Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

I spend a lot of time on my own and at the moment not talking to anyone about the situation apart from him is not getting anywhere, the thoughts just go around and around in my head. I think I really need to talk to someone in RL, to give myself some clarity but don't know where to start.

Would love a hug.......

So many heartbreaking stories.

If I look back at my (limited) ex boyfriends, for whatever reason the relationship broke up, none of them were ever like this. It is so awful that the person who has treated me with the least respect sometimes, is the man who made the vows to protect and cherish me......

This is awful of me to bring this up. But on my final degree show night, (13 yrs ago). DH (then BF) got drunk, and ripped into all my friends work. When I try to defend or explain the work he went ballistic, very drunk and got really angry about me being disloyal, not really loving him, jealous rage about who I was being unfaithfull with and shouted at me. He kept shouting and shouting until I backed into a wall, my dress came undone and he called me names for showing myself.

He left the show. All my friends were there.

Our wedding had been organised and I was pregnant.

He was so so sorry.

Always so sorry.

Our relationship has been puctuated with incidents like this and I have learned a little to placate his jealous moods....

Once he threw a pile of ironing at me that I had done because I hadn't realised the ironing board was in his line of vision for the television....(we have a very small room)

Told me last year he would divorce me because i am mad....drunk again. He got angry earlier in the year....massively drunk and his son's girlfriend phoned so I passed the phone to him so someone would know.

His brother and nephew are diagnosed pscyzophrenics.(SP?) Don't know if there is a link.

Oh shit.

mitsubishi - going to see a counsellor helped me to see the woods for the trees...

if you think tehre is room to salvage something togetehr go to Relate. if he refuses to go, then please go on your own to relate counsellor or another - see your GP.

you DO need to talk in RL and best is an objective counsellor.

mitsubishiwarrioress for you. Please talk to someone. I am lucky in that I have a couple of friends who have been brilliant, one of whom very successfully escaped from a horrible marriage. I think she can see where I'm headed, but is so non judgemental and careful in what she says. I know from them I am not going mad, and it helps me rationalise his behaviour.

I also found Relate extremely helpful, and am about to arrange to go and see a private counsellor who recently helped another friend through a marriage break up.

You aren't alone. Please keep talking on here.

A lot of the books I read tell me that these men are like this because deep down they feel inferior and are terrified you will see this and leave them. I just don't think that is true at all. Mine seemed to despise me. My x seemed to constantly want to let me know that I was worth nothing to him, he seemed to be working to try to make me not think anything of myself either. Trying to make me feel I was not worth being loved, or worthy of as many rights within the family as he and the dc were.

I started college doing an Access course and it was fine for 6 weeks and then suddenly his work hours changed and I had to give it up. It seemed to me that there was only room for one achiever in the family and it wasn't going to be me. After I gave it up he told me he had never seen anyone with "so little maternal instinct" because I had apparently rushed off to college without a backward glance for dd. Anyway I was too stupid to retrain and selfish as well. None of the things I wanted to do fitted in with the family. I needed to get a little job that would fit in with the dc.

He seemed to be angry that I would try to think that I was as worth as much as him and took every opportunity to make me feel stupid. He used to say things like if I ever met anyone else he would never try to keep me because I wasn't worth it, it wouldn't even bother him. He said he would never leave because I was mad and would twist our children, he had to protect them from me. He said that I was obsessed with men and would put them first if I became a single mother and my children would be neglected.

I can't believe that so many of us are suffering this. I feel so f*cking angry that these men are behaving like this and so many of us spent so much time thinking it was our own fault and trying to fix it.

"I have been so lonely. had my point of view sneered at, my fear of confrontational situations scorned." That strikes a chord with me. I find it very difficult to make phone calls, I have suffered anxiety disorder for years and have the most awful panic attacks. I hate making phone calls and try to deal with things on line wherever possible. He told me that no wonder he had never committed 100% to a relationship with someone who was so pathetic they couldn't even make a phone call. How could he ever see me as an equal? This is the man who left me alone for weeks at a time with new born babies after C-sections (both times), who when he was there was usually so drunk he was incapable, never paid a bill so got us into tons of debt. Don't think I did too bad to keep a family going, looking after my children immaculately while hiding from them what was going on. Not that pathetic really.

Fleur,
He sounds like a classic narcissist. I posted a link in an earlier thread. I will try to find it if you like?

I was lucky enough to escape an emotionally abusive relationship 10 years ago, but have not spoken of it all until now, I guess this is my chance to unload.

