I'm in the depths, please help. Can I/we recover from his second affair?

[MerryPheasantPlucker]

Says it all in the title really. I'm gutted, really feel like my insides have been ripped out. What the hell do I do now?

My heart sinks for you MPP.

It's really hard to see all that... We always have the hope that "this time he'll change". Unfortunately, that doesn't happen every time.

Hope we're helping a bit and not confusing you even more.

YOU have to think about what YOU want for YOU and DC. You deserve to be happy...

Thanks Naat, it all seems too big for me to deal with, I know I need to take my time, but while I am life is just carrying on, it seems unreal.

No, not confusing me at all, it is really helping being able to type all this stuff out and to read all opinions, because in real life my family and friends are hurting for me and all their opinions are based on feeling for me. You guys don't even know me and I can feel the support, thank you.

Glad you feel "supported"...
Keep us posted and don't hesitate to ask for more support whenever you need it, you don't have to bear the whole weight alone.

My heart goes out to you MPP.

I completely understand all your comments especially about the trust. It is so hard to go from trusting someone and believing what they tell you to questioning everything.

I have been (sort of) in the same position as you and you get to the point where you stop asking the questions because you know you wont be able to believe the answer .

As others have said, you really need to ask yourself what YOU want. If you dont think that you can get past this then you need to separate for a bit to sort yourself out.

He isn't the person that you thought he was so you need to work out if you want to be with this new person.

Wish I could be of more help

Appreciate that Stirling, thanks. Your point about him not being the person I thought he was etc, really struck a chord. I guess that's what I'm trying to work out, but I just don't have the time or the space from him to "miss" him or work out how I really feel about him. My gut instinct is that I really don't like this man much at all, simply because of what he is willing to do to his family (mainly his kids) - because I just don't think I could behave that way. Trust and honesty are really important to me.

please remember none of this is your fault, you have been strong truthful honest and compassionate-a good wife and mother- he no longer deserves you and you certainly don't deserve this life.

I know I could not go through it again.....been through 1 affair...it was so painful so draining trying to save our marriage, trying to do the right thing so sad and the shock and despair I felt- well you know how hard it i!. We are still together but I know there is no way I could go through all that again...even now, 5 years on there is lots of trust back but it will never be 100% again- something we both have to live with.

The first time I can start to make sense of as a huge mistake/crisis etc but if he ever did it again I know that he now knows what it was like the first time,the pain it caused everyone in all our lives and what he was risking. I'd know he had chosen to bring all that down on us again.....and that is the reality he chose to carry on an affair, he's an adult responsible for his actions and the knowledge that actions have consiquences.

Only you know if you can carry on and know one can judge you for whatever decision you make......he caused this....he chose this. I'm so sorry you have to try and pick up the pieces again, it's such a roller coaster and so painful and sad. I wish you strength and happiness for YOU in the future- you deserve better honey.

Please keep posting MPP

It really helped me to get other peoples perspective on my situation.

Stay strong

Hi, I'm still here .

Have to be stealthy because he is living here at the moment.

He tried to kiss me yesterday (WTF?!!).
I really don't think he understands what he's done. I'm considering relate - not as a means to reconsile, but I feel I need him to understand the gravity of the situation, without him exploding. I think maybe a 3rd party might be able to listen to me and phrase things better, almost translate it into "man language" I guess. Do I sound nuts?

This forum is quite funny. Without denigrating the hurt and pain you have gone through however. He did it once, you have taken him back. He has done it again. He will continue to do the same. Get rid and move on! It's not your fault, he just likes other women. Not everything will and can work, no matter what you want. If for the children you want to stay with him may I recommend a blind eye.

Expectantdad, how do you mean funny?

I can see how it might seem clear to some people, but life isn't simple and whatever I decide there will be massive implications for my children and for me, so I have to take time and consider everything very carefully.

MPP - To some people these situations are black or white. They must think "well, he has done that, so she MUST do this".

But as you said the situations are so complicated with dc involved, emotions involved, financial issues.

DC complicate matters enormously and, even though the situation has not been caused by you, you can make the decision that will alter their future forever.

Your h (and my h) have done what they have done without any thought of consequences but now we must consider the consequenses before we take the biggest step.

Good Luck

Thanks Stirling, it's like you are speaking my mind, it helps to know there are people who understand.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you, and your husband does not respect you.

I do know a couple where the husband had three or four affairs. Every so often a new girl, rumours etc would crop up. The wife would always end up believing that nothing had actually happened, and take him back. They're still together, and say they're happy. I cant say that he is definately faithful.

I think when you have kids, you have to consider how this affects them. Yes, children can find divorce difficult, and a husband and wife working through their problems shows to the children that you dont just give up, and that not everything is easy. But walking away from a cheating partner can also install a good message to show it is not acceptable to have affairs, and that people need to be respected.

I've realised, going through this and looking back on all our years together, that he has never really respected me.

At the beginning of "this time" someone told me that I don't just have 2 options (which was what I thought, keep him or kick him out), but that actually my options are infinite, I just need the time to think of them.

So I'm not rushing, but I really don't see how I can work to save our marraige again, he obviously doesn't think it's worth it. Although he says different. He contradicts his words with his actions

I think he probably doesn't get how serious this is because you aren't showing him, MPP. He's still living in your house which to him must be a signal that he might get back into your good books.

