Right, listen up everybody.

[RealityIsMyOnlyValentine]

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

AnyFucker - thanks, tying myself in knots.. Morris - emotional and sexual diarrhoea, I can't wait to take that phrase to work tomorrow. Just about sums it up. I do love this thread, by the way. Very easy matter to forget...

I agree with your post, however, I hope it does not make abused women feel they 'should' have no fear of escape if that is their instinct.
Please spare a thought for the many women (and tragically sometimes their children) who are killed or made to suffer because they dare to stand up for themselves. You may also consider the many women who not only lose their children for the same reasons, but also suffer poverty and family (and societies) rejection as a result.
It may seem that women able to either choose or refuse a rod for their own back but sometimes culture tradition and paternalistic attitudes mean they face very real danger.

Reality- thank you. It confirms to me that being single is the better option for me at the moment!

Lessonlearned, I understand what you're saying, but in general, the safest thing you can do to protect yourself and your children is to leave.

I will dig out some statistics in a minute, but far more women are killed by their current partner than by an ex.

There are systems in place and organisations to help women and children fleeing abuse, these could always be better but for the vast majority of women, leaving does mean a better life.

I make no apologies for making abused women feel they should have no fear of escape, actually.

I actually wouldn't advocate 'standing up for yourself' with a violent man, as that is the point that things often escalate.

The advice from Womens' Aid is to make your plans to leave in secret, gather together important papers and passports and money, and have somewhere safe to go, whether that's a refuge or to stay with family/friends. Make sure the police are aware of a history of violence, tell them that you are leaving, and, if at all possible, leave while your partner isn't there.

In most cases, women are more at risk of losing their children if they stay in a violent relationship. The threat from an abusive man of taking your children is usually an empty one.

So very well said. Bravo!

I would not disagree, but if you consider that the most dangerous time for a woman is often when she tries to leave, then it is flippant to dismiss any (very real) fear.
I would still encourage any woman to get out with help if neccesary, and I echo the voices here who say that freedom is just so, so sweet when you get it.
I just wanted to remind people that it is sometimes not that easy as just making up your mind and reorganising your life.
I don't know if you remember ukrainmamma's recent thread where she pointed out that, because of attitudes, a divorced woman in her country would be better off dead. Faced with societies hostility, some women can find it hard (in some cultures impossible) to find the help they need to escape.
My own families attitude was the old chestnut 'stand by your man' and consequently I only told them once I was well on my way out.

applauds

If you don't mind, I am going to copy and paste this to a friend who is going through a divorce at the moment.

I think Realitys post should be stickied to the top of the relationships topic!

Have only just seen this ...spot on, spot on. I can really relate to it too personally, having been in a seriously abusive relationship ("but its not like he's hitting me") and contemplated suicide at points as a way out. I don't think I have stopped smiling since I managed to leave, and now I have been in a very happy relationship for 3 years. It is like comparing night and day.

Fantastic post!

bump cos this needs stickied

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Well done, you're very right.
But what I also think is a big problem is the idea that if you don't have a couple-relationship you're a freak or a failure, which also contributes to peope staying with horrible partners just so they can say they are not single - and then people who leave abusive relationships getting, with depressing speed, stuck into only-slightly-less abusive ones (because they are lonely and scared and predators smell vulnerability and move in.)

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Missed this the first time round, but it's fab!

I agree 'relationship' studies shuld be part of every curriculum, never mind eggs and sperm and how it all works , but how to respect yourself, take pride in yourself and respect others.

Only by teaching our children this can we break the cycle of binge drinking, teenage pregnancies, violence, divorces, oh it goes on and on.

Excellent, excellent OP. i think i might print that off and give it to my SIL.

Well said, Reality.

I don't know if DS's dad was abusive to me, but he certainly treated me abysmally - utterly without respect - in the months before we separated, and I would agree with another poster that the "maybe it was me - maybe something I did invited this" thought lingers. I honestly believe this is partly true, and that doesn't sound good, in the context of this thread.

I don't believe the majority of relationships are all that, TBH, but I do agree with a lot of what you said ... if that's not too much of a contradiction!

FWIW, some child/developmental psychologists believe that between the ages of three and six (roughly), children go through the 'romantic phase' of development. It's at this time that they learn more about relationships, mostly from their parents, than at any other time, and begin mapping out their own relationship patterns and templates for the future. So, the teaching of healthy relationships in (presumably secondary) schools could help, but it's not enough.

Parents need to do their damnedest to get it right in the first place, or fix it, and that means leaving abusive partners, because although this involves the distress of separating parents, the ultimate lesson to the child about what is and is not acceptable in relationships is priceless.

BUMP!

Have only read the OP but would like to add a big round of applause for RealityIsMyValentine.

Amen!

my god some of these things here really ringing for me, i am going through yet another relationship breakdown- seem too very often (same person) i always get back with him and forgive everything! tbh i think have total trouble percieving things, but when i read OP i feel maybe the relationship is not healthy at all and i should have listened to my instincts a long time ago!

if it is really possible to have a relationship which the op must have then i am so utterly jealous!

I'm in an abusive relationship, and I agree with everything you said. There are good men out there, however abuse is very common, on a contiuum from name calling to strangulation and murder. This stems not from uncontrollable rage ( funny how these bastards can wait till they get home) but from a deeply ingrained problem in society. Books on abuse written in the 70's say "Most abuse can be linked to verbal assaults by the victim during the day" and even "Children can provoke their own abuse".Just because laws change, doesn't mean attitudes do. Out of 20 female friends and accquaintances 17 have been hit at some point or other. One ended up with a punctured lung. One couldn't sit down for a week. My sons are taught from now that if they ever lay a hand on a female, they'll be in trouble, even if a girl hits them in the playground etc.

This needs to be stickied

It helped me i know and would help a lot of others going through the same thing xx

Is it possible to get it sticky-ed it at the top of the relationships section? I've only ever seen stickies on 'active convos'

P.S. If only there was a way that Reality earned 10p every time anyone reads this and feels better - I reckon she'd be well on the way to be rich by now!