Are all husbands like this? Do you just put up with it?

[justwantoutofthis]

I have delayed doing this for so long because I just dont want to moan about my husband. But he pisses me off so much I just cant stand it anymore. I even feel sometimes we should not be together but we have a DS who is pretty obsessed with both of us and I just cant imagine splitting that up for him. And it isnt all bad so it seems an extreme solution. And we are from different countries - I live here in his. Because of DS I assume I would have to stay here and I am not sure I want to stay in a country where the only people I know are either his friends & family or people who only know us as a couple. Really I want to be happy with him and I have tried countless times but I just cant be for any period of time longer than a week really.

Its just everything. He annoys me. He lies but only little tiny lies that dont matter just make me lose respect. Like if he says something wrong, when he is called on it he will slightly alter what he said so it can be excused, when I know it isnt what he said in the first place.

He will tell me a time he should be home from work, then call at that time to say he is just doing a few more bits then he will be leaving shortly.

He subtely puts responsibility for things solely on my shoulders. If I want him to do something he will do it but I have to delegate and spell it out. Even things I have never claimed any responsibility for. Such as "where is DS's school bag?" (asked by me) his response will be in a slightly wounded annoyed voice, "Oh I dont know, I thought you knew where that was". When we split up to do shopping at Christmas he later admitted he left all the "practical" shopping to me - he was only responsible for shopping for my presents I had to do everyone else's presents and all the food etc.

Each and every time I confront him for doing or saying anything that upsets me or I dont like it is never his fault. I am always either expecting too much, being unreasonable, or he has a perfectly good explanation for it.

He wont do his nightly routine things til I go to bed as he wants to spend time with me, but very soon after DS goes to sleep he starts suggesting I go to bed while I am relaxing and enjoying myself. I get migraines so he uses this as his reason, to sleep it off, but hey, if I want to stay up I should be in charge of that shouldnt I? Last night he explained its because he wanted to go to bed and he doesnt want to do his next day prep routine stuff til after I have gone to bed but again I feel this is putting all the responsibility on me for everything.

When saying no to DS or "dont touch" etc he almost always sites me as the example why cleverly remaining the good guy.

Is often too hard on DS and I intervene to give perspective and then he will behave in a more age appropriate way with DS and DS thinks the sun shines out his backside.

9 times out of 10 when I say an idea of mine he either seems only minimally interested, just to be polite, or he instantly points out all the negatives. I now avoid suggesting anything or buying things or sharing ideas or thoughts because they tend to be ignored or he plays "devils advocate" constantly so I get no positive reinforcement. Or if he is in a mood to put a lot of effort in it just feels like he is trying to prove he is interested in it. It doesnt ring true.

Fuck there are a million examples they are all trivial when alone but put together I just feel so angry towards him and so trapped.

I have confronted and cried and asked for change for 8 years and he usually tries, though not lately as the last few years everything has been my fault. He will say "sorry you got upset" not "sorry I was an arse" All the changes he makes are temporary and I just dont want to be with him anymore. I get nothing out of it but a roof over my head and someone who cooks dinner & helps around the house. Emotionally he is pretty useless for me. We dont seem like friends anymore and certainly not lovers nor have been for a long time.

I want to be happy with him but I dont even feel like I know him anymore. He sometimes says things I really disagree with, morally, and other times just seems like a man who goes to work comes home and doesnt do much else. I am so unhappy.

Lucyellensmum....

'I think the bandwagon of "emotional abuse" is terrible'

Well lucky , lucky , lucky you if you have never encountered this 'bandwagon', and so are completely unable to recognise it. You may think it is terribel, but I can assure you it is even more terrible if you are subject to it.

'Yeah, so he is a bit of a fuck wit - hes a man'

!!!!!!!!!! What a sexist statement to make!!!!!

Others who have posted trying to help JWOOT have not ever mentioned 'men' in general....they have referred specifically to JWoots partner. As this is a woman posting for help, and she appears not to be a lesbian, her partner happens to be a man.

