How likeley is it that my dh is narcissistic ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Am wondering if this is a possibility.We are seperated due to his abusive childish and controlling behaviour. We were meant to be trying to sort things out .Within a few days hes gone from trying to sort things out to being caught with someone else.He is now laughing / bragging about this publicly.
I have not asked for an explanation as i know its futile but he apears to have no conscience despite our dcs being devestated.

In the past he has been impossiblt to talk to , he would fly into a rage at any perceived critisism , force me to do things i did not want to do and pretend to cry , threaten to kill himself , rage and put me down.
He also thrives on sympathy and pity and constantly demands attention like a child.

In the past he has gone from girlfreind to girlfeind , seems anyone would do.

He has also sexually molested me ( he admits this but blames me ?) Constantly sexually harrassed me in a degrading way and generally puts nothing in emotionally but takes everything he can.
This is why were seperated.

After reading lots on narcissm ? i wonder if he has got some sort of personality disorder.
The only thing is , his freinds , family , workmates think he is a great bloke. If he had this disorder , sureley it would be evident to other people ? Wouldnt others also be on the receiving end of his behaviour ?
Or is he just a bully ?

Feel like i am waking up after being asleep for a long long time and am very confused and concerned.

[Niecie]

MofTs - My mum still deals with it. If it weren't for her I would have stopped bothering with my father ages ago but she is of the 'stick it out' generation too and if I want to see her I have to put up with him.

My father has got worse with age although we are pretty sure he has some sort of dementia as well now (his memory is shot) so that won't help.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thanks everyone.
He is older than me , earns more than me although he is emotional weak.Am finding this very difficult to cope with , clearly anyone will do , and ive been anyone for too long.
I would say that 90 per cent of the time he behaves normally , these things didnt happen every day but were always bubbling under the surface.
Everyones right when they say that this is the best thing that ever happened and deep down i know that, yet still it hurts that ive been discarded and replaced so easily.

This behaviour only happens with me , in private where no one else can hear or see.If he feels angry , he acts angry , if he feels like shouting , he shouts and at times seems incapable of controlling himself. If he had some sort of disorder wouldnt he display the same behaviour at work ?

Woke up this morning and immediateley got upset. I feel like our entire marriage was a sham and im disgusted with myself that ive put up with his sexual assaults for so long.
Feel dirty and used and humiliated.

[AnyFucker]

so sorry h+f

please remember he can only make you feel this bad if you let him

can you get some help to deal with your feelings?

it sounds like you have had a proper lightbulb moment and you are reeling and in shock

have you support in RL?

I believe the "glam and fab" thread is full of very strong and sorted ladies, who, unfortunately have been through similar emotional hell and come out of the other side

[cestlavielife]

i tried to explain away my ex's behaviour with personality disorders of various kinds - indeed his psychiatrist told me his behaviours (i sent her a long log of them!) were "personality" not "depression" (a label he clung on to).

i joined web groups for npd etc..looking for answers...

in the end the lundy bancroft book explained it more than anything.
Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. please read it.

i also had a good consellor and would recommend you try seeing another therapist - she asked me the questions that i needed to answer for myself eg "why did you stay with him so long? "

[N1]

While I was reading your posts (OP) I got the impression that the bloke might be younger than you. If that were the case, then you are an "automatic" disadvantage re - age because the bloke finds jealousy because you are older than him. Him earning more is another point hi his favor because you are less competition to him, unless he has seen your earning potential. Him feeling better than you in terms of age and earnings should make him forget you easier.

The sexual assaults. Sex is a primary drive. He knew that you were hanging onto hope and trying very hard to find a way to make things work. He also knew that you were trying because you were focusing on the child and wanted the child to have a "ideal" family. This bloke cannot be predictable, that would make you settle and he couldn't have that. So he kept you on edge and tried to keep you suppressed. The quick sex made you feel like a failure because you wanted things to be better but he didn't. The separation is a learning process. You can't avoid it. When you get out the other side and if you start another relationship and things get intimate (assuming it's not another version of the ex) and you get to feel the true value of an appreciative person in a relationship, then you have something to compare to. Right now, all you have is this ex.

