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Original poster

Men, Relationships and Porn (again!)

75 replies

Janos · 06/04/2005 14:38

I know it's an old chestnut but I've noticed a few blokes hanging round in here (and giving some good advice!) So thought I'd bring this up as I'm particlarly looking for a male persepctive, as well as wondering how other MNetters 'deal' with this issue.

Basically my DP looks at this stuff...I find it upsetting and threatening. I feel like I don't match up to the women in these pictures (I'm quite overweight and short..no-one's idea of glam quite frankly!). He reassures me that he's not comparing and till finds me attractive. I should point out that we generally have a really great relationship, it's just this niggling away at me...

Anyway, just wondered what people have to say..all advice/opnions welcome.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 06/04/2005 14:40

Don't think i've ever replied on one of these threads so i will this time.

Dp does watch porn and look at it on the computer.
I am not that bothered by it but if i had a choice he wouldn't look at it.
The thing that really pees me off is that he then expects sex afterwards, which makes me feel so cheap and so he doesn't get it.

SkiBunnyFlummy · 06/04/2005 14:42

I think most blokes look at a bit of porn.

It can feel a bit intimidating but is natural for them to get turned on by it.

I like a good gawp at David Beckham but I still love my dp dearly.

Don't you check out tasty blokes when you see them?

I'm a bird too by the way.

Original poster
Janos · 06/04/2005 14:43

That upsets me too nutcracker. I try to be tolerant of it but it really does upset me sometimes. I find it really cheap and nasty TBH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 06/04/2005 14:47

I do notice attractive men...and I know he notices other women, that's completely normal and I don't have a problem with it.

It's the porn that I don't like.

OP posts:
northerner · 06/04/2005 14:48

Men just love porn. Think even if you looked like Pamela Anderson he'd still look at porn.

Original poster
Janos · 06/04/2005 14:50

northerner. I do have big boobs but that's as far as it goes I'm afraid!

OP posts:
koalabear · 06/04/2005 14:53

i wouldn't be concerned about the window-shopping - men are visual by nature

i would only be concerned if he gets obsessed by it and NEEDS to look at it to get turned on, or if he decides to shop somewhere else

Listmaker · 06/04/2005 14:55

My exp was another one to be looking at porn on the internet til all hours of the night and I found it really pathetic tbh.

I do look at men skibunny and I admit that if they were naked I'd definitely have a look but I'm not bothered enough to go searching the internet for it or to buy magazines etc. I think it would soon get very boring and repetitive after a while though. One starts to look much like another!!!

I'm just glad my new dp is not interested in that sort of thing (well no more than I am iyswim!). I feel for you Janos and would find it upsetting and threatening too as I am also no model shape! Really not sure what you can do about it - at least he's honest with you I suppose. My exp did it all in secret which made it even more sordid. He never wanted sex with me after though - think he was sorting himself out! Mmmmm wonder why he's my ex??!!

koalabear · 06/04/2005 14:56

agree with listmaker - if you know about it, and he's honest, then that's a really positive thing

cod · 06/04/2005 14:56

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 06/04/2005 14:57

Dh says he has never compared those on porn films with me or whoever he was with at the time. It's a separate entity. I watch it with dh and i don't compare the men with him either.

cod · 06/04/2005 15:00

Message withdrawn

Bozza · 06/04/2005 15:26

Oh I thought DH was doing it (ie going away on business) to get a good night's sleep and a cooked breakfast. You have spoilt the illusion Cod.

Original poster
Janos · 06/04/2005 15:34

The kids found it in a video...OMG, how awful.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 06/04/2005 15:39

As a bloke, I do like a bit of porn now and again. I don't compare my dw to it because she is so much better, as I'm sure your dh's feel that you all are. Porn is just a visual "fix" if you like, it's like having a bit of chocolate when peckish. The only time I want sex after watching it is if dw and I are watching together. I would think I had a problem if I watched it to get turned on enough to shag my missus. You really shouldn't feel threatened by it, men are visual as someone already said.
I keep it well out of the way and ensure it's thoroughly packed away after watching though. I'd feel sick if my kids found it.

HappyDaddy · 06/04/2005 15:42

If my dw had a problem with it, I'd get rid of it, though. I wouldn't miss it, either.

