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Original poster

it just makes me want to be sick

97 replies

SickSickSick · 11/04/2005 19:28

I went to put some of DHs clothes away for him and was greeted by pornographic magazines on the top of the drawer. I know this has been covered many times here on MN before but I just had to vent. DH knows I'm not into that kind of thing, but at the same time I wasn't bothered by it cos I've never had to deal with it til today. I went back up to get them and throw them in the bin and underneath them were 2 hardcore dvds. I left them all there and just went and had a good cry. Now I just feel physically sick. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him. I'm not very 'upfront' when it comes to sexual matters. I didn't think he was like that. I thought he loved me. I thought I was enough for him.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/04/2005 14:21

Sicksicksick: I'm so sorry you feel this way and you are feeling so upset.

Masturbation is part of LOTS of people's sex lives and does not mean that they don't love their partners or have fulfilling sexual lives with their partners. Lots of people find masturbation a helpful way of expressing and enjoying their sexuality, alongside their own sex life.

Are you upset that your DH masturbates, or that he uses pornography as an aid to this? If it is the latter, what exactly is it that you object to?

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 14:23

Nickster - aren't you Dadslib ?

I thin kthe point you make about SickSickSick's kids needing to learn about the birds and the bees is laughable ! Porn is not the way for kids to learn about sex.

morningpaper · 12/04/2005 14:23

Mummytosteven: Would you mind at all if you found a life-like vibrating penetratable 'pussy' in your husband's wardrobe? (Just food for thought...)

cod · 12/04/2005 14:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
SickSickSick · 12/04/2005 14:24

i object to the pornography. its vile. and to the fact that there is a chance that my children will find it. they are far too young to be subjected to this kind of thing.

OP posts:
sculley · 12/04/2005 14:26

I wondered if nickster was sicksicksick's dh the way he is defending the porn!!

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 14:27

MTS, re the porn vs vibrator.....

Most men who watch porn are not looking at the faces or personalities of these people. they are looking at the genitals, it's not personal. Characters in porn movies are not 'RL' they are a figment of the directors & actors imaginatons. They are no more real than the scenario you may create in your own head when using your vibrator.

elsmommy · 12/04/2005 14:28

I hate my dp watchin porn but I love my rampent rabbit..........

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 14:30

No I don't see the difference in men using a mag and a woman using a vibrator, not really, they are just aids. Becasue you're looking at a woman with big boobs and open legs doesn't mean you want her, same as if you use a plastic vibrator it doesn't mean you prefer plastic to the real thing.

The way i see it it's his body so his right to masterbate and his right to choose how to do that. It's a private personal thing. It's just pictures of ugly, fake naked birds and millions of men look at this pics. They use them to help men get sperm samples, why give them out if it wasn't a useful and normal masterbation aid?!

I'm sorry this is upsetting you so much though sick and hope you can resolve it.

Original poster
SickSickSick · 12/04/2005 14:33

im not saying that he hasnt got the right to do it. just he has obviously no respect for my wishes or the fact that he could be subjecting his children to something they shouldnt see

OP posts:
Original poster
SickSickSick · 12/04/2005 14:34

FWIW i dont own a vibrator either or even think about doing anything else.

OP posts:
elsmommy · 12/04/2005 14:34

Sicksicksick - Throw the mags, snap the dvds and put them back in the draw. He'll know you've done it and he might get the point and bring no more into your home.

lockets · 12/04/2005 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummytosteven · 12/04/2005 14:38

mp - erm dunno, you've got me thinking on that one.

anyway moving off the double standards vibrator/porn issue, I do think that if SickSickSick feels that strongly, then her DH should respect that. I don't think it's a case of SickSickSick having to conform to any external standard of reasonableness - if she feels that strongly, she feels that strongly, end of story.

Nickster · 12/04/2005 14:41

Nicksters actually a female 8 months pregnant. When i found some rather strange things in my dads cupboard when i was a small kid i didn't think he was a sicko, nor did i really like it for him. However, i wan;t to be as open and honest with my children when they get older.

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 14:44

"just he has obviously no respect for my wishes or the fact that he could be subjecting his children to something they shouldnt see"

What about his wishes ? Is it ok for you to 'disrespect' his private, personal needs ?

Do your children frequently go through Daddy's drawers ? I know when I was a child my parent's room was out of bounds unless I had express permission, that is the case in my house.

Perhaps it would be better to talk it through with DH and try to reach a compromise. If he is ok with getting rid of the visual porn given that it upsets you so very much then it goes and that's that. If he feels that it is unfair of you to 'censor' him by removing the material then maybe you can arrange for it to be put high up, say in a box in the top of the wardrobe or something where the children will not happen upon it by accident ?

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 14:45
ThomCat · 12/04/2005 14:46

No your kids shouldn't find stuff like that. Althought I found my parents joy of sex book and some mags and it did me no harm. However I'm not condoning his leaving them around and I understand you are upset.

You need to talk to him, tell him how upset you are or how will he know how much he's hurt you. Only by talking will you understand each other.

You say you can't confront him, well in that case are you absolutley sure he knows how much this will have upset you abd how anti porn you are and also why does it have to be 'confronting' him, Sit down calmly with a glass of wine each and gently explain what you are feeling and discuss it.

Bozza · 12/04/2005 14:46

Don't think it is really suitable for young children to see porn. But think that is really not the point. I know my DH has some mags and I know where they are (in the top of the wardrobe in a mag file facing the wall) and that my children could no way get at them. But I think sick would not be happy with this arrangement.

So the point is should sick respect his wish to use legal porn in private, or should he respect her wish from him not to do so?

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 14:54

Personally, I think she should respect his method of masterbating, but that's just me.

He should however go to great lengths to keep them somewhere they will not be found, by children, or his wife and keep this private, which is exactly what it is.

There's no harm in asking if he would mind not using porn as it upsets you so much and if hes happy to use his imagination rather than actual pictures then great. You would be able to stop him imagining what he wants to in his fantasies and you won't be able to stop him masterbating.

Caligula · 12/04/2005 14:54

I really don't buy this idea that porn is a personal "need". If women weren't prepared to do porn shoots for money, how would men with these "needs" manage then?

How come men "need" to look at pictures of women with gormless looks on their faces and no hair on their fannies? Most human beings in the world manage to bring themselves to orgasm by the age of 13 without any help at all. How is it that there is a group of them on earth who need airbrushed pictures to help them? How did men in Mediaeval times manage without porn? How do men in tribal societies manage? Do they never have any orgasms?

Purleeze.

SSS, I agree with ThomCat - you just need to talk to you DH about this.

NomDePlume · 12/04/2005 14:54
ThomCat · 12/04/2005 14:55

Sorry that should be you will NOT be able to stop him imagining what he likes.

You can throw the mags away but he'll still use images that you won't approve of in his mind..... so he may as well keep the mags???

motherinferior · 12/04/2005 14:56

I'm with Caligula. And no, actually, I would not feel happy with my partner looking at another woman's body in preference to mine.

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 15:00

But it's not in preference to your body, it's just something to take into the bathroom with him, unless you are happy to lie on the bed naked for him, while he has a wank, chewing on a fake figernail with backcombed hair!

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