Are all husbands like this? Do you just put up with it?

[justwantoutofthis]

I have delayed doing this for so long because I just dont want to moan about my husband. But he pisses me off so much I just cant stand it anymore. I even feel sometimes we should not be together but we have a DS who is pretty obsessed with both of us and I just cant imagine splitting that up for him. And it isnt all bad so it seems an extreme solution. And we are from different countries - I live here in his. Because of DS I assume I would have to stay here and I am not sure I want to stay in a country where the only people I know are either his friends & family or people who only know us as a couple. Really I want to be happy with him and I have tried countless times but I just cant be for any period of time longer than a week really.

Its just everything. He annoys me. He lies but only little tiny lies that dont matter just make me lose respect. Like if he says something wrong, when he is called on it he will slightly alter what he said so it can be excused, when I know it isnt what he said in the first place.

He will tell me a time he should be home from work, then call at that time to say he is just doing a few more bits then he will be leaving shortly.

He subtely puts responsibility for things solely on my shoulders. If I want him to do something he will do it but I have to delegate and spell it out. Even things I have never claimed any responsibility for. Such as "where is DS's school bag?" (asked by me) his response will be in a slightly wounded annoyed voice, "Oh I dont know, I thought you knew where that was". When we split up to do shopping at Christmas he later admitted he left all the "practical" shopping to me - he was only responsible for shopping for my presents I had to do everyone else's presents and all the food etc.

Each and every time I confront him for doing or saying anything that upsets me or I dont like it is never his fault. I am always either expecting too much, being unreasonable, or he has a perfectly good explanation for it.

He wont do his nightly routine things til I go to bed as he wants to spend time with me, but very soon after DS goes to sleep he starts suggesting I go to bed while I am relaxing and enjoying myself. I get migraines so he uses this as his reason, to sleep it off, but hey, if I want to stay up I should be in charge of that shouldnt I? Last night he explained its because he wanted to go to bed and he doesnt want to do his next day prep routine stuff til after I have gone to bed but again I feel this is putting all the responsibility on me for everything.

When saying no to DS or "dont touch" etc he almost always sites me as the example why cleverly remaining the good guy.

Is often too hard on DS and I intervene to give perspective and then he will behave in a more age appropriate way with DS and DS thinks the sun shines out his backside.

9 times out of 10 when I say an idea of mine he either seems only minimally interested, just to be polite, or he instantly points out all the negatives. I now avoid suggesting anything or buying things or sharing ideas or thoughts because they tend to be ignored or he plays "devils advocate" constantly so I get no positive reinforcement. Or if he is in a mood to put a lot of effort in it just feels like he is trying to prove he is interested in it. It doesnt ring true.

Fuck there are a million examples they are all trivial when alone but put together I just feel so angry towards him and so trapped.

I have confronted and cried and asked for change for 8 years and he usually tries, though not lately as the last few years everything has been my fault. He will say "sorry you got upset" not "sorry I was an arse" All the changes he makes are temporary and I just dont want to be with him anymore. I get nothing out of it but a roof over my head and someone who cooks dinner & helps around the house. Emotionally he is pretty useless for me. We dont seem like friends anymore and certainly not lovers nor have been for a long time.

I want to be happy with him but I dont even feel like I know him anymore. He sometimes says things I really disagree with, morally, and other times just seems like a man who goes to work comes home and doesnt do much else. I am so unhappy.

I notice the figure of 8 always comes up in these threads. I left after 8 yrs, Puffle and honeybadgers recent threads were all at 8 yrs. I think we must all reach breaking point at precisely 8 yrs.

I left the UK with my two 'British' children. It can be done. I'm not talking you in to it, but it's not carved in stone that you are bound for ever to live in the UK.

According to my solicitor, Judges have recently started to differentiate between mothers leaving to return to their country of birth for financial reasons and better support, and, mothers who leave to another country not their country of birth with a new partner for a better life. Not saying it would be plain sailing, but just typing this so you don't get extra depressed assuming that you're definitely trapped in a country you're not from.

I feel so shat upon.

Ha! Thats another thing. I said the word "shat" once in a joke - it was only me & him there. He said he didnt like hearing me say that, that it wasnt ladylike. I instantly told him that was sexist and I was just joking around, couldnt I relax in my own home and have a laugh? I didnt talk to him for a day or so. Then he did something stupid with the car and I took revenge by telling him it was unattractive and "unmanly". He got the point then and said I could say whatever I wanted and he would keep his mouth shut - but that is the sort of relationship it is.

Yep, it is hard to have a social life when you are in a rural area and don't drive. I am in that position too. During-the-day things are fine though. You can still have the interaction. Ask some of the other mums over for a meal, then you don't have to worry about driving. I tend to be the visitee, rarely the visitor, but I don't mind so long as I have the company.
It is hard to make the first step, but worth it.

oops I think he has seen this

Well, maybe that is a good thing.
He will know how desperate you are about the situation.

Blimey, he sounds even more like my x!

