Am I just being petty?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I asked H to move out a couple of weeks ago. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with dc3.

H has been depressed for the last 18 months. He's been having counselling for a year and is on 40mg Citalopram.

He has been diagnosed as Passive Aggressive and has been emotionally abusive towards me for over a year.

My family and friends are very supportive, but all are a long way away. Lately I have had a few comments along the lines of "It's really hard sometimes to see why things are so bad when all the things he does are so small and petty" this is always followed by a disclaimer saying "of course I know things are that bad, but when I think about what you've said later on it just doesn't seem such an issue".

So I'm beginning to worry that maybe I am blowing it out of all proportion.

I have supported him completely (and alone apart from medical professionals) for 18 months. In that time he has blamed me for all his problems on a regular basis, told me not to be sad or cry around him (and by around him I mean hiding in the bathroom where he overheard) because I am making him feel bad and am holding back his progress, has completely emotionally neglected me whilst expecting 100% comfort (which I have given, and has been verbally aggressive and nasty on a regular basis whenever he feels angry or frustrated by anything.

His PA means that he offers the world and delivers only excuses. His current thing is to blame his behaviour on the PA, so that he is not responsible for it.

He has stopped taking his medication on occasion (without telling me or his GP or counsellor).

He knows my history of MC and the fact that I was terrified in early pregnancy, and deliberately avoided supporting me or being there for scans. I was also banned from crying and expected to support him and let him be angry with me - which I was not strong enough to do at the time, but did

He told me he wanted me to only be happy around him and that he was happy to help with practical issues in the home but couldn't cope with my developing depression (although I still had to deal with his and was still offering him comfort). Basically he wants a family with none of the emotional responsibility of it. He would sit and get angry with me while I cried.

He lies constantly and casually and has to be prompted to do everything. His depression has not affected his job at all and he is successful in his career.

So much of what he does is so petty - lying about small things which he will definitely be caught out for.

Since he moved out 2 weeks ago (and the point of him moving out was to break the patterns of behaviour we were stuck in and give me some space to get ready for dc3 without his constant draining) he has been behaving like a teenager and avoiding his issues completely. He promised he would put everything into fixing his marriage, he swears he loves me and promises the world (but can't even talk to me when I'm sad), but instead he lied to me about going out (started off saying he wasn't doing anything, then that some mates had arranged to go out for a drink and he went too, then revealed he had arranged a birthday party for himself as he hadn't had one a month ago). He has problems with alcohol (not to mention being on meds) and made me a promise 9 months ago after he was verbally abusive to me and humiliated me in front of all his friends, to never drink more than 2 drinks in a night. This promise he has kept (even when under enormous social pressure) and I was so proud of him for keeping it; until Friday. When he not only got drunk, but planned to get drunk while sober and made arrangements to get home etc.

It seems such a small thing to base breaking a marriage up on, but that promise was the only real thing he has done in the last year to prove he still loves and respects me (his words can't be trusted)

This is not the man I married. This man is selfish and nasty and thinks of nobody but himself. He is completely unwilling to take responsibility for his actions and is still trying to blame me for everything.

I'm starting to really hate him. And I can't cope with being told I am petty on top of it

Unless of course it is true, and I am being petty... in which case I do need to know.

I love him and want my best friend back. I still hope he'll wake up one day and that self-pitying leech will be gone. I am so angry with him now. Feel like I've wasted 10 years.

You don't need anybody else's permission to do what's right for you.

I left an awful man, and I'm sure nobody but me coudl ever really realise how every little thing he did or didn't do for so long undermined me and demoralised me.

Don't make the mistake I made. Don't try to make your life 'look right from the outside'. Make it right, properly right, starting with the reality.

It's not for other people to judge what you find unbearable. You know what you can live with. You have the right to call it a day.

If you have posted before with another name, I replied to you under another name also! So hello again.

I really hope that you start again afresh. You don't have to cut him out of your life. Nobody has the right to judge you for knowing that life will be easier without this self-pitying albatross around your neck.

I only have two children but being a single mother of two is a walk in the park compared with being a mother of two supposedly a family, but walking a tightrope every day. My problems were different, btu the end result the same, life is easier without a liability!

I don't think you sound petty at all.

from the way you describe him it sounds as if your h has a personality disorder (described in his case as being passive aggressive.) In his case he is is sabotaging the treatment that is being offered (e.g. stopping medication) and is managing to hold things together at work which means all of the nastiness is towards you. He also has alcohol problems which makes your situation even worse.

