: