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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First Love

139 replies

Iwentby · 27/02/2009 15:08

If you have married a while have children and things have'nt been going well for a few years and you can't see anyway back,do you stay and try and work it out for the sake of the children?

Especially when you know your first love is single again but has children and lives about 3 hours away from you.
Also you know he was the one and regret having left him.

Logistically it's wrong,moneywise would be difficult,childrens welfare,upset for all,emotional baggage both sides,years have passed so different people.

It can't work can it?

I know people get divorced all the time but I expect if oyu can avoid it for the childrens sake you should.

I suspose what I am asking is am a selfish to even thik about it even if it was an option which at the moment is just what if's on my behalf?

Should I stya and put up with my lot and forget about my happiness for the sake of the children?

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 27/02/2009 15:15

The grass isn't always greener.

If you know in your heart that you've done everything you can, on your part, to make this marriage work, and it isn't - then do what you have to do. But don't rush into leaving for someone who you loved years ago and regret leaving, who may not feel the same as you do.

cheekysealion · 27/02/2009 15:21

are you friends with your first love?

Is the chemistry still there?

Original poster

Iwentby · 27/02/2009 15:35

That's it I don't know if it is even an option.
It is very early days and we have only just started contact after many years.
The messages between us have been catching up and friendly and reminicising about old times,places,songs etc.
We have'nt even hinted about the future.
Only that from he says he has been thiking about me through the years as well and was pleased to hear from me.
He has said there is no harm in remincising and that he did not want to deny what was a big part of his life.

We still seem to have some chemistry between us and seem to be on the same wavelength.

He has said he is happy with his current life and that he was a free agent.

OP posts:

skramble · 27/02/2009 15:41

Its nice to dream, a little flicker of excitment, a tingle you haven't felt for ages, but unless you want a permenent change it is not the time to dabble with dreams, keep it as a grass is greener dream.

Original poster

Iwentby · 27/02/2009 16:57

I suspose it is just a dream at the moment.
But so many years have passed aleady ,time is running out.
Don't want to have more regrets and spend the next years unhappy.

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NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2009 17:17

This is a pipe dream. Have you made all possible efforts to fix your current relationship? (Counselling?) I think it can look like the 'easy' option, leaving to be with your 'first love'. It's easy to romanticise 'the one who got away'. But relationships aren't easy, not really.

NorbertDentressangle · 27/02/2009 18:12

I don't get peoples obsessions with "first loves".

Yes its nice to think back to happy times but time has passed.

You are both x years older, have had other relationships, children, have had other experiences in life that have shaped you into different people. You're not the same as you were then, neither is he.

Work on your current relationship.

Original poster

Iwentby · 27/02/2009 20:05

I have tried with my current situation numerous times.
This latest contact with the first love has just opened my eyes to how unhappy I am.

I realise we are not the same people after so long apart but in exchanging just those few messages it feels like it was only last week we split.
All our memories are still so vivid and we seem to just click.
As silly as that may sound.

OP posts:

goodnightmoon · 27/02/2009 21:02

steer clear. it is easy to get drawn into a fantasy based on the past.

try harder at your marriage. yes it is worth it for the sake of your children.

Nabster · 27/02/2009 21:04

Were you happy before you had contact with your first love?

Would you feel the same if he wasn't around?

Do you want to leave your husband for your first love?

What will you tell your children?

MrsMattie · 27/02/2009 21:06

Deal with your unhappy relationship before you do anything else. It's dangerous to jump from one relationship to another, especially in this sort of situation, where it would be tempting to imagine that your DP is everything that's wrong with your life, while your first love becomes some sort of ideal. Not the real world, I'm afraid. All people and relationships are flawed. Sort out what you want to do about the current situation before chasing after a dream that may not exist in reality.

TheThoughtPolice · 27/02/2009 21:08

If you choose to end your current relationship then you should do it because you are unhappy in it, not because you think your ex might be up for it.

beanie35 · 28/02/2009 06:56

Both my sister and I left our husbands (hers of 30yrs) to be with our first loves. In both cases it was far from the romantic ideal we had expected. With my sister's situation, it caused misery to her kids and although she was truly unhappy with her husband (she should have just left him and been on her own for a while)she is having huge probs with her first love, at 50yrs old he is not the 15yr old first love that she remembered, but a man with 2 ex wives,adult kids that won't except my sister as their dad's partner and a sack load of baggage. In my case I left my husband and after a 10yr relationship have married my first love, but we both caused a lot of misery to the partners we were with when we met. I sometimes ask myself, why didn't you just let sleeping dogs lie?? Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

GrannyAching · 28/02/2009 07:42

It seems that, for some, there is an emotional charge associated with the memories of their first love, a very real potency that has little do to with the here and now and a lot to do with what used to be - more fantasy than reality. Resumed contact (which is becoming more and more frequent thanks to social networking sites) often stirs up strong emotions which can be confusing unless you recognise them for what they are.

I guess we all have someone we consider our 'first love' - the first person we explored passion and intimacy with and, as such, a sort of imprint experience. Some seem to lock this experience in a silver box and make it the standard against which they measure other relationships (The One) but, again, this is more fantasy than reality.

I do have a 'first love' and although I know that the strength of feeling I felt for him was extraordinarily powerful, I also know that this was, in part, because I was young, hopeful, exploring the range of my emotions, exploring my sexuality, and it was intense. I also know that I exert a certain mesmerising power over him because he too was young, hopeful, exploring and it was all so intense. In a way, we are programmed to respond to each other, a consequence of the intensity and strength of feeling that comes with being young and in love for the first time. Heady stuff, but not remotely relevant to the life I have today.

