Are all husbands like this? Do you just put up with it?

[justwantoutofthis]

I have delayed doing this for so long because I just dont want to moan about my husband. But he pisses me off so much I just cant stand it anymore. I even feel sometimes we should not be together but we have a DS who is pretty obsessed with both of us and I just cant imagine splitting that up for him. And it isnt all bad so it seems an extreme solution. And we are from different countries - I live here in his. Because of DS I assume I would have to stay here and I am not sure I want to stay in a country where the only people I know are either his friends & family or people who only know us as a couple. Really I want to be happy with him and I have tried countless times but I just cant be for any period of time longer than a week really.

Its just everything. He annoys me. He lies but only little tiny lies that dont matter just make me lose respect. Like if he says something wrong, when he is called on it he will slightly alter what he said so it can be excused, when I know it isnt what he said in the first place.

He will tell me a time he should be home from work, then call at that time to say he is just doing a few more bits then he will be leaving shortly.

He subtely puts responsibility for things solely on my shoulders. If I want him to do something he will do it but I have to delegate and spell it out. Even things I have never claimed any responsibility for. Such as "where is DS's school bag?" (asked by me) his response will be in a slightly wounded annoyed voice, "Oh I dont know, I thought you knew where that was". When we split up to do shopping at Christmas he later admitted he left all the "practical" shopping to me - he was only responsible for shopping for my presents I had to do everyone else's presents and all the food etc.

Each and every time I confront him for doing or saying anything that upsets me or I dont like it is never his fault. I am always either expecting too much, being unreasonable, or he has a perfectly good explanation for it.

He wont do his nightly routine things til I go to bed as he wants to spend time with me, but very soon after DS goes to sleep he starts suggesting I go to bed while I am relaxing and enjoying myself. I get migraines so he uses this as his reason, to sleep it off, but hey, if I want to stay up I should be in charge of that shouldnt I? Last night he explained its because he wanted to go to bed and he doesnt want to do his next day prep routine stuff til after I have gone to bed but again I feel this is putting all the responsibility on me for everything.

When saying no to DS or "dont touch" etc he almost always sites me as the example why cleverly remaining the good guy.

Is often too hard on DS and I intervene to give perspective and then he will behave in a more age appropriate way with DS and DS thinks the sun shines out his backside.

9 times out of 10 when I say an idea of mine he either seems only minimally interested, just to be polite, or he instantly points out all the negatives. I now avoid suggesting anything or buying things or sharing ideas or thoughts because they tend to be ignored or he plays "devils advocate" constantly so I get no positive reinforcement. Or if he is in a mood to put a lot of effort in it just feels like he is trying to prove he is interested in it. It doesnt ring true.

Fuck there are a million examples they are all trivial when alone but put together I just feel so angry towards him and so trapped.

I have confronted and cried and asked for change for 8 years and he usually tries, though not lately as the last few years everything has been my fault. He will say "sorry you got upset" not "sorry I was an arse" All the changes he makes are temporary and I just dont want to be with him anymore. I get nothing out of it but a roof over my head and someone who cooks dinner & helps around the house. Emotionally he is pretty useless for me. We dont seem like friends anymore and certainly not lovers nor have been for a long time.

I want to be happy with him but I dont even feel like I know him anymore. He sometimes says things I really disagree with, morally, and other times just seems like a man who goes to work comes home and doesnt do much else. I am so unhappy.

I feel like I know where you're coming from and my situation is very similar. I wouldn't say my H was emotionally abusive, just emotionally stunted. He doesn't seem to know or want to make the effort to know, how to put things right - even though he claims to want to. I'm also a sahm, don't drive, little money and I also feel trapped in some ways but bound by my marriage vows (which I didn't take lightly). My H tells me he loves me blah blah blah but has a real difficulty in showing it and making me feel special. He is so infuriating to argue with because he either starts a fight then walks away, or just changes tack half way through. I feel the urge to bang my head really hard against a brick wall when we argue. Having said all that, we have two children who adore him and he adores them and I couldn't live with myself if I broke that up. So for now, like you, it's a case of putting my feelings behind everyone elses. It's shit but I don't know what else I can do with my limited resources. I feel for you

Carryonuptheliffey, your post of 20.51 is brilliant and incredibly moving. Good for you.

