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Original poster

*Is long term cohabitation just commitment phobia?*

112 replies

Wonderpet · 16/03/2009 11:38

How many women kid themselves that they are ok with 'living together' when secretly, they view marriage a sign of commitment, but they don't feel they can ask their man to marry them? Or am I the only one that thinks this way?

OP posts:
MrsSeanBean · 16/03/2009 12:07

Yes Paolo. Marriage is so much more than the 'big day'. Nice though they are, I sometimes feel that the marriage itself will be a bit of an anticlimax after these big party affair weddings, possibly with massive bills to pay off too!

DH and I married in a registry office with 2 witnesses, no music, no fuss. It was the perfect basis on which to start our lives together (ie normality).

seeker · 16/03/2009 12:08

Oh, I do, plantsitter, I do!!!!!!!

Original poster
Wonderpet · 16/03/2009 12:08

The divorce rate isn't great but cohabiting couples are much more likely to split up than couples who are married. And using kids to seal the deal? Hmmm

OP posts:
dustbuster · 16/03/2009 12:08

Sorry, paolosgirl, I wasn't very clear. Of course there are lots of legal differences, but the vast majority can be solved by means other than getting married e.g. joint bank accounts, house in joint names etc.

Of course this doesn't mean that all co-habiting couples take such measures, but that's a different story...

MrsSeanBean · 16/03/2009 12:10

But divorce is a way out if it doesn't work. I think I would rather get married and divorced than not get married at all.

paolosgirl · 16/03/2009 12:10

We had a small family wedding and then a ceilidh at night. We didn't want (and couldn't afford!) a big wedding - for us, the marriage was more important than the wedding iykwim.

dustbuster · 16/03/2009 12:10

I just don't like all the judging of people who don't get married. Let people do what they want! Nobody goes around saying to couples who have just got married "but of course there's a 50% chance you'll get divorced". That would be extremely rude. It's also extremely rude to suggest that your relationship is stronger than somebody else's just because you are married. Each to their own!

paolosgirl · 16/03/2009 12:12

So, if you are happy to make a lifelong commitment to him, have children with him, have a joint mortgage and put in place 101 things to protect you from a legal POV - why on earth not get married????!! I honestly don't get it!

Lawks · 16/03/2009 12:13

"A marriage is not a day in a church, a disco or a fancy frock - it's a heck of a lot more than that"

exactly!!!

And it is perfectly possible to have the "heck of a lot more" bit without ever wanting to submit yourself to the disco and the fancy frock.

There are two differences between a marriage and a long term co-habiting relationship.

  1. Legal technicalities.
  2. The married couple wanted a disco and a fancy frock but the co-habiting couple didn't.

It really boils my piss when people make assumptions about mine and my parner's commitment to each other just because we don't want a party to celebrate all the things we feel about each other which may or may not be the same as any married couple.

The confusion arises because there are some people who live together without necessarily seeing it as a forever thing. You'd surely have to be of fairly limited intellegence to assume that because some cohabiting partnerships don't work out that they are all flimsy and not as good as marriage. That would be like assuming that because some people get divorced, all marriages are a sham.

Lawks · 16/03/2009 12:14

paolosgirl - because you don't want to?

Original poster
Wonderpet · 16/03/2009 12:14

Ok, do you think your kids would like you to be married?

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 16/03/2009 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustbuster · 16/03/2009 12:16

Some people just don't like the connotations of marriage e.g.

  • white dress = virginity
  • women being transferred like property from father to husband
  • women changing their names (obviously you don't have to do these things but the associations are there)
  • religious connotations e.g. sex and children outside marriage are sinful
  • state involvement in relationships
  • inequalities with gay people (this is lessened by civil partnerships, but not completely)

I honestly think it's personal choice. Nobody is trying to ban marriage, but I don't think people should be judged for not wanting to get married themselves.

seeker · 16/03/2009 12:17

" So, if you are happy to make a lifelong commitment to him, have children with him, have a joint mortgage and put in place 101 things to protect you from a legal POV - why on earth not get married????!! I honestly don't get it!"

Well, I don't understand why anyone would get married!

There aren't 101 things - there are only a few, and they are mostly things you should do whether you are married or not (both names on mortgages and house purchases, proper wills, that sort of thing).

dustbuster · 16/03/2009 12:17

Excellent post, Lawks!

paolosgirl · 16/03/2009 12:19

I don't want to get it? No, because it seems a complete contradiction in terms. My choice to get married, your choice to live together - I'm not criticising anyone, nor am I making any assumptions. I'm genuinely puzzled, but hey, it's only a debate on MN!

seeker · 16/03/2009 12:20

And I really don't understand the just the two of you in a registry with a witness off the street thing. If I was going to get married, I would want the full works, fireworks, massive party, St Paul's if it was available............!

Deep down I'm really very shallow!

Lawks · 16/03/2009 12:26

Wonderpet - I don't think children know or care. Children want there to be some form of predictable, stable family setup. If they have a mummy and a daddy who love each other and live together, I really can't think of any way in which the child would be happier if there were an extra piece of paper in the filing cabinet, and a nice old posed photo of mummy and daddy in frilly clothes on the mantlepiece.

A child growing up with co-habiting parents assumes this is the norm.

MrsSeanBean · 16/03/2009 12:55

MMJ, I am not implying anything about the seriousness of commitment or otherwise depending on the lavishness (or otherwise) of the ceremony. It's a matter of personal choice. Just as posts on here are a matter of opinion/ personal experience. Just because I have one view doesn't mean I don't respect anyone who has a different view.
Each to their own, of course!

But some people are so easily offended. And no, I wouldn't have been offended if someone had said 'there's a 50% chance you'll get divorced' - why / how on earth could I when it's just a statement of fact?

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/03/2009 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSeanBean · 16/03/2009 13:15

No didn't mean you were taking offence as such MMJ, but some people are very quick to shout 'judge' and thereby you feel you are having words put into your mouth and being 'judged' for expressing an opinion. There is so much we all don't know about each other when we read posts I am now careful not to jump to conclusions too fast. When I responded to the OP I was thinking more of 20 somethings with no DC and no ling term future plans. I have friends who are not married and it is irrelevant. Their family set up is just as stable and functional as the married couples I know. So, people who are not married, I am not judging you, OK?

Original poster
Wonderpet · 16/03/2009 18:24

I do think marriage provides women with a degree of security and a friend of mine who had two kids split up from her partner and was left with absolutely nothing because he held on to the house and had no income and she was working.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 16/03/2009 18:27

A marriage is a legal contract. It is, in this day and age, possible to end that contract. Marriage is not therefore a lifelong commitment. Lifelong commitment is a personal thing (and for some people a religious thing).

random · 16/03/2009 18:28

I have lived with my dp for over 30 years ..is that enough commitment for you?
never wanted to get married simple as

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 16/03/2009 20:53

BonsoirAnna says it all for me. I have no desire to get married, i don't need to. We have all the legal bits done, (wills etc)the kids are happy and settled and so are we.