Am I just being petty?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I asked H to move out a couple of weeks ago. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with dc3.

H has been depressed for the last 18 months. He's been having counselling for a year and is on 40mg Citalopram.

He has been diagnosed as Passive Aggressive and has been emotionally abusive towards me for over a year.

My family and friends are very supportive, but all are a long way away. Lately I have had a few comments along the lines of "It's really hard sometimes to see why things are so bad when all the things he does are so small and petty" this is always followed by a disclaimer saying "of course I know things are that bad, but when I think about what you've said later on it just doesn't seem such an issue".

So I'm beginning to worry that maybe I am blowing it out of all proportion.

I have supported him completely (and alone apart from medical professionals) for 18 months. In that time he has blamed me for all his problems on a regular basis, told me not to be sad or cry around him (and by around him I mean hiding in the bathroom where he overheard) because I am making him feel bad and am holding back his progress, has completely emotionally neglected me whilst expecting 100% comfort (which I have given, and has been verbally aggressive and nasty on a regular basis whenever he feels angry or frustrated by anything.

His PA means that he offers the world and delivers only excuses. His current thing is to blame his behaviour on the PA, so that he is not responsible for it.

He has stopped taking his medication on occasion (without telling me or his GP or counsellor).

He knows my history of MC and the fact that I was terrified in early pregnancy, and deliberately avoided supporting me or being there for scans. I was also banned from crying and expected to support him and let him be angry with me - which I was not strong enough to do at the time, but did

He told me he wanted me to only be happy around him and that he was happy to help with practical issues in the home but couldn't cope with my developing depression (although I still had to deal with his and was still offering him comfort). Basically he wants a family with none of the emotional responsibility of it. He would sit and get angry with me while I cried.

He lies constantly and casually and has to be prompted to do everything. His depression has not affected his job at all and he is successful in his career.

So much of what he does is so petty - lying about small things which he will definitely be caught out for.

Since he moved out 2 weeks ago (and the point of him moving out was to break the patterns of behaviour we were stuck in and give me some space to get ready for dc3 without his constant draining) he has been behaving like a teenager and avoiding his issues completely. He promised he would put everything into fixing his marriage, he swears he loves me and promises the world (but can't even talk to me when I'm sad), but instead he lied to me about going out (started off saying he wasn't doing anything, then that some mates had arranged to go out for a drink and he went too, then revealed he had arranged a birthday party for himself as he hadn't had one a month ago). He has problems with alcohol (not to mention being on meds) and made me a promise 9 months ago after he was verbally abusive to me and humiliated me in front of all his friends, to never drink more than 2 drinks in a night. This promise he has kept (even when under enormous social pressure) and I was so proud of him for keeping it; until Friday. When he not only got drunk, but planned to get drunk while sober and made arrangements to get home etc.

It seems such a small thing to base breaking a marriage up on, but that promise was the only real thing he has done in the last year to prove he still loves and respects me (his words can't be trusted)

This is not the man I married. This man is selfish and nasty and thinks of nobody but himself. He is completely unwilling to take responsibility for his actions and is still trying to blame me for everything.

I'm starting to really hate him. And I can't cope with being told I am petty on top of it

Unless of course it is true, and I am being petty... in which case I do need to know.

I love him and want my best friend back. I still hope he'll wake up one day and that self-pitying leech will be gone. I am so angry with him now. Feel like I've wasted 10 years.

CV - hijack away Glad to hear you're moving on. My H was lovely to me the week before he moved out. Until the day before when he came and told me he had been talking to ds1 and ds1 was worried about being alone with me because I get angry. Luckily I was aware of what he was doing and had, had a lot of conversations with ds1 about it all so knew he was lying. But I was so upset that he would use the one thing I had left - my relationship with the dcs - to hurt me.

Margot it is so hard when nobody else ever sees anything but this laid-back devoted husband and father. No one but me has ever seen H angry (and that's not an exaggeration), so people find it so hard to imagine him being scary.

Glad to hear that you're still leaving cheerful. You're getting on well because you're not trying to resolve any issues because you know it's not worth it now! You're in a put up and shut up phase as I used to privately call it. I used to 'get on' wiht my x in those phases too. when all the fight was gone out of me.

Glad to hear that your friendx (as opposed to the x2b)is on hand to help out.

Anyway, I must go now. St Patrick's day an all that. Taking the children to see the parade in my twon. And then juice/coffee!

Dreadpirate - thank you for the support. Yes there is definitely the feeling that "if he did just cross that line it would all be so simple". I like the "death of a thousand cuts" analogy a lot.

H never criticised me as such. He tells me I'm beautiful (and he's not good enough for me), I'm clever (and he's so stupid), doesn't criticise my housekeeping, even when it leaves a lot to be desired. In so many ways he seems to treat me as this holy figure that he is not worthy to be around (cue more self-pity).

But emotionally he cannot give of himself. I gave him the task one week of not leaving me alone - to make sure he was physically there for as much time as was possible, because I was really struggling - that's it. No complex instructions, no huge demands. Just don't leave me alone.

He spent a total of 2 hours with me over 5 days. An hour and a half of which was spent discussing his counselling session

When I asked him why his reply was "It's too hard being around you, I only want to be around you when you're laughing"

So that was my fault too.

