I'm in the depths, please help. Can I/we recover from his second affair?

[MerryPheasantPlucker]

Says it all in the title really. I'm gutted, really feel like my insides have been ripped out. What the hell do I do now?

You dont need to make any decisions yet.

No one knows until faced with it what they can or cant forgive.

It ultimately depends on what you want...

Its not fair at all to have to make this choice but it doesnt have to happen overnight.
Just take time to come to terms with this.
My heart goes out to you and dont blame yourself you cannot want to make and try to make things works too much.

Thanks Lilyloo, I never thought I could forgive one affair, but thought after going to relate that there were reasons for it, that we could work at it and have a better marraige for it, almost.

I'm a really honest person, I hate lies and betrayal of any kind. I am finding this very difficult to deal with. My whole life was kind of planned out (you know how you do). When I said my vows I meant them, I stuck by him through a lot. I am the typical mum/housewife. I cook, clean, bake, have babies, love and look after my children and (did) adore my H. What the hell is my life if I don't do this?

All I wanted was to have a happy secure home for my children, a good marraige (that I was prepared to work at) to the man I loved and trusted, and to be loved and respected.

I know I sound like I wanted a bloody Disney marraige/life. But I really didn;t think those few things were a lot to ask for.

You do deserve that am just sorry your dh doesnt think so.

Love and respect should be a given but real life i guess is very different...

Put yourself first this time. Of course he is begging you to take him back. Life is bloody hard on your own especially when you are contributing for a wife and 3 children.

I am so very sorry for the situation you are in. Go with how you are feeling. Dont try and brush the grief away. You are mourning your marriage.
Be strong.

So sorry you are going through this. SOmeone who has one affair during a crisis or bad stage in a relationship may sincerely regret it and the relationship may recover and even be stronger afterwards. Someone who does it twice is going to do it more times.Some people may think it all through and decide that they are prepared to accept a partner who repeatedly has other relationships (but if you are going to do this, you have to be very sure it's worth doing, and there have to be rules, and a clear understanding that you matter to the other partner). Whatever you decide is the right thing to do, remember that you matter, that your feelings matter, and you are not the least important person in the family who should just have to put up with this.

Thank you so much, your kind words make so much sense seeing them in black and white.

I keep thinking that if I do take him back, I will always be waiting to find out again, and will never be sure he isn't up to it again. I don't want to live like that, but don't know who I am without this marraige I've invested my whole self in.
I keep being told I am young enough to start again, but I just don't see it because I never thought I'd have to.

I am going to try to get some sleep.

All your replies are appreciated. Thanks.

MPP , im sorry this has happenrd to you again. once is a mistake, twice is habit. you deserve better. -take him to the cleaners!

Really sorry to hear this, it is awful. the same thing happended to me. After I found out about affair number two I told him to leave as i couldnt go through all the pain and stress of trying to rebuild our relationship again. i can honestly say that 6 months later that I am much happier and calmer in myself although my life is a lot harder. I found out yesterday he has recontacted girl no1 whilst still seeing the women who was involved in the final brakdown of our marriage. It just made me laugh, he will never change but its just not my problem anymore. He is not a bad dad but he was a rotten husband. Wishing you well, just take it one day at a time

soryy you have to go through this again.

I have been there and i would not wish it on anyone.

I suspect he is begging for another go because he is so scared of his future too without you and the family. But again it is for selfish reasons. He doesnt want to have to sort himself out - it is the easy option.

we have done a lot of counselling and i suspect you will too - either alone or together. I would sugest alone at first for you. You know you should never be treated the way you have (and he should have learned that too from last time).

If you do have him back - you will be saying its ok to treat me like that. But that is not to say you can not have a realationship with him still. it will just have to be different now.

one of the best things my counsellor said to me is to stay in the realationship only if it is good for me (that is not to say walk away at the first sign of trouble), but only if it overall makes me happy for the right reasons.

I dont think you are different from a lot of people who want the 'fairy-tale' marriage. But he obviously sees marriage very differently. But now he knows how much monogomy means he has the choice to either respct what you want or get out - his actions the second time have clearly shown you that he is not prepared/able to have a monogomous relationship. You have to ask yourself if you can live with that.

You can and will be happy again - but instead of putting your energies into making your h happy put them into yourself - it really is worth it.

Your h needs to decide if he can live by your rules now - this may be a habit of his and if he wants to give it up he can but HE NEEDS to want to himself.

so i would suggest you stop worring about the end of your marriage - the old vows are worthless now anyway. And work on what the new relationship is going to be with your h - is it going to be only father to your children or more - it is up to you now. And it is ok if you change your mind over time too.

Once you find how strong you are you will be able to live without your h and then you can have the choice of whether you want him in your life still. A good solicitor will also help you find the strengh to know you can do it alone if you have to.

Anyway - good luck with whatever you do and if you want to cat me.

What a tosser. So sorry you have found yourself in this position.

You did not ask to be put in this position. He chose to put you in this position without giving you any say in the matter. I can understand when people decide to move on and work things out after one affair.....but two??? I don't think I could forgive one, but there is no way I could forgive two.

You deserve to have a happy, monogamous marriage, it is NOT too much to ask for. It's what you agreed to when you got married and it's what you agreed to after the 1st affair, a second chance. He has not stuck to the rules. There needs to be consequences. The sheer effort you have went through to get over it first time and this is how he thanks you

Being without him will be hard at first, but you have a great support system around you, people who won't let you down. Make use of this as much as you need to. Save your love for a man who wants the same as you and who will treat you and your children with respect. He deserves no sympathy for this at all. He is not sad for the affair. He is sad because he got caught.

