Are all husbands like this? Do you just put up with it?

[justwantoutofthis]

I have delayed doing this for so long because I just dont want to moan about my husband. But he pisses me off so much I just cant stand it anymore. I even feel sometimes we should not be together but we have a DS who is pretty obsessed with both of us and I just cant imagine splitting that up for him. And it isnt all bad so it seems an extreme solution. And we are from different countries - I live here in his. Because of DS I assume I would have to stay here and I am not sure I want to stay in a country where the only people I know are either his friends & family or people who only know us as a couple. Really I want to be happy with him and I have tried countless times but I just cant be for any period of time longer than a week really.

Its just everything. He annoys me. He lies but only little tiny lies that dont matter just make me lose respect. Like if he says something wrong, when he is called on it he will slightly alter what he said so it can be excused, when I know it isnt what he said in the first place.

He will tell me a time he should be home from work, then call at that time to say he is just doing a few more bits then he will be leaving shortly.

He subtely puts responsibility for things solely on my shoulders. If I want him to do something he will do it but I have to delegate and spell it out. Even things I have never claimed any responsibility for. Such as "where is DS's school bag?" (asked by me) his response will be in a slightly wounded annoyed voice, "Oh I dont know, I thought you knew where that was". When we split up to do shopping at Christmas he later admitted he left all the "practical" shopping to me - he was only responsible for shopping for my presents I had to do everyone else's presents and all the food etc.

Each and every time I confront him for doing or saying anything that upsets me or I dont like it is never his fault. I am always either expecting too much, being unreasonable, or he has a perfectly good explanation for it.

He wont do his nightly routine things til I go to bed as he wants to spend time with me, but very soon after DS goes to sleep he starts suggesting I go to bed while I am relaxing and enjoying myself. I get migraines so he uses this as his reason, to sleep it off, but hey, if I want to stay up I should be in charge of that shouldnt I? Last night he explained its because he wanted to go to bed and he doesnt want to do his next day prep routine stuff til after I have gone to bed but again I feel this is putting all the responsibility on me for everything.

When saying no to DS or "dont touch" etc he almost always sites me as the example why cleverly remaining the good guy.

Is often too hard on DS and I intervene to give perspective and then he will behave in a more age appropriate way with DS and DS thinks the sun shines out his backside.

9 times out of 10 when I say an idea of mine he either seems only minimally interested, just to be polite, or he instantly points out all the negatives. I now avoid suggesting anything or buying things or sharing ideas or thoughts because they tend to be ignored or he plays "devils advocate" constantly so I get no positive reinforcement. Or if he is in a mood to put a lot of effort in it just feels like he is trying to prove he is interested in it. It doesnt ring true.

Fuck there are a million examples they are all trivial when alone but put together I just feel so angry towards him and so trapped.

I have confronted and cried and asked for change for 8 years and he usually tries, though not lately as the last few years everything has been my fault. He will say "sorry you got upset" not "sorry I was an arse" All the changes he makes are temporary and I just dont want to be with him anymore. I get nothing out of it but a roof over my head and someone who cooks dinner & helps around the house. Emotionally he is pretty useless for me. We dont seem like friends anymore and certainly not lovers nor have been for a long time.

I want to be happy with him but I dont even feel like I know him anymore. He sometimes says things I really disagree with, morally, and other times just seems like a man who goes to work comes home and doesnt do much else. I am so unhappy.

You have talked to him many times about his behaviours and he does not seem to show much willingness to change. That would make me say that he DOES mean to and is emotionally lazy. Did you read the link to the abuse cycle? That was the thing that made me see how awful things really were.

I am not saying that it is like that for you, you know your own marriage and dh best of course but bear in mind that after 8 years (exactly the point where I gave up on it) you will probably have changed a lot of your behaviours in order to avoid or prevent conflict or being made to feel like shit by him. That is a very big problem, even though you have by now got used to it and don't see it as such. He, however does not seem to be changing any of his in spite of you telling him how bad it makes you feel. I have so been here with the "Well its not bad enough to break up a family over" and maybe it isn't, but you sound very unhappy and these things never get better without some sort of massive shake up one way or another.

Warthog...your post was very interesting and perceptive, as , of course, these people are stuck cognitively at two years old or thereabouts. And of course that is just how you treat a two year old who is throwing a tantrum or sulking to get their own way.

A grown adult should not have to show their adult partner how to behave in an adult fashion. Especially when it is just attempting to get some respect and freedom for oneself within the relationship.

OP...I am interested to hear in what way your H is a good man. Not being sarcastic or funny, but genuinely would like to know.

Gosh what a minefield. I have errible days with DH. HE has an alcohol problem and is currently going dry. Things are dfinitely better, but then they always are for a while. This time I want to see how long it lasts.

The only thing you can do OP is trust your heart and your instincts. Only you can know. We all have our own experiences and if you think it's worth saving, if only for your DS and because you want to live in a happy marraige, then what harm does it do to try counselling either for yourself or for both of you. IF it's frightening to try both of you first, then go yourself and take it from there. Def think it's worth getting a job and having some nights out. I don't have nights out but did go back to work when DS was 18 months old and it made a huge difference. My world just didn't feel so insular and I'm sure that helped because I don't have a big circle of friends.

