Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should my partner help with the bills if i have 2 children from previous relationship?

132 replies

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 18:42

my partner moved almost 100 miles to be with me in april last year. But since they he has contributed almost nothing to the house. The aol, phone bill, rent, shopping ( he will pop to the shop from time to time, n get some milk etc) sky bill, ive paid everything, i have 2 children from a previous relationship also. He is a lovely, moral onest person, and we have never so much as swore at each other, we dont argue, n he truely is the most thoughtful loving partner anyone could hope for. Apart from this one thing, he has a good job, and up until september last year i also had a very good job. But it is seasonal, and i wont be back there until may. So have been claiming benifits foor me and my children since. He is aware of my money troubles, just before xmas my car died, and i have not been able to buy a new one because of all the bills. I wrote him a letter 2 weeks ago explaining that i think its wrong he doesnt contribute anything to the house, and the fact had he of helped me, i would not have used my saving for the bills, and therefore would still have a car.it also said i thought he had taken advantage of my good nature, and that i thought we should split. i chose to write a letter rather than confront him because he is not an arguementive person, the next morning, he had left me a note saying he would find somewhere else to live in that week, and he is still here, we havent spoken about the letters, however, i will not sleep in the same bed as him. Im pregnant at the moment, and am dreading it if we split, because of the baby. Well not just because of the baby but because, i know this money thing makes him sound selfish, but he truely is one of the most thoughtful ppl ive ever met.
am i being unreasonable?
When he 1st moved here he gave me his cash card and number and said help yourself, to which i replied no i dont want your card.
In the last two weeks since the letters, its been unbearable, we do all we can to avoid each other, when my kids are not here. when they are, we are civil, and dont cause an atomsphere. Today kids went to thier dads, and for most of the day he sat upstair, and i was downstairs, we smoke outside, preparing for the baby, so other than a needless conversation about the weather, while we have been smoking, its been utter silence, this afternoon i was at breaking point with the atomsphere, and was quite teary for an hour or so, he was upstairs unaware. I want to sat something, i dont know what, but dont want to just approach him out of nowhere, in the way that he didnt see it coming, and in a way that e doesnt think its my hormones, but geniunly how i feel?, yanno i feel at mo, i could watch him pack his stuff, id be upset, but almost releieved, purely because the last 2 weeks of poite conversation, and virtual ignoring of each other will stop

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 18:45

he's not a partner, he's a freeloading mooch.

he's living in YOUR house, rent and bill free.

your having two children makes no difference, if you took in a lodger he'd have to pay rent and bills, no?

don't let this chap sponge off you and make you uncomfortable in your own home.

give this squatter his notice.

btw, thoughtful people help out their partner.

moondog · 07/02/2009 18:46

Are you pregnant by him?

GossipMonger · 07/02/2009 18:47

Why not go upstairs, give him a hug and say,

'DP, this is all a bit daft, isnt it? You love me, I love you, we are having a baby together.......shall we have a chat and sort this out?'

I dont want to be rude but you sound very young. If you are in a committed relationship then you dont write notes to your DP in the way you did. He cannot sponge off you if he has a good job and you are claiming benefits. Also, if he is living with you then you probably cant even claim benefits can you? Dont they take into account that you have a DP?? and adjust your benefits accordingly.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 18:47

how very bizarre

that you felt unable to talk openly to him , that you had to write a letter

and he plainly missed the point

sounds like you would be better off iwthout him

a truly lovely , moral and honest person would not be freeloading off anyone, never mind a single mother of 2/.

surely, you are partners, in it together, and if you need money for essentials, and he is living in your home, rent free, he can contribute somehow

he might not be argumentative, but he runs away from adult responsibilities pretty damn quick

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 07/02/2009 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 18:48

sorry, i missed the pregnant part.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 18:48

also, if he wnats to be a good father, he does not run at the first hint of an adult conversation about money

bamboostalks · 07/02/2009 18:51

In typical mumsnet fashion, I'll ignore the pertinent issues and would question why you are smoking when pregnant. I'm sure you know that it can have devastating consequences for your ubborn child.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 18:53

Are you on the type of benefits where you have to declare that you have a partner living with you? If so, have you?

And he should certainly be contributing to the household. he lives there doesn't he? He eats the food?

I don't think there's a problem with writing a letter if you need to communicate your feelings and find it hard to say it without getting upset, or you want the other person to take time to consider what you have said.

I think him contributing or moving out is a good idea.

Re the smoking outside - is that something you would like help with? There are resources available if that's something you need.

Ivykaty44 · 07/02/2009 18:54

He is living in your home and making the atmosphere terrible, not the actions of a thoughtful person.

Of course he offered you his cash card - he has nothing to take, he wants to share what you have.

