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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should my partner help with the bills if i have 2 children from previous relationship?

132 replies

welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 18:42

my partner moved almost 100 miles to be with me in april last year. But since they he has contributed almost nothing to the house. The aol, phone bill, rent, shopping ( he will pop to the shop from time to time, n get some milk etc) sky bill, ive paid everything, i have 2 children from a previous relationship also. He is a lovely, moral onest person, and we have never so much as swore at each other, we dont argue, n he truely is the most thoughtful loving partner anyone could hope for. Apart from this one thing, he has a good job, and up until september last year i also had a very good job. But it is seasonal, and i wont be back there until may. So have been claiming benifits foor me and my children since. He is aware of my money troubles, just before xmas my car died, and i have not been able to buy a new one because of all the bills. I wrote him a letter 2 weeks ago explaining that i think its wrong he doesnt contribute anything to the house, and the fact had he of helped me, i would not have used my saving for the bills, and therefore would still have a car.it also said i thought he had taken advantage of my good nature, and that i thought we should split. i chose to write a letter rather than confront him because he is not an arguementive person, the next morning, he had left me a note saying he would find somewhere else to live in that week, and he is still here, we havent spoken about the letters, however, i will not sleep in the same bed as him. Im pregnant at the moment, and am dreading it if we split, because of the baby. Well not just because of the baby but because, i know this money thing makes him sound selfish, but he truely is one of the most thoughtful ppl ive ever met.
am i being unreasonable?
When he 1st moved here he gave me his cash card and number and said help yourself, to which i replied no i dont want your card.
In the last two weeks since the letters, its been unbearable, we do all we can to avoid each other, when my kids are not here. when they are, we are civil, and dont cause an atomsphere. Today kids went to thier dads, and for most of the day he sat upstair, and i was downstairs, we smoke outside, preparing for the baby, so other than a needless conversation about the weather, while we have been smoking, its been utter silence, this afternoon i was at breaking point with the atomsphere, and was quite teary for an hour or so, he was upstairs unaware. I want to sat something, i dont know what, but dont want to just approach him out of nowhere, in the way that he didnt see it coming, and in a way that e doesnt think its my hormones, but geniunly how i feel?, yanno i feel at mo, i could watch him pack his stuff, id be upset, but almost releieved, purely because the last 2 weeks of poite conversation, and virtual ignoring of each other will stop

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2009 20:42

Welshbyrd, sit down with your partner right now. Tell him that you were talking to someone who inadvertently let you know that YOU could be in a lot of trouble for claiing your benefits whilst he lived with you...tell him you could have your money immediately stopped and could have to pay a lot back too.
Ask him if you can discuss money issues now, so that you can tell the DSS that he is living there and see what you are still entitled to. If he doesn't want to payand therefore doesn't want to be with you then ask him to leave so that you can legitimately claim again until you return to work.
be calm and don't be embarrassed, whether or not he is a kind person he has been at best naive and ignorant and at worst selfish and mean.
The only way to work this out is to talk. You have nothing to lose by the sounds of your current situation. Good Luck!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/02/2009 20:47

ilovemydog has a good point about MA. This link should help
www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchil dren/DG_10018869

NotPlayingAnyMore · 07/02/2009 20:47

"He is a lovely, moral onest person"
"he truely is the most thoughtful loving partner anyone could hope for"
"he truely is one of the most thoughtful ppl ive ever met."
No he isn't

"smoking maybe frowned upon, but it is not illegal. If i was a drug addict or an alcholic then fair enough, im not the only smoking mum in the world."
Whether it's frowned upon, illegal or however many mums are doing it is beside the point: the fact is you are suffocating your baby.

Maybe if you kicked your "partner" out, you'd wouldn't feel the need to smoke

lessonlearned · 07/02/2009 20:48

Welshyrd - if it embarasses you to ask him to pay his way, does it not embarrass you to tell me (the taxpayer) that my hard earned money is supporting this feckless scrounger?
Tell him the benefits people are on to you and he needs to set up an account for the bills which he will have to pay NOW.
What kind of man is he that expects you to scrounge on his behalf? As for threatening to go and then doing nothing - he's stringing you along because he's on to a good thing. He will carry on if you let him!

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 07/02/2009 21:05

ooh, I've just realised my favourite mumsnet term of cocklodger applies here

Kimi · 07/02/2009 21:21

LOL love it cocklodger LOL

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 07/02/2009 21:24

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Remotew · 07/02/2009 21:26

Of course he should pay the going rate. How much would he have to pay to rent a room, plus the bills and for food for himself for the week? Theres your answer.