My x had a keylogger on my old pc. He read and deleted my blog. What makes you say he's read this?

he got home from work a while ago and I was helping DS "find" him in the house (they are playing hide & seek) and we found him in the living room where I had left the thread open. I thought he was in the other part of the house. It doesnt matter I shall perhaps show him anyway. Nothing seems to work with him. Each time I try something new nothing seems to make it better. Also each and every time we argue I make it up. I say sorry first and make peace. I just hate it. Why do I always have to be the one to smooth things over? I just feel like I am not looked after emotionally at all.

You poor thing JWOOT.

By the time I left my x and came back to 'my country' I was running on empty. I just had nothing left, no resources left for anything other than just coping. It was a tough time. I feel for you.

I couldnt return to America. I just could not take DS away from DH I wouldnt even consider it. He can be useless to me, emotionally, but he is a great Dad. DS would lose more than anyone else. But I know your situation wouldnt have been the same - I am just saying how I feel.

My DH is very like yours Justwantoutofit, he is very controlling and manipulative. He always has the final word and makes me out to be a complete fool. Basically, if I don't like it I know where the door is. How horrid and rude and unfeeling is that. He also has what I call teenage temper tantrums when we have words, it is so very very draining and very sad. I haven't, as yet' got the courage to leave but I do sympathise with what you are going through. I am unhappy vastly more than I am happy and it is a crap existance (not life). He doesnt 'hear' me either. How old is your DS, where are you? Big Hugs to you.

That post about the 'shat' on argument- you didn't talk to him for a day or so until you got your revenge ??

Now that is you admitting that you are being manipulative and passive-aggressive.

I am not getting at you by calling you on this just pointing out that you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

Maybe counselling could help you to communicate better - it certainly sounds like there is little respect between you.

Wees, sometimes, withdrawing back into your own shell for a bit is the only thing that keeps you sane. It is when you're dealing with a man who doesn't listen and wouldn't see your perspective even he did listen. You can't reason with some people and it's exhausting trying. keeping on and on and on trying, for 8 yrs. Sometimes being silent isn't about petty revenge, it's about 'refuelling'. So that you can crawl back up and start again. that probably sounds like a load of wank to you, but unless you've been through it, you couldn't possibly understand.

very well put CarryOnUpTheLiffey.

Hmmm, some of this is, I think, pretty normal day-to-day life. For example, yes, ok, he makes you be the 'bad guy' with DS. But as you're a SAHM, presumably you know better how tired DS is. And if he made the decision about whether DS needed to go to bed, that might annoy you, too.

But it's obvious that all this is really bugging you. Is counselling, either on your own, or with your DH, an option?

Appreciate that Carryon but that isn't what the original poster said. If she had said that I would have posted something entirely different.

You can only go by what people actually post not what we want it to say according to our own interpretation or experience.

And I have been through this and one of the biggest revelation was learning that I couldn't control his behaviour or make him change. The second biggest lesson was to look at my own behaviour first as that's what I could change (for me, not for him).

thank you CarryOn

Wees you are picking one point and trying to find something wrong with me. I wasnt being passive aggressive. I was upset and emotionally beaten down for being taken to task for swearing as if I was a naughty child. I was hurt. I couldnt speak. The next day he did the car thing - it was obviously unplanned. I decided to use that to try to show him it isnt nice to say swearing is unfeminine just as I shouldnt say messing the car up is unmasculine.

NQC this is what I am wondering. I know marriage takes work and isnt all fun and games. But for us its only fun and games maybe 10% of the time.

I am not trying to find something wrong with you, I'm urging you to consider your behaviour too.

There is nothing wrong with you (not the right word) but in dh's mind he may not think he's doing anything wrong either iyswim.

emotional abuse

I am divorcing one like this after 20 years.

There is no reasoning with these people...but mine is also one of these...

He won't even listen to the judge!!! So what chance do i have getting through to him?

All I fucking do is consider my behaviour and try to be relaxed and happy and not too demanding and to communicate. But all I do is communicate. And all he does is either not listen at all, or promise change which only lasts a week or so. I am tired. No I am exhausted I feel emotionally drained. I feel like I am the only emotionally sound person in the relationship. He gets a "get out of jail" card for free because he is a man who isnt in tune. Brilliant! How convenient! I am the first person to own that there are differences between men and women but I am sick of pulling our families emotional well being along on my own.

However Wees if you didnt understand that from my previous posts, fine. You cant be expected to know everything and of course one should always be accountable for themselves.

My Mother is narcissist. I know it well.

Well you may well be one of these

As I am...

And this is probably why you feel as though you are insane...gaslighting

It sounds to me like you have both lost the capacity to be tolerant towards one another, and now every little thing annoys you about him, and possibly the same for him.

I get a bit tired of the cries of emotional abuse - yes, it does happen, some people are vile to their partners, but sometimes people are just unhappy in their relationships and aren't very nice to each other. Saddling it with the label of abuse suddenly makes it into a deliberate, malicious and most importantly one-way thing when it might just be a symptom of a relationship that needs some help and two people who are very unhappy.

There must have been things about him you loved at the beginning - surely it's worth trying to find those again, as you have a DS to consider? Would you consider some relationship counselling?

I had no idea you had posted before, I was only going on the information you posted on this.

Sorry for what you are going through.