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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should my partner help with the bills if i have 2 children from previous relationship?

132 replies

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 18:42

my partner moved almost 100 miles to be with me in april last year. But since they he has contributed almost nothing to the house. The aol, phone bill, rent, shopping ( he will pop to the shop from time to time, n get some milk etc) sky bill, ive paid everything, i have 2 children from a previous relationship also. He is a lovely, moral onest person, and we have never so much as swore at each other, we dont argue, n he truely is the most thoughtful loving partner anyone could hope for. Apart from this one thing, he has a good job, and up until september last year i also had a very good job. But it is seasonal, and i wont be back there until may. So have been claiming benifits foor me and my children since. He is aware of my money troubles, just before xmas my car died, and i have not been able to buy a new one because of all the bills. I wrote him a letter 2 weeks ago explaining that i think its wrong he doesnt contribute anything to the house, and the fact had he of helped me, i would not have used my saving for the bills, and therefore would still have a car.it also said i thought he had taken advantage of my good nature, and that i thought we should split. i chose to write a letter rather than confront him because he is not an arguementive person, the next morning, he had left me a note saying he would find somewhere else to live in that week, and he is still here, we havent spoken about the letters, however, i will not sleep in the same bed as him. Im pregnant at the moment, and am dreading it if we split, because of the baby. Well not just because of the baby but because, i know this money thing makes him sound selfish, but he truely is one of the most thoughtful ppl ive ever met.
am i being unreasonable?
When he 1st moved here he gave me his cash card and number and said help yourself, to which i replied no i dont want your card.
In the last two weeks since the letters, its been unbearable, we do all we can to avoid each other, when my kids are not here. when they are, we are civil, and dont cause an atomsphere. Today kids went to thier dads, and for most of the day he sat upstair, and i was downstairs, we smoke outside, preparing for the baby, so other than a needless conversation about the weather, while we have been smoking, its been utter silence, this afternoon i was at breaking point with the atomsphere, and was quite teary for an hour or so, he was upstairs unaware. I want to sat something, i dont know what, but dont want to just approach him out of nowhere, in the way that he didnt see it coming, and in a way that e doesnt think its my hormones, but geniunly how i feel?, yanno i feel at mo, i could watch him pack his stuff, id be upset, but almost releieved, purely because the last 2 weeks of poite conversation, and virtual ignoring of each other will stop

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 19:35

Got to admire your commitment to totally ignoring both the current benefit and the smoking questions!

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:35

well, your situation is kind of demanding that difficutl questions be asked

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 19:36

you're not being attacked, people are just asking questions. Questions are what people ask when you post something like this.

If you avoid answering them, having chosen to post in the first place, then folks get narky!

staryeyed · 07/02/2009 19:36

I agree with Hecate. Me and my partner do talk through our issues but sometimes I need to write things down to communicate clearly what I mean instead of fumbling my words and it all not sounding how its intended.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:37

why are you not entitled to maternity leave?

and agree re smoking and the claiming of benefits.. those are key issues here

as well as the fact you seem unable to communicate and told him you watned to split

you posted to ask a question and it has been answered, and it has raised more questions

sorry if you feel you are being attacked, but i think everyhting raised is fair and appropriate

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 07/02/2009 19:39

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welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:42

im aware of the smoking risks while pregnant, however, i have cut down, and unlike others, i dont smoke around my children, not even in my home, and smoking maybe frowned upon, but it is not illegal. If i was a drug addict or an alcholic then fair enough, im not the only smoking mum in the world.
and yes im claiming benefits, but as a person who gets no income from anywhere else, even though my partner is working, i do not take any money off him, whether thats right or not, no im not claiming decitfully, i dont get money from anyone or anywhere else, yes im aware that because he lives here, i shouldnt be claiming, but i dont not have any income bar my beneifts

OP posts:
tigermoth · 07/02/2009 19:42

Reading your messages welshbyrd, I think it probably was an ok idea to write the letter, just to get everything down on paper. It's a pity you can't both talk to each other, but as you seen not to be able to do this, at least you have tried another way. At least it gets the facts across and lets him go back and read it over and over.

Would it help to have a conversation with your partner in the presence of another person? I'm thinking if you go to Citizens Advice Bureau to talk over your financial situation, or even debt counselling. I believe you can do this confidentially - so no details get passed on. Ring up the CAB to check this out. Get your partner to go with you - by talking through the financial facts with someone else, talking throught your maternity benefit situation, etc etc, it might help your partner communicate better with you over this.