I was in my early twenties and rebounded from one relationship straight into a relationship with this man. He was 12 years older than me and had a wife whom he was separated from and two young children.

He would have a visit from his wife and children and then I was not allowed to touch or speak to him for hours. He would also not look at me, even if I dared to speak to him, for hours after the event.

He would constantly imply that I was making things up, even when I could prove that he said/did these things I was still making it up just to make him look stupid.

He would moan and get angry if I went out with family or friends, my sister invited me and him to BIL restaurant for lunch on my birthday, but according to him that was just an attempt to make him feel foolish for some reason , nothing to do with them celebrating my birthday, of course.

He would constantly comment on how beautiful other woman were, how he would like to "F**k them", and how good their "tits" were, in front of me and quite often other people, and if I would get annoyed about this, apparently it was only a joke.

Reality something in your post made me all knot up inside - this ex also used to have sex with me in my sleep, and yet strangely at other times he was impotent. I would wake up and he would be on top of me, I was too scared to say anything. I am not going to call it rape, but it was very uncomfortable for me, and even now when my lovely dh tries to touch me in the middle of the night I feel an unbelievable rage and I just feel so sorry for him

He confused me into thinking that I was going a bit crazy, that I was the angry, deluded, uptight woman hell-bent on making his life bad.

All this at the tender age of 22.

Eventually I had had enough, after having a stern talk with myself, and I am very fortunate I did not have dcs with him.

Last time I heard he was convicted of fraud (he was also a gambler).

I am really sorry for all of you going through this - please try and remember that you are not the crazy/abusive/nagging one, and that there is life after these abusive men.

Just wanted to say, reading all these stories is so heartbreaking, but I'm really glad this thread is going now and you can all support each other.

((((HUGS)))) To all the mama's dealing with EA partners and the fallout from relationships with them.

Namechanging my ex is also 12 yrs older than me and was seperated from her when we met but living in the same house. His kids were 16, 17 and 5. She was so delighted to be rid of him she welcomed me with open arms. Oh how I would love to hear her side of the story now.

"I can't believe that so many of us are suffering this. I feel so f*cking angry that these men are behaving like this and so many of us spent so much time thinking it was our own fault and trying to fix it."

I agree. Am so so glad that people are getting support from this thread.

There's strength in numbers!

Many of your stories are a lot worse than mine and I'm amazed by the strength of some posters.

Need some advice so am tentaviley creeping back in....
Did anyone EA exes get WORSE when they finally left - we have actually ben seperated 2 and a half years, but I have DD2 15 months with him (conceived while we were split), but it is only the last 6 months or so that I have finally made a proper split, filed for divorce and tried to set some ground rules re my house, the DC, etc - I still financially support us all (him included), I also have NM of about 4months !

He says he doesnt care and is glad to be rid of me but TBh the abuse has escalated dramatically, he has become so unreasonable, irrational and harassing, and doesnt seem to care at all that the DC are the only ones getting hurt....of course it all me I am the nasty bully, the pathetic incompetent neglectful mother, the "f*king useless C*t"!
The harassing abusive calls and texts are getting worse, and some if his threats chilling

I DO have a very good solicitor but I am at my wits end, the solicitor sends letter after letter, his responds it what seems a reasonable manner and he just continues to act exactly as he pleases!

Am I heading for an injunction (he has been arrested and cautioned already), I have reported the harassment a couple of times but I do feel like they are getting fed up with me, I have been in contact with the domestic abuse liason, and social services, I just dont really know practically what to do - will he ever accept it is over or will he torture me and the DC forever, am I going to have to move away, what do I do

Macdoodle I am sure you have thought of this but can you change your number? Sorry probably not much use but all I can think of.

Actually the sleep deprivation thing is interesting. Obviously less critical for me as we don't have dc; but last night he woke me at 3 am "for a cuddle", I can't stand him to touch me at the moment, so I threw his arm off and said 'no', so he put his arm back, I threw it off saying 'no' repeat 3 times to make sure I'm absolutely awake. He then asks why not - I say 'I don't want a cuddle', he says but he does; I say its 3 am and I'm going back to sleep. So he turns over and seemingly goes straight back to sleep while I lie awake for hours. This morning I asked him why he woke me up, he says he didn't, I must have dreamt it, maybe he did it in his sleep. This is the third time in as many weeks.

I've always felt a bit guilty defining him as PA or even the situation as EA because I've always been sure that he doesn't actually do it on purpose or for his satisfaction. I thought he was just being lazy/thoughtless/tactless. Suddenly I'm not so sure.