During your learning process, you are going to doubt yourself and be unsure. No matter how many times I suggest that you are actually better than you feel/think you are, those doubting thoughts are going to enter your mind. The truth of the matter is going to be that you are much happier and better off without the bloke. He needs any relationship because he needs to feel that he can dominate someone, mentally, physically sexually or what ever. If the man had any intention of making things easier, you should have felt that in the relationship.

I can't tell you that you would be fantastic in bed. I don't know you (and I am not trying to be suggestive here) but I have read about how hard you tried at the relationship and how much you care for the child. I have read about how long you persevered. Those qualities make you a very good partner and a person like you with another like minder person (if you like the idea of having a relationship) is almost undoubtedly going to indicate that your sex life will follow the general trend and be good. Think of yourself as a hidden treasure, just waiting to be found. Even if you stay single, those good qualities are going to be the qualities that shine through and make you the person you should be identified with - an excellent mother and parent and person.

Your past experience makes you feel dirty and used. The ex wants you to feel like that because that makes you feel that no one will like you for what you are. With the good qualities I have read about, your current feelings are a poor reflection of what you really are. Rather think of your past as an unhappy learning experience. You found the problem and are taking steps to correct the problem. Without your past knowledge, you would not know what you don't like. The past will feel like a waste of time, time badly used. "crying over spilt milk" saying applies. What's done is done and no matter how good, magical or strong you are, nothing is going to wind the clock back for you. It's far easier to tell yourself to accept the past. At that time (in the past) you didn't know better, now you do.

For now, all you need to do is worry about yourself, your child and your family. Let him worry about him. Don't look for answers that make you feel sad, the relationship is over and it's none of your business. Expect the degrading comments from tie to time. He wants to make you feel worse. The truth of the matter is that you can do what he can't and you know that, your friends and family also know that. History teaches us well and this lesson will show it's self - in time.

If you are waking up upset, wake up earlier and enjoy the outside. Watch a few clouds and look for pictures in them (usually better to do with someone). Take the child to feed the ducks and watch the ripples in the water. Take a different route to somewhere you have been. Move your house around. Out with the old and in with the new. Small things like that distract your mind and show you that calmness and quiet and simple things have an value. Make a change because the reminders you have remind you of sad times.

Look for a change that you can apply which costs nearly nothing but has great value. If you are stuck for ideas, I am sure that many people can offer ideas.

[hurtandfoolish]

Hi.
I know why i stayed so long , he put me down and stole my confidence and a part of me beleived he didnt really mean it.I was also very young and vulnerable when i met him and now beleive he singled me out and started to dominate me in subtle ways at first.

For now the main problem is dealing with my emotions , i feel an emotional wreck, i keep bursting into tears .I know it will pass but i am so angry its unbeleivable.
Freinds sympathise but i dont think they understand half of whats gone on.

I know deep down that he hates me and despises me , i shouldve booted him out years ago. OW clearly means nothing to him and i suspect shes also a tool to hurt me more.

Have declined contact with him as the children are old enough to sort themselves out, he was offended by that aparently.
Will read that book , have got similar ones which help explain some of this.
Every time i think about him sexually mauling me i feel such a rage i could physically hurt him.

[naswm]

h&f I am so sorry that you have been hurt by this man.

Whilst I would no way condone his behaviour nor the things he has put you through, I do have some sympathy for him. He would not have chosen to have those personality traits. However, he can chose to do something about them. But only when he recognises them, which may be never, in which case there can be no future for the two of you.

You however, need support to regain your life somehow - have you spoken to your GP? or HV? Would you consider counselling?

[cestlavielife]

anger is one of the stages to moving forward - like after a bereavement.

so it is good. but you need to channel it somewhere, positively - do something for you.

you could also read -
It's My Life Now by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock (Paperback - 5 May 2006)

[GettingaGrip]

H and F

Have you considered that you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is not uncommon in the victims of Ns. you need to see your GP and explain everything. You could also be helped by a Clinical Psychologist I would think.

