I've been put off new partner and its for such a shallow, horrible reason. I feel guilty and mean

[BatmansWilly]

I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. He's a lovely person, bought me chocolates, offered to take my son to his astronomy club (don't ask!) arranged lots of nice days out for us all and I did like him.

He is a bit over weight (well, about 5 stone overweight) but he did tell me he used to weigh almost 30 stone and has lost the weight quickly, very quickly with the aid of an operation which restricted what he could eat dramatically.

It didn't bother me.

However when he told me he was looking for some exercise classes to join, I suggested he join karate with me. I've been going for a couple of years now and knew the people there would be kind to him. He was nervous as hell but came along tonight which was brave of him.

However, I'm afraid I saw him in a whole new light during the class and it really put me off. For one thing, the dramatic weight loss showed its negative consequences badly through the baggy clothes. Lots and lots of loose skin and flab all over from his arms, chest, stomach. It was a complete turn off and I DO try and be non--judgemental but it wasn't easy to ignore it. A few of the little kids were staring which I know is not nice at all but that's how noticable it was.

Apart from that, he just came across so unmanly couldn't manage more than two press-ups, flinched when the instructor demonstrated something on him, couldn't form a proper fist without being shown and he laughed along with the little kids during a demonstration which was just rude and stupid and really pissed off my instructor.

I KNOW I'm being shallow and mean but I feel totally turned off by him after tonight. I am not against over-weight people AT ALL. I have been overweight myself but it was an extreme. And to add a bit more venom to the bitchyness I seem to be showing right now, his clothes were also horrid. He was wearing a faded black dragon t-shirt, the kind a 'heavy metal' student would wear.

And I know this sounds awful but I was praying to god he wouldn't introduce himself as my partner/boyfriend at karate I was embarrassed.

So go on, am I a complete bitch now? I do feel horrible and upset by it all. I thought we had something but after tonight and all the negative thoughts in my head, I can't face the thought of even speaking to him again

Is it just me having deja vu?

?

??

Just keep telling yourself that it's Great to be single. Because it is. It's certainly a million times better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sorry but 'I thought we had something' doesn't sound like you making do. I just don't think you can treat people like that and I think you've said some horrible things about him. He obviously needs a bit of support, not the mickey taken. You might not fancy him but you don't have to be so cruel about it. I'm really disappointed by some of the responses on here. Anyway, as I'm in a minority here I'll bugger off and let you carry on taking the piss out of him. This kind of thing annoys the hell out of me.

Well, you've made me feel like shit. Thanks.

I've lost 11 stones. I have loose skin, flabby tummy. I'm so proud of myself for beating the gremlins that lurked in my head, and getting myself sorted and looking good in clothes...some of which are too big as I still have a bit to loose...

And you'd judge me on that? I'd be pathetic too at a martial arts class, and people like you are the reason why I daren't walk into an aerobics class because you'll look down your noses at me tryingto make an effort.

He is better off without you. And thank god my husband doesn't look at me the way you look at this poor bloke...my husband is absolutely chuffed to bits with my figure, loose/flabby skin and all.

well if you do not find a man reasonably physically attractive from the onset, I am not sure that this can work presuming the idea is a relationship that at some stage involves physical intimacy

sorry ilove, this was not an answer to you, I had only read the OP. As I understood it she just knew this man a couple of weeks and was considering seeing him as a potential man in her life, this is not the same as your situation

Trixy - they were not my threads. I can see the obvious similarities though.

Eyeballs, I'm not taking the piss out of him. I have said he is a lovely person but I can't help not being attracted to someone. I was just pointing out the reasons of why I have been put off him. Of course I would never say this stuff to him, I'm not that cruel.

ilove, no I wouldn't judge you on that, but I wouldn't fancy you either ... that's the point here. I have already said he is a lovely, good person and he has done great but I can't help the fact that I have been put off by what I saw on Friday night. And yes it is shallow but there is physical stuff about me too that would put people off. I can't help that and neither can they. Perhaps a lot of men would be put off by my stretchmarks?!? I'm sure they would. I would be.

No they were not mine, his wasn't a gastric band and he didn't discuss it over lunch!

and I did like him on the first date, just not in that way I suppose but I was hoping it would develop because I liked his personality so much.

Oh and he's put me off further today. I began chatting to me over MSN. I asked if he'd enjoyed the karate, he said he had.