He is selfish and selfish people don't come as selfish thoughtful people, the two dont go together.

He now knows that he cant freeload off you as you dont like it, so he sulking and thus causing an atmosphere.

Tell him he either starts talking or he leaves Monday and goes back to whre he came from or gets a jog and starts mucking in with the household.

sayithowitis · 07/02/2009 19:01

But when he came to live with you he offerred you his cash card ( and therefore, by implication money towards the housekeeping etc) and you turned him down! Is it possible he thought you didn't want him to contribute? I actually think he should do so, but it does sound as though he could now be feeling embarrassed about a misunderstanding. Also, in your letter you told him you should split so I wonder if he thinks there is no point in discussing the mney now? I think you need todecide whether you want him and his money or not and then sort it out. You also seriously need to think about what smoking is doing to your unborn baby!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 19:04

Yes, don't want to bang on about it, but you smoking outside to 'prepare for the baby' is a bit pointless when you are pregnant with that baby, cos it's outside with you!

If you do want some help, I am sure there are lots of places folks can link for you.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:04

actually, you both sound like poor communicators which is a bad thing in general

you both seem unable to talk and say what you wnat, what your expectations are and where you want your relationship to go

it is amazing you would get pregnant, but not have talked about financial commitments first

DesperateHousewifeToo · 07/02/2009 19:10

You and your children come as a package, he should share all the household bills.

Talk about it, give him a written breakdown of all the household bills and decide who will pay what.

Why do you have sky if you are having money troubles?

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:17

i can see how we both would look immature, and even childish. But we really are not, im 28 and he is 32. We do get on really well bar this.We talk about everything together, except this one thing, its just one of those subjects we have never discussed. For birthdays and stuff he goes overboard with the gifts, and tried for over 3 months to get me the mobile i wanted, but it had been out of stock everywhere, eventually he got it online for me.Please no bad thoughts and worries about the baby in this circumstances, my daughter and son, are the happiest children you could met, have lots of friends, and are showered with love and affection, so whatever happens in this relationship, baby will be just as happy, as loved as my other 2.

OP posts:
welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:20

whether i have SKY or not, is not really anything to do with it is it? and if you must know, my son loves wrestling, and he doesnt get pocket money, his goes on the sky bill, he is only 5, and id rather him spend the money he may have on something other than rotten teeth from sweets all the time

OP posts:
NAB09 · 07/02/2009 19:21

Your partner should help with money towards everything to do with the house that he uses and the children's father should be providing for his children.

How far gone are you?

Have you spoken to each other today?

I can see why you say you are smoking outside to prepare for the baby but you know you have to pack that in for the child's sake. You will also have more money when you are not setting fire to it. There are plenty of people who can help you quit.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:21

it is kind of a big issue.

and it is immature to say you will split over it if you don't mean it

with the best will in the world, financial securty and stability needs discussing, when you have children

the fact you can;t discuss it , is a bad sign

especially as you have a 3rd child on the way

what do you want people to say?

buying big gifts does not put food on the table, nappies on your baby or clothes on your children

what is the plan when you are unable to work du e to being heavily pregnant.. and i preusme you will have maternity leave?

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:26

the plan is im 29 weeks pregnant now, due april 25th, i shall be going back to work part time, in the middle of may, im not lazy and bar being pregnant have worked since i was 17

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 07/02/2009 19:27

you both need to grow up.
why on earth would you write letters to someone you live with?

he should be paying something towards housekeep and his attitude of wanting to move out because he has bneen asked is wrong.

agree with bamboo too. why still smoke and why on earthd o you feel its better for the baby just cos you do it outside?

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:28

and how will he be contributing financially?
if you go 2 weeks over your due date, you will be going to work ,leaving a two week old at home.. you will still be bleeding post birht and your hormone levels will be all over the place. if you have c.s, tehre is no way you should return to work so quickly

no-one said oyu were lazy

surely it would be far better for him to support you all financially for a few weeks, so you can recover from the birth

it sounds like a plan that benefits him, not you or the baby

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 19:30

Have to disagree about the letters - sometimes writing down how you feel and giving it to the other person to digest (as in read and consider, not as in eat ) can be a very good thing.

Kimi · 07/02/2009 19:32

If he is your partner and living in your house why are you claiming benefits?
Why are you smoking when pregnant?
And why are you writing notes to each other like a pair of 15 year olds?
Tell him he needs to grow up and be a dad and an adult and that means paying for things

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:32

this is my plan not his, i shall be going back part time because i chose, and it is so soon after the birth because a friend has to cover my shifts from the start of the season until i return, else someone else wil have my job,

OP posts:
welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:34

Why do i feel like im being attacked?

OP posts: