How likeley is it that my dh is narcissistic ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Am wondering if this is a possibility.We are seperated due to his abusive childish and controlling behaviour. We were meant to be trying to sort things out .Within a few days hes gone from trying to sort things out to being caught with someone else.He is now laughing / bragging about this publicly.
I have not asked for an explanation as i know its futile but he apears to have no conscience despite our dcs being devestated.

In the past he has been impossiblt to talk to , he would fly into a rage at any perceived critisism , force me to do things i did not want to do and pretend to cry , threaten to kill himself , rage and put me down.
He also thrives on sympathy and pity and constantly demands attention like a child.

In the past he has gone from girlfreind to girlfeind , seems anyone would do.

He has also sexually molested me ( he admits this but blames me ?) Constantly sexually harrassed me in a degrading way and generally puts nothing in emotionally but takes everything he can.
This is why were seperated.

After reading lots on narcissm ? i wonder if he has got some sort of personality disorder.
The only thing is , his freinds , family , workmates think he is a great bloke. If he had this disorder , sureley it would be evident to other people ? Wouldnt others also be on the receiving end of his behaviour ?
Or is he just a bully ?

Feel like i am waking up after being asleep for a long long time and am very confused and concerned.

[jazzpants]

am sorry that you are having a bad time, hope today is better for you x

[hopefullandfree]

Hi jazzpants, im in the north west, mid 30s and i have children.

Am struggling tonight, think its cos i know hes cosied up with his new victim slagging me off. Still struggle with the illusion.

[jazzpants]

take comfort that this man will end up sad and alone! he cannot go through life treating people like this and be happy, you will be good in time with your head held high, it may not seem like it now but one day this o/w will not be around and he will be a sad lonely only man. I never miss my x he destroyed anything I ever felt for him, I feel sad every time my son says "bye bye daddy see you soon", that breaks my heart each and evry time and I hate that tosser for that.
Can I ask how old you are? and where abouts you live? and I right in thinking you have children also?

[hopefullandfree]

Your not naive, you obviously had no reason to doubt him, nor did i. We are nice, kind, trusting people and they use it against us.The really tragic part is that i dont feel i will ever really trust somebody ever again.Well, trust myself i suppose.

I stupidly miss him tonight, even though i know hes a fake and a liar, i know hes cosied up with his ow and we are now non existant to him, apart from when he needs a fix every now and then.
Heartbreaking that they take so much then off they go without a backward glance, no explanation, no sense of closure , nothing.And then you realise you dont even know this person youve spent half your life with.
Its a horrible realisation.
Was reading a site earlier and it was saying why its so hard to let go despite the fact you know there a twat.It said it feels like theyve got something of yours, and they have, its part of your soul that theyve stolen away.

Sounds dramatic but i feel like that sometimes.

[jazzpants]

if you can prove the debts are his though you must have common grounds to not have to take responsiblity for this shit! I am waiting for my first appointment to discuss the financial matters but as I have proof that twat face has been messing around with money I was told this would work in my favour.
For example in one day he put £1000 on the lottery! I did not discover this untill 3 yrs down the line when I received my 6 yrs of bank statements,I sound so naive I am sure, but I was with this man a long time and for yrs I believed what he told me, in a lot of silly ways I think the reason I stayed was I wanted the happy marriage and kids and thought that I wouldnt meet anyone else - which sounds horrendous and I feel very ashamed to admit that I put up with this and he pulled the wool over my eyes for so long.I really want to keep the house but have a feeling he will try and bully me into selling to clear some of his debts,I have a very good job but only work part time so am in no way in a position to buy again. Its all very messy and sometimes I see my friends happy and settled and think why me? which is awful because I wouldnt wish this on anyone,

[hopefullandfree]

Hi Jazzpants,
My name is is not on his debts but the soliciter tells me that as we are married it is classed as joint debt.I would imagine he owes in excess of 100,000.He has swizzed me and conived financially and has gone back on his word several times.

