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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm in the depths, please help. Can I/we recover from his second affair?

108 replies

MerryPheasantPlucker · 18/02/2009 21:24

Says it all in the title really. I'm gutted, really feel like my insides have been ripped out. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 21/02/2009 13:21

My dad was a serial affair person and we all suffered as mum always took him back.

If it is going to work it will take a real hard look at why it keeps happening and what if anything can be done to make you feel good again. It will take effort form you both and he hasnt made much this time.

I ended up hating my dad for a while because of what he put mum through. She is not easy but it was totally unfair.

I have taken the route of divorcing x (we both had affairs long story but he was abusive) and am happy I did for my sake as much as the kids.

tribpot · 21/02/2009 13:24

If he doesn't think you could divorce him, he knows he's effectively got carte blanche to do whatever the hell he likes. The guy's taking the piss.

Quite understandable that you want to be civil to him in front of the kids - but that's the problem. Other than sleeping on the sofa he's basically got away with it.

How would you manage financially if you did separate?

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 13:24

Glitterfairy, thanks for that, I have wondered how it will affect my DCs. Can I ask how old you were when you became aware of what your Dad did?

OP posts:

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 13:28

Tribot, Ive yet to see solicitor, but when DC are back at school shall be seeking advice. I have good support network so I can work if needed (only part time however), really need to delve into finances to see what (if anything) he would hav to pay, and what I would have to cover.

As I've said, I want as little upset for my children as possible, so if they are going to see their parents split, I'd rather they didn't have to move house and schools too. I am considering a night job, as they pay better and I would be around for children school runs etc.

So, so much to consider.

OP posts:

Naat · 21/02/2009 13:45

So glad to hear you're taking advantage of the day with DCs!! And that you're feeling great about it

Yes, it takes time, but you sound much stronger now... it's great that you're coming to terms with everything bit by bit and that you have a support network to help you go through all this (including MN hehe).

Enjoy your day!!!

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 13:59

Thanks Naat

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/02/2009 17:01

merry, my apologies

the tone of my post made you feel like you should justify yourself and that is not fair

I am soooo angry for you though

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 18:19

Thanks AF, no probs.

It's actually amazed me how strong everyone's feeling about it all is. I mean, you don't know me or him. I'm quite touched really.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 21/02/2009 18:30

Hi Merry I was 11. It was very traumatic as I found out myself without being told just put two and two together after going through my dads pockets.

Both parents then talked to us and said they were staying together and made it clear it was for our sake. We were extremely uncomfortable and one of the things I always made clear in my own marriage was that I would never stay for the sake of the kids.

My parents stayed together until I was 19 but they rowed all the time and Dad would pack a suitcase leave and go off with another woman only to be taken back by my weeping mother. I lost a lot of respect for her but she truly loved him and has never "moved" on which is so very sad for her. I would have loved her to get another man in her life and some self respect back.

This is so difficult though and I really do believe there are no easy answers. Divorce and breaking up is really not easy and neither is staying together I am happy it is behind me and hope never to go through anything like it again.

More than anything else though in my circumstances which are different to yours my kids are really grateful x doesnt live with us. I do think though that women once set free can do really well and relax alot around their kids if the relationship has been tense and hurtful and there is nothing like the satisfaction of knowing you coped!

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 18:45

Thanks for sharing glitterfairy, my eldest is 9, and has picked up on changes between me and him but I don't think I could phrase an explanation sufficiently well enough for her to really understand.

I have wondered how they would feel if I took him back for their sake, or wether it would be better for them to have a fully functioning happy mum.

OP posts:

slummybutyummy · 21/02/2009 19:04

Hi Merry, what a horrible time you are having, I'm so sorry.It is great that you have a good support network in RL, hopefully that will mean you can take the time you need to think it all through once the kids are back at school.

What is important though is that it is you who can make the decisions now. You are quite rightly very angry and you said you don't like him. Without being able to have space away from him it is hard to decide how you feel so you will need to take your time and not be rushed into making a decision either way. If he wants to work it out then he will have to wait till you are ready if that is what you decide.

I would suggest that you take copies of any financial / legal documents etc so that you have them in case you decide to seperate.

Only you can decide if you can forgive him or not but from your posting you sound like a very strong and sensible person (and you will get even stronger). Neither option is easy but if you decide to seperate, you and your children will be ok.

Hugs x

StirlingTheStrong · 21/02/2009 19:43

MPP - My eldest is 9 too, and I know he has noticed changes.

My saddest moment came when my 3yr old dd asked why I didn't kiss daddy goodbye anymore

They notice alot more than you give them credit for.

Dior · 21/02/2009 19:53

MPP - I like to think that I would forgive one affair, but not two. However, I also know that love causes things to change. IT sounds to me as if you are being as fair as possible about this situation, but that you need to start looking after your own interests for a while now. If you want him out, get him out. There will be financial help out there for you. Have you looked at 'Entitledto.com'?

I really feel for you and my main advice would be not to make any real decisions for a while. This is a real upheaval period.

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 21/02/2009 20:20

Oh stirling, my youngest is 3 also. And has noticed that Daddy makes mummy cry.