Come on JWOOT, talk to us, you have touched us. You are not just an OP. If you don't believe me, look at the hearts on sleeves here......

Thanks dustbuster!

Lessonlearned, no cultural differences really, just on top of being crushed and trapped I was too far from my Mum!!

My x was a controlling man, which would have been unacceptable in England or Ireladn. I hid it from my english friends and I hid it from my Irish family. Because I knew that if I confessed how bad it was, everybody would just say 'leeeeeeave' and I was paralysed to do that. I could only admit how awful it was and how miserable I'd been ten seconds before I left!!

And if I had said 'leave' all my culture/family would have said 'stay' so maybe I got it wrong....(in relation to us, not my Dex H's - no regrets there).
All the more reason for talking here, I would say....

at 10 seconds

A lifetime of lack, fog, misery and trying, crystalized in a 10 second flash of the future.

A better future.

Tough, but immeasurably better.

jwoot, I understand, as many do, that you started this thread, for many reasons, but your question was NOT should I leave?

You started this thread:
to offload,
as an attempt to find some clarity, to "think aloud"
to get some insight from others
to see the words written down
...and many other reasons.

You are quite right to discount any suggestions by any of us...just to up and leave. You know yourself best, and you obviously know that you are not yet at that stage. You may be one day, by which time you will be ready. Or you may manage to get the relationship back on track.

You are in a tough place right now. Good luck, keep strong.

(and sorry to have droned on!)

This sounds like my mum and dad - only it's my mum that's your husband. They have been together almost 40 years, goodness only knows how.

I used to think my mum didn't know how nasty she was, but when told to lift her game or not see ds, she did manage to improve (but not completely - it's a habit for her now).

Things change in 8 years, when you have a child, when you get a new job, and things that worked before - such as the going to bed thing won't work forever. Tell him this isn't working and you are going to try some different ways.

Always having to blame someone for everything and reinventing what you have said. I think as your ds gets older you have the opportunity to explain to him on an almost daily basis that "fault" doesn't matter - solving problems does. Hopefully you dh will hear some of these and relax a bit.

Another one you will probably try to use with ds which will also be handy for dh is instead of saying "where is ...?", ask "can you help me find...?"

i can't believe how quick people are to call normal relationship stuff "abuse."

and how easy it is to justify leaving a marriage, and claiming it is better for the children, when that is hardly ever true.

i am all for girl power or whatever you want to call it but there are two sides to every story.

How can anyone say our OP would be happier if she left? that is so defeatist and LAME.

She clearly still loves her DH and wants to make it work.

hi all! dont worry I didnt go away because I didnt want to talk - I did because I asked DH to read this whole thread - he did, got quite tearful & we talked about it.

I have said to him honestly I havent got much energy for him anymore. And he accepts that. I dont know exactly how things are going to pan out but I know I am not ready at this point to walk out. I just could not by any means trust I was doing the right thing. And I would probably regret it and feel a lot of guilt.

So for me, right now, the only thing I can do is try to make it work with him. He is happy to go to marriage counselling. It helped him reading this thread - he was shocked so many of you felt he was abusive or borderline so, or controlling or whatever.

My honest feeling - I dont have much faith in him. And I have said as much to him. I know he loves me and I know he means well but I think he is emotionally selfish and lazy and that generally makes me think he wont do much long term change. But I dont hate him and we have a lot to try to save - family, history, etc. So I am going to try again.

That is the decision I have come to today. I never stop soul searching over this issue and I am a very honest person - if I think it wont work I will end it. And if you all fancy hearing my mad ramblings I will keep talking to you - but I suspect you would be bored stiff.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart though for caring enough about me, a virtual stranger, to share your own stories and try to fight for my happiness. I appreciate it immensely. And though it hasnt resulted in me leaving, as perhaps some of you think I should, it has resulted in a splash of cold water in DH's face. And maybe that is enough to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

I will pop back to see what you have to say about this post I am making now later tonight before I go to sleep - now I am going to go talk to DH and try to just relax and have fun with him. (wine is involved)

Hello everyone - I've read this thread and have very little to say except that I'll be thinking of you justwantoutofthis.

i have a few suggestions though.

Echo: repeat "You'll be back at 3pm" to your Dh after he says "I'll be back at 3pm" repeat it again - "I'm hearing you say that you'll be back at 3pm".