He feels i should be responsible for his debts as " i wouldnt work ", and as he sees it ive lived here rent free for all these years.!!!
With hindsight its quite clear that he was plotting financially, before he left he put a lot of his debts onto this house.Soliciter says it makes no differance as the debts wouldve been paid off with the profit from the house anyway, regardless of whos debts they were.
It does make a differance though as the mortgage payments are sky high and in reality i will be forced to sell as i cannot meet the mortgage payments.I dont doubt this was deliberate.
He is a lying coniving twat .

[jazzpants]

lol, I wonder if we are married to the same man? we can then add bigamist to the list also!, my x is also huge though most of it is steroid abuse, did you say you have children together? and is your name on any of his debts?, my x deducts £70 a month for his credit cards out of my maintenance for our son, he says when he lived here and we decorated I need to pay for that plaster, paint ect as it is not going to benefit him anymore! this is why im now starting divorce proceedings you cannot reason with this
moron, the cheek of it is as my hubby is so lazy I did most of the painting which I chose and paid for with my own wage! grrrr

[hopefullandfree]

I also now see that all the things he accused me of being, he was .Sometimes i indulge myself in thoughts of revenge, but dont really need to..He wakes up every day with a simmering rage, he abuses people in order to make himself feel good and he runs from person to person looking for attention and pity. How miserable and damaged must he be on the inside.

I cannot beleive that just a few months ago i was actually engaged in a discussion with him about his sexual abuse of me, and how it was all my fault, i deserved it. And the most disturbing thing is,,i actually sat there and listened to this sick shit and tried to reason with him, tried to explain how it made me feel while he sat there feeling big and powerfull for overpowering a woman who was half his size.

Have had very little contact with him, but i can tell he thinks im still the little brainwashed zombie like wife hes enjoyed for all these years. What a shock he will get .

Feel like running around shouting " im back, im back !"

[hopefullandfree]

Jazzpants, thats shit.Mine also had serious debts that hes hidden from me for years and im sure ill discover more in the next few years.

Is shocking to realise that you can live with someone, marry someone and then discover you know very little about them.I now see that i never knew him at all , he presented a front to me that was nothing like he really was.It simply wasnt real.

I only began to seriously have concerns a few years ago when he was involved with fraud and saw to it that a colleague took the rap and was sacked.He bragged about this and at this point his mask began to slip.

I now feel contaminated and dirty from our sham of a marriage , but at the same time i am feeling more and more like the old me, before he sucked me into his twisted version of reality where there was no boundaries .Feel like ive been walking through fog, these years have passed so quickly and i feel ive been absent from my own life.Who was that person who took my place and why?

Im also acuteley aware of the fact that if he couldve physically abused me he would have , despite him being much larger than me i can hold my own and have been trained to do so.
I honesty think only this stopped him as he knew i would fight back, much quicker and better.

I understand that his ow has her own troubles,she has aparently just escaped an extremeley abusive relationship.I can imagine his eyes lighting up at the prospect of an easy target.

Last time i saw him he loked differant, although obviouly he has not changed.Instead of seeing the man i thought was my husband i saw who he really was.
I noticed how he spat his words out like a toddler, how full of venom and rage he is, and when i looked in his eyes there was something horrible there.How i chose not to see it for so long i dont know.

I think for some reason i was unwilling to admit to myself what was really going on as the truth of it wouldve been too horrible to bare.
A man who sexually abuses me, violates me in every sense of the word, who took pleasure in my confusion and upset.When im being kind to myself i reason that i simply wasnt ready to face it.

[jazzpants]

