First Love

[Iwentby]

If you have married a while have children and things have'nt been going well for a few years and you can't see anyway back,do you stay and try and work it out for the sake of the children?

Especially when you know your first love is single again but has children and lives about 3 hours away from you.
Also you know he was the one and regret having left him.

Logistically it's wrong,moneywise would be difficult,childrens welfare,upset for all,emotional baggage both sides,years have passed so different people.

It can't work can it?

I know people get divorced all the time but I expect if oyu can avoid it for the childrens sake you should.

I suspose what I am asking is am a selfish to even thik about it even if it was an option which at the moment is just what if's on my behalf?

Should I stya and put up with my lot and forget about my happiness for the sake of the children?

but you can't say you didn't try. at least you know now and there are no more 'what ifs'.

My DH just came home shortly after I read the e mail and am sat here digging my nails into my arm as I just feel sick and want to cry out loud.

..

You've got your answer: he wishes you well but has no interest whatsoever in engaging in a romantic relationship with you.
This is good (though it may not feel like it right now). Because someone you shagged a few years back is not only not the answer to fix all your problems, but not actually remotely relevant to you right now. Really, you need to have a look at your current relationship, and a think about whether or not it's continuable. Writing down a list of good and bad points may help; thinking about what changes you would like (which are feasible) will help too.

I can't think of anything at the moment.
I just want to run away and be alone.
I feel stiffled and unable to think.

I told him I would understand if he did'nt want to contact me again.
He could have left it at that.

But he still sent a message to me.

He could have not replied at all and I would have got the that he is'nt interested.

Why continue the contact?

..

He probably thought that sending a friendly message but ignoring the declaration of love was not only kinder than ignoring you altogether but lessened the risk of you bombarding him with emails asking if he had got the crucial one or not.
It's very hard to know the right thing to do when someone declares themself in love with you (or makes any kind of similar declaration, gesture or pass that is not reciprocated) and you don't feel the same. If you are dismissive or negative you're being an unfeeling bastard, if you are kind you are giving them false hope.

I just feel so confused at the moment.

the other day whilst we were reminicising about about old songs we used to play whilst together he sent me a message which in his words he said

he has an old CD he plays and everytime he plays it he always thinks back to those times.
He said there was no harm in reminicising and that he did not want to deny such a big part of his life.

Out of the message he has sent me the one which really brought a lump to my throat was in reference to what I had been up to all those years.
I told him what training and jobs I had done.
His reply was

I am really impressed my your work exploits.
Although I am not surprised ,you always had the potential.

That cut me up that he had such faith in me.

anyone still around?

it is so very difficult.....

I have had this recently but never had a realtionship with the man in question... when we were younger we were best friends and the chemistry was there big time between us but none of us took it that one more step... we then lost contact when i met dd's dad....

We got back in touch last year and it has been quite strange to be honest he still had the letters i wrote him 16 years ago and he does feel resentment towards me that i went off with dd's dad and me and him lost touch..

He also feels that if we had got it on back then then we wouldnt have had to go through the hurt that we have both had with other people...

The chemistry is defintely still there between us but not sure where this will lead to at the moment we are just enjoying each other company...

The big difference with us though is that when we both got back in touch we were both SINGLE and had been for some time (me 4 years almost!!!)

others are right you need to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else...

it is not about finding your other half..... it is about 2 whole people getting together...

I think you need to deal with one thing at a time...

I can quite understand that if you meet a First Love again when both of you are single and content with your life there is a reasonable possibility of starting and enjoying a couple-relationship, and good luck to you CSL (I wouldn't want any of my early BFs back - or any of my exes for that matter, giftwrapped on a silver platter, though I am fond of several of them as friends).
IWB you need to draw a line under this man, whose emails shout really, really loudly 'I wish you well but don't love you romantically, bye.' You need to sort out yourself, and lose the mindset that a couple-relationship is the answer to all your problems, as such a thing never is. In the nicest possible way, you need a life.

take solids advice she always talks sense...
and i have always admired her take on relationships...

I have to say I love being on my own with my children although it isnt what i had planned... and was devastated to begin with but now very very with my situation...

let us know how you are

Reading the replies to your emails and the language he is using I would say no he is not interested in rekindling things with you, I do feel for you that it is hurting so much.

He is saying that it was good at the time but he is very happy being single.

I think your unhappiness needs to be looked at, your current relationship with your dh needs to be looked at and see if you can fix that.

Thanks everyone for your replies,it is really helping.

It is good to have an outside perspective from people that will interprut things differently.

I sent him a message last night and apoligised for sending the very personal previous message.
I said how unfair and selfish it was of me.
I gave him the chance to end contact and said Iwould understand if he did'nt want me to message him anymore and that I did'nt want to become an irritation to him.

He is out of the country on buisness this weekend but replied this early this morning.

He said

He had been listening to the CD I recommended and really liked it.
That he was back home on monday and his connection was bad from where he was.
At the end he put
Thanks for all your messages.

So although he did'nt answer with regards to not wanting me to message him anymore he thanked me for all my messages.

So how do I interupt that?
Is he saying he does'nt mind me sening him personal messages.

I had hoped he would make it clear and that he would rather I just kept the messages on a friendly tone.

Not quite sure what to think.
Need an outside perspective please.

your ex is clearly not interested in getting back with you. i'm sorry, that must hurt. but the real issue here is your relationship with your dh.

it's easy to look back on past relationships through rose-tinted glasses. you left your ex and you must trust yourself that you did the right thing.

this man isn't your ticket to happiness. only you are. what a cliché but they're clichés for a reason. get yourself off to counselling, try and work out your relationship problems and then see how you feel.

sorry - i x-posted with you, but i still think he's not interested in getting back with you. i would not message him again. does your dh know you are in contact? if not, then stop all contact. if so, then message him only when he messages you, with your dh's full knowledge.

I think 'thanks for all your messages' is a sign off. An end to what was for him, a brief communication with an girlfriend from long ago. It was interesting but that's it now.

If still in doubt then WAIT do not contact again, he knows where you are.

This is lot more painful, heartfelt for you as you are unhappy in your current relationship. This is being built up to be a possible escape, for him he doesn't need to escape anything.

So why is your current relationship so bad?, you say you loved that he made you feel valued (re being good at work). Do you feel undervalued in your marriage?

Honest....sort your current relationship out first....

As for the messaging with him...I would say, don't contact him....if he wants contact he will chose to contact you!

I have recently started contact with an old love again...and it did send me into turmoil...possibly more so, because I am happily enough married...but I think it was more of a what could have been, etc...not somehting I would want to act on...iykwim.

It's interesting how others have interpreted his message and has made me look at it in a different way.

Maybe you are right.

He is saying "Thanks for all your messages"

And left out but no more messages please.

I know I should'nt have but could'nt help myself.
I have sent him what will probably be my last message to him .

I have just said

Reading between the lines I assume you do not wish me to contact you again.
Is that so?
Please just let me know if I have interperated it correctly?

So know the wait for which I know deep down is going to be his reply that yes that is correct.

It is going to hurt so much and I don't know how I will get through it.

Oh you poor thing, it must hurt alot. It will be good to know for sure though I think.

Really though is there nothing with your dh that salves this pain?

I have caught up with this now and I just want to give you a big hug as I feel you have been where I was. All I can say to you is you will get past this and you will be okay.

I went through the constantly sending messages but it was a bit different as he also had feelings still for me and had been wondering about me since he married and looked for me before.

Leaving my DH was never an option and we were completely solid before he got in touch, which is why it really knocked me for six.

Be strong.

Sort out if you want to try and make your marriage as good as I hope it once was and talk to your DH. You don't need to tell him what has gone on, just tell him you feel really unsettled at the moment and how does he feel. Go from there.

Good luck.

As for talking to DH well lets just say he is up to his usual tricks.
He went out at 3pm saying he was going for a quick pint and would be half an hour.
He is still not back.
Par for the course really.

This is killing me waiting for his reply.
I can't stand it.

I wish there was something I could say to help but this is something you have to do on your own really. You have to find a way to fix things for yourself without relying on someone else to make you happy.