Can't imagine what you are going through

working through an affair is never easy and i know i would never do it again.
The only way my h is staying is on my terms and if he fucks up again then he is never going to get another chance.

He still tells me everyday how lucky he feels that i gave him that chance and that he will never do it again.

This was not your fault - but do you think he ever actually believed you when you said you would not forgive a second time? His actions say not.

I KNOW that i would be ok without him if he chose to destroy our relationship again. And he also knows that he would not get another chance. It is horrible that it took this to make us both know what we want, but i do think that until you know what you are prepared to take you will not feel you have control over your life.

I have a friend who on the second time booted her h out - he is a sorry shadow of himself and is still begging to come back 2 years later. She says she cannot ever take him back as she would be living her life 'waiting' for him to do it again and she is worth so much more than that. Everyone knows he would come back like a shot if she clicked her fingers, how strong is that?
It is sad actually as he has thrown away the best woman, she still feels sad for him - but also knows that she is better off without him.

I hope you find the strength that i know is inside you, and once you know you can do it alone you will be in a better place to decide what you want - take it slowly you do not have to make your mind up yet and dont let him pressure you into doing so.

oh MPP

You have had some great advice on here.

I just wanted to say that you can start again. My XH left me out of the blue 12 years ago (pretty sure he was having an affair with the woman he ended up living with a couple of months later).

I was devastated, angry, and didn't know what on earth the future held for me and DS1. I spent some time on my own, getting stronger, learning to be comfortable with myself.

I am now with a wonderful DH, and we have DS2 and DD. He makes me feel so much better than XH ever did.

You deserve more than him.

Another tale of a happy ending - I too thought I couldn't live without my STBXH - would never be happy, my dreams of a happy family and future in tatters - it has taken me a long time but have now met a NM who loves me accepts me my DC my past and baggage, and treats me with more care love and consideration than STBXH ever ever did - I have no idea what the future holds but don't take him back because you are scared of the future alone - take him back if YOU want to if you think it is worth it but for no other reason !

I think it is probably time to call it a day tbh.
Went t hrough similar many years ago with XH,he had numerous affairs during our short marriage.Have to say it nearly destroyed me,was only in my early 20's with young baby.
However,went on to meet DH,have 3 more DCS and live happily ever after
I n retrospect,it isn't just the sex,it is the betrayal of all your joint history.
I still cry if I seesimilar storylines on TV,despite realising many years ago that I was well rid of the bastard

MPP, so sorry to hear about this.

I saw this happen to my sister for 4 years, she suffered a lot, "separated" and got back together with him (what I counted around) 8 times. Exhausting for her, obviously, and for her little DS. This left her feeling worse every time it happened, lower self-steem and feeling she didn't deserve anything.

She finally separated for good and filed for divorce about 6 months ago. It's not easy, she's really young (25) with a 4yo son and she obviously felt scared of what would come for them, of how life would be alone, etc. Worst of all, she lives in a society (not the UK)that is pretty harsh on divorced women (still!)... but she's fighting, she's finishing uni, living with my parents for the moment until she can save for a place for her and DS... it's not easy but it's possible.

What I tried to say with this is that no one can tell you what is best for you to do, only you know what your limit is, only you can say "that's enough, no more"... I'm glad to hear you have the support of family and friends, that really really helps! Whatever you decide, try to think about yourself and the children first... And don't ever think this was your fault... ever

Hope this was of some help =)

MMP hope you're doing ok today

This must be so hard for you. I would be devastated. Look at all the options and get as much advice as possible is all I can offer advice wise.
So sorry this has happened after all the hard work that goes into getting over the first affair.

I know that I would not be able to get over a second one.

Good luck

No - i dont think you can recover from 2 affairs. Im just going through a similar thing. We had seperated - then after just over 2 years of being back together - i found out he had done it again. I kicked him out and am trying very hard not to look back. He will NEVER change. He blames me - again this will NEVER change. I decided i did not want to live the rest of my life like that. I deserve something better - my dd deserves better.
I think its time you looked at what you want, and if thats a happy life its time to kick him out.

I always assumed I would leave my hubby if he ever cheated on me but after everything we have been trough, I wouldn't.

However, in your situation whatever you might feel and be willing to do, it is pointless unless he is willing to face up to what he has done, be honest about the reasons why, and work damn hard to earn your trust and respect back as well as being a better father to your children.

I agree with Kerry, if there are two that you know of, this is a habit and there are probably several more. He won't stop if you try to repair your r'ship, it will be carte blanche to continue fucking around whenever a pretty little arse catches his eye.

Please stop thinking in terms of can we recover from it.

Its all about you now.

He has forfeited his right to be we.

can you carry on knowing he will have affairs, you will find out, he will say sorry, everything will be ok for a while and then he'll do it again?

Im sorry but I really think thats the only thing thats going to happen if you stay together.

Being hopeful here but there must be someone who has had 2 affairs and then fixed things and been a loyal spouse.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Really, every opinion is helpful to me, I just can't get to grips with how I'm feeling. I almost feel like I'm going mad, my head is so full at the moment.

I have thought that he has probably had more "encounters" than I'm aware of, and I have asked him to tell me everything now he's ruined it all, and he swears there have only been the 2 I know about. But then my heart drops because I realise I can't believe a word he says. The trust has completely gone. So I can ask him all sorts of questions and he sits ther giving me answers, but I just have no clue if what he is saying is the truth. I feel so sad for it all, my 11 yr marraige, my lovely children, our whole life, all changing because he's fucking stupid.