it just makes me want to be sick

[SickSickSick]

I went to put some of DHs clothes away for him and was greeted by pornographic magazines on the top of the drawer. I know this has been covered many times here on MN before but I just had to vent. DH knows I'm not into that kind of thing, but at the same time I wasn't bothered by it cos I've never had to deal with it til today. I went back up to get them and throw them in the bin and underneath them were 2 hardcore dvds. I left them all there and just went and had a good cry. Now I just feel physically sick. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him. I'm not very 'upfront' when it comes to sexual matters. I didn't think he was like that. I thought he loved me. I thought I was enough for him.

I understand how you feel
It helped me to hear how widespread this is (not just dp being weird) and there were some useful comments from male mnetters on another thread
Still don't understand it, but feel less threatened by it

And when nondeplumbe posted about the same subject, as she has mentioned, and felt the same as you she came away with different views on her DH becasue of mumsnetters comments.

If the topic of porn got a bit more lighthearted in areas it doesn't mean people are laughing at you.

At the end of the day, who did he choose to marry and have children with?

I'm not laughing at you ( I said- talk to your dh- take it from there- that's the only bit I directed at you- and if you tell him you hate the stuff he may agree without any fuss to not bring it inot the home anymore), I'm laughing at porn stars. Like wild I don't understand how anyone could find it attractive, amusing and a bit sad yes, but arousing, god no.

it really isnt about looks
some of dp's sites were for the more mature readers's wives types
that wound me up for opposite reasons
I look alright and he goes out for a 'burger'

TC, I'm not particularly hog-whimpering wild about most glossy images - although actually women's mags don't distress me that much; but what I don't like, as I've said before, is the idea that my body isn't good enough for someone who's seen it naked, and that they would rather have - or have in addition, if you prefer - a skinny airbrushed woman. Like SSS, it makes me feel fat, ugly and horrible.

No offence by laughing on this thread, but wild, that did actually make me laugh, sorry!

Sorry sss - feel guilty now about trivialising your thread. Have you decided what, if anything, you plan to do about this?

MI, so would you rather you DH looked at 'mature' women like wild's DH?! You don't have to answer that, and I'm being lighthearted that's all.

At the end of the day if my DP decided to use porn to wank I would understand and I would also understand that it would probaly be pictures of your typical fake, plastic fantastic porn star. I wouldn't feel threatened by that, but that's just me and I'm not saying anyone is wrong for not feeling the same way.

Can't bleedin' win ThomCat
thought the hog whimpering adjective applied to me for a mo there MotherInferior

I feel exactly the same as SSS! I am lucky enough to know my dp does not bring porn into my house and if he looks at it elsewhere what i dont know wont hurt! But he respects the way i feel about it and has said he does not need to bother looking at that cheap crap as he has me

SSS i would either chat with your dh about it or take the magazines and throw them in the bin and snap the dvd's. Then i am sure he will get the msg!

I think everyone feels different about this subject and i believe no one is in the wrong or right! Its just personal preference and mine is porn is banned and i am lucky that dp agrees!

I would feel a bit sick too. I think its yucky.

SSS, appreciate how you are feeling but perhaps the only way you're gonna get over this is to confront him and ask him NOT to bring them home again, or, do as someone suggested, replace them with parenting magazines.

SSS, remember the old adage "99% of men wank, the other 1% are liars". Men are programmed differently to us and concentrate on their genitals rather than their brains and the emotional side of sex.

I recently asked DH NOT to look at mild porn internet sites (with titles such as cliterati, and razzle) after I'd gone to bed, and he sheepishly agreed.

I'm with MI and Caligula on this. I don't like porn and I don't think it would be ok for my dp to use it. SSS, sorry this has happened, I'm not laughing either and I don't think you're over reacting.

Message withdrawn

Years ago when me and dh had just got married i found his porn and like sick felt awful. I thought i wasnt good enough or that he prefered them to me and i chucked them away and cried my eyes out . We talked about it and he apoligised. Now days, he does have porn and i dont mind that he looks at it occassionally, ussually when i'm with him. He says i ruin it for him though by pointing out things and giggling "look at the state of that" or "they are sooo fake" I think the noveltys worn off them now and they're collecting dust in his brief case. I do get upset though if he looks at them in secret and he's so dumb that he doesnt even cover his tracks. He left my nightie half shut in the case! I asked him if he'd been looking at his mags and he looked me straight in the eye and said no. he did eventually confess when he realised that i knew the truth. What hurt was that he could so easily lie to me and if i hadnt of known better id have believed him

I would just say, don't throw the stuff out or deface it until you have spoken to dh. Men - who are wierd- lend each other these type of things.

If he knows how you feel about it, and he didn't manage to hide it very well I suspect that it was new to the house. Maybe one of his mates offered to lend him the stash and he didn't feel able to refuse without being thought to be "under the thumb".

SSS, if you are still here. No-one is laughing at you. I totally appreciate how awful it feels having this stuff in the house and why you were so upset by it.

Message withdrawn

My dw and I have porn in the house but that's our choice. If SSS feels so strongly about this then her dh should respect her feelings and get rid. End of.

Sicksicksick, I am so sorry that you feel so sad about this, but it really isn't worth falling apart over.
Men like women, they like looking at them - it is very natural for them. However, they don't love the women they look at in porn. If you don't want porn in the house that you share together then you should explain that to your dh, but at the same time you do need to recognise that this is something your dh may enjoy & you are just pushing it underground.
I honestly believe it is not something you should feel threatened by. I don't think any man ever left his wife because he looked at porn.

Honestly I am quite surprised at some of the replies here. Porn portrays women as bodies, not whole people. It degrades women. It is woman hating material. I can totally understand why SSS is so upset. I suggested earlier that she insert some pictures of herself in the mags and I was dead serious - might make her partner think again about exactly what he is looking at and why.