Ditzzy make no mistake that IS abusive behaviour. He ignores you repeatedly, disrespects your boundaries then pretends it never happened. If you have not read the Lundy Bancroft book please do so, it will help clarify how you are feeling.

I have two children from I guess what you'd call a common law marriage that I left about 6 years ago. I say about because I'd been withdrawing from the relationship for some time before leaving. He began warm interesting and loving, but even before we set up home together the signs were there - too many to list really. One that sticks in my mind is when he supported his mother's decision not to give me a lift home (only three quarters of a mile out of her way) not a biggie, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and he felt it was more important that she give him a lift instead.

Five years later and friends who'd known me as confident and outgoing were shying away. I was isolated. He would refuse to touch me (hugs, casual brushes of hands, sex) because I wasn't behaving as he would have liked. I worked but if I spent any of my money without consulting him he would be furious, he on the other sold a flat for tens of thousands under market value to a friend...

I finally figured out that I was lonelier than I had ever been in my life. I could not be lonelier without him and indeed I would at least have the hope of finding someone new. So I found myself in a shop selling TVs - I wasn't allowed one. He'd threatened to leave if I bought one (we had two children by then) I spent the entire day in town revisitng every television shop building up the courage to buy one. It was only when I realised that I was too frightened to that I actually did it. He didn't leave he just got a little meaner. But the worm had turned so he had to get as mean as shoving me hard against a wall in front of the kids.

I don't like bullies, I finally realised he was a bully. I warned him if he ever did it again he would be out. His response was that in that case I shouldn't provoke him. He tried to do it again a couple of weeks later. I got right in his face, I was so angry. I told him to hit me, not fuck around just hit me. I also told him he'd have the police on his arse so fast so fucking heavy and forget about seeing his kids ever again. God knows where I had been all those years but I was back! I threw him out there and then. Over the next couple of years the furniture that was his that I didn't like (the cheap rubbish he allowed me to have in the house) I burnt - bonfires with friends and wine.

Phew, sorry probably too long. I'm very happily married now. It's a marriage of equals who both care for and support each other. He's come from an abusive relationship as I now realise, have I (yes, it happens to men). It took him over a year to relax about seeing women on telly (he would be screamed at and accused of having affairs - with Amanda Lamb!) We laugh about that now, but turn the genders around....

I'll shut up now

reality My DH also left with her bills, still paying off a loan she took out in their name. The saddest thing is she refuses to let him see their now 4 year old daughter - it's a very sad but classic story of his daughter being used as a weapon against him.

The cruelty continues...

Namechanged for this

There are some very sad stories here - it amazes me how many bstrds there are out there!

I was very interested in the point that several made about men who behave like this being "insecure". Some of the stories on here very much remind me of my DH (who is 11 yo than me, and has 2 exs and 2 grown up dds - common thread) - but how he USED to be rather than how he is now.

I've known him 20 years, and we got together about 9 years ago. Our relationship used to be very tempestuous, and he demonstrated many of the behaviours mentioned here - putting me down, kicking off about stupid things, twisting things/denying things when we had an argument so that I used to get so furious and throw things at him, then telling me I was mad, a drunkard, a this, a that etc. He was ALWAYS right, and if I didn't agree I was either stupid or mad. He never apologised either. I got so fed up, I actually threw him out twice.

The circumstances at the time were that he was living in my house, and had a temporary job. I was the main wage earner by far. I suppose it could be said I held his financial security in my hands - to take it to an extreme - without me, he had nothing.

Things changed though. His job got made permanent, he started earning more money. Then I got PG, and we got married. We sold my house and got our own place. He got promoted.

His behaviour is now totally different. He is a very hands on dad, he helps round the house and we very rarely argue. I think he still thinks of himself as being "superior" to me, and occasionally I'm still "mad etc etc" if I lose my temper. But generally he nice to me, and supportive of me. He's happy for me to have friends and outside interests (though he does have issues about my family) I still have little niggles sometimes, but my experience is nothing like some of you have to/have put up with. He's even said "sorry" once or twice.

So, I wonder, was it maybe insecurity on his part that has now gone, due to the relationship now being more "balanced"? Is it because he realised that I would not put up with certain behaviour - and was in a position to act on that in the past? Whatever the cause, I think I was probably lucky in the way circumstances went, because I did/do love him madly and for example always took him back. And I wonder if he will change again, say when he retires 11 years before me, and the "balance" changes again.....

This sounds daft but its quite a big issue for me . Do these idiots go on to abuse other partners, have they abused other partners in the past?