This man is emotionally abusive and playing mind games with you. Part of the "cleverness" of it is that everyone around you can't work out why you have a problem with him.

I feel very for you and wish you strength to get through this and rl friends who are supportive rather than judging you on their perceptions of him.

Well it sounds to me like you are not only NOT being petty, but have been a saint to put up with this for so long! I can't give much advice as know little about such things, but well done for standing up to him now, and please continue to be so strong - it sounds like it's (more than) time to consider your needs, and your children's, instead of his for a change.

If you get any more such comments from your friends/family, why not send them something like you have posted here to help them understand? That said, I don't think they mean it badly, they are just having trouble understanding as from the outside they probably weren't aware of all the things that you mentioned going on. And I don't think they actually meant you were being petty, I think they meant HIM by that!

Whatever you decide to do about him, I hope things get better for you now; you deserve some happiness too.

Thank you, that means a lot. I know that part of the problem is that because he is "passive" he comes across as the laid back one, while I'm the bossy domineering one

I know they mean well but it's upsetting after the number of times he's accused me of lying (apparently to try to hold him back from getting better ), I really need to be believed.

It should be enough just to know that I'm not petty, but my self-esteem is so low right now that I need reassurance

Margot, your postive story is really good to hear. I am scared of being alone, but already relieved not to have to carry him. I just wish he didn't still affect me so much.

depression is such a hard thing not only for the sufferer but the close friends and family who are suffering too. my DP suffers terrible with depression and he too stops taking tablets and has the excuse of "they're not doing anything" i ve had verble abuse off him etc and tbh it would be a lot easier if it was one big thing than the little "petty" issues. its the odd thing here and there that mounts up on top of you rather than something you can have a huge row about.
i ve been close to walking out, part of me feels maybe a shock to the system would sort him out and part of me feels that maybe its me and not him with the issues. if i had the confidence to leave then i would, i think the space is good and gives you time to think about what you had / got and maybe if your anything like me to start again like when you first met eg not living together but maybe going out for day trips etc with the children?? its easier said than done of corse and im not 34wks pregnant, so i really do feel for you and only wish i could help and advise you, all i can say is look in your heart (i know it sounds corney) and just do what you feel is right for your children and importantly yourself before you get too dragged down by it all,

hope it works out for you,

big hugs x x x

you say , "He told me he wanted me to only be happy around him and that he was happy to help with practical issues in the home but couldn't cope with my developing depression (although I still had to deal with his and was still offering him comfort). Basically he wants a family with none of the emotional responsibility of it. He would sit and get angry with me while I cried."

and

'In that time he has blamed me for all his problems on a regular basis, told me not to be sad or cry around him (and by around him I mean hiding in the bathroom where he overheard) because I am making him feel bad and am holding back his progress, has completely emotionally neglected me whilst expecting 100% comfort'

that is awful and shocking

that is not petty, that is so far from petty

the thing is, you can;t make him well by acting or behaving in a certain way, or by protecting him from your sadness or other emotions.. you simply make yourself sad, unwell and depressed, withouth the fall back of a loving supportive partner

for me, regardless of anything else he had done or other ways he had behaved, would be enough to consider ending a relationship

he wants someone to give him 100 % support and agreement and make his life lovely and rsy and happy, and sod everyone else

that is not real life

please don;t berate yourself

Thanks baby. It's hard because I want to support him through his illness. But his unwillingness to take any responsibility, and to blame all his behaviour on "the illness" or "the PA" or "the fact that he is a terrible person", is impossible to keep being around. It doesn't matter how many times I and his counsellor point out that it's his "choices" that are the problem and not "him" per se, he will still always choose the selfish, easy option. He clearly cannot do it with my support (I think it enabled him to indulge his illness rather than get better) so now is his chance to deal with his problems and face the reality of his choices.

I'm now seeing a counsellor for my own depression, which I hope will help me get through the next few months.

I am pleased that you have the support of a counsellor for yourself.

I wonder if various friends/relatives are only aware of his depression, and not really so aware of the personality issues/pa (which are, as you are well aware, massively different to depression by itself)

See if they think he is depressed, and then he tell lies about you and how unsupportive you are, they possibly think (wrongly) that you are very harsh and callous, which is far from the case.

Having said that, unless friends and family are particularly close, you don't have to justify yourself to them or try and convince them that you are in the right. If people are inappropriately (i.e. against your wishes) trying to advise you or pass judgment, you don't have to respond. I would perhaps say something like "well there is a lot more to it, but it is very personal to h and I and I am not in a position to discuss it and it is too distressing to talk any more)

btw I am a mental health nurse fwiw.

