My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

i wish!!! i have just done that, as i do more often lately. shes fine, safe and here with me

Haw - there's a way to 'hide' threads you don't want to see so you don't get reminded that people are talking about certain issues.
she just wants time off from this discussion i guess.

your response to me is telling surely.

think what you would say to me if roles were reversed.
what would your reaction have been in my scenario?

Maybe instead of taking Swimmer's suggestion you just need to imagine your daughter as Nabster... The eloquence of a mature woman with the experience of your DD...

I'm very glad your dd has told an impartial listener; the nurse at her school. At least the nurse will listen and believe her 100%.

You need to nail your colours to the mast pronto. I've never been in your shoes and can't judge you but one thing I do know is that if I had to lose my precious daughter's respect forever, or lose a husband, I'd jettison the husband every time. No contest.

Solid is right when she says that the fact that your dd wants the statement to stand but can't face going ahead with pressing charges lends weight to her telling the truth. This is exactly what I wanted to do when my x attacked me, and I was an adult and I didn't have the energy and the bravery to go through with a court case. I had my Mum behind me 100% and I couldn't face it. I had an absolutely desperate need for the police to retain my statement though. which they have. I'm an adult!!!!

Open your eyes and support your daughter.

ok lesson, sorry

.

I think it's entirely plausible that a man might abuse just because the opportunity is there. A partner of my mum's definitely crossed the line a couple of times when I was about 13 and I'm pretty sure it was just because I was there, perhaps arose feelings that might not have come to the fore otherwise. We're still in touch with him, he went on to marry a woman with no children.

Lots of abusers have a hidden past. They usually have up to 200 victims before they are convicted of anything. They know the law inside out and are some of the most arrogant people you could ever have the misfortune to meet!

H&W - Nabster's problems are not your fault. She came on here to give you the benefit of her experience and to help you to protect your daughter. That it's brought up stuff she still can't deal with should just reinforce for you the importance of helping your DD every way you can. Hope you're coping. xx

Hurtandworried - I am sorry you are having such a bad time. I have no experience of this but:

I think you have a duty to believe your daughter 100%. Treat things from now on as though you absolutely believe what she has told you.

Most children faced with the police would find it impossible to keep up the pretence and she would surely have wanted to retract her statement (as well as any charges) if it wasn't true.

Yes, HAW, sorry to pile in on top of you but the fact that you can't really process the information isn't really relevant.

Stand up and walk over to your daughter and tell her that you are sorry that you EVER doubted her for a second. It's not your fault you didn't see it. But now that you know you must face it

By the way, another reason I didn't want to go through with pressing charges was because I felt I would be crused under the weight of my x's hatred for me, and just to reiterate, I am an adult with the FULL support of my Mum. Not wanting to go ahead and press charges means NOTHING> The fact that she's not retracting her statement speaks volumes.

Have you read her statement? Maybe you should do that. It might help you take it in.

as best i can per thankyou xx
dittany i am so close its untrue! and im finding it very difficult
hes not arrogant, hes one of the nicest people i have ever met, how mad does that sound in these circumstances??
and this bloody connection is driving me mad!!

that should be 'crushed' under the weight of x's hatred if I'd pressed charges.

Have you read her statement HAW?

am i allowed to read/hear her statement? she says she would like me to

HAW, get that tape out of the house in case your DD finds it. Put it in a secure package in the shed/freezer - antwhere your DD cannot find it. Better still take it to someone in authority ASAP.

no only heard the husbands tapes

I have been lurking on this thread.

I just wanted first to say how sorry I am for all of you that have experienced this in your lives.

Someone did ask earlier what you know about your H's past. You said you know his past. Do you know his parents, his family, his previous partners? Do you know where he lived? His friends? How long did you know him before you married? Does everything the police know about him fit with all that you know?

I too think that you should have no hesitation in believing your daughter. I also wonder if the boyfriend you have said you are not happy about arrived on the scene before or after the alleged abuse started?

Sending you strength.

I think you should ask to. Read it and don't challenge anything you read, no matter how astonished you are by it.

REad it. And stay quiet if you can't instantly say "i believe you".

It will help you get there I think.

I'm sure you can read it if you have her permission.

the tapes are in the safe, safe and sound, she knows they are here, the boys dont

HAW you could hear his statement so why are you hesitant when she has asked you to hear hers?

yes GaG, i know all that and it all marries up with the police files abd records, down to driving offences 20 years ago. there are no investigations, let alone charges, for anything of this nature whatsoever

You need to hear hers.

This is different as I'm an adult and it's a dif type of abuse, but an insight in to human nature here, to give you a heads up and a wake up call, I hate my mother-in-law more than I hate my x, but she refuses to believe that he abused me. Illogical and unfair perhaps but true. I was close to her once.