Have to go DS is baiting me. Good luck and sorry for typos.

Holy crap OP I could have written your post. I am also a foreigner here in a tough marriage due to similiar issues. I could leave and go home but there is no way I could legally get out of the country with the kids. Sucks doesn't it. When I researched this I learned that even if we divorce and I get custody I still CANNOT take them out of the country without his permission.

Trapped.

can i ask a q - why did you marry him? what did you think of him when you married him, and why and how has that changed?

It sounds to me like you have both got stuck in certain ways of communicating that are quite antagonistic. That CAN change though - counselling with a disinterested third party could be a real help in breaking out of those dysfunctional patterns.

He also sounds unhappy and/or depressed. People that tell small lies like that and undermine their partner often are.

But I don't know why so many people here are saying you should ditch him - clearly you want things to work out, and i don't see why they shouldn't if you BOTH agree to work on solutions to get along better.

Hugs for making a go of it over here. I'm also an American married to a Brit, and no it's not always easy.

following on what pramspotter says - I personally made the decision when we had DS that I would make every effort for us to continue to live in the same country (and nearby each other) if we ever decide to part. Maybe that will suck for me to stay in the UK when it would be easier to be with my family, but for DS' sake I know it is so much better. My parents divorced and lived a few hours apart and my father and I barely know each other.

OP it sounds like you have tried to love DP and failed. Now it sounds like you are no longer there (trying) for many reasons - too hard, not communicating well, outside pressures (his) etc.
If you have given up trying and neither of you can compromise then resentment builds up and the only way out is to bring someone else in to broker some middle ground ie counselling.
If neither of you want to do this then...maybe it's time to look at your other options.

he is very loyal to me. never ever looks at another woman. always says I am beautiful. Says I am a wonderful mother. Says I am the best person he knows.

Part of what attracted me to him was that he was willing to move mountains to be with me. Sometimes that has been oppressive as he breaths down my neck.

lessonlearned you are right I have tried a long long time to make things work so we are both happy. And his attempts at trying have been pretty pathetic really. And you are right I am not trying too hard right now. I need to start again because he will never do it on his own.

Maybe, just maybe, you can see some more mileage in this if only he could understand where you are coming from?
He won't hear it if all he can get is your frustration. Perhaps if you can talk it through with someone neutral (sp) and you can try to weigh it all up, and maybe deepen your understanding of each other. Maybe then you can evaluate the pro's and con's of staying together?

Justwantoutofthis, your screen name made me believe you were at the end of the road wth this guy, and then you say you don't want a divorce, you want to make it work.

Well, I sort of understand, I didn't really want a broken marriage either! I wanted a happy marriage, but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

whatfreshhellisthis, I tend not to give advice to women whose husbands drink too much, work too much, cheat on them, stay out all the time, mother-in-law problems or school gate shenanigans, but controlling men and the misery of living with one, well sadly that's my forté and I recognised a lot in the OP's first post. I feel more than equipped to advise her.

Carryon....you took the words right out of my mouth.

Unfortunately, so often on these threads the OP is at breaking point, but when it is pointed out to her/him that they are actually being abused/manipulated/whatever you are allowed to call it on here...they turn round and start defending their partner.

I understand this phenomenon to an extent, as I left my ex-H two years ago, but I still have moments when I think 'perhaps he wasn't that bad and I was wrong to leave'.

Then he does something cretinous to remind me why I left, and I feel okay again!!!!!!

It is impossible to convey to someone in the middle of the nightmare just how fab everything is after you make the bid for freedom.

You cannot change someone else....you can only change your own self. Why would someone change if they are perfectly happy with everything as it is? They wont. And if you have spent years begging them to change...and they haven't....well...that should tell you something.

But I do know how hard it is.

Me too, I started a thread like this in March 2007. I think I expected everybody to say, "no, work at your marriage" or "being a single mother is dreadful". In a bizarre way, I think that even though I was truthful in my thread, I was actually looking for reassurance that his behaviour was not that unusual. As though other people's suffering could have got me through the next 30 yrs!! I wanted to recalibrate my expectations I think, so that I would be able to cope with life not being happy. I used to say to myself "well, was my Grandma who got married at 19 and had 9 children happy?" I had created an entirely warped reference for 'normal'. A new, miserable normal to help me feel less 'shat on' to quote the OP.

But then, unsurprisingly, post after post after post told me that I deserved more than just misery, getting through each day and being bullied and verbally abused (and sometimes physically abused aswell). Complete strangers pierced my denial, made me see that his behaviour was unacceptable and made me believe that I deserved a happier life and that a happier life was within my grasp, if only I had the courage to just walk away.

Complete strangers downloaded forms about the Irish children's allowance for me, and advised me how to get the children PPS numbers and researched schools for me!!!!!

That's why I sometimes come over a bit evangelical when I read posts like Justwantoutofthis. I see so much of my old self in her, and even if she does decide to soldier on, weathering her husband's controlling nature, I just know she'd be happier if she left.