I'm very angry that my lovely children are having to go through this because of that selfish bastard, but when I say that to him he says "well they don't have to, it's up to you", I hate that he tries to turn this situation into my responsibility because if I take him back the DC won't get hurt.

OP posts:

Dior · 21/02/2009 20:26

That is really unfair of him to say it is up to you. HE put you in the position of having to make a choice. It sounds as if he is a manipulative person who loves being important - hence the affairs.

If I were to be honest and give you my gut reaction, I would say that he will never be faithful. He can't have his cake AND eat it.

slummybutyummy · 21/02/2009 20:27

MPP - This situation is HIS responsibility, not yours - if he hadn't had another affair his kids would not be in this situation. The best you can do for your kids is to take your time to make any decision - you being civil to him must be so hard but absolutely the right thing for them and you in the long run.

tribpot · 22/02/2009 07:28

Outrageous that he says it's up to you not to upset the children. What a manipulator.

glitterfairy · 22/02/2009 09:54

Merry how are you?

He does sound manipulative and very sure of himself and I think at least a shot over his bows would be a good idea.

I agree about taking your time over decisions and not being forced to make choices but I think you probably need the space to do so.

Mamii · 22/02/2009 10:15

I'm so sorry, you poor love. I do completely understand how you're feeling right now. Most people are under the mistaken assumption that if their DH ever did this to them, they would throw them in the street and start divorce proceedings immediately. In reality, when it happens to you (as it has to me, my ex-husband cheated on me twice too) you can't just turn off your love for them. Oh, that it was really that simple. Are you still going through the cycles? I.e. One minute grieving and upset, the next angry that he could do this to you and the kids. Then feeling strong and that you'd be better off with out the selfish, manipulating pig? Unfortunately, you're the only one who know's truely how you feel. It takes time, but the time will come when the love you feel for him (and that is what's causing your confusion) will die. When you look at him you'll see him for the selfish, uncaring, manipulative pig he really is. It happen's all of a sudden.
When you get to the point where you're putting yourself back together and not feeling like you've been torn into a million pieces. Not only have you got to heal yourself, you've got to find all the pieces 1st and find the right place for them. Give yourself time. Don't feel like you have to make any decisions now. You're not responsible for this, he is. It's part of his guilt that he's passing on to you to make you responsible for it because he's the weak one not you. His weakness caused this whole situation. You're in my thoughts. Take care.

GivePeasAChance · 22/02/2009 10:18

Things that have come out from this v.supportive thread:

Your husband will never be the husband you want - he will probably always be untrustworthy ( mainly because he doesn't take responsibility for what he has done)

If you stay with him for the children - your children will end up losing respect for you because it shows you have no respect for yourself.

There is life after divorce

He takes no responsibility for his actions, has made no decisions for the family good, is dodging his responsbilities and forcing them on you.

You sound like you dislike him quite a lot now........and if you have disgust for your partner, it is THE biggest predictor that the partnership will never recover.

Life is short, childhood is so finite and never to be repeated. Stick with your gut and do what you need to do...........you will be stronger than you think.

Original poster

MerryPheasantPlucker · 22/02/2009 12:52

Thank you all so much, Peas, thanks for the round up!

I'm having a really bad day

Lots of tears.

So Mamii, yes I am going through the cycles.

OP posts:

StirlingTheStrong · 22/02/2009 13:07

Hi MPP, so sorry you are having a bad day But I always find after a really low and sad day that I wake up the next day feeling stronger and more able to cope.

I was advised by Happywoman that it really sends a strong message to the h when you go and get some legal advise. A bit of a wake up call for them, you know?

You dont have to take it any further but to be well armed and knowledgeable about what the future may hold for you, financially at least, should make you feel a bit better.

intheLiffey · 22/02/2009 13:17

One thing you said struck a chord. You were already 'sublimating' yourself slightly to pander to him, or 'spoil' him. Indulge HIS needs first and foremost, and he STILL wasn't happy.

I agree with kerrymumbles, fuck him out. DOn't listen to him when he tries to bully reason with you.

My children are much happier now that I'm a single mum btw, so you don't have to waste your energies feeling sad for them. It's not the end of the World. They wont grow up watching mummy putting herself second now. And that'll be to their advantage, whether they're boys or girls.

glitterfairy · 22/02/2009 13:39

Go for it Liffey

I am really sorry you are having a bad day Merry! Take care of yourself.

abedelia · 22/02/2009 16:59

I'm so sorry Merry - like many have said, the second time would be the dealbreaker for me. I doubt I'd communicate with him other than through a solicitor if I had to go through that again. The first thing you need to do imho is to chuck him out - he screwed this up, and so it is his responsibility to find somewhere to stay and so forth. This will give you time on your own without him coming on to you, trying to charm you etc and you can get more of an idea of how you really feel without all the confusion. It will also send him a really strong message - personally I'd get to the first stage with a solicitor contacting him, also. Letting him back has been a bad idea, it's like sending a child to their room for misbehaving then ignoring them when they come downstairs a minute later - he's back to having all the privileges of living with you and the family already so he feels he's getting away with it already. Once he can get you into bed I bet in his head he'll think that's a done deal and life will be back to normal...

It is entirely up to you as to whether you take him back again, but he does need to know for sure that if he steps out of line even slightly then that's it next time - no words, no looking back.

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