I am wary of typing anything now on any of these threads and attaching a name to it as it would seem that even recognised mental conditions are to be dismissed as rubbish by many on this board.

I felt as though I had been raped by my ex-devilN...and really that is was they are doing. They are using you as a masturbation tool and an object. To have had a marriage, and in my case a long one and then realise that they never actually loved or cared for you at all is pretty devastating by anyone's standards.

Please go to your GP.

[naswm]

Yes do speak to someone H&F you are a victim here. Good luck

Getting - well done for speaking out. And sorry for your suffering. I hope you are getting support now?

[hurtandfoolish]

Getting a grip, i burst into tears as i read your comment about feeling raped. I feel like i have been violated emotionally and physically and worse i have allowed it.

I recently had to have a smear and burst into tears halfway through it. I dont feel right.
I went to see my gp a while ago regarding anti depressants but she declined saying i was experiencing a normal reaction to a horrible situation.
I generally feel unstable which i hate to admit and honestly do feel traumatized. I do not recognise the person i became , i honestly think ," was that me ".

I too now realise that i have never been loved ,i was just someone to provide sympathy and emotional support.

Stupidly despite all this i miss him, i am incredibly hurt by his involvement with ow and constantly think about how nice he will be being to her , emotionally and sexually. That hurts because it shows he is capable , but chose not to be that way with me.
Am waffling sorry.

[Greyclay]

Hi H&F - please understand that your ex is not capable of an emotionally healthy relationship. Any "emotion" he may be lavishing on the ow will be purely mercenary and manipulative in nature. If he remains with her for any period of time, she will become his next victim.

None of this is your fault.

Please make sure you take care of yourself and get the support you need...family, friends and counseling. I am so sorry for your situation and I wish you lots of courage and strength.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Right, I am going to weigh in here and try to help. Darling, you are describing all the ghastly, terrible emotional suffering I too have been through.

You must keep posting for help.

Firstly, question away. You will question your entire existence and identity for a few weeks to come. This is NORMAL. Your head and your heart are trying to rationalise something that is not rational.

In fact it is a good sign in my book, that you are analysing, going over things, recalling times and wondering - above all, constantly wondering - what the hell happened to the Real You.

From your descriptions of this totally hideous man, he has had you where he wanted for too long. Then once you started standing up to him he knew the game was up and tried a pathetic fight-back with the only tactics he knows - abuse, tears, tantrums and finger-pointing. Now that he KNOWS you have recognised him for the psycho-bully-weirdo-fuckface that he is, he has 'moved on' to some poor poor new woman who - if he ever stays with her - will be treated in exactly the same way eventually believe me.

Do not even think about this woman. Think only of healing yourself. Because you will. He is HER problem now!

I could, and wish, to say oh so very much more, but right now I just want to sit you down and let you talk it all out over a large glass of good wine. Because you are going to feel shit for a while and need to talk the madness through. I nearly went bonkers with sleeplessness and despair. But talking and trying to understand and finally realising that there was no point in trying to understand, were all part of the horrid process. You are on your way out of it already. Hurrah!

Don't cry over spilt milk? Bollox to that. If the man you thought you knew and loved and had had children with had just been run over by a large articulated lorry and you were in the passenger seat with him and received serious injuries, would the advise to you be 'don't cry over spilt milk'? No it would not. Cry a lot if you need to. You are working it through.

You will come out of this, I totally promise. You have the strength of an OX dear girl for putting up with him for so long and then for kicking him into touch and out of your life.

Be thankful you are still standing. Because your life is only going to get better and his life is a meaningless, dysfunctional lie.

You have survived this awful man. That is the thing to celebrate.

It matters not one jot if some people think he is a great bloke. He is clearly NOT a great bloke is he. You are on the brink of finding new friends, a new way, a new life. But I know that it will probably eat away at you for a little while yet that other people don't know the Real Him. In the end you won't give a flying foo-fung what anyone else thinks. You will be too busy being happy that he is gone from your life.

