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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men, Relationships and Porn (again!)

75 replies

Janos · 06/04/2005 14:38

I know it's an old chestnut but I've noticed a few blokes hanging round in here (and giving some good advice!) So thought I'd bring this up as I'm particlarly looking for a male persepctive, as well as wondering how other MNetters 'deal' with this issue.

Basically my DP looks at this stuff...I find it upsetting and threatening. I feel like I don't match up to the women in these pictures (I'm quite overweight and short..no-one's idea of glam quite frankly!). He reassures me that he's not comparing and till finds me attractive. I should point out that we generally have a really great relationship, it's just this niggling away at me...

Anyway, just wondered what people have to say..all advice/opnions welcome.

OP posts:
snafu · 07/04/2005 12:07

You'd never use it to replace me? Aaaah, cheers HD

Just to clarify, I do think there is a place for it in a relationship. Watching it together for example, is great if you both want to. But some men don't know when enough is enough!

wild · 07/04/2005 12:10

I think I was shocked cos I'd kind of got used to assuming Dp was asexual as he never showed much rl interest or enthusiasm and was full of excuses to avoid the issue
Then I find these sites and I can't get my head round it
I know computer did have virus, is it possible he is telling the truth?

wild · 07/04/2005 12:10

I think I was shocked cos I'd kind of got used to assuming Dp was asexual as he never showed much rl interest or enthusiasm and was full of excuses to avoid the issue
Then I find these sites and I can't get my head round it
I know computer did have virus, is it possible he is telling the truth?

snafu · 07/04/2005 12:11

IME, no wild, he's not telling the truth I used to get that excuse as well - it was utter bollocks.

snafu · 07/04/2005 12:13

Sorry, that sounded a bit flippant

DaddyCool · 07/04/2005 12:16

do these guys not know how to delete the history!! sounds like they need lessons in computing 101!

Anyway... i would find the continual use quite offensive. i have a look once in a while and can't really help it. part of it's the sexual urge but another part is the extreme curiosity. This is stricly taboo though. I would not tell my wife and if she found any history i would die right there on the spot!

lou33 · 07/04/2005 12:22

does she not read mn daddyc?!

DaddyCool · 07/04/2005 12:22

no, it's not her thing at all.

lou33 · 07/04/2005 12:24

thought you were taking a bit of a gamble there

wild · 07/04/2005 12:25

yeah I think dp was embarrased I think that's why so angry
ALso I never came across this before I think the virus stopped him deleting maybe
I am more horrified tbh he can come up with such a lie when confronted off the cuff and I did believe it for a couple of days till I checked agian and the sites stopped appearing when he did
I would rather talk about it openly than have lies esp as our relatoinship is dire in this area

DaddyCool · 07/04/2005 12:28

yes, embarrassment can quickly turn to anger. it's like trapping an animal in a corner.

i would fess up. she's probably quite aware i have the odd peek (all men do. i'm sorry, but no man who has ever used the internet has not looked at this stuff).

we're pretty straight people. we don't use any 'accessories' whist having sex, we would never think of watching porn together etc etc and i would be deadly embarassed if she caught me.

HappyDaddy · 07/04/2005 12:32

Sorry wild, the virus is a convenient excuse. He probably got the virus from a porn site but I very much doubt that it deleted a thing. I have a lot of experience of this, from my recent job, trust me on this. If he's full of excuses for not wanting sex with you but is looking at porn, he has other issues that he needs to divulge.

DaddyCool · 07/04/2005 12:33

i think HD is right.

wild · 07/04/2005 12:43

That's what I thought really happydaddy
thanks
Not sure what the issues are tho and he will NOT talk (have tried and tried)
do you think if he has a good look b4 he goes away somewhere it means he plans to misbehave as it were when he's away?

wild · 07/04/2005 12:43

and how would you suggest I confront this?

Bugsy2 · 07/04/2005 14:29

wild, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why does it bother you so much?
You dh is a grown up, he is not doing anything illegal. Would you ever consider getting a video & watching it with him?
I don't want to come accross as Little Miss Pervy but I think quite alot of couples can enjoy porn together.

wild · 07/04/2005 14:34

bothers me cos it's furtive and his rl drive is non existent
I'm no prude!

wild · 07/04/2005 14:35

yes I would consider video but he gets annoyed if we are watching tv and a romantic bit comes up
I think he would be mortified to watch stuff with me!
the biggest thing that bother me is the lying

wild · 07/04/2005 14:37

however thanks for the perspective bugsy i am getting in quite a state about it

HappyDaddy · 08/04/2005 07:40

wild, if your dh gets embarrassed when watching romance with you it sounds like he has some problems with public displays of things sexual. Does he have issues with his body? Or self esteem? He really sounds bothered about something that doesn't bother him when he's alone. I doubt that he's planning or stopping himself from doing anything while away but maybe porn is his only contact with sexual matters.

I think I read too many of dw's magazines! .

wheresmyfroggy · 08/04/2005 07:58

Happydaddy dont be sure that everyman who has the internet uses porn sites. I dont and wouldnt use the internet to look at porn. that isnt to say I have never looked at porn full stop , but not on the www.

wild · 08/04/2005 08:29

thanks for that Happydaddy
I think you may be right. I still don't understand it, I'm all for the real thing myself

munz · 08/04/2005 09:15

well I know DH loks at it on here, i'm not bothered at him looking, he works away a lot, and i'd rather he look at mags etc than go off with someone else (not suggesting he would but that my view on things)

the girls in there well they're fantasy, i'm real so that's not so much of an issue besides DH tells me every dya how sexy he thinks I am so that's not so bad.

He even watches porn with his mates - OK granted I don't understand that one, but hell tbh I don't care, for me I'd sooner he do that and tell me than go off with someone and not, has DP told u he looks? If he has i'd suggest he's got nothing to hide by telling u. Worry more if he looks and doesn't tell u.

My DH's view is that all men look at porn regardless of what they tell there parnters. (althou that's his view not mine)

munz · 08/04/2005 09:16

hd - what mags do u read? I should buy more and let my DH read them! lol, althou he's fairly 'in tune' i'm sure he's gay in disguse some times! but that's another thread!

StuartC · 08/04/2005 09:38

First wife didn't like porn, so I never let her find it.
Second wife didn't watch it herself, but had no problems if I watched it.
DP enjoys watching it together (don't know if she also watches it alone). Don't want to be too detailed here - but can't think of a politer way of saying this - her climax is explosive when watching a blue film together.

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