How likeley is it that my dh is narcissistic ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Am wondering if this is a possibility.We are seperated due to his abusive childish and controlling behaviour. We were meant to be trying to sort things out .Within a few days hes gone from trying to sort things out to being caught with someone else.He is now laughing / bragging about this publicly.
I have not asked for an explanation as i know its futile but he apears to have no conscience despite our dcs being devestated.

In the past he has been impossiblt to talk to , he would fly into a rage at any perceived critisism , force me to do things i did not want to do and pretend to cry , threaten to kill himself , rage and put me down.
He also thrives on sympathy and pity and constantly demands attention like a child.

In the past he has gone from girlfreind to girlfeind , seems anyone would do.

He has also sexually molested me ( he admits this but blames me ?) Constantly sexually harrassed me in a degrading way and generally puts nothing in emotionally but takes everything he can.
This is why were seperated.

After reading lots on narcissm ? i wonder if he has got some sort of personality disorder.
The only thing is , his freinds , family , workmates think he is a great bloke. If he had this disorder , sureley it would be evident to other people ? Wouldnt others also be on the receiving end of his behaviour ?
Or is he just a bully ?

Feel like i am waking up after being asleep for a long long time and am very confused and concerned.

[hopefullandfree]

Awww Jazzpants thats absoluteley dreadfull.So glad your now shot of him you deserve so much better.What a cruel bastard having her in your house like that.
As much as your angry at her ( i am at exes ow), think of it shes done you a favour.In a few years when shes on the receiving end of his vile behaviour you,ll be snuggled up to some handsome fit guy and wont give a shit.Exes ow has honestly done me a massive favour as if it wasnt for her i wouldve always give it another go, i was so reluctant to give up on it.

Even after serious financial swizzes on his part and other very serious things , i wouldve always found a possible excuse/ reason for him, maybe this maybe that ect.Now hes involved with her and has lied and fibbed im absoluteley done with him. Have dropped the guilt i felt like hot shit!
Feels good too.

Have been reading and reading various sites today and the more i read the more i recognise cetain traits about him.Honestly wonder why i was ever so afraid to stand up to him.Think its cos i knew when i did he would slope off.

Despite his vile message yesterday that he doesnt ever want to hear from me , he called me tonight asking if i wanted to go out for the evening as though nothing has happened !!
Anyway, went to school earlier to collect dc and loads of the parents commented on how well i looked, " have you lost weight? Your hairs loveley, you look fab !"
Yes i do and for once i feel it.And,,, im actually wearing matching socks !

Does yours still try and engage you jazzpants or does he leave you alone now hes got his next victim?

[N1]

The proof is in the pudding...

[jazzpants]

no he doesnt, he just says he hates me and this is all my fault, he doesnt like the fact that I tell everyone now what he is capable of and how he has treated me, I am still close to his nan and his sister and they think he is a disgarce, he has treated his sister badly over the years also so she knows exactly what he can be like.His behaviour changes in the fact one minute he is abusive and threatening me the next minute he will speak to me as though nothing has happened. I certainly believe he has mental health issues but also he is just a selfish wanker, it was the little things that used to really annoy me for example he would never help around the house and even after I had cleaned up he again would make a mess, always leave washing on the floor! and when I was 8 months pregnant I was still working full time but would always get up to walk the dog before work at 5.30am as I used to start work just after 7am, he never once offered to do it even though he didnt start work till 9am and it was winter, I always enjoyed the exercise but the offer would have been nice just once. Dont get me wrong we had some good times but not half as many as the bad.
h has told many financial lies and has alot of debt probably more than I am aware of he was always incharge of finances so was a bit of a culture shock when I got bank statements from our joint account. I certainly am glad this girl has done me a favour and I know she will be me in 10yrs time.Alao discovered h injects steroids, testosterone and smokes canabis something he hid from me for a long tme, I only found out when I discovered lots of syringes and glass bottles ect at the back of the cupboard in our spare room.
used to be very close to his mom but felt quite hurt as she knew about this and never told me and also knew about the o/w she was upset and said she didnt feel it was her place, this I understand and we do speak on occassion but I am not really interested now in keeping in touch with her as I feel she has condoned his behaviour, which is a shame as like I say we were close.I also feel furious he was incharge of our son while I was at work and I wasnt aware of this, although I do not thi nk he would ever do this infront of our son but he has shocked me so much I honestly do not know him and feel very silly that my 10yr relationship was a sham, but also think I have very good grounds for divorce! lol

its great that you feel strong enough to leave him, good for you! I definately think one day you just think what AM i DOING????

I cannot believe he asked if you wanted to go out - he must have a screw loose!

[hopefullandfree]

Jazzpants, thats shit.Mine also had serious debts that hes hidden from me for years and im sure ill discover more in the next few years.

Is shocking to realise that you can live with someone, marry someone and then discover you know very little about them.I now see that i never knew him at all , he presented a front to me that was nothing like he really was.It simply wasnt real.

I only began to seriously have concerns a few years ago when he was involved with fraud and saw to it that a colleague took the rap and was sacked.He bragged about this and at this point his mask began to slip.

I now feel contaminated and dirty from our sham of a marriage , but at the same time i am feeling more and more like the old me, before he sucked me into his twisted version of reality where there was no boundaries .Feel like ive been walking through fog, these years have passed so quickly and i feel ive been absent from my own life.Who was that person who took my place and why?