Write down the duties you share together - getting DS's bag for school for eg, you do one week he does next week. Write it down and put it up as a chart.

Next time your DH says - Where's his bag? I thought you were doing it? look up to the chart and without any emotion say, "I don't know where his bag is, it's your week", and turn away.
It isn't an argument after all.
Do this for all the other chores round about the house and shopping - make a list of all the things you buy every week and stick it up - one chicken, one bag of potatoes, two loaves of bread... etc etc.. takes all the guessing out of it and when there is a list there can be no dodging responsibility. So he takes the list one week and buys the groceries on the list, next week you do it.

And don't do his jobs for him. Absolutely never never. If Ds doesn't get his bag, and has to go into school without it, he'll realise who is there to support him and who is not.

Personally, I'm at a loss to see how being a good cop all the time is being a brilliant dad.
Making out you are the big bad wolf who spoils all the fun, sounds very disrespectful and harmful to me.
Your Dh sounds like he's not fully engaged in the workings of having a child - just interested in the 'nice' moments.

Is there any way that you can leave your Dh to it one time a week - go to a course - go for a walk at DC's bedtime?

I think it would be very good to write up with your Dh and your DS on what needs to be done every night to get him ready for bed, washing faces and brushing teeth, getting bags ready, pjs on, book read, etc etc within a time frame.

Make writing this list a game with your DS getting engaged in the process, encourage him to draw pictures etc on the list, put the list somewhere prominent, and then leave your DH and your DS to it one night a week. Just step out for a half hour walk if there is no course, or anything nearby.

I feel for you and hope that these few suggestions of ECHOING back exactly what he says to you when he promises something, WRITING down things to do, and getting all the family involved in the process in a non emotional way will help.

The next steps for you I'm thinking, are getting a part time job, and learning to drive / getting some independent transport, and widening your circle of support and connections.

Well done for posting here - it's not easy to bare all before strangers: I hope we aren't too hard on you in what seems like a very challenging situation.
Good luck

Goodnightmoon

"How can anyone say our OP would be happier if she left? that is so defeatist and LAME."

I'm astonished that a woman can say this in the year 2009. Shockened and saddened.
Leaving a happy, functioning marriage would not make a woman happier, but if you seriously believe that a woman can not make a happier life for herself and her child when she only has to deal with her own moods, mess, worries then you are living in a past century, where the stigma of being a single mother would have outweighed the enormous peace of mind and independence that comes with starting again.

My x was not 100% bad you know. He just fell into the habit of treating me a less important person than himself, and that impinged upon everything we did. Every tiny little thing.

There was a size 12 shoe on my soul, and now I have a spring back in my step. It is impossible to explain this to somebody whose sphere of reference is a healthy, functioning marriage where the two parties are equal.

JWOOT I'm sorry if I upset you, because I guess that's the last thing you have room for. Being upset my some random internet sprite on a forum. I don't go 'round advising people to leave happy marriages, but I believe, from what YOU have said that you don't need this marriage. You are conforming to an ideal, fearful of starting again. And I completely understand that because I was at that stage for about 2 years before my eureka moment.

And finally, to quote the Red Hot Chilli Peppers if I may! "This life more than just a read thru"

carryon you havent upset me, dont worry And I dont think you do around trying to break up marriages by any means. You see things in my marriage which are wrong and I respect you for reaching out to me.

Justwantoutofthis, I know you're not me, but I can't help seeiing comparisons. My relationship followed this cycle, me feeling put upon or abused, a huge argument, me crying utterly distraught, followed by me clinging to one tiny spurious bit of hope.

We went on like that for years really, because like a pp said earlier, I just don't think my husband really wanted to change, he liked the set up where he made every important decision and I trotted around nervously pandering to all his needs. My needs were ALL secondary in his mind, although he wouldn't have admitted that out loud. He could have argued his way out of a locked glass box, and it would have all sounded quite reasonable while he was promising it or saying it, but bottom line was nothing ever changed.
He did consider me less important and his needs more important.

My x only went to counselling twice. It just prolonged the agony. Better to rip off the plaster quickly imo.

CarryOn - please - i am just saying that people are so quick to say - he's a jerk, leave him, he's abusing you - when the OP is saying, no, he's a good man, we've just got some issues to work out.

