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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've been put off new partner and its for such a shallow, horrible reason. I feel guilty and mean

105 replies

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 21:23

I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. He's a lovely person, bought me chocolates, offered to take my son to his astronomy club (don't ask!) arranged lots of nice days out for us all and I did like him.

He is a bit over weight (well, about 5 stone overweight) but he did tell me he used to weigh almost 30 stone and has lost the weight quickly, very quickly with the aid of an operation which restricted what he could eat dramatically.

It didn't bother me.

However when he told me he was looking for some exercise classes to join, I suggested he join karate with me. I've been going for a couple of years now and knew the people there would be kind to him. He was nervous as hell but came along tonight which was brave of him.

However, I'm afraid I saw him in a whole new light during the class and it really put me off. For one thing, the dramatic weight loss showed its negative consequences badly through the baggy clothes. Lots and lots of loose skin and flab all over from his arms, chest, stomach. It was a complete turn off and I DO try and be non--judgemental but it wasn't easy to ignore it. A few of the little kids were staring which I know is not nice at all but that's how noticable it was.

Apart from that, he just came across so unmanly couldn't manage more than two press-ups, flinched when the instructor demonstrated something on him, couldn't form a proper fist without being shown and he laughed along with the little kids during a demonstration which was just rude and stupid and really pissed off my instructor.

I KNOW I'm being shallow and mean but I feel totally turned off by him after tonight. I am not against over-weight people AT ALL. I have been overweight myself but it was an extreme. And to add a bit more venom to the bitchyness I seem to be showing right now, his clothes were also horrid. He was wearing a faded black dragon t-shirt, the kind a 'heavy metal' student would wear.

And I know this sounds awful but I was praying to god he wouldn't introduce himself as my partner/boyfriend at karate I was embarrassed.

So go on, am I a complete bitch now? I do feel horrible and upset by it all. I thought we had something but after tonight and all the negative thoughts in my head, I can't face the thought of even speaking to him again

OP posts:

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 21:51

Thanks for the replies, much kinder than I thought they'd be!

Reason I can't stand the thought of speaking to him again is that I have given the bloke so much false hope. He's really excited about it all, tells everyone I'm his girlfriend, says he's more determined then ever to lose more weight and its all because of me etc etc. I just don't know what I'm going to say.

It was only last night that we were discussing judgemental attitudes and I said I judged only on personality and he said I was the most amazing person he'd ever met. However, I now know I'm a complete fraud and just as judgemental as the next person. I'm going to upset him and I HATE upsetting people, especially good people who have never been anything but nice to me

(No, no shagging has occured ... to whoever asked lol)

OP posts:

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 21:52

after two weeks you don't owe him anything, and it would be kinder to do it sooner rather than later

turquoise · 27/03/2009 21:54

Not fancying him is perfectly reasonable.

But you have allowed him to arrange days out for your family, developed a friendship, so to say you can't face even speaking to him again because you were embarrassed by his appearance is indeed low.

Eyeballsinthesky · 27/03/2009 21:58

So you can say what you like about someone as long as you cover yourself by being honest? Great, must remember that one. No one is saying you should force yourself to fancy him or continue a relationship with him, of course not if you feel like that but you're not coming across very well. Poor sod must have had a rough old time and you can't even talk to him now. Let's hope he doesn't meet many other people like you then because, despite him making a huge effort to change, he's written off already. Poor poor man.

2rebecca · 27/03/2009 22:00

It sounds as though its all moved too quickly really. I must admit appearance and sexual attraction are important in a relationship for me, and I suspect most people, well those who enjoy the physical side of relationships are the same.
I would be turned off by flabby skin, although would probably find the giggling just as annoying. I must admit finding out someone had so little willpower that they'd had to have an operation to stop thyem absorbing so much food because they couldn't stop overeating would probably turn me off anyway. It's not just an antifat thing, people who can't stop gambling, overspending or drinking alcohol wouldn't last long either. I like to be able to respect my man.

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 22:01

I'd feel the same way as batman here. Obviously when you meet someone new you are hopeful, sometimes you just can't keep the hope going. For whatever reason. I was worried about this chap when I read about the guinea pig poem

ilovemydogandMrObama · 27/03/2009 22:02

pmsl re~: dumping someone for bad haircut

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/03/2009 22:03

i think your real "crime" is letting things move so quickly... you've only known him 2 weeks? so why has he met your dcs? why invite him into your life to the extent you have. a little more caution and patience might have avoided his imminent upset....