One is also amused by the mumsnet phrase 'cock lodger'.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 07/02/2009 21:30

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hunnybun1981 · 07/02/2009 21:37

this is such a nice thread isnt it? welsh bird asked for some advice and got some nasty hard words that could be just adding to her stress.

so you smoke at least your cutting down, i dont agree with it but it is an addiction and people should realise that.

if you have no money then i dont blame you for claiming benefits you are entitled to them but if you are claiming on being a single parent then it is fraudently?

can you not just sit down and talk when the kids are not there and expain how u r feeling.

otherwise re think your situation good luck

Remotew · 07/02/2009 21:37

Yes Reality I see now that you mentioned 'cock lodger' much earlier. Credit to you. I didn't read the whole thread. .

OP isn't technically committing benefit fraud as this man isn't contributing anything for her to live on, but of course he should be and she should come off benefits.

Unfortunatley there are lots of men out there that target single mums on benefits for this very reason. Freeloading.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 21:41

actually, she is. Not reporting that you are now living with a partner is an offence. And they go on household income, - the earnings of every adult living in the house - not on how much he's actually handing over.

Remotew · 07/02/2009 21:44

If he's not giving her money, which he clearly isn't, then she needs to meet her bills and feed her kids. I realise I should have said 'morally' rather than 'technically'.

He is in the wrong.

OP I hope you can talk to him and get him to realise this.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 21:49

yes, but that's not how the DWP and the housing benefit office see it, eve.

doesn't matter if he's giving her money or not.

she has to report him and all his income because he's a domestic partner.

that's the law.

Lovesdogsandcats · 07/02/2009 21:56

who pays for his food?

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/02/2009 22:00

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tigermoth · 07/02/2009 22:14

welshbyrd, Is your partner just burying his head in the sand? Has he ever had experience of claiming benefits? Perhaps he just doesn't realise?

Do you think you can talk to him and get him to face facts?

What if your told your partner that you suspect the the benefits people may be onto you already - and if so, what would happen if they catch up with you. I know it's not actually true, but it could so easily be true and might bring it home to him how much is at risk and make him support you.

Remotew · 07/02/2009 22:35

I am aware of the law, was just trying to be sympathetic to the OP as she sounds young and vulnerable. Unfortunately there is a lot of this sort of benefit fraud going on.

sayithowitis · 07/02/2009 22:40

I really don't get the impression that the partner has refused to pay. Just that the Op told him at the outset that she didn't want his card and ergo, his money. If she was working then maybe he doesn't know she has claimed benefits? It doesn't sound as though money is a problem for him, given the gifts he gives her, so maybe instead of getting ratty and writing to him that they should split, she should explain what is going on and aske if he will contribute? If he says no, then get rid.
Also, ROFL at using 5 year old's pocket money to pay for SKY rather than let him buy sweets that will 'rot his teeth'. As unpleasant as bad teeth may be, they are in no way as bad as the life threatening problems caused by smoking whilst pregnant!

expatinscotland · 07/02/2009 22:42

She's 28 and a mother of 2 and about to be a mum of 3. Hardly the young and vulnerable sort.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/02/2009 22:48

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welshbyrd · 07/02/2009 23:09

i beleive everyone is using this thread to let off steam and voice political views regarding, the really bad benefit frauds, the ones that are claiming to be sick, yet working 70 hours a week off the books, while playing football fit and well on the weekends, im a mother who has never claimed benefits before, and i am extremely worried about my sitation, and want to try and fix it.
You can attack me all you want, i however want this situation im in to stop. Your worries and arguements should be to the folk that really are aware and going on holiday 3 times a year because they are unrepent and almost proud of defrauding benefits. Im aware i smoke, its addictive, and i have cut down, i dont smoke in my house, and around my children, i dont think i should be judged on that. 20 years ago, people were smoking on the maternity wards after having thier babies. Its not something im proud of, but personally, the way i have been attacked tonight, by asking advice on actually wanting to get myself out of this predictiment, some of the post replies have not been something to be proud of either.
Im not the only smoking pregnant woman in the world, and i want to do what i can to not be claiming benefits. Try abuses the people who really dont care about claiming benefits when they should be.

OP posts:
LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/02/2009 23:12

Actually everyone isn't using this thread to let off steam and voice political views, most people have given you very sensible advice i.e. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER AND STOP CLAIMING BENEFITS. which you are choosing to ignore.

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 23:14

You are smoking round your children - they can breathe it in from your clothes and your unborn child is getting plenty of the filthy stuff. I don't care how much you've cut down - just stop - and tell you partner to stop as well. I don't care what benefits you are or aren't defrauding - doubtless this will come back on you at some point - but right now your priority should be your unborn child. Smoking is a choice you are making. Your child hasn't chosen to be born prematurely, suffer lung dmaage and be at a higher risk of death - just stop.

Remotew · 07/02/2009 23:14

I hope you can get the financial situation with your bf sorted out. Write out your outgoings, sit down and discuss it and come up with a relevant sum for him to contribute.

This should help your relationship move forward on an equal footing.

Good luck.

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