One other thing - about the feeling raped. I too felt raped. In retrospect he did rape me. I have faced up to that now. He masturbated constantly, he searched for prostitutes on the internet, he has gone to FIND prostitutes in Thailand. He got repeated sex from me when I was miserable one holiday abroad, telling me it would make me 'feel better'. That week he was the closest he ever came to showing his true colours but I was so distressed I only sensed it vaguely; he became a sexual predator disguised as my lover and husband.

I have gone on and on. But honestly, I swear, I am back to the old me pre-H. I am 100% poorer but 100% happier without his miserable fat arseface cluttering up my nice edwardian house. I am certainly wiser too, as you will be.

May I ask how old you are? Sorry if you have already said. I am 44 and our son is now 14 months.

Keep posting. We are here to help.

[AnyFucker]

< applauds Unlikelyamazonian >

[N1]

It's good to feel anger. That emotion shows that you have felt the wrongs of the relationship, channel the anger somewhere, if you don't, the feeling is a distraction. Some people go for long walks, others go for a light jog (daily) but the walk or jog gets further and further. I personally prefer swimming. Swim as many lengths as you can, rest for a while and swim as many as you can before you leave. While swimming, you think of the times which you felt most angry, which causes you to feel anger, which makes you swim harder.

The anger is a learning process. Instead of fighting the anger, channel it.

The man clearly used you, but nothing you do will change the past, so looking for ways to deal with the negative emotions is next best. Even though you permitted the man using you, at the time, you didn't know any different or better, did you. It might have felt wrong, but at the time, you thought that you were doing the right thing. Now you know different and are much less likely to make the same mistake. You have learned what you don't like. One of life's lessons.

[nooka]

I just wanted to send you a supportive message, in case you aren't sleeping tonight (I'm in a different time zone). i hope that you got through today OK

Sometime I think it would be easier to be bereaved in these circumstances. I certainly remember wishing that my dh had been run over instead of having an affair. At least then you think your emotions would be a bit "cleaner". I'm sure in practice that it wouldn't be so really, but I do remember thinking like that.

My work colleagues, who were wonderful to me when my life fell apart, advised me to do things for myself. I wasn't a great one for shopping, spa's, make up etc, but I did have a style consultation with a friend, and really enjoyed it. Maybe there is something that you have always wanted to do but felt you couldn't?

One benefit of throwing off the shackles is rediscovering yourself, could you try to see it as an opportunity rather than a waste of the last xx years?

Anyway, best wishes.

[hurtandfoolish]

Thank you everyone for your messages of support , it really does mean a lot.
Unlikeley amazonian , i followed your thread and some of the things you described sounded like my dh.( Love your style of writing ).
Im in my 30s. Ive thought about how much i really did know him . I honestly cant recall him ever talking about anything in depth. He mostly whinged and victimised himself. I actually dont know what he thinks about politics ,the kids freinds , ect he talks but doesnt really communicate anything if that makes sense.?
He almost doesnt have a personality.I could describe his actions or his behaviour but would struggle to describe his charecter.

Have spoke to freinds and told them everything , have done this partly for support and also this guarentees i wont let him worm his way back.

I feel like being spitefull , especially to ow but i wont. Hes not having the satisfaction.

Dh claims this feindship is innocent which its not.He wont accept unreasoble behaviour on his part, ive spent money i dont have trying to force the issue. He feels he should divorce ME for unreasonable behaviour.

I am tempted to hire a private investigater to get concrete proof and divorce him for adultry. I cannot bear the thought of waiting 2 years for a divorce.He would not admit it unless faced with evidence and i dont want him to be smug and try to control this divorce.

Has anyone done this ? Is it expensive , more so is it a good idea ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Have just been hit with an incredible wave of rage.When i think of all the shit ive put up with off this fat, balding sad little man i feel like beating him senseless.
His feet stink, his breath stinks ,he whinges that his colleagues complain he stinks, he dresses badly, hes greedy and he eats too much too. He spends half his life on the toilet due to his diet of massive meals that consist of fried everything.He openly farts and belches and thinks its funny. Fat bastard.

