*Is long term cohabitation just commitment phobia?*

[Wonderpet]

How many women kid themselves that they are ok with 'living together' when secretly, they view marriage a sign of commitment, but they don't feel they can ask their man to marry them? Or am I the only one that thinks this way?

Are you married?

DP and I will know each other for the rest of our lives now DD is here. Much bigger commitment than a day in a church, a disco and a fancy frock imo.

I've been married.

dp has been married.

We've both had our day in church (well, his was in a registry office, but ykwim)

Our children are a much bigger commitment than an actual marriage certificate.

Sometimes I wish we were married, but generally when I get fed up of people calling our children by my name (which is the name of my ex husband as I never reverted back to my maiden name) or when I realise the toaster's broken again and if we had a wedding we'd get loads as presents

A marriage is not a day in a church, a disco or a fancy frock - it's a heck of a lot more than that. A child means you are commited to the child, not necessarily to each other.

a marriage is not a day in church - that is a wedding

some people don't look beyond that though

Everyone's circumstances are different, but to answer the OP, yes I think the same. Besides it should be the man doing the asking! [old fashioned emoticon]

OK I was being flippant. But I have made a private, life-long commitment to DP. I don't see why this shows commitment phobia. Marriage is great for some people, just not for me. Doesn't mean I am incapable of committing to anyone or anything.

Agggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

My "unmarried" relationship has outlived all - and I mean all - the relationships of our contemporaries. My brother has been married 3 times in the time dp and I have been together. No. Living together is NOT some sort of sub-marriage for women who can't get men to marry them. That is insulting to both women and men. It is an active choice taken by 2 adults who see no reason to make a public display of their relationship and have no religious beliefs that make marriage essential for them.

If you have children with a partner, that is a commitment in itself. But if you are living together without DC it's slightly different.

Dh and I lived together for 6.5 years before I finally told him I was ready to get married. He'd been making noises for years, but I wasn't up for it - not that I was commitment-phobic, just that I couldn't get my head around that kind of responsibility. Then one day I woke up and it clicked. We married a few months later and it's still going nicely with 1 and a bit dc's, but I couldn't have even considered them before I was well and truly ready, iyswim.

I have a friend who has been with her DP for 7 years, they have 2 children together and own a house together. They got engaged, then bought a house then had a child, but somewhere along the lines 'forgot' to get married.

She would like to get married now, he says they can't afford it (because to them a wedding means a big expensive affair), and she's miffed because he would happily spend £15K on a car.

My friend lived withher boyfried for seven years. She insisted that she didn't want marriage. They split up and then two years later they got back together when he proposed?

I've been with DP for 16 years now - own our house, 1 dd and another on the way. I don't think that our not being married says anything about our committment to each other. Getting married wouldn't prove he (or I) was more committed - and I don't need that sort of proof anyway??

She would like to get married now, he says they can't afford it

I completely agree, MrsSB. For whatever reason, they feel that a wedding should be a big affair, and if you're not going to spend a lot then it's not worth doing. I'm afraid I don't share that sentiment at all.

I think the legal benefits of marriage are overstated, to be honest. OK, there are some e.g. widow's allowance, but not too many that cannot be got by e.g. putting a house in joint names.

I would never have lived with a man who was not prepared to marry me. If he didnt want marriage - fine - his choice - off he went to find someone like minded.
If neither party wants to get marriage that's their prerogative.
But IMO it's not good for self esteem to be with someone who doesn't want to get married when you do/ ie. who is not as committed to the relationship as you presumably are.

You might want to read this, Dustbuster

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/cohabitation_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

Well yes indeed themildmanneredjanitor, because the divorce rate in this country is incredibly low.

More people who live together split up than those who are married!

Actually I don't feel especially strongly that I don't believe in marriage, I just find it grossly insulting that people feel free to tell me I'm a commitment-phobe because I choose not to do it.

I think SOME people don't believe in marriage because it is rooted in patriarchal tradition, where women are bought, sold and given away like property.

Not saying I feel like that, mind.

"if you love someone enough to liv with them, haesex with them and have children with them-then i think you should get married."

Why?