no he doesnt, he just says he hates me and this is all my fault, he doesnt like the fact that I tell everyone now what he is capable of and how he has treated me, I am still close to his nan and his sister and they think he is a disgarce, he has treated his sister badly over the years also so she knows exactly what he can be like.His behaviour changes in the fact one minute he is abusive and threatening me the next minute he will speak to me as though nothing has happened. I certainly believe he has mental health issues but also he is just a selfish wanker, it was the little things that used to really annoy me for example he would never help around the house and even after I had cleaned up he again would make a mess, always leave washing on the floor! and when I was 8 months pregnant I was still working full time but would always get up to walk the dog before work at 5.30am as I used to start work just after 7am, he never once offered to do it even though he didnt start work till 9am and it was winter, I always enjoyed the exercise but the offer would have been nice just once. Dont get me wrong we had some good times but not half as many as the bad.
h has told many financial lies and has alot of debt probably more than I am aware of he was always incharge of finances so was a bit of a culture shock when I got bank statements from our joint account. I certainly am glad this girl has done me a favour and I know she will be me in 10yrs time.Alao discovered h injects steroids, testosterone and smokes canabis something he hid from me for a long tme, I only found out when I discovered lots of syringes and glass bottles ect at the back of the cupboard in our spare room.
used to be very close to his mom but felt quite hurt as she knew about this and never told me and also knew about the o/w she was upset and said she didnt feel it was her place, this I understand and we do speak on occassion but I am not really interested now in keeping in touch with her as I feel she has condoned his behaviour, which is a shame as like I say we were close.I also feel furious he was incharge of our son while I was at work and I wasnt aware of this, although I do not thi nk he would ever do this infront of our son but he has shocked me so much I honestly do not know him and feel very silly that my 10yr relationship was a sham, but also think I have very good grounds for divorce! lol

its great that you feel strong enough to leave him, good for you! I definately think one day you just think what AM i DOING????

I cannot believe he asked if you wanted to go out - he must have a screw loose!

[N1]

The proof is in the pudding...

[hopefullandfree]

Awww Jazzpants thats absoluteley dreadfull.So glad your now shot of him you deserve so much better.What a cruel bastard having her in your house like that.
As much as your angry at her ( i am at exes ow), think of it shes done you a favour.In a few years when shes on the receiving end of his vile behaviour you,ll be snuggled up to some handsome fit guy and wont give a shit.Exes ow has honestly done me a massive favour as if it wasnt for her i wouldve always give it another go, i was so reluctant to give up on it.

Even after serious financial swizzes on his part and other very serious things , i wouldve always found a possible excuse/ reason for him, maybe this maybe that ect.Now hes involved with her and has lied and fibbed im absoluteley done with him. Have dropped the guilt i felt like hot shit!
Feels good too.

Have been reading and reading various sites today and the more i read the more i recognise cetain traits about him.Honestly wonder why i was ever so afraid to stand up to him.Think its cos i knew when i did he would slope off.

Despite his vile message yesterday that he doesnt ever want to hear from me , he called me tonight asking if i wanted to go out for the evening as though nothing has happened !!
Anyway, went to school earlier to collect dc and loads of the parents commented on how well i looked, " have you lost weight? Your hairs loveley, you look fab !"
Yes i do and for once i feel it.And,,, im actually wearing matching socks !

Does yours still try and engage you jazzpants or does he leave you alone now hes got his next victim?

[jazzpants]

I havent told him that I have started divorce proceedings as when I mention solicitors he threatens to go on the dole and not pay any maintenance, you cannot approach this man at all. H&f my ds saw on too many occassions physical bullying and bad language from my h after we split, if he attempts to speak to me now I just will not rise to it and say if you need to speak to me do so through a solicitor.What really pisses me off is that this is going to cost money as I am filing for divorce as he is such a wanker, so he should be paying!but there is no way he will file to divorce me, even though he has moved in with another woman he still has too much control over my life.They are tossers, I hope you can also make a fresh start, it is very hard at first but I am much happier, I think the reason I stayed for so long was that I was frightened to be on my own and I wanted children, which I suppose is silly I am only 29 so I still have plenty of time for children with someone that cares for me and actually wants to be a parent, I am just sorry It has taken me untill now to realise this instead of being downtrodden for years and having so little respect for myself that I would let someone treat me in this way. I was always trying to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok and it was only after we split that I felt I was brave enough to tell my family things he had said and done to me over the years, now I tell them everything and his family, I refuse to protect that man any longer.I can relate in so many ways my ex was a slob and a baby! I was constantly clearing up after him I have been fortunate enough to always have fab friends so could always escape and be bubbly and they have been a great comfort in the last 12months on bad days. When we first split up my son who was 1yr at the time became very poorly with a gastro bug and was aditted to hospital and put on a drip for a few days, while I slept next to his hospital bed h went to twickenham to watch rugby match and moved his o/w into our home! when we came home from the hospital her dvd's were here and he had even changed the bedsheets for her (something he couldnt do for me in 10yrs) all photographs of my son and me were removed from the bedroom and even a mothers day card. Although it is nearly 12months later I will never forget this and would gladly knife the wanker for having so little respect for both myself and our only child.The o/w is very young and I assume he is filling her with lots of lies about me but I still cannot believe she had the nerve to come to my home.I have never seen or met her and I dont think I ever could after that as I hate her for this and do not pity the poor cow at all for getting involved with him. I have found these sites a great help to speak to people in similar situations.I like you, have never been on a date with an adult and look forward to the prospect lol,
I havent dated in the last 12months although very kindly I have had offers sadly it isnt with people who I particularly fancy and for a while I wanted to be by myself and get my head together. I am a nice girl and deserve a lot better. Certainly glad I got out at 29 instead of being 69 before thinking shit I have wasted my life with you!
Definately see a solicitor, I am unsure of your employment situation but you may be entitled to legal aid, so look for a solicitor that can offer that and in your consulatation appointment they will tell you if you are entitled to financial help.
Good luck x