Lulumama you have just made me cry. That is exactly what he wants (he has even said it in those terms).

I'm worried about just how deluded he is regarding what a marriage "should be". He hasn't told anyone in the area that he is no longer living at home (all those people at the b'day party think he's a devoted husband), he even said that if this was what being apart is like then he can cope with it (no consideration for the dcs and their feelings, no acceptance of the fact I am currently letting him see them daily - to reduce the impact on them - and that's not feasible in the long term, or the fact that the only reason I live in this area is him and that I would have to move away to get some RL support )

im glad you have have the courage to get the help and speak to a counsellor i wish i had that confidence. people with depression will always blame other people tho, i always blame my MIL (who is actually a cow btw) but you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, as long as you are getting the help you need (which is good for you and children) then all you can do is be there for your DH when he realizes that he does need you. good luck with new baby btw, i really do hope it all works out for you. (you ll have to give me the secret of how to get the confidence to take controll of life!! )

x x x

Sorry to be harsh but this man is an outright liar. I really feel for you. As your dcs grow older he may try and involve them in these awful mind games.

i'm sorry i thikn that living with someone with mental health issues is hard enough, but when they start using it as a stick to beat you with and refuse to take or carry through steps to help themselves, it becomes almost impossible

i am sorry, if what i said has made you upset, but then perhaps you can see that oyu aren;t being petty and you can;t live like this and people who aren;t seeing the bigger picture have no business telling you it is not enough for you to break up over

i do agree with you one piece of creme egg

Thanks onepiece - I have told them about his personality issues but it is really difficult to explain (and as you know PA is such a cumulation of event and factors that each individual thing looks so small on its own, so I get a lot of "Everyone fibs sometimes/is late sometimes/forgets to do things sometimes/is irresponsible sometimes" and I feel like I'm just repeating "Yes I know, but not all the time!", all the time.

I don't have to justify myself, but I still do and I can't seem to stop right now.

The worse thing is that all the normal things that you would say to someone going through a break up, such as "Of course it's not just your fault" or "Don't blame yourself" or "Things will get better", if they're said to him his PA turns them into "it's all her fault" "I don't need to try to fix things, I'll be happy without her" "I mustn't take responsiblity for anything". And then he gets angry with me for not being the perfect wife

yeah lulumama i agree, no knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors and with them not seeing the whole of it they shouldnt comment. little "petty" things each day just keep mounting up and mounnting up to breaking point. it must be really awful especially being pregnant aswell, not only is the "big day" arriving soon but the unecessary stress is just plain cruel and awful. its like mental abuse.

Yes it is very difficult to explain and even to understand. (even as a professional it is sometimes shocking to hear about some client's behaviours tbh.)

I wish I could offer more words of support and advice. Do you have a good relationship with your counsellor?

Thanks onepiece and hedgewitch - I think I need harsh. I'm still trying to judge him by the man he used to be and not the man he is

Off to the MW now but I will check back later. I really really appreciate all the support. I don't think I can quite get across how much MN has helped me through all this.

We've only had one session so far one piece, but she was lovely and so supportive.

She told me I had a right to feel everything I was feeling (which is the first time I've really heard that - having had dh convince me my feelings are less important and in some way wrong) and that we would work on my self-esteem and staying strong. I really like her a lot.

Good, I am really pleased that the counsellor understands.

Right, back from MW. Baby is fine and growing well so that's good news.

Lulu you made me cry in a good way.

Baby I don't feel strong, if it wasn't for the baby I think I'd still be letting him blame me and punish me for his feelings. But he can't be my priority and my dcs deserve a mum who is well and happy. Funnily enough I went online to look up emotional abuse recently and it ticked most of the boxes - definitely the emotional neglect box. It was a bit of an eyeopener. I really hope you get some support. It is out there. Please talk to your GP.

Hedgewitch I wish I'd stopped trying to help a little bit sooner when I had a bit more energy. You talk a lot of sense

Oh and Inigo if I told you my H was the 6 fingered man could you sort him out for me please?

Shall go and sharpen my sword right away Ma'am!

Thank you

I think the hardest thing is separating my self-worth from him. I just keep going over and over it in my head, he says he loves me and would do anything for me, but he's throwing us all away so easily and so casually. Is there anything that I can do to help rationalise all this?