If you are genuinely unhappy in your marriage, do something about it, but remember that most marriages are not consistently happy, there are phases and cycles in all intimate relationships. You mention that you can't see a way back in your marriage - what about seeing a way forwards instead?

The contact you have with the man you refer to as your 'first love' has stirred things up for you, clearly and understandably, it's what happens, but I'd sort out what it is you really want before investing too much time and energy in his direction.

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 17:30

I was not happy before contact and this has just compounded my unhappiness.
I don't know what to do I don't think I have a choice.

It's good to hear others experiences.

We were not that young really when we first met.
I was 20 and he was 25 and I had only had one short relationship before him.
I was with him for 4 years and moved away from my hometown to live with him.

I am in my early 40's now so a lot of water has passed under the bridge and we have both had hard times through the years.

Of course we both have baggage and there is no easy solution.

We have only had contact for a week and in that last week I have'nt been eating,I am tearful and can't concentrate on anything.
Even my DH remarked last night that I look really ill and he had'nt seen me look that ill before.

So last night I messaged this other guy and told him how I really felt and how this contact has effected me and took me surprise.
I told him I wanted nothing from him and realise his messages were just an old friend catching up.
I said I would understand if he did'nt want to contact me again but I did'nt want more years to pass and I never told him I really felt and regreted it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 19:32

Would love to know whether anyone things I was wrong to tell him how I feel?

Not sure it was the right thing to do and if it was highly inappropriate and selfish of me to burden him with it?

OP posts:

cheekysealion · 28/02/2009 20:05

did you tell him you were still intrested in him romantically?

bytheLiffey · 28/02/2009 20:07

If you leave a relationship it should be cos you feel able to be happier on your own.

If it works out with the first love, well and good.

My first love turned out to be gay. That was all very depressing for me. But at least I know that's never going to happen to me!!

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 20:17

I told him that I wish I had contacted him sooner and that all those years have passed now and it's too late,but that it still hurts.
I said I has been thinking about him a lot this past week and that was scary.
Also that it just confirmed what I have thought all these years that I still love him.
I said I hoped it would'nt hate me for telling him so.

OK ,reading that back now he's probably run a mile and thought why I did contact her.
I don't expect I will hear from again but just felt I needed to say those things that I should have said years ago.

OP posts:

cheekysealion · 28/02/2009 20:20

who ended the relationship?

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 20:22

x posts-I know that my message will have put a lot of burden on him and he is probably thinking how on earth do I reply to that?

I should ideally be on my own while if it comes to that.

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 28/02/2009 20:24

Twentby, fwiw, I think you have to look at these both things seperately...your marriage either works or it doesn't...if it is beyond saving, than I don't think you do your kids a favour staying together...

but I don't think leaving your hubbie for an old love is a good idea....if, after you split up with h something developes with the old love....dfferent story

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 20:30

I ended the relationship.
He did nothing wrong but I woke up one morning and I still don'twhy but packed some things and went home.
Wentback home to my parents 3 hours away.

2 weeks later I woke up one morning and just had to see him.
So jumped on a train and turned up on his doorstep.
I still had my key as we owned the house together but the locks had been changed.
His parents were staying with him and eventually let me in but they did'nt want me to talk to him.
we did have a talk upstairs for awhile .
It was getting late by then and hs parents said I could'nt stay the night and they would call the police to make me leave.

My brother in law had to drive the 3 hours to pick me up and take me home.
I often wonder if his parents had'nt have been there whether we would have worked it out.

OP posts:

fourkids · 28/02/2009 21:03

It seems to me that the general advice you are getting on here is sound. You need to seperate the two issues in your life...

if you are not happy in your marriage you have every right to end it, and it may be that what has recently happened serves as a kind of 'wake up call'. I think sometimes people jog along unhappily, thinking that actually NO-ONE is truly happily married - that they are all kidding other people and themselves, but one day something happens that makes them think: "you know what, Life has more to offer than this," and that this spurs them into ceasing to accept an unhappy relationship.
But other posters are right, relationships do have ups and downs - sometimes for quite long periods, and undoubtedly there are people that bail out, that would have gone on to have a happy relationship had they stuck around and worked it out.

As far as the first love is concerned, you HAVE told him now, so there is no undoing that. you now have to wait and see what he says, and then make a decision about any future with him based on his response, and for all any of us know, you may go on and live happily ever after with him

But (back to the beginning) you need to make two seperate decisions. You can't decide to leave based upon the possibility of a relationship with him, even if he states that is what he wants, because you do not know how it will go. If you leave your DH, you must do it because that is the right decision whatever happens with the other man - you must be sure that you are content to be single. that is for both your sake and your first love's. he cannot be expected to take on the responsibility of breaking up your family - only you or DH should do that, partly because it just isn't right, partly because it would put too much pressure on him, and partly because if the new (old?) relationship doesn't last forever you might find you made the wrong decision for the wrong reasons.

You must feel really torn don't hurry any decisions.

Original poster

Iwentby · 28/02/2009 22:40

Well I guess I got my answer!!

I had sent a previous message about a CD he asked about and he replied to that message with-

I bought that CD today.
Take care

So he disregarded the other message altogether.

OP posts:

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