2rebecca · 27/03/2009 22:03

I think you have to talk to him again though. I'd go out with him again but just play it cool and not arrange to meet at the end of it. Trot out the usual cliches about not being quite right for each other, not being ready for a relationship etc. That's why people come out with such twaddle, it's kinder than the truth which is usually a variation on "I've stopped fancying you".

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/03/2009 22:03

sorry, meant to ask what's the guinea pig angle??

Molesworth · 27/03/2009 22:09

Aww come on, the OP isn't going to say this stuff to his face, and I'm sure she's not just going to cut him dead!

Sounds like it was more his lack of confidence/poor social skills than his physique that was offputting. It is a shame that things had moved so quickly, but he shouldn't have got his hopes up so quickly either. Two weeks is nothing!

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:09

No I didn't only meet him two weeks ago, I met him years ago and have 'passed' him many, many times before we actually spoke. He met my kids years ago too. I'd just never looked at him that way before until he started speaking to me one day.

OP posts:

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:10

The two weeks is from when we actually went out 'on a date' for the first time IYSWIM?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 22:18

I think it's quite possible that at least half of what has put you off him is his desperation for a partner (introducing you as his girlfriend, saying that you have changed his life). This is a bit offputting in anyone you are not consumed with lust/love for. And it's unfortunately quite easy to 'lead on' desperate people, because they tend to 'fall in love' with anyone who gives them the time of day, and while you think you are making friends and taking it slowly, they are already thinking of names for your future children.
I think your best bet is to tell him nicely that you are not ready for a relationship and then be 'busy' when he calls to arrange meetings. Hopefully you won't have to be harsh with him, but unfortunately you might have to if he doesn't take a hint. It's not your fault. You don't owe him a relationship.

spicemonster · 27/03/2009 22:27

Oh yes I agree with SGB - there is something really quite offputting about someone who appears really needy.

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 22:29

"It was only last night that we were discussing judgemental attitudes and I said I judged only on personality and he said I was the most amazing person he'd ever met. However, I now know I'm a complete fraud and just as judgemental as the next person."

aw no hun, I think that there is a BIG difference between not judging people on anything but personalitey when it comes to friends/colleagues/acquaintances, and judging people on how looking at them makes you feel when it comes to picking a sexual partner!

Not wanting a relationship with someone who you dont find attractive does not make you someone who goes around judging people on appearances. Unless you are one of those people who doesnt have fat friends etc I wouldnt worry.

Personally I would take the bit about you making him determined to loose weight as a massive red flag (if you hadnt gone off him already). It just screams emotional blackmail to me, like those people who tell people that their health or mental health will get worse if they dump them. "Dont leave me or all the hard work I did to loose weight will be undone and it'll be all your fault"

sundaywriter · 27/03/2009 22:30

he wrote an ode to her guinea pigs, is that right batman? Neeeeeedy

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:33

Yes he bought me a huge box of chocolates and inside put a little note in with pictures of guinea pigs. (I love guinea pigs).

I thought it was really sweet at the time and posted about it on here. However, thinking back, its not exactly normal behaviour is it?

OP posts:

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/03/2009 22:34

an ode? to bw's g-ps? really??
details pleeeeease.....

oh you are so fine with your beady eyes
when you squeak it takes me by suprise....

that sort of thing??
do share.

suwoo · 27/03/2009 22:35

I told you that Batmanswilly. The guinea pig note, was so not normal behaviour.

solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 22:36

He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a bit overwhelmingly desperate for a partner/affection (not necessarily sex, he sounds like the sort who would be terrified if anyone tried to seduce him).

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:36

You did. And at the time I just thought you were being grumpy but you were so right, its not normal.

OP posts:

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 22:37

I also agree with SGB
I know you are supposed to feel flattered, but I find if someone is OTT at the start I begin to feel embarrassed and irritated and even angry with them

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:37

sorry, that was to Suwoo

OP posts:

Original poster

BatmansWilly · 27/03/2009 22:39

oh shit, just remembered he's paid out a fortune on tickets to a show for April

OP posts:

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