Bugsy2 · 06/04/2005 15:49

Janos, don't feel threatened. I'm sure if one of the women from a porn mag approached your DP, he'd be terrified!!!
Have you ever thought of looking with him? I actually find it quite entertaining (obviously mainstream consenting adult stuff!!!!!).

nutcracker · 06/04/2005 16:23

I have watched some of it with him but still am not impressed, still makes me feel cheap.

I can garuntee that if dp goes on the computer he will go on porn site, unless the kids are around that is.

Original poster
Janos · 06/04/2005 16:32

HappyDaddy, thanks for your comments - that is pretty much what DP says, and I do trust him it just makes me feel uneasy.

I have tried looking Bugsy2..tbh I think, what's the appeal? They all look the same. Also some of the women look a bit..um..scary.

The ones I really don't like are the amateur style ones. I find them hugely creepy. Mot so much bothered about the Jordan type ones, where it's obviously done 'professionally'.

I remember finding some of my dad's stuff under the bed when I was 11...euuuuuryk.

OP posts:
wild · 07/04/2005 11:10

I found some stuff on ds old computer history a while ago it was one morning just b4 he was going away for 'boys' weekend'
then another batch b4 away on business
He disconnected computer a while ago cos it had picked up a virus and was shutting itself down etc apparently this virus had corrupted hard disk and was generating the sites
well I know viruses do odd things but the dates/times seem a little odd, call me cynical
I don't mind the porn as such tho it seems a bit woman hating, the versions coming up here, but its secrecy and the fact dp is asexual and irritable with me and the fact it is b4 he is off somewhere
don't understand the appeal really, what's wrong with real thing
Male friend told me it doesn't substitute for reality, and not to worry that dp would be looking to 're-enact' anything, but still
he is very angry that I asked him about it

scoot · 07/04/2005 11:31

logged on computer yesterday. Went to the history to find an website address. what do I discover but a list of porn sites my DP has NO knowledge of!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I happened to be out and not used to pc that day!

I am aware that men will be boys and have to have a peek. But why the dishonesty?

So now we are back to having a GHOST in our house and a porn fanatic at that! I AM SCARED TO GET UNDRESSED for what the spirits might see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

snafu · 07/04/2005 11:47

I don't think I've ever replied on one of these threads either. I hate it, I think it's degrading and cheapening and, whilst I know that most men use it from time to time, I think men who use it habitually while in a relationship are rather pathetic.

I was sick and tired of logging on to the computer to find the history crammed with hardcore porn sites (that dh bizarrely knew absolutely nothing about...), sick of being called frigid when I didn't 'perform' like a porn star, sick of being told that it was okay for him to spend all night surfing the net for porn while I was pregnant because after all "I've got to get it somewhere and it's not like I'm getting anything from you, is it?"

Sorry for the rant and probably TMI . But I think the point is that if it makes you feel cheap or bad, then dh should respect that otherwise it does have repercussions. I don't think it's the same as 'checking out a tasty bloke'.

HappyDaddy · 07/04/2005 11:55

snafu, i agree completely. your dh's attitude is completely out of order. he IS using it to replace you which I'd never do.
My dw keeps asking when i'm going to buy some more dvds but I can't be arsed.

Bugsy2 · 07/04/2005 12:05

Agree, to use porn to threaten someone with their own reluctance to engage sexually (for very valid reasons) is bullying and unpleasant.
However, I do think that porn within a relationship can be fun. If your DW wants you to get more dvds HappyDaddy - go buy them - it must tick her boxes.
Everyone has slightly different sexual preferences and just because they are not yours, does not mean that they need necessarily be wrong or a threat to your relationship. I like to see what my partner is into as it gives me an idea of the sort of thing they like - but I do think that needs to be a two way process.

Caligula · 07/04/2005 12:06

I wouldn't want to be with a man who used porn regularly, but I'm pretty hardline about it.

I just think it's a question of being a grown up. The odd bit of porn here or there is different from regular use of it which is offensive to a partner. It's like any other hobby imo - if he was playing too much golf, or prioritising collecting Dr Who memorabilia, or something, at the cost of family life and harmony, the normal advice would be that he has to cut back. Same with porn, imo. It just shouldn't be a big part of an adult's life if his partner is unhappy about it.

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