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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

it just makes me want to be sick

97 replies

SickSickSick · 11/04/2005 19:28

I went to put some of DHs clothes away for him and was greeted by pornographic magazines on the top of the drawer. I know this has been covered many times here on MN before but I just had to vent. DH knows I'm not into that kind of thing, but at the same time I wasn't bothered by it cos I've never had to deal with it til today. I went back up to get them and throw them in the bin and underneath them were 2 hardcore dvds. I left them all there and just went and had a good cry. Now I just feel physically sick. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him. I'm not very 'upfront' when it comes to sexual matters. I didn't think he was like that. I thought he loved me. I thought I was enough for him.

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 15:00

PMSL !!

motherinferior · 12/04/2005 15:02

But it would be in preference to mine. The particular sort of bodies selected for porn shots are very different from mine. If my partner selected them as his sexual choice, he would be making the point that my body's not good enough because it doesn't look like those.

Marina · 12/04/2005 15:03

Hear hear MI and Caligula. Sicksicksick said the stuff she found was hardcore. I'd feel sick if I found that kind of stuff in my home too. I'd want to talk to dh about how we both felt though.

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:06

No, not at all. if i used porn to wank and it was oh a bear chested man with a six pack, well that's what I would expect and i used that as my fantasy, get that word fantasy, it doesn't mean I would want some fake tanned, plastic bloke in place of my pot bellied DP, i love him the way he is, but it's not the body I'd use to have some lustful fantasy about.

I dreamt of Robbie Williams the other day, it was a saucy dream, doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my DP.

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 15:06

PsychoFlame · 12/04/2005 15:06

I found my husband's stash when we were moving house. Him desperately trying to persuade me that he could do his own drawers... and me knowing his packing skills insisted otherwise!

Found them... and burst out laughing, and then insisted on looking at them with him, all the while commenting on how much better looking I was than them . And he slowly died and cringed with embarrassment... Hasn't bought them since to my knowledge, and my way of thinking is as long as I don't know, I don't care!!! At the end of the day, I fantasise over George Clooney and Brad Pitt....

Psycho
xxx

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:08

Fantastic physo. It's great that you were able to laugh and look at them together. That's not a dig at anyone else that doesn't have the same attitude though.

Njata · 12/04/2005 15:09

If you object to his looking at pictures of other women, why not have a photo session where he takes adult pictures of you, then they are his property and he can look at them whenever he feels the need? Men are visual creatures and I am afraid there is no getting away from that!

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:09

Sorry I meant Psycho, I'm more used to typing physio!

PsychoFlame · 12/04/2005 15:11

I have a crazy possesive jealous streak, but tbh it really wouldn't bother me if Boy had porn (kept out of DD's reach)... drives me nuts that he has no interest in other women (beautiful film ladies, or even a glance a hoooooooge boobies in the street) - he doesn't even notice them, and I feel mean for noticing other pretty men!!!

Disturbingly hardcore with animals or poo or something would upset me though....

Flame

xxx

motherinferior · 12/04/2005 15:13

ThomCat, women spend their lives being bombarded by images of bodies that their own don't match up to. It's hard enough, under those circumstances, to conceive of one's own body being acceptable at all. If I found that my partner was actually using those mainstream images as his marker of sexual attractiveness, what confidence I have built up about my body - in defiance of the accepted ideas of pin-thin glossy desirability - would completely crumble. How could it not?

Jimjams · 12/04/2005 15:14

PMSL @ TC's "unless you are happy to lie on the bed naked for him, while he has a wank, chewing on a fake figernail with backcombed hair!"

TBH I think most porn is rather sad in an amusing way than terrible. A reflection of the simplicity of lots of men (duur naken woman- doing!) I haven't seen any really nasty stuff though.

Talk to him about it SSS- say it makes you uncomfortable and take it from there.

Jimjams · 12/04/2005 15:15

BUt most of the porn models are pig ugly! I find the mainstream keeping their kit on ones far more attractive and toough to measure up to.

Bozza · 12/04/2005 15:19

Don't think I would want to match up to a porn star - all that hair removal and orangifying of skin.

Nickster · 12/04/2005 15:19

Gosh, This is really spiralling out of control but some comments are really making me laugh!

Its funny how some people are so different. No worries NomDePlume.

Bozza · 12/04/2005 15:20

Crossposted jimjams - same opinion really. Am fairly sure DH would be horrified if I started trying to look like a porn star.

Nickster · 12/04/2005 15:23

Sicksicksick,

What are your thoughts on all the comments? Are you still feeling really down?

Dophus · 12/04/2005 15:29

I've been here as well.

It's a relief it wasn;t just my DP misbehaving. I was also hurt and upset particularly as our sex life was suffering at the time.

He was embarrassed. I always had meant to leave some womans porn and a dildo around to see if he would get why I was pissed off. Never did though.

Jimjams · 12/04/2005 15:31

Can you imagine having to talk with that stupid pounty expression all the time as well, whilst licking your lips every 30 seconds. Dh would wonder what was wrong with me. "are you ill dear? sit down and I'll bring you a cup of tea!"

Original poster

SickSickSick · 12/04/2005 15:45

well im glad i have some use even if its only to make you all laugh at me and saying im overreacting

i have battled with eating disorders for years and personally the thought of him lokking at another womans body makes me feel fat, ugly and horrible.

I still feel totally down. Even more so now after some of the comments

OP posts:

bundle · 12/04/2005 15:47

sicksicksick, there are quite a lot of people who aren't laughing
i totally agree with motherinferior

Marina · 12/04/2005 15:47

Sicksicksick, please don't feel down
Several of us posted to say we understood a little of how you felt, and would have reacted the same.

mummytosteven · 12/04/2005 15:47

it's not all of us.
I think it's fair to say that at the very least MI, Caligula,Marina and myself all feel you are perfectly justified in wanting your DP/DH not to use porn.

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:48

MI, yes women are constantly made to feel they have to defend their right to have a pot belly, bingo wings etc, yes we are made to look at skinny airbrushed women every time we open any mag, not just a porn one, and on tv ads, billboards, shop windows. That's life, and they are the sort of women who sell mags. Readers Wives circulation figures are a lot less than Fiesta or Knave or whatever. It's all about the airbrushing, it's not real, fake, fake fake, from their boobs to theri hair the whole picture is fake. it's a thing of fantasy and not a marker of sexual attractiveness.
If your confidence is going to crumble at images of pin-thin glossy desirability how do you ever open any mag, or walk down every street where people use the airbrushed image of these pin-thin women to sell everything, clothes, deodrant, cars, and so on. That pisses me off more than a porn amg, a half naked women being used to sell something she is completley unconnected to. Anyway I digress.

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:50

Who is laughing?????
I think most views, whilst not always the same as yours have still been understanding, unless I missed something?????

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