[nooka]

Sounds like you are doing really well there h&f, and fab new name I don't think there is too much point in looking back except to understand why you made the choices you did. I'm not a believer in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (it doesn't always) more in learning from the past to be more true to yourself and better at making the right choices now. Luckily life is long, and in the fullness of time the 10 years you were with your ex will seem a small portion of your life. Good luck wit the next bit!

[hopefullandfree]

Name change as the old ones makes me fel like a sad victim!

Thanks to everyone for all your support, i honestly dont know what i wouldve done without all your kindness.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thanks Blue, hope things are better with you now ?

It does help that hes now turned into even more of a hardface prick.He sent nasty text saying he dosent want to hear from me for any reason.Yet not a month ago he was claiming allsorts. That poor unsuspecting woman.

Feel less angry about the situation with her but am still cross about him trying to take the mick. I honestly dont know how he can be so devious and be proud of it.

I think the worst thing is that deep down i always knew that he was like this .Ten years ago i nearly left and now wish i did.I used to have that stupid conversation with myself, ie, well hes not that bad, he doesnt abuse drugs/ alcohol and he doesnt hit me or the dcs.
Hes forced this issue of having children when i didnt want to, and i reluctantly allowed this.

After one of them was born after a tricky delivery, when i came home he suggested i sleep downstairs with baby as he was tired and didnt want to be disturbed as he had to get up early for work! This wasnt said in a horrible way but he actually thought it ok.
He had paternity leave but didnt take it leaving me to walk dc 2 miles to school the next day and carry on as normal.

My biggest regret is that i have spent more than a decade being miserable, grouchy with the kids, not going out and feeling shit.Ive often felt guilty and wondered why i havent been happy.After all this behaviour was not an everyday occurance.
.. I do not doubt he has recorded me or monitored me in some way.

On a positive note, i was thinking this morning that as we met when i was very young i have never been on a date with an adult man,, and neither have i had sex with an adult man!

Am not about to start dating at this stage but am looking forward to a time when i want to.I have never found him physially attractive and i have never enjoyed having sex with him either.
Hes an empty vessel, a non charecter,a nose picker and a slob.And as for all this no one likes me shit, what utter bollocks. I am a nice person, i have some fantastic freinds,i am good company ( usually! )and when with freinds i can laugh till my tummy hurts.

Was only when i was with him i was irratable and grouchy but who wouldnt be putting up with his abusive crap.

Will see soliciter next week, i really do not want to stay married to him for another year.Id imagine he,ll go for it now his ow is on the scene as he will be already madly in love with her.
Theres a clue. He started proffesing undyling love within days of going out with me and was clingy and needy.

He bitched about his ex girlfreinds when in fact he only had a handfull of short term girlfreinds as a teenager, even now he still calls them names and refers to them as " previous relationships "!!!
Have often wanted to point out that he was about 13!
He spent his early twentys alone as even in his prime no one wanted him.
I imagine ow is either very vulnerable and kind or, and i hope not, agresive and rude.I honestly expect nasty phone calls from her in the months to come as he will bleat and whine to her.

