I'm in the depths, please help. Can I/we recover from his second affair?

[MerryPheasantPlucker]

Says it all in the title really. I'm gutted, really feel like my insides have been ripped out. What the hell do I do now?

haven't even changed my bloody xmas name. shit

hugs, sorry no idea, do you think the relationship is beyond repair, did you ever really reolve the issues that contributed to the first affair?

bloody hell so sorry
guess letting the first one go you can say is a mistake etc
but a second.....
i really dont know what do you want to do ?

oh no what a git. I think it boils down to the fundamental 'do you WANT to?'

he's broken your trust and betrayed you, you've taken him back, forgiven him and carried on, only for him to do it again

are you prepared to put the effort in again because if you are we're all here to help/support but nobody would be remotely suprised if you didn't want to either

sorry I don't really have anything more profoundly supportive to say at this time

Honestly ?? I obviously don't know all the details but whilst I think I may be able to forgive one affair, I'm not sure I could forgive a second

So sorry you're going through this

are you ok? have you only just found out? is there someone you could be with in RL just now or do you want to tell us what happened?

So sorry, but gosh, no, I don't think a second one is recoverable- how could you ever believe him? Family solicitor, and tell you family and friends so you get looked after

Thanks so much for all the quick replies, am so touched am blubbing.

I feel so so very sad. I worked so hard to get over the first one and thought we'd finally got "us" back. feel so let down by him.

First time we went to relate, it came out that he was very selfish and needed to put effort in as much as I did. I know things had slipped slightly in that he seemed to be getting all he wanted and I guess I'm guilty in that I felt I needed to spoil him to keep him happy. feel quite resentful now. Have totally lost all respect for him, dont like him - think I'm seeing the real him through what he's capable of, if that makes sense?

Sorry, really rambling here, my mind is just full and blazing.

perhaps really solicitor is the best way to go....

To coin a phrase on another thread, he has been a complete wanker, with a side order of twat...you have every right to be devastated and disappointed, I am so so sorry...

Do you love him? Do you have children? He doesn't deserve you. That goes without saying. Really sorry to hear your terrible story.

sorry you are going through this. I would say - you don't have to make any decisions right now, give yourself time to deal with the shock of this second affair. But in the meantime get info from solicitor etc about practicalities/finances if you decide to split.

Doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or much care for your relationship. Does he want to carry on, truly, or does he want his cake and to eat it too?

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} sorry, not very MN, but sounds like you need them.

First time was a few years ago, someone we both new/know.

This time happened over xmas.

We have 3DC, have been through needing space, he left and then had to come back due to financial reasons. My family and friends know, even told the school & nursery as I know how upset the children could be and have good relationship with all their teachers.

He's begging me to have him back. As he did last time. Is apparently willing to do anything. I just don't know what the hell he, or I can do to make this better.

you know what I see NO issue with people wanting to spoil their DHs etc as long as it is an equal and secure relationship BUT don't you DARE berate yourself into wanting to make your marriage work after he potentially threw it away with the first affair

you've gone to relate, you've worked hard and he's fucked it all up again

time to sit down, take stock and work out what YOU want

if you decide to try again fine, nobody judging on here but if you do decide enough is enough then we're all here for that too

Very sad for you, It sounds like you have really worked at the relationship. You poor thing.

I agree that you should tell some people in RL if you can. I know we often feel that we have to be loyal in a relationship, but you need some support.

It's you who's changed, now. You no longer respect him. Before long, you will pity him, and then you will despise him.

It's never easy, but you need to start thinking along the lines of ending your relationship.

He isn't going to stop, and your self-esteem is being eroded. See him for what he is, and move along to sunnier climes.

Thanks for all the hugs, however un MNetty it is.

I do have lovely supportive friends, and my family is willing to back me whatever I decide. I am just struggling to come to terms with the situation I'm in. I'm heartbroken for myself and my children. I can't help feeling a whole woe is me thing in how unfair it is. Dizzyd you are so right, I just find it hard to accept.

Desiderata, I do feel like I'm in a big changing process, I almost feel stronger this time. I just don't want to be in this position, making these decisions.

and for you
Does your dh live with you at the min?

My family and friends were with me through it all first time, and I can see it in their eyes when we talk, they are all thinking he will just keep doing it.

Both times I found out, I found texts, then it ended. I also wonder how long they wouldve carried on for had I not found out. So not even as though he felt guilty and ended it.

Yes plumbm, he's on the sofa at night.

I've felt numb until tonight. I went out for a drive on my own and drove for miles, crying, just hit me really. I just can't see a decent future, whatever I decide.