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Original poster

First Love

139 replies

Iwentby · 27/02/2009 15:08

If you have married a while have children and things have'nt been going well for a few years and you can't see anyway back,do you stay and try and work it out for the sake of the children?

Especially when you know your first love is single again but has children and lives about 3 hours away from you.
Also you know he was the one and regret having left him.

Logistically it's wrong,moneywise would be difficult,childrens welfare,upset for all,emotional baggage both sides,years have passed so different people.

It can't work can it?

I know people get divorced all the time but I expect if oyu can avoid it for the childrens sake you should.

I suspose what I am asking is am a selfish to even thik about it even if it was an option which at the moment is just what if's on my behalf?

Should I stya and put up with my lot and forget about my happiness for the sake of the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwentby · 02/03/2009 17:06

Have resisted the urge to reply as yet.

Just want to wait and see what his next message says in case I say something inapproriate again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwentby · 02/03/2009 20:08

DH has not mentioned anything of last night so not sure whether to try and talk to him about it or not.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 02/03/2009 20:18

This is a mixture of teenage romance and rose tinted specs.If you are unhappy in your marriage end it end contact with this man and concentrate on a solid base for your children and if you are meant to be together in the future so be it but please don't start a huge messy affair when you haven't sorted things at home.

Original poster
Iwentby · 02/03/2009 20:40

noddyholder-I would not have an affair and anyway we live quite a distance from each other and our messages have not hinted at doing so.

We are just catching up on old times and remincising and for him I think that is all it is and wants.

OP posts:
veryembarrassedmummy · 02/03/2009 20:43

I haven't read all the replies- but do you know if he wants to take the chance as much as you do?

I can only talk from bitter experience- I have been in your situation. I put my DCs first. My ex has now married wife no. 3. He always wanted me, but I couldn't leave my DCs. I could have "had him" after Wife no. 2.

If you really want it, and he does too, then maybe you need to go for it- life is hort.

FairLadyRantALot · 02/03/2009 20:57

Iwentby....sorry, my message last night was probably harsh.
Your husband sounds horrible, and I can understand why you are unhappy, but truely, if you need it than end it.

The guy is being extremely cryptic....and tbh, I would really say, don't e-mail him, let him E-mail you...see what he says and stuff...

hobbgoblin · 02/03/2009 22:26

What an agonising position to be in. It is so emotionally loaded and that is both exciting but also loaded with potential grief.

I do fear that if luck is on your side for a relationship with your old flame, the emotionally charged aspects of this will have the potential to mess up what could be a perfectly good relationship together some time possibly in the future.

Can you concentrate on making a clean break from your DH? Surely if you get together with the 1st love man following the break up of your marriage you are placing so much responsibility on the new relationship. God the pressure for it to work would be massive, would it not?

I really hope you can have a second chance with your lost love, but also hope that you don't put the mockers on it before you even begin, simply due to the way it started.

I'm standing in the graveyard of a relationship right now that probably would have fared better if I'd waited 18 months for dp to have his divorce finalised. I'm pregnant and we are finished all because we have battled through his divorce whilst trying to get to know one another at his worst and in turn my worst. We didn't even have an affair - he was separated - but now facing a lifetime on my own with his baby and my DC, waiting 18 months wait seems like nothing at all. Just my jaded words of caution.

Original poster
Iwentby · 03/03/2009 17:17

Thanks for all your replies.

We have been messaging each other and I waited for him to get back to me so as not to pressure him.

We have just been chatting about our interests and trying to keep it light hearted.

It seems even after all these years we still have a lot in common.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 03/03/2009 18:24

But what are you going to do about your marriage...are you ready to end it , or will you try somemore....or what?

Original poster
Iwentby · 03/03/2009 22:46

as far as my marriage is concerned ,I honestly don't know.

I am feeling a lot calmer and happier since having contact with this guy and able to cope with life better.
Am just in a daze at the moment.

OP posts:
jasper · 04/03/2009 00:19

but are you using the fantasy of first love to anaesthetise the reality of your bad marriage?

Original poster
Iwentby · 04/03/2009 00:30

Good way of describing it jasper.

I am.

It juts feels good at the moment and am happy.

But whatever happens it can't end happily ethier way.

I am not sleeping,eating,not concentrating on anything and DH has noticed and made comments.

OP posts:
jasper · 04/03/2009 09:36

but it CAN end happily!
you may have some hard decision to make and it may get much worse for a while (if you make the break from your husband) but it can end happily in the long term.

it sounds like noone is happy at the moment.

You can't settle for a life of dragging misery

FairLadyRantALot · 04/03/2009 10:24

Iwentby, it's the lack of decision that would mean that things can't happily end...if you made a decision either way and see it through, there is a chance of happyness...

Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:02

Update-

Have still kept in contact with first love and we are keeping things as friendly messages between us.
We have both started to open up about our spouses and it is so surprising how our lives have been very similar over the years.

We have so much in common and just seem to connect.

We are a long way off getting together if we ever do as we both agree our children are our priority.

He is very cautious and knowing our past and him being hurt since then as well who knows.

I know now thought I don't want to stay married but am scared and unsure how to move forward.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 16/03/2009 16:10

That's is really positive Iwentyby, your dh isn't coming across at all well, and it's awful to be so unhappy in a marriage.

I don't have any experience in how to go about getting out of it, but I'm glad things are looking brighter and better with the first love too.

Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:17

marshabrady-thanks for your reply.

If anything comes out of of all this it is life is too short to be unhappy.
But then will children thank for me for it in years to come,probably not.

The first love told me that he would have stayed in his marriage for the childrens sake even though things with his wife had broken down.
But he said he did'nt have a choice in the end.
He said he had seen first hand what break ups do to the children.

But my situation is different to his re DH's drinking but has left me feeling would the first love hate me for doing that to my children.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 16:20

Has he left his marriage?

Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:21

Nabster-He has been living on his own for 2 years now and previously he stayed in the family home in a spare room for 3 years.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 16:24

What would you do if this other guy wasn't in touch?

Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:27

We have also been talking about each others children and he has let me into how he spends his time with his children when they come to stay.
He says between work which he works long hours and buisness trips away and his children he does'nt have much time to offer anyone else.

One thing he did say which tore my heart out was when I was telling him about my children was that he always knew I would be a great mother if a little soft but that does no harm.

I don't hear that very often.

I could'nt help thinking what if I had married him ,had his children etc.

But then I would'nt have my two lovely children though.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 16:29

Do you want to fix your marriage?

Could you see yourself living alone without your husband?

Could you actually pack up and leave? Or watch him go?

Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:31

If you mean that he had never got in touch then would have probably carried on as I have been doing and being unhappy.
But then resent has grown so much in the end I would have wanted a divorce and to go it alone with my children.

If you mean now he has got in touch and he stopped contacting me probably still leave my DH but to be honest I would be devastated about the first love and not sure how I would handle it.
My biggest fear is that my first love finds someone else in the meantime.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwentby · 16/03/2009 16:34

I think things have gone to far in fixing my marriage,I have lost all respect for DH.

I can imagine living alone with the children although how that would be possible.
We have no where to go and no financial back up.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 16:37

I have been where you are but my DH is a good man, husband and father and it was all my issues.

I don't think I will ever get over my ex if I am truly honest but I want to stay married and love my husband very much.

This other guy was the first one in all my life to be nice to me and there is something there that I don't think will ever go tbh.

We have to have no contact though as being in touch messes with our heads.