Wonder if he openly clutches his backside in an effort to contain his farts when shes there ? lol.
Lol too when she realises his willy looks like an uncooked richmond sausage ! lol.

[BlueSapphire77]

H & F

As you were nice enough to post to me ... i know the feeling of wasting your life, i also sympathise with the breaking down and lol..snotting everywhere.. this IS normal and they are normal feelings, the next one as you are finding will be anger, of course, you will grieve for your lost relationship and the father of your children, you sound like you have put up with a lot and sacrificed a lot, the thought he threw you away and immediately found someone else is devestating and of COURSE you will be angry, but it shows also how well shot of him you are.
He sounds a right prick. Time for a namechange

I hope you are feeling better today xx

[nooka]

What about happy&free? I'm really glad that there are some other people on the thread who have similar experiences (not happy that anyone had the experiences obviously) because I think there is nothing more supportive than having someone else who has experienced something similar. It really helps to know that it's not just you, as however much sympathy you get (and I hope you both have lots, and lots of support too) there's nothing like someone who really knows where you are coming from.

H&f does it help that your ex has devolved into such a parody now? As his claims get wilder I think they should resonate less with you. My colleague at work was like this, after a while I would just watch with amazement as she went through the most amazing contortions to go from a situation where I was telling her she had really hurt someone, into real grief that the other person "had made her so upset". It was truly bizarre. But if you hadn't seen the situation you really would have believed that she was the wronged person, because she fundamentally believed that was the case. I slightly wondered if she actually heard conversations at times, or was just engaged in her own internal dialogue.

techpep sorry to hear your experiences with your mum - I hope your grandmother was more stable. One thing with siblings is that you can share your experiences, which I think helps (certainly with my difficult colleague it was great to know it wasn't me being a bad manager, as even my very experienced bosses, who were both clinicians too found it difficult).

[hurtandfoolish]

How disturbing.HAve never heard the term gaslighting but Have just read an article about and realise that my ex has been doing this to me for years.
Think i mentioned earlier that he pretends to misunderstand to frustrate me.

He often quotes me as saying things that i simply havent said and i would protest that i hadnt said it, eventually i would apologise assuming id come across badly or it was my fault he had misunderstood.
Lousy bastard.

Even recently he acused me of saying things i had not said ,some of it quite outrageous and completeley untrue.Hes worse on the phone for some reason.
Am ashamed to say ive took the bait on occasion and exploded at him, then of course im unstable, a phsyco, a nutter, a fxxxxx bxxxx ect ect.

Recently he announced in a rage that hes put up with years of sexual abuse from me. I was stunned and asked him to clarify ( a mistake i now realise ) and he hystericly chanted " youve sexually abused me, youve sexually abused me ".!!!

Nasty little bastard.Feel like beating his fat ugly face in.Feel like forcing my fingers up his big fat arse to see how he likes being groped and forcibly penetrated.

At least ive got shot now, hes too loved up with his poor unsuspecting victim .

[techpep]

Wow this thread is really an eye-opener, my mum has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. I read somewhere that these people are master manipulators and will generally turn anyconversation round to them, it is always about them and how everything was worse for them. My mum for instance will continually remind us that she was a single parent and still managed perfectly well - as though she has completely forgotten (or hopes that we have forgotten) that our grandmother, who worked full-time looked after all 4 of us all weekend every weekend for the duration of our childhood, Friday night to Sunday night, fed, bathed, homework done, uniform pressed.......I think i would do pretty well as a parent if i had this amount of time to collect my thoughts every week. Anyway i'm venting my frustration now-sorry. Basically, if i had a choice i would not have anything to do with people with this illness. Stay out of the relationship, you know your life will be happier.

[hurtandfoolish]

Do all these loony men have loony parents?
Nature or nurture?
Do they all have no freinds ?
Mine had no freinds really, although he had aquaintances that he would go to ridiculous to do favours for as he wanted to be liked.