You seem to think she is deluding herself and would be happier divorced. From the little we both know of her situation, I strongly disagree. Divorce is the easy way out, IMO. I don't know your situation but I accept that you felt you had to do it and are much happier now. That doesn't mean it is for everyone.

I do believe women can make happier lives outside of an unhappy marriage - of course, that is evident. But it is rarely happier for the child, unless the mother and/or child was subject to abuse. Most children would prefer to listen to their parents fighting than to have a parent out of their life.

The child is also usually less well-off financially because of a divorce. that may sound like a worry from another century but it does impact the child's future immensely.

I agree with your sound perspective goodnightmoon.

When he defers child discipline/ decisions to you, reply with "What do you think should happen? You're his parent too, and your opinion is just as important. This one is up to you"

It doesn't matter if he puts your ds1 to bed 30 minutes later than you would have done.

My ex tried to make me responsible for EVERYTHING by refusing to ever make a decision. I deal with it now by offering a choice, or stating clearly "That's up to you, you don't need me to make that decision for you".

When he does things like assuming you know where everything is, do you challange him on that? Do you say "No, I don't know where it is, I haven't had it any more than you have - why would you assume I know where it is?" or do you try not to cause a scene?

When he tries to send you to bed, do you challenge him on it? Do you say "I'm not ten, stop trying to send me to be. It's not my fault you're weird about your prep routine"

When he sites you as the reason for everythin your ds isn't allowed to do, do you openly correct him? Do you say "That isn't ture, YOU don't want him to touch X, if I cared I'd have said something myself."

To be honest I'd get thee to relate.

Maybe you need to cause a scene!

NB, Salem1 thinks violence is ok if you're provoked. I explained to him that this bullshit and he does a little confused face followed by a little smiley face.

Salem1, you sound a dangerous type of man imo. "violence is OK" and "here's a tip, men want respect".

Your perspective isn't worth much.

Goodnightmoon, you're right, divorce is much easier than being married to a moody controlling bully. I can't disagree with you there.

My children are MUCH better off now. One of the most commonly peddled myths is that children are always better off when the family stays together. We only feel like a proper family (of 3) now. I never felt like a family before. We were a bunch of tortured souls living under the same roof, but yeah, no real money worries so that was grand.

I am a bit disturbed by this thread. I don't think OPs DH is a controlling person. Of course i don't know him or her, but thats just not what im reading here. I see a couple in a rut - a SAHM who is clearly intelligent, struggling to establish herself over here, in small village. I am a SAHM and i can tell you, i climb the walls sometimes. I used to post berating my DP too, but i did realise, I am responsible for my own happiness (my counsellor will be very pleased with me for typing that). I cannot expect it to come from DP.

I think the bandwagon of "emotional abuse" is terrible. Yeah, so he is a bit of a fuck wit - hes a man. My DP will phone me and tell me he will be home, realise he needs something from the builders merchant - go there, but not bother to ring me and tell me - it drives me nuts, he has NO concept of time. I can't be arsed to get mad about it anymore - its just the way he is. We bicker and snipe - we have our problems, but he is not emotionally abusing me. I think this thread could potentially do alot of damage to the OPs relationship (i know you are a person OP, but i can't scroll back to your name - im quite sloshed ).

I am really glad you are going to do counselling, I think you can save your relationship and get back to loving him like you did. I'm not saying he is without fault, but there are invariably two sides to each story - thats good though, it empowers you to be able to do something about the situation. If after the counselling he doesn't engage - then its time to rethink - i hope you make it. I honestly wish you luck

Please can we stop the man bashing - Im not niave, there are some cruel bastards out there, i just don't think this man is one of them.

Salem1 ...are you N1?

LEm, this is nothing to do with men bashing. It is because we know that normal men aren't like this and that this is atypical that in it not to be accepted without being challenged.

I like you, I read your posts and I think you're a straightforward girl, but you are a little naive if you thnk this has anything to do with men-bashing or bandwagons.

I wondered that gettingagrip.

Carryon....are you me?

You might be!! I'm the Irish you.

Hey, check out Salem mocking me on the other thread. Cheeky fekker, it'd be funny if he weren't like a character from a Jeffrey Deaver novel.