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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should my partner help with the bills if i have 2 children from previous relationship?

132 replies

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 18:42

my partner moved almost 100 miles to be with me in april last year. But since they he has contributed almost nothing to the house. The aol, phone bill, rent, shopping ( he will pop to the shop from time to time, n get some milk etc) sky bill, ive paid everything, i have 2 children from a previous relationship also. He is a lovely, moral onest person, and we have never so much as swore at each other, we dont argue, n he truely is the most thoughtful loving partner anyone could hope for. Apart from this one thing, he has a good job, and up until september last year i also had a very good job. But it is seasonal, and i wont be back there until may. So have been claiming benifits foor me and my children since. He is aware of my money troubles, just before xmas my car died, and i have not been able to buy a new one because of all the bills. I wrote him a letter 2 weeks ago explaining that i think its wrong he doesnt contribute anything to the house, and the fact had he of helped me, i would not have used my saving for the bills, and therefore would still have a car.it also said i thought he had taken advantage of my good nature, and that i thought we should split. i chose to write a letter rather than confront him because he is not an arguementive person, the next morning, he had left me a note saying he would find somewhere else to live in that week, and he is still here, we havent spoken about the letters, however, i will not sleep in the same bed as him. Im pregnant at the moment, and am dreading it if we split, because of the baby. Well not just because of the baby but because, i know this money thing makes him sound selfish, but he truely is one of the most thoughtful ppl ive ever met.
am i being unreasonable?
When he 1st moved here he gave me his cash card and number and said help yourself, to which i replied no i dont want your card.
In the last two weeks since the letters, its been unbearable, we do all we can to avoid each other, when my kids are not here. when they are, we are civil, and dont cause an atomsphere. Today kids went to thier dads, and for most of the day he sat upstair, and i was downstairs, we smoke outside, preparing for the baby, so other than a needless conversation about the weather, while we have been smoking, its been utter silence, this afternoon i was at breaking point with the atomsphere, and was quite teary for an hour or so, he was upstairs unaware. I want to sat something, i dont know what, but dont want to just approach him out of nowhere, in the way that he didnt see it coming, and in a way that e doesnt think its my hormones, but geniunly how i feel?, yanno i feel at mo, i could watch him pack his stuff, id be upset, but almost releieved, purely because the last 2 weeks of poite conversation, and virtual ignoring of each other will stop

OP posts:
welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 23:16

and please elaborate, what does a vulnerable person appear to you like stewiegriffinsmom? Not the sort of person who is heavily pregnant, hasnt receieved a penny off a live in partner for almost a year, claiming benefits when she knows she could get in big trouble for it, however its the only income she has for her 2 children? the sort of person who would allow, through maybe a lack of communication, or even her partners a selfish git a male to do that to her? because if a friend was going through this, whether she is 16 or 55 i would say she is vulnerable

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 07/02/2009 23:17

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welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 23:21

stewie, never mind getting caught, i really dont want to be doing this, this is what im saying, im not someone who doesnt care about the law, i do care, and i am scared.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2009 23:22

could you use this fear to gain the courage to have a proper talk with him?

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/02/2009 23:23

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Molesworth · 07/02/2009 23:30

Blimey.

Doesn't it make your blood boil that your partner doesn't pay his way and sits by while you struggle on benefits WB?

That is unforgivable imo.

I think you've got to have it out with him ASAP and if he won't pay his way, he should bugger off. At least then you won't get done for benefit fraud (no condemnation from here for that - you've had little choice really).

NotPlayingAnyMore · 07/02/2009 23:34

It's really black and white to me:

  1. If you're not going to stop claiming benefits your partner has to leave.
    DWP aren't going to wait for you to "sit down and talk to your partner", let alone for him to take any action upon it.
    If you think he'll actively resist it then it becomes more of a domestic issue which you can seek further advice upon.

  2. Stop smoking (and you could give the money you save to your son to replace his pocket money while you're at it)

These answers have been posted repeatedly in this thread - we can't help someone who won't help themselves WB

onadietcokebreak · 07/02/2009 23:51

Agree with notplayinganymore.

I work in benefits, Can't stand benefit criminals. You could end up with a jail sentence or criminal record. You should have sorted out money and how you would work things out before he moved in. It is not fair to expect the taxpayer to pick up your bill when he should be supporting you. Simple as that really, suggest you ring on monday and tell them your partner has moved in or you will get caught.

Molesworth · 07/02/2009 23:56

"Can't stand benefit criminals."

This makes my blood boil when white collar crime to the tune of billions goes unpunished and unstigmatized by means of TV adverts and so on.

Yes, WB's partner should be paying his way or he should leave and WB needs to sort this out as soon as possible before she gets caught (only likely to happen if someone 'grasses her up', but still a risk not worth taking). The fact is that she will be branded a criminal and a thief if she gets caught, or even on this thread. But I'm sick of living in a society where it's OK to attack the poor but leave the rich to do what the hell they like.

beanieb · 07/02/2009 23:56

"i beleive everyone is using this thread to let off steam and voice political views regarding, the really bad benefit frauds" not me,

what is your opinion on the advice I gave?

onadietcokebreak · 07/02/2009 23:57

And by the way you said you were a single mum but you aren't a single mum....you have a partner living with you regardless of whether he is the father of your children. You have no condition of entitlement to Income Support.