I constantly tell myself it wasnt my fault, i didnt deserve it or cause it, but if my ex treats his next partner properly,,maybe it was me in some way ?

Reality, I'm not sure which is the "real him". I know my DH told me his last ex described him as an inhuman beast. I would never go that far, but he has had his moments. Both ex's kicked him out and restricted access to the children. He has had no contact with his eldest dd since she was a baby. He used to have problems with drugs. In fact, if I met him now and knew all this, I would run for the hills.

Strangely, I'd known him a long time before we got together and I could never tie the person that had done all this, with the guy that I knew. He was always great fun, life and soul of the party type. He still is like that, and is well liked and respected by people at work.

Indoors though, he is quiet, sometimes moody, tends to internalise things that he's worried about. He would quite happily sit on the PC all day and not socialise/go shopping/do family activities, though he will if pushed. Usually these days if we argue, it is about this, or the fact that when pushed to do something he goes about with a grumpy expression, which usually takes any fun out of the activity for me. He always appears to be in a hurry to get home.

If I suggest that we get a babysitter and go out, he'll go along with it. He has never, ever managed to organise a night out for us himself though. If on the other hand, there is a work function, or it is someone from work's bday/wedding/bbq, he is dead keen. Only occasionally do these invites seem to extend to me though. In fact i was most pissed of on my birthday one year, as his boss had organised a do for his own birthday, and that took priority.

Sorry - I'm digressing a bit. I think really he is less insecure now, because he now has the status he sees as his due. He makes a big effort to maintain the successful image that others have of him. He makes a lot less effort with me. Almost like I play second fiddle to his job. He's IMPORTANT there. We're suffering the credit crunch a bit like everyone else, but he is more concerned with keeping up with the "trappings" so to speak. We have a huge credit card bill for this reason.

This thread has really made me think a lot, so sorry for going on a bit. I think I have it really lucky compared to most of you, but there are so many things that resonate with me here.

LucyJordan - your DH sounds so like my ex - he was so warm and full of life in company with other people, but when it was just us he would just shut down. He liked to have me there a lot when he didn't want to engage with me - just watching TV or playing computer games, I would be so bored and depressed and lonely but I was not allowed to go off and do something to occupy myself.
He didn't like touching or sex much, I thought, but it gradually dawned on me that he didn't like me to like it. He liked porn and he wanted to do porny things to me. He was often impotent with me but would get turned on easily when watching even mildly sexy things on telly. Telly was realer to him than life, porn was realer to him than sex, magazines were realer to him than conversation.

Whether he could change? - I don't know. I don't think he has had a serious relationship since we broke up. He had a lot oof friends but now everyone has grown up, (many have kids) and they all drink and party less I think he is quite isolated as they were quite bar-based friendships. I think he could change if he could heal enough to bring the warm part of his personality to the front, become strong and confident enough to be him more and the twisted, paranoid, power conscious guy, crazed with some kind of all-dominating emotional hunger, less. But a relationship with a woman could not do that because he has automatic fear of /contempt for the woman he is in a relationship with so he could not allow her to influence him in such a significant way.
We were "friends" after we broke up because I didn't have the guts to move on properly although I didn't want him anywhere near me. he asked me (after a decent interval) to put a word in with a woman acquaintance of mine he fancied. I realised I could not in any good conscience encourage any woman to get involved with him. I felt sick at the thought of him doing things to this other woman whom I liked. This made me think about what he had done to me. It also made me question the friendship. I don't see him any more.

I know my ex was abusive previously in a short term relationship . My counseller says they do not change, thats its part of his charecter and thats that. The fact that he is now chasing a woman who has been severeley physicly abused by her partner leads me to beleive that he is looking for someone who he can bully and dominate again.

I dont doubt ill be on the receiving end of nasty emails from his new partner as he is excellant at pitting people against each other and always plays the helpless victim.He has held a grudge about a woman who dumped in him his teens and bitched about her for nearly 20 years!

I was quite vulnerable when i met him, i wonder if thats a common theme with these losers.?

Agree with the poster about being on the pc, watching tv yet wanting her company despite not engaging.I spent lots of loneley years sat here while he entertained himself on the pc ect,, if i dared to go off and entertain myself id be accused of not loving him !
If i went upstairs to chat to a freind on the phone hed suddenly apear and sit and listen in,, or worse, start chipping in until i gave in and gave him my full attention.

And sex,, they dont have sex, they dont make love, they just do things to you.

Anyway, im skint, moving out of my loveley home , i dont give a shit, i wake up every day glad that i dont have to put up with his vile shit anymore !
Good riddance to his fat stinky arse !