Margot have fun!

Youknow - glad you like it! It helped me to think that way, along with the constant internal repetition 'I am not insane, I am not insane'

The more you say, the more horrible it all/he sounds. I'm not much of a hugger, but would a 'pecker up' and a shoulder squeeze help?

I'm not the hugging type either, but will accept a manly pat on the back

Does he really sound that bad?

Whenever I start getting it down it just doesn't seem so important.

Well I'm guessing that the 2 hours over 5 days was less time than he would have been around ordinarily, and that because you'd raised the subject he told himself he was making an effort [arse]. Why not keep a diary? Put down some of the incidents, and add to it as things come up - each individual incident might seem small, but as it mounts up you can see the pattern in black and white (and reassure yourself that you're not exaggerating or making things up). The whole 'I am not worthy of you' thing must be incredibly hard to cope with, because it's the sort of thing we're raised to hope for. But in this case, it's true. He isn't worthy of you, and has no right to make you responsible for his well-being.

Emotional abuse by a partner is called domestic abuse and it is a bad thing - very bad.

I think you have been immensely brave so far and I hope you can keep going, many women couldn't have done what you have and I respect and salute you for it.

Look after yourself and your baby, that is vitally important.

ps any chance you could move back nearer home, family and friends?

dreadpirate I definitely need some distance and perspective

choochoo, I certainly have no reason to stay here in the long term. Once things have settled with the baby I will move. I don't want to move ds from school mid-term unless I have no other choice. I want him to enjoy year 6 as much as he can.

But if things get too hard I will move sooner. I will keep going - I have to, too many lovely little people to do it for

Ow!

Oops sorry, don't know my own strength.

Delete away . Thank you for the reassurances. I don't have a huge number of ties here as we only moved here a couple of years ago for H's work. So that is something. I've always found it hard being so far away from my close friends and we are very geographically isolated here.

So my mission for now is to stop connecting with him and getting drawn into his petty little dramas, and to plan a future for my new little family that is in independent of his draining.

Dont want to move away from my nice counsellor though

go girl!

(OR I could just say the words and then hide under my duvet until it all goes away)

[storms in and rips off duvet]

Manly pat on back and virtual bar of chocolate offered. Is your baby a boy or a girl?1 do you know!?

Looking like a girl, which will be a whole new experience for me and my 2 lovely boys (Although I'm never convinced by scans, and would be equally happy with another lovely boy)

I just hope she turns out to be a jump-in-the-mud type - although I'm not sure she'll have an option, it might be a case of jump in, or be thrown in

Thank you for your clever distraction techniques

Oh girls are lovely and it'll be a good few years before she can wreck your head!!

I have one of each and it is nice being able to know what people are talking about. Just that really. Being able to join in conversations about Thomas the Tank engine and High School Musical or whatever my dd is into. I don't know maybe it's top secret this week

More distraction techniques here, but i usen't to feel like a proper ballet mum because I had one of each. all the proper ballet mums only had girls ha ha! my rumbunctious little tyke used look like a thickset miniaturised rugger bugger beside all these spindly legged pink legged younger siblings.

don't think I'd ever make a good ballet mum, I'm far too likely to giggle at tutus rather than take them seriously (as one should!)

Dreading my Relate session on Thursday now. I think I might take a print out of that definition of PA and if the counsellor starts reinforcing him again just hand it to her to explain my reluctance to believe a word out of his mouth.

Argh! I don't want to give up on what we had. But we don't have it anymore so...

Must stop thinking - focusing on pink tutus as we speak

Do you have to go to counselling together/?

I wouldn't bother. You're falling into a trap here, you need your counsellor's approval, your counsellor's understanding.

I completely understand this. I went through this.

But it won't get you anywhere. You get to draw your own line under this. You have made the call to end it.

it's enough to know yourself that he's a PA. You can't force or make the counsellor 'see' your perspective. They might. They might not. It doesn't matter though.

Why put yourself through that Kangaroo court? That is another drain on your internal resource of strength.

You go for counselling on your own. Get a counsellor to give you the confidence NOT to need approval to leave, start again, be yourself, be independent, and to... not care very much what your x is thinking or doing or saying.

I think I will go this time. I'm feeling quite determined and it could be a really good forum to get across that it's over. If it turns out to be one more drain and waste of time, then so be it, I will cope; but I need to feel as though I have done everything I can - for my own peace of mind. I do feel strong enough to do this and see it through. What is one more hour of emotional drain?

You're right, just practise beforehand not been drawn into long analyses of him and how you cope with him being him etc etc!

Say quite clearly "I want a life without x".

The counsellor can't really argue with that. Say it over and over again. "I want a life without him".

mx

I will.

"I want a life without x. I am going to put the dcs and my unborn baby first, which means not getting drawn into petty dramas with x. I need to focus on my own needs without distraction. I want a life without x"

How's that?

Good. very good.!!

And remember it is NOT an unreasonable thing to say. People end relationships every day of the week for less.

You were not put on earth to prop us this guy. You don't owe him your life.

Repeat this as often as you can before Thursday!

"I want a life without x. I am going to put the dcs and my unborn baby first, which means not getting drawn into petty dramas with x. I need to focus on my own needs without distraction. I want a life without x"