From your Relate sessions, it doesn't sound as if things had "slipped slightly" as much as you had both gone back into the roles you had been playing previously, you the indulger and he the indulged. (Not to suggest that therefore you are in any way to blame for the second affair, just that it doesn't sound as if there was any true intention on his part to change).

I think at a minimum he needs to leave your house for a period of time whilst you both think what you want longer term. He needs to understand that you haven't just "got the hump" about his affair, you are considering divorcing him.

I am so sorry for you - it is such a horrible situation.
Get good legal advice - even if you dont know what you are going to do.
Photocopy all legal documents and financial records.
Read the book "Women who love too much"
I forgave my husband and took him back and he repeated history - again and again.
We separated with a view to a possible reconcilaition and he just continued his behaviour but covering it better.
I was made to feel I waS mad.
My child's and my life was miserable
Evenually got a divorce - would never have believed it but I am so happy and have a great life.
thats what usually happens [ I know not always] when some-one establishes a pattern of infidelity - it becomes almost addictive

That is also such a jolt isn't it MPP - If someone had asked you a few years ago you would have said that your h respected you (I know I would) but some of this "coming to term with things" means you face up to the fact that he has no or little respect for you.

That hurts!

Tribpot makes sense but it can be difficult for financial reasons to have a separation.

You could always try something in the middle. He could stay in the house but do everything separately. Wash, cook, sleep, take turn with dc. Give him an idea what it would be like to fend for himself and see how serious you are. That also gives you an idea of how you would cope without him there.

Second affair? Complete and utter deal breaker for me. Your husband obviously finds it impossible to be faithful. It's not really about you or your relationship anymore, it's about his inability to keep it in his pants and show loyalty and respect to his wife. I hear what others are saying, but I think this has gone far beyond the time to be reasonable.
I would start talking to a lawyer a.s.a.p

My head is so full I just don't know where to start.

We seperated for a few wks but he had to come back due to financial reasons, couldn't afford his digs, and has no family or friends near by.

I am finding it difficult him being here as I want as little upset as possible for my children so I am civil to him when they are around. He has meals with us, or the DC would ask why not. However I have said that if he wishes to eat with us he has to either cook the meal or help with prep in some way as this was something he would never do before, and I hate to feel like I'm just slipping back into the wife role.

He does whatever I tell him to without question. But I also feel he is having cake and eating it, as he is still here. I really want some time, some room to think. I want him to realise just how bad this is. I mentioned I was considering divorce but his response was that he doesn't think I could divorce him.

I think it's all down to how secure I've made him feel all these years, he feels so safe that he's "got" me, I'm loyal, supportive, trustworthy and faithful, and when I sign up for something, our marriage, I don't give up with out a fight. He just doesn't see that I've done all the fighting for "us", and can now see we never really had the "us" I thought we had.

He 'doesnt think you could divorce him'.

Oh Merry. I want to scream 'WHAT A PISS TAKER!'.

He is treating you like a pair of comfy old slippers.

Call his bluff.

Hi Merry,

Yes, it does sound as if he thinks he "has you under his thumb" and that you will never be able to leave him, that you cannot possibly live without him. He seems to feel he has complete control over you.

I imagine you are in dire need of space right now and him being there is not actually helping. Are you sure there's nowhere he could go if you ask him you need the separation? He is so comfortable there and is thinking you'll just forget this and let it go that he won't be making any effort to go, tbh.

Take advantage of the weather today and try and go out, leave the house so as to get some air.

Keep us posted, Merry.

merry, he should not be in your house, taking advantage of your hospitality

and yes, it is easy to slip back into your role of wife and nurturer when he is still there because that feels comfortable for you too

out of interest, where has he been committing his acts of infidelity

don't give a shit where he goes, and whether it is ok for him, send him back to the fucking place he disrespected your marriage

so he thinks you will never divorce him?

another carte blanche for him to fuck around whenever he likes

honestly merry, please think what he is doing, and you are letting him

is your self-esteem really so non-existent?

Hi again Naat,

It certainly feels that way, I think it's very obvious he thinks I couldn't cope without him. In the past however I've had to. He seems to forget this.

Some weekends he has to work - and this is one of them so I am feeling better, stronger almost. Definitley happier!

The DCs are wonderful, I love them all dearly and we have fun together. We shall be going out for a lovely walk in the sunshine this afternoon - they are picnicing in the garden at the moment while I bake them goodies to have after.

Hi Anyfucker,

His infidelity this time was at work.

I have to give a shit about where he goes because if we can't afford to pay the mortgate we lose the house - we were getting to that point before so he had to come back.

Yes my self esteem is that low - it's getting better though. I realise I've relied on him for a lot over the course of our relationship, and self esteem is a major thing. I wouldn't feel good if he didn't like my outfit/hair/makeup/shoes.

I know how pathetic I sound, I really do. I've done so much thinking and self analysis over the last few weeks, I can see how I slowly shrivelled up into the "little wife" (although not so little!) and lost my self confidence.

So I know some good is coming of this awful situation, I'm changing, I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting stronger, more confident and slowly coming to terms with the fact that my life is not going to turn out how I planned.