Im also acuteley aware of the fact that if he couldve physically abused me he would have , despite him being much larger than me i can hold my own and have been trained to do so.
I honesty think only this stopped him as he knew i would fight back, much quicker and better.

I understand that his ow has her own troubles,she has aparently just escaped an extremeley abusive relationship.I can imagine his eyes lighting up at the prospect of an easy target.

Last time i saw him he loked differant, although obviouly he has not changed.Instead of seeing the man i thought was my husband i saw who he really was.
I noticed how he spat his words out like a toddler, how full of venom and rage he is, and when i looked in his eyes there was something horrible there.How i chose not to see it for so long i dont know.

I think for some reason i was unwilling to admit to myself what was really going on as the truth of it wouldve been too horrible to bare.
A man who sexually abuses me, violates me in every sense of the word, who took pleasure in my confusion and upset.When im being kind to myself i reason that i simply wasnt ready to face it.

[hopefullandfree]

I also now see that all the things he accused me of being, he was .Sometimes i indulge myself in thoughts of revenge, but dont really need to..He wakes up every day with a simmering rage, he abuses people in order to make himself feel good and he runs from person to person looking for attention and pity. How miserable and damaged must he be on the inside.

I cannot beleive that just a few months ago i was actually engaged in a discussion with him about his sexual abuse of me, and how it was all my fault, i deserved it. And the most disturbing thing is,,i actually sat there and listened to this sick shit and tried to reason with him, tried to explain how it made me feel while he sat there feeling big and powerfull for overpowering a woman who was half his size.

Have had very little contact with him, but i can tell he thinks im still the little brainwashed zombie like wife hes enjoyed for all these years. What a shock he will get .

Feel like running around shouting " im back, im back !"

[jazzpants]

lol, I wonder if we are married to the same man? we can then add bigamist to the list also!, my x is also huge though most of it is steroid abuse, did you say you have children together? and is your name on any of his debts?, my x deducts £70 a month for his credit cards out of my maintenance for our son, he says when he lived here and we decorated I need to pay for that plaster, paint ect as it is not going to benefit him anymore! this is why im now starting divorce proceedings you cannot reason with this
moron, the cheek of it is as my hubby is so lazy I did most of the painting which I chose and paid for with my own wage! grrrr

[hopefullandfree]

Hi Jazzpants,
My name is is not on his debts but the soliciter tells me that as we are married it is classed as joint debt.I would imagine he owes in excess of 100,000.He has swizzed me and conived financially and has gone back on his word several times.

He feels i should be responsible for his debts as " i wouldnt work ", and as he sees it ive lived here rent free for all these years.!!!
With hindsight its quite clear that he was plotting financially, before he left he put a lot of his debts onto this house.Soliciter says it makes no differance as the debts wouldve been paid off with the profit from the house anyway, regardless of whos debts they were.
It does make a differance though as the mortgage payments are sky high and in reality i will be forced to sell as i cannot meet the mortgage payments.I dont doubt this was deliberate.
He is a lying coniving twat .

[jazzpants]

if you can prove the debts are his though you must have common grounds to not have to take responsiblity for this shit! I am waiting for my first appointment to discuss the financial matters but as I have proof that twat face has been messing around with money I was told this would work in my favour.
For example in one day he put £1000 on the lottery! I did not discover this untill 3 yrs down the line when I received my 6 yrs of bank statements,I sound so naive I am sure, but I was with this man a long time and for yrs I believed what he told me, in a lot of silly ways I think the reason I stayed was I wanted the happy marriage and kids and thought that I wouldnt meet anyone else - which sounds horrendous and I feel very ashamed to admit that I put up with this and he pulled the wool over my eyes for so long.I really want to keep the house but have a feeling he will try and bully me into selling to clear some of his debts,I have a very good job but only work part time so am in no way in a position to buy again. Its all very messy and sometimes I see my friends happy and settled and think why me? which is awful because I wouldnt wish this on anyone,

[hopefullandfree]

Your not naive, you obviously had no reason to doubt him, nor did i. We are nice, kind, trusting people and they use it against us.The really tragic part is that i dont feel i will ever really trust somebody ever again.Well, trust myself i suppose.

I stupidly miss him tonight, even though i know hes a fake and a liar, i know hes cosied up with his ow and we are now non existant to him, apart from when he needs a fix every now and then.
Heartbreaking that they take so much then off they go without a backward glance, no explanation, no sense of closure , nothing.And then you realise you dont even know this person youve spent half your life with.
Its a horrible realisation.
Was reading a site earlier and it was saying why its so hard to let go despite the fact you know there a twat.It said it feels like theyve got something of yours, and they have, its part of your soul that theyve stolen away.

Sounds dramatic but i feel like that sometimes.

[jazzpants]

take comfort that this man will end up sad and alone! he cannot go through life treating people like this and be happy, you will be good in time with your head held high, it may not seem like it now but one day this o/w will not be around and he will be a sad lonely only man. I never miss my x he destroyed anything I ever felt for him, I feel sad every time my son says "bye bye daddy see you soon", that breaks my heart each and evry time and I hate that tosser for that.
Can I ask how old you are? and where abouts you live? and I right in thinking you have children also?

[hopefullandfree]

Hi jazzpants, im in the north west, mid 30s and i have children.

Am struggling tonight, think its cos i know hes cosied up with his new victim slagging me off. Still struggle with the illusion.

[jazzpants]

am sorry that you are having a bad time, hope today is better for you x