He then said "I think I'm going to have to be a bit firmer with (DS2) in the future, if its ok with you" That would have put me off anyway if last night didn't so it's obviously not meant to be.

Sounds like he's been triple timing you anyhow - judging by those other threads

get rid.. seriously he should not be making you cringe at this stage in the relationship.. end of story! You should be lusting after him not feeling squemish..

Look, it's not going to work out between you so just tell him politely that you don't feel ready for a relationship (as someone else said, offer to pay him for the concert tickets if you can afford to).

I think take things more slowly next time. I find calling him a partner after 2 weeks a bit odd. To me that's a boyfriend and a partner is a more long term commmittment and usually someone you live with and see as effectively your spouse.

You have to end it asap, you can't force sexual attraction, i also think you need to be a bit more "boundaried" in future when you meet someone.

You're not as shallow as me BTW, I've dumped someone because of the noise they made when they were eating.

"I think I'm going to have to be a bit firmer with (DS2) in the future, if its ok with you"

ARRGH! another red flag for me there

that and the stuff about the link between his motivation to you

You say he's lovely but they do sound a little like the foundations being laid by someone who is quite controlling underneath

Even if you dont agree, in relation to not wanting to hurt him, if the spark isnt there now it'll only get worse and you'll end up dumping him eventually (you know you will really) so hurt him a little now or hurt him more in the future. Do it now - swift removal of the band-aid and all that.

And if he pulls any more cr@p about how his emotional and physical well being is linked to being with you (after such a short time) then that just proves that he's a wrong-un (yes even if he bought you nice gifts and arranged nice days out)

eyeballsinthesky and ilove you cant MAKE yourself feel tingly towards someone you dont. You cant force it. She's been honest on here about how he makes her feel but I get the impression from her posts that she wont be so blunt to his face and will probably let him down as nicely as she possibly can

bit firmer in what way and for what reason?

I admire your honest as you're only putting down what you think and can't say in RL.

Salbysea does have a point: it is possible that someone who presents as a needy inadequate loser is pretty controlling underneath. People who whine and cry and claim to be 'sensitive' and take offence a lot are like this: they guilt-trip others into giving them their own way and are in fact grim company and dreadful partners.

Honestly, you need to dump this bloke straightaway, because the longer it goes on, the more he will be worming his way in and working on you. You owe him nothing.

God I don't know why everyone is giving the OP a hard time, people are allowed not to want to fuck men for any reason whatsoever, however shallow, however "unreasonable". What makes this tiresome man entitled to the OP's time and attention, just because he wants it?

Dump him.

Well said, HBLB

i think if you dont fancy him you have the answer tell him let him find someone that can see behind the loose skin as there are some people that genuinely like someone from the inside and not looks and others that need more to be attracted to someone

if you dont fancy him let him down gently your not ready for a relationship etc im not sure why you have kept seeing him to be honest you had no real reason to and its slightly leaidng him on

he has done really really well and shouldn't fee his weight loss and skin has anything to do with it not working as some people do and will see past this and he will find someone who can make him really happy

were not all made to like the same things and some things will either turn us off or turn us on but if someone falls in love with who he is they will accept what underneath all that

i personally wouldnt be embarrassed by him but proud of how far his come but you have no other connection to make you feel that and if its not there its not there but to take the mickey out of such a great accomplishment would be cruel as god forbid life happens to us all and looks fade its really about whats under all that

if you ave no real connection then thats it there's your answer
why keep seeing him if you dont like him

I think it's possible that the OP has kept seeing the man because she (like a lot of women) has been socialised to be nice to men, and because he hasn't actually done anything wrong ie he hasn't beaten her up, raped her or stolen money. Sadly an awful lot of women kind of sleepwalk into crap unsatisfying relationships rather than 'hurt a man's feelings' ie point out to him that he isn;t entitled to a relationship with them just because he's desperate for one.
Given the additional pervasive pressure on everyone who isn't in a couple-relationship to form one as soon as possible, it's not that surprising that she's gone on more than one date with this man - but, Batmanswilly, it is time to put a stop to it. The sky will not fall on you. And if by any chance the man does become a nuisance, you would have every right to take legal action agaist him if necessary (ie if he won;t accept being dumped and starts to stalk you, call the police on his arse).