'there are invariably two sides to each story'

NO THERE AREN'T...not if your partner is a controlling nutter.

carryon - i probably am a bit niave, but the OP isn;t describing anything that i haven't said about my DP, probably on here - he is so not able to be emotionally abusive. He can be emotionally stunted sometimes, and just not "get" things. But that doesn't make him a bad person. I appreciate that there are posters here who have been the victim of emotional abuse so i might be being niave, i do appreciate that. I just think that we should remember that we are only seeing one side of the story here. Thankfully, when i was posting about my DP, i certainly was given the full force of a MN kick up the backside and told to take a look at myself, i appreciate that more than those arse kickers might realise. Probably saved my relationship.

I hope that the OP and her DH, manage to sort things out - it seems they could be a happy and loving family. I just wonder if this is alot about her (you - sorry) being away from your family and friends, feeling trapped and hemmed in? I feel like that, and i live in the next road to where i was born (im very cosmopolitan me!). I hope it works out for you both.

link please carryon...can't find out how to find a poster's thread now on this new MN

it'is in relationships.

LEM, they sound a million miles from happy.

It's starts "dp got violent..."

Jwoot, I haven't read everyone's posts so sorry for repeating anything anyone else has said?

Do you still love your husband? I only ask because many of the things you mention are fairly normal in a marriage (although the trying to make you go to bed bit is a bit strange). My husband is very similar and although these things annoy me, they don't to the extent that they do you. You talk about how much he says he loves you but you don't say how you feel about him.

Often I think a lot has to do with self-esteem. Being a SAHM is difficult as effectively he is your only frame of reference and therefore can undermine your confidence very easily. When you are working or mixing in other circles it is much easier to tell him to sod off and look for the school bag rather than take it to heart so much.

I think counselling will be good for you and I hope you can work it out.

i know that they are not happy now - but IF they both work at it! he is in the wrong - but possibly not a monster!

If i were to write up the things that my DP has done since we have been struggling and never put his point across (i try to) then i would be told en masse, to leave him. That he is abusive and even potentially dangerous (he has never laid a hand on me, but has had violent outbursts recently - he is under extreme stress). He sometimes tells me to go to bed - i get cross about that. Then find myself saying it to him too!

Tonight for instance, he told me he was leaving his job at 6 and would be an hour and a half - phoned him at 8 after i put DD to bed - he was just leaving!! It is simply because he is a fuckwit when it comes to time - and no, that is NOT sexist, its just that some men just don't get that we can be anal about these things.

BUT saying that, i do respect that you guys have been there - and because of that, maybe you are picking up things i am missing. So probably best for me to go and pour myself another glass of wine and wait for DP to bring the takeaway that i have just sent him for, his punishment for being late - we are having indian not chinese - because I want it!

I think you're right, I think we are picking up things that you're missing.

I have been reading this thread and keep hesitating to post on it.

Probably because I still find it hard to accept that my exH was abusive even now. But he was, he really was.

I picked up on many of the things that the other posters who have been abused also picked up on.

I can clearly remember feeling manipulated and that his behaviour was insidious. I quite clearly felt I was being controlled.

I had crap relationships before that (lived with an unemotional, drink dependent guy in my 20s) and a another with commitment phobe.

xbf that I talk about alot is not included in above.

But for me the difference with my marriage which I do consider to be abusive was the controlling and manipulation. Had never experienced that before.

And that had my doubting my mind, in denial, reduced my self esteem to rock bottom and fearing for my mental health in a way that the others had not.

That's the difference for me!!

when I say insidious I mean that it was calculated and a slowly creeping type of control.

Hi JWOOT, Hope you had a nice Saturday night and Sunday and you and your DP managed to talk some more about stuff and enjoy the wine! (am , 33 weeks pregnant so no wine for me)

I've been thinking of you, I'm not willing to wade into the debate on this thread as the only thing that's important is what you and your DP want, and it sounds like you both really want to make it work, so I'm wishing you all the good luck and strength in the world.

Sometimes people aren't bad, they're just trapped in a rut of feeling miserable and not knowing how to communicate in a way that doesn't drive their partner mad. I hope you find your way through this and can be happy