Claim Working familys tax credit and Child tax credits as a family.

cat64 · 08/02/2009 00:03

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jemart · 08/02/2009 00:09

Have a proper talk with your partner, you are a family now and you have got to be able to communicate and work together for the common good. Make some decisions as a couple. Writing it all down can help you get things straight in your head but the issues you are trying to tackle here need to be confronted head on.

onadietcokebreak · 08/02/2009 00:13

Cat64

I think you have summed up what I wanted to say perfectly. I was just so ranting over the fact she thought it was ok to claim benefits in lieu of talking to her partner and sorting the money situation out.

To allow someone to move in without discussing money is irresponsible even more so when she has two children to support.

onadietcokebreak · 08/02/2009 08:30

I have read over this thread again and I a few things aren't ringing true for example the maintenance rules for Income Support changed on October 27th. She would receive an additional £20 per week, I think she is a troll

cory · 08/02/2009 09:37

Morally I can understand Welshbyrd very well. She is unable to get money out of her partner, she has young children who need to eat, so she gets the money fraudulently since there is no other way she can get it. I can understand that.

The person I can not understand is her partner, who is forcing this vulnerable mother into this risky position. Does he realise the implications for her?

If he does not, then the moral ball is back in your camp, Welshbyrd- you have to tell him that he is putting your whole family at risk and that if he does not either leave or contribute, he risks ruining you all.

Lulumama · 08/02/2009 10:55

i hope the OP has taken all this on board and takes steps to end this situation

for all she knows, she is under investigation anyway.

for all she knows a nasty neighbour or work colleague or 'friend' has reported her

I don;t undersand someone who would have their partner move in with them, get pregnant and not discuss finances properly first

and WB has still not said how her DP is going to contribue to their mutual child

it is nothing ot do with ranting about those on benefits, it is to do with a partner deliberaltey allowing the mother of his child to put herself at risk of going to prison or at least a big fine

and she is also allowing it to continue

i said earlier there were two choices, we can carry on going round in circles, or the OP takes on of the choices

the only 3rd option is to carry on and risk prosecution

sayithowitis · 08/02/2009 14:37

But Cory, she has already said that when he offerred her his card and number, she turned it down! The next time she appears to have mentioned money to him is when she wrote the letter telling him he had taken advantage of her good nature and that they shouldsplit up. If she wants him to contribute, she has to tell him so and arrange the exact details, rather than what seems so far to have been expecting him to realise that suddenly she does want his money after all. I don't see that he has forced her into any position. Has she even told him she is claiming benefits? If her money goes straight into the bank he may have reason to think that she has accumulated enough from her seasonal job to see her through? FWIW, I do think he should contribute, but it really does seem to me that WB has given him very contradictory messages about her finances from the start. If she wants to continue the relationship, she should tell him and sort out the money, instead of telling him that she doesn't want his money and then telling him they should split up when he doesn't give her what she told him she didn't want!

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 15:30

I agree cory - mixed messages from the OP, but he was all too keen to accept them, IMHO.
I just wonder if he was testing the water with his kind offer?

welshbyrd · 09/02/2009 12:10

i would like to thank all the useful comments and advice i recieved, last night, my partner and i finally spoke about this whole situation. He like me was aware of the situation, and like me didnt know where to start on resolving it. He was distraght at seeing how upset this whole situation had made me. He didnt want to split up.
Many of you suggested, by him offering me his cash card in the beginning, and my refusal of it, we were both in a situation, we felt we couldnt speak to each other about.
(I didnt take his cash card, because my sister bleeds her husband dry, so much so, if she sends him up to the shop for something out of him money, she will count the change on his return, and my fear of being like her, sent alarm bells ringing and made me clam up)
We have just returned this morning from the local DSS office, and i happy to say that we have applied for working tax credits, and have stopped my ongoing income support claim. The advice i had which was negative, the comments that implied i would go to jail for benefit theift which was discussed between you as scare tackticks, also the comment that i was a troll, were not very useful, and didnt not have the desired effect, to a already vunerable, stressed, tearful, heavy pregnant mother of 2, who was petrified and already aware of the situation she was in.All you managed to do was make me feel worse than i already did.

OP posts:
Peachy · 09/02/2009 12:20

wb well doone on sorting it all out

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 12:22

Thats great to hear, well done. Will you be better off now? You should get ALL your maintenance now too.

idobelieveinfairies · 09/02/2009 12:39

Well done WB....I am gald you managed to get it all cleared up with your DP..i bet you are feeling a lot happier about what is to come now eh!

Good Luck

Lulumama · 09/02/2009 12:42

i am glad you are addressing things

am sorry if you felt that the consequences of benefit fraud being pointed out to you were nasty scare tactics.. but that is the reality

bear in mind lots of people also lurk on MN and don;t post but are reading stuff.. it is useful for people to know what consequences certain things carry.. no good saying, never mind, it will be ok ...

the best thing is you and your DP are now communicating

i hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

welshbyrd · 09/02/2009 12:48

yes dropdeadfred, not including paying child school meals, we shall be about £73 per week better off, i will start getting maintence back, which shall be paying for the school dinners ect.
I feel mega refreshed and almosts on top of the world, and releived with everything out in the open now
Thanks for the welldone posts x

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