First Love

[Iwentby]

If you have married a while have children and things have'nt been going well for a few years and you can't see anyway back,do you stay and try and work it out for the sake of the children?

Especially when you know your first love is single again but has children and lives about 3 hours away from you.
Also you know he was the one and regret having left him.

Logistically it's wrong,moneywise would be difficult,childrens welfare,upset for all,emotional baggage both sides,years have passed so different people.

It can't work can it?

I know people get divorced all the time but I expect if oyu can avoid it for the childrens sake you should.

I suspose what I am asking is am a selfish to even thik about it even if it was an option which at the moment is just what if's on my behalf?

Should I stya and put up with my lot and forget about my happiness for the sake of the children?

At the moment I am obsessed by checking my messages and feel on such a high when he does.
Silly really,I have'nt seen this guy in years but our words to each other are just so strong.
No romantic stuff,just connecting through the music we listen to ,we send each other you tube clips.
The books we read,cooking etc.
It just works some how.

As for my DH in some ways it makes it easier that we don't get on.
I don'thave a feeling of guilt when messaging this guy so that probably speaks volumes as to how I feel about DH.

To be honest the messaging does mess with my head a bit and can affect my mood.
I am impatient and want more than he can give so try not to push him to far.
He has a lot of stress in his life already and don't want to add to it.

I try to keep the talk casual.

He says he still has feelings for me of all sorts and cares about me and that I was a major part of his life.
He is happy getting to know me again.

That will do for now.

So what are you going to do?

If you leave your H and he finds out about your ex he will assume it is all about your ex and not the problems you have with him, imo.

There will be nothing to find out about my ex as he need not know we have been messaging each other.

I would not be getting together with ex anyway ,that's a long way off if at all.

Meant to say me and DH had problems way before contact with ex.

So, what are you going to do? You are probably both as miserable as each other and one of you needs to make the first move.

Seek advice I suspose,I don't know where to start really.

How about you ask your H how he feels about things.

You really need to make a decision about your marriage.

I don't expect your husband will react well to this emotional affair you are having with your ex when he finds out (and he will)

I think you are playing with fire tbh, and I suspect this will all end in tears. Probably your own.

Get out of your marriage if you feel it has died. Anything else is just an un-necessary complication at the moment.

I sympathise that you are unhappy and this forbidden relationship is giving you a lift, but, honestly on any other thread, and if this was the bloke having an illicit dalliance with an ex, you would be rightfully criticized for your deception.

I wish you all the strength you need.

I know DH will react badly to me wanting a divorce but I can't do this any longer.

Only just tonight he has swore at me and treats me with no repect at all.

He bullys me and questions everything I do or have'nt done.

I can't stand it any longer.

I don't intend to tell the ex any details of what I plan to do .
I don't want him to feel under pressure and he has enough in his own life to deal with.

This would have been happening with or without his contact.

The thing is I don't see it as a deception only 2 people having a hard time and keeping each others spirits up.

What DH is doing to me is far worse.

Your husband sounds awful iwentby

I am in no way taking his side, but you are deceiving him and when he finds out it is going to up the ante by a million times

if you have really given up on your marriage, then sort that out first

I want to sort out the details of my marriage but dont know where to start.
I am scared.

I have no one to support me really.
I have'nt confided in anyone.
Maybe I could speak to my sister.

I'm sorry, my posts sound a bit harsh on re-reading.

You sound very lost and like you really need someone to talk to.

Have you no RL friends to chat to?

Don't worry about shielding your dh from others opinions. He is what he is.

I don't have any close friends and both my parents died some years ago.
My older sister knows a bit about DH but try not to burden her with it.

Meant to say your post did'nt sound harsh at all.

maybe you should "burden" her a bit more, you might be surprisd and that she has guessed how bad you are feeling and wants to support you

or see your gp to see if he can refer you for some councelling to help you deal with the breakdown of your marriage

he sounds verbally abusive, have you spoken to womens aid? I never have, but this contact seems to be very helpful for women dealing with similar issues. Have a good search in relationships, there are lots of similar threads.

I guess (if you ring WA) they have heard everything, and will never tell you that you are being "hysterical" or imagining it when he puts you down

just one thing, are you making sure to delete all your internet history, MSN chats, emails, whatever ?

May give the WA thing a look.

I do delete his messages after I have read them and mine to him.
Also I delete the history.

Not sure if DH would know i have been deleating stuff.

I have to go to bed now ( very early start)

I hope the late night crew pick this up

Perhaps you could start another thread about your husbands abusive behaviour, you might find that gets picked up on more, however you have had good advice so far

Because I think your unhappiness in your marriage is the catalyst for this hankering over an old relationship

Good luck

Thanks very much.

How are you feeling today, Iwentby?

Not feeling too good today.

I am getting paranoid.

The ex has'nt messaged me since sunday night.

I know he ie very busy with work and works long hours so maybe over reacting.
But my mind is telling me allsorts of things.

Last night DH called me by my full name and he never does that.
My name can be shortened and he usually calls me by the shortened version.

This seemed strange to me as I have been signing off my messages to the ex with my full name.

Sorry all sounds quite mixed up.

Meant to say I have got it into my head that DH knows and has maybe messaged the ex and told him not to get in contact anymore.

Sounds silly,but DH was really strange last night and just being nasty to me and picking at me all the time.
He may know but is playing mind games.

Hi, iwentby

do you see why I was saying that this this emotional affair with your ex is just going to fuck with your head even more

you are making a mistake if you stay in contact with this bloke, at least while you are going through this with your husband

In can't stop it,it's taking over my life.

I have'nt been eating.
People have commented at how much weight I have lost.
I have been up until at least 3am most nights waiting for his messages.
I know I am not being the mother I should be,I am preoccupied all the time.
I have started smoking again and survive on water and cigarettes.
God I hate myself for saying this but for a spilt second I would have been prepared to leave my children for my ex.
I WOULD NEVER EVER DO THAT,BUT IT CROSSED MY MIND FOR A SECOND.

I live in a lovely big house but would give it up tomorrow if I could be with my ex.
it's just bricks and mortar.

Sorry meant to say it looks like the decision has been taken out of my hands as the ex has not replied to any of my messages.