Maybe I should go and volunteer at a women's refuge or something. I really want to help people now that I've moved on and feel strong. But you're right it is kind of exasperating when the OP does an about face and starts defending their husband. The reality is too scary.

I am not just "the OP" I am a person. I know that is just how we refer to people on MN but sometimes it seems to be overlooking that I am an individual, almost like you are talking about me while I am still in the room.

I never thought that my initial posts were meant to represent all of my husband. They are meant to represent the things I am unhappy with that he does. My latter post are pointing out his good points because I am a scrupulously honest person and I will not misrepresent anyone. So sorry if you think that is exasperating. I know you are trying to help. And I appreciate that. But I have to make my own decisions and if I left him right now I would never forgive myself for giving up.

I am at the end of my tether - not with being married to him but of this horrible vicious cycle of hassle I go through with him. I just want to relax in my relationship. I want to be happy. I dont want to have to worry about what I say. I know all these things are bad but I am just not convinced they justify me leaving either. I am thinking more of a middle ground. If I am proved wrong and there is no solution I suppose we will split up eventually as I cant be unhappy forever. But today - no. I have said from the beginning I do not want a divorce right now.

JWOOT none of us knows you, your DH or your relationship beyond what you've told us, and none of us is qualified to tell you what you should do. We each speak from our own perspective, but I hope that somewhere in the collection of opinions you can find something that seems to ring true for you.

I often find that when I post on here with a problem some posts make me think 'No, it's not like that at all' while others make me think 'That's pretty much exactly how it is'. Personally I think you sound like you're not ready to give up on your marriage, but really need to find a way to get out of this cycle of sniping at each other. I really hope you can find it

I know you're a person. Exasperating is the wrong word. It upsets me. I don't think there is a middle-ground. I don't know if there is a way to relax around a man like this. If what you've said is scrupulously honest then there's far more wrong than there is right.

Can I turn it round and ask why are you so determined to stay with him?

My referral to 'the OP' was in reference to the many, many threads that appear on this board, of a similar nature, which I then described in the rest of that sentence.

I most certainly was not talking about you as if you were not there. I have the utmost empathy for you and your situation. Of course you want a happy marriage, and for everything to be wonderful. That's what I wanted, and all the other people who escaped from relationships rather like yours.

Sometimes however, one person's happiness is at the expense of the other person's sanity.

You sound very angry with some of us. I am truly sorry if we have upset you. There is no magic bullet though. And I say again...if someone wants to change they will change...and if they don't want to ...they won't.

Carryonuptheliffy, perhaps we have a lot in common? I come from a catholic background (Alba) with Irish connections, but lived in England and have English DCs.. I understand the pressures of an 'outsider' culture, and also family pressures regarding 'stand by your man' etc.
This is why I have often refered to 'different cultures'
The debate is important as we live in a multi-cultural society.
Before they died my parents had to re-evaluate their beliefs in a major way due to my mistakes in relationships) and it was very painful for all of us.... but we are learning all the time.
There is only CRISIS as OPPORTUNITY (SP) and no change without conflict!

no I am not angry with you at all. I just dont want you to put expectations on me that are unrealistic. There may be hundreds of these posts on MN but it is the first and only one I have ever started. I want change more than anything. But I wont go from point A to point B in the matter of a few hours. If it was that easy for me I would have probably left him years ago.

JWOOT I just want you to know that I am still with you in your dilemma and my asides to other posters do not retract from this.

Justwant...no-one at all is putting any expectations on you. We are all rooting for you!

It took me 20 years to see the light!!!!!

I wish I had done it years ago. I am a different person now. My children are happier by a factor of about a million. Even my two dogs are totally different.

Keep posting. We get het-up because we can see what you are going through.

We care about you!!!!! You just want it all to stop and to have a happy relationship and a great family life.

Why not try some counselling for yourself?

He sounds like my husband!
When i stand up to my husband it on;y start in a row and i end up doing more damage to myself then getting through to him....get the i love you n sorry speach each time though n its been 10 yrs nothings changed.

It is all so recognisable to me I want to hide under the blankets

Warning sentences:

"am at the end of my tether - not with being married to him but of this horrible vicious cycle of hassle I go through with him"

"he is very loyal to me. never ever looks at another woman. always says I am beautiful. Says I am a wonderful mother. Says I am the best person he knows"

"He is a really good man. He is emotionally a bit of a bully at times. But I am sure he doesnt mean to (be)"

and those are on only this page.

How old is your son and how old are you and are you up for half a cider in devon? I have lots of spare room. Honestly, I can't bear reading these kind of posts now, as they make me weep.

I want to reach out a hand and say RUN RUN RUN and I don't care how much vilification I get for that - even from wantoutof: I recognise despair and emotional-fuckwittery-leading-to-wits-enditis when I read it.

Life should have only a maximum of 60 per cent shit and ideally 40 - 20/zero percent.

It should not be 10 per cent happy. That means it is 90 percent shit or unhappy. Not Good. The 'math' (american term) doesn't work.

Keep posting girl.

Pass the nobby nuts
Hiya gettingagrip...no snow here. X