Could do with changing my name really, might keep h&f, meaning ,,well im not sure!

[hurtandfoolish]

Hi Jazzpants,
Sorry to hear youve had to put up with such crap.Theyre twats arent they. Mine is doing something similar on another site , with lots of " LOL,and various stupid remarks about me.

Have consoled myself today with the fact that at least im out now as opposed to another 20 years.Latest communication from mine is that if he changes his mind re the other woman he will let me know !!!!!

Well ill be right here waiting darling to sniff your feet while you come in your pants cos ive kissed you, you fat little bastard.How will i cope not watching you consume ridiculous amounts of food on a daily basis then you groaning all evening with your gigantic gut on display ?
Goodbye my very own Benny Hill and good riddance.

Sadly i exploded and there were choice words which one of my dc heard. Now feel terrible.

Almost feel sorry for him , it must be shit to wake up every day and not know who you are .
Is yours objecting to the divorce jazzpants cos i know mine will.

[jazzpants]

Hih&f,

I hope evryone does not mind me jumping on this thread, I haave been parted from my h for a yr now and his extremes of behaviour make me think he has mental health issues as I can relate to so many of you on here,I am just starting divorce proceedings as for the past 12 months due to my husbands behaviour we have not managed to sort anything out, we have a son who is just under 2 so unfortunately have contact with each other.

I can totally sympathise with the public humiliation that day my h said he had someone else he posted photos of them together all over the internet for everyone to see and has continued to put our private lives all over facebook for evryone to read. At first I was mortified but as I a fortunate to have wonderful friends and family to support me, I was eventually able to see the only person he embarresses is himself!, my husband lived a fantasy life and a secretive life for years and I feel very angry that I wasted ten years with the tosser, but I have my lovely son andI am now free! its hard but I would advise you to get away from this man, am here if you need to talk and I hope everyone in this thread has a very bright futurexx

[nooka]

I'm going to differ slightly. What you are feeling is totally normal, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is healthy for you, or that there isn't help you could access. I would try and either see your own GP again, and be really honest about how you feel, or see a different GP at your practice. It may be that ADs will help - there are lots of people on the site who have used them at one time or another, or it may be that they can refer you to a good counsellor, or they might be able to give you some short term help on a symptomatic front, for your sleeping for example. The other thing I would really recommend is that you sign up for some sort of physical exercise, exercise releases natural serotonins make a big difference to sleep, and can give you a real boost. Find something you think you will enjoy and try to make it something you do at least once a week. It really does make a big difference. You do sound very stressed.

[N1]

And that's just the sort of good news and positive steps a person wants to hear about.

I wasn't depressed, but if about a year, I just didn't bother with pairing socks up or packing cloths away for that matter. It went onto a cloths dryer and got worn straight from there. That habit has since changed.

I t I might expand on the "half job" point. Aim to do a half job in a way that it doesn't need redoing. Do it properly and smartly, so you can stand back and be pleased. Take a photo if you like. The accomplishments are a positive feeling and the fact that it's one less job to do is another weight off you.

A hug is something small but can mean so very much more than simply a greeting. The intricacy of hugging someone can be understood by just 2 people in many different ways. Make each hug count and mean something special. Holding a moment longer, giving just a slightly bit tighter squeeze, looking the person in the face after with a look of kindness and thankfulness all carry a value and meaning. Build on those values. They are your feel good investments.

Then enter into each thing-to-do or half job expecting things to go right but accept that not everything will go exactly as you want it to go. there are going to be failures. Instead of feeling like a failure, study the problem and try to see where you went wrong, then "grab the bull by the horns" and get the job sorted, knowing that you failed, identified what went wrong and then solved the problem and completed the job.

These principals are the life skills that you apply in every day life and to all "problems" that you can solve.

Some problems are issues that you might want to do something about but the solution is not something you can effect. Keep in mind that you are human and not a miracle worker.

A good friend (I should say close but I have never met her) that I know was given the Serenity prayer when she was critically ill in hospital. "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference".

Keep in mind - one step at a time and a once you start something press on till the job is done so the half job isn't left watching you.