If he still denies all responsiblity to provide for you, then at least you know where you stand. I would then revise your assessment of him as a kind, caring person.

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 07/02/2009 19:43

You are definitely claiming benefits fraudulently - if/when you get caught you are in a whole heap of shit. If you told them that he was living with you and what your household income was then he would have to share his money with you.

So tell them/grass yourself up and if he stays he can have his income taken into account.

He will also need to support you and your child together.

And get help for both of you to stop smoking - I appreciate your under stress and cutting down/stopping will make you feel better about yourself.

GossipMonger · 07/02/2009 19:43

The thing is WB is that people post things like you did but they dont give the full picture.

They might post something like

'My DP gives me no support at all. AIBU to kick him out?'

It is then, by questioning and lots and lots of questioning, that we find out that DP is wheelchair bound and in hospital!

There are things we need to know about your situation. Why are you claiming benefits if your DP is working and living with you? Why are you smoking when you are pregnant and obv hard up for cash? Why are you writing letters to someone you live with?

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 07/02/2009 19:43

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GossipMonger · 07/02/2009 19:45

xpost xpost xpost

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 19:45

my job is seasonal, so it september it stopped, and i claim benefits, i work with children at a activity centre, that children come to for the week with thier school.Its not a good idea to bring 10/11 year olds out to rope climb etc etc in weather like this, that ia why i cant claim maternity leave

OP posts:
tigermoth · 07/02/2009 19:47

Does your partner realise he is putting you and him at risk of benefit fraud?

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:47

you are smoking aroudn your children , the one who is in utero.. who is being most affected by your smoking

your partner is complicit in you breaking the law

how are you going to do your job, which i presume is active and involves running aorund, potnetially 2 weeks post natal??

how is he planning to support your mutual child financially???/?

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 07/02/2009 19:48

Welshbyrd you are going to get in terrible trouble if you get caught - really, really bad honestly.

You have to get it out of your head that you are not allowed someone to live with you for free who doesn't contribute to your household.

Desiderata · 07/02/2009 19:53

I think smoking whilst pregnant is the least of her worries, don't you? The 60's, anyone?

Anyhow, this is all a bit daft, this. If he has a good job, which I'm doubting, then he should be contributing.

Is the situation that, if he did contribute, you would wholeheartedly welcome him into your family and form a good relationship?

Or do you just not love him at all?

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:54

you are claiming deceitcully, and letting him off the hook in terms of supporting you and your family

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/02/2009 19:54

If you are found to be claiming benefits you will be in deep shit. You need to talk to your DP about this, you need to start talking asap. I can't believe he doesn't say anything to you about the financial aspect but if he does shower you with gifts and made the offer of his cash card when he first moved down maybe he does genuinely believe you don't want his money. Logoff the computer and go and talk to him, not us.

Ignoring the smoking thing because it's really nothing to do with the issue that you posted about.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 07/02/2009 19:54

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Ingles2 · 07/02/2009 19:54

all right ladies.. leave off with the freaking her out.
Yes, she is claiming fraudulently,and it's not something I would do but she has 2 children with no other income! When she does work she does a probably minimum wage, seasonal job. What would you do in this situation?

Right Welshbyrd, you have to talk to your partner. you are not in a good situation. You are going to have to be brave and sit down and discuss finances bluntly. Ask him, Is he going to stay, in which case he'll have to support you all, as you can't claim benefits any longer. or is he going?
Is he going to support his child etc.
As for the smoking, you have to give up, not just for the baby but because you can't afford it.
Talk to him tonight, get it sorted for your peace of mind.
Good luck

expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 19:57

really not a good idea to not point it out to her that she will be the one to get into big trouble for claiming fraudulently by having him in there, though.

honestly, i'm sure it freaks her out, but it's one of the most common ways people are fraudulent and therefore one of the things most often looked for by councils who suspect fraud.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 19:58

ingles, if her partner was stepping up , tehn she would have other income

does the father of the other 2 children contribute?

Ingles2 · 07/02/2009 19:58

I know expat, but it's been pointed out, are we here to help her or witter on how much shit she'll be in?

expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 19:59

people are trying to help, ingles, but it looks like the horse is at the water but doesn't want to drink, sadly.