People have always said to me " i wouldnt have put you too together " , what they actually mean is , hes ugly and your not.
Since ive told freinds nearly everyone has said " im not being unkind , but i did wonder what you saw in him physically".
I think im in good shape and i am never short of the offer of dates.

I am furious. The amount of times i have listened to his rants and the times he has sat smug while he has manipulated me, pretending to have misunderstood what i have said while smirking.Wish i could beat his fat face in.

Will let her smell his feet while he gropes her and whinges that hes not getting enough attention. She can listen to the explosive noises coming from the bathroom while he farts loudly and groans with the efort.

Part of me truly hopes that he,ll treat her this way too eventually.Can now get changed / shower in peace as i dont have to put up with his sexual insults that were " only jokes FOR GODS SAKE " .

Do you know, he actually looks terified when he ejaculates, and he probably is.
Am bitching but dont care.Am not going to say it to him.

[GettingaGrip]

Please get yourself to your GP. you need some professional help to deal with this.

I divorced (am divorcing!) my ex-HN using unreasonable behaviour. When you say you have spent money trying to force the issue do you mean you have served him with divorce papers using this as grounds and he has counter-petitioned? Or do you mean you have just tried to get him to say yes to this ?

He will never agree to anything you ask as he knows you want it. But if you just go ahead and serve him with papers he has to go to alot of trouble and expense to defend himself, and he probably won't bother.

With you on the rage thing....

[hurtandfoolish]

Rant alert.
He has never really shown interest in the kids , although hes never been unkind he doesnt communicate with them , on an average evening theres a vague , hi, are you ok, then the same at bedtime.

He could not tell you who their best freind was , whats going on at school ect.He knows very little about them cos hes only interested in himself.Really ive been on my own with them anyway.

He made childish pathetic remarks about what my fanjo looked like as my daughter was born.Arsehole.
He also has a massive porn collection including beastiality films and after shes showered he wll oenly bend over in front of me to dry his arse.
Twat.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Lol HF!! You go girl. I identify with the loud farts. My h would fart like a volcano o on the bog while coughing to 'cover them up' making the noise even worse....and I would hear the farting anyway...then he couldn't understand why when he walked into the bedroom I didn't want to have sex with him.

Rant away.

I think getting a grip is right. If you can afford it (legal aid?) get the divorce papers drawn up and serve them on him - while you know where he is. He then has 28 days to answer the petition and he probably won't want to spend money defending himself.

Go to the solicitor and describe the unreasonable grounds...not being to control your own money, sexual molestation, the lot. He will put it in the petition. Serve the papers while you know where your H is. In case he does a runner?

But in between getting very angry (which is fine... and also I agree, ignore the OW completely, poor dear) make sure you have a cry when you need to and do try to be kind to yourself. You are only in your thirties so have many years of potential unbridled happiness ahead of you.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Also - very interesting what you say about his 'character' or lack of it..lack of identifiable personality that is. I understand this totally. My h was the same.

I couldnt really make out who he was. He was a chameleon - that's why. He didn't know himself, and so he just presented a facet to people; he behaved or acted or spoke to people how they wanted or expected him to. He reserved the long black silences and sense of victimhood for me though!

He wasn't a real person. He hardly ever Asked Me a Question. On the few occasions he did I would say 'wow, you asked me a question!' And he was never really interested in children either. It was all a show. He knew what he was SUPPOSED to be doing in order to appear to be a good dad, but when he finally knew the game was up with me he stopped the facade and farked off abandoning all three of his children.

Twanker.

Come on H and F we are rooting for you to get through this.

[hurtandfoolish]

Yes , he counter petitioned. Soliciter says it really doesnt matter who divorces who but i do not accept that ive been unreasonable in his claims of " she wouldnt work ".
I did work, i worked hard in the home and had part time jobs that fitted around the children so that HE could persue his career which hes been very successfull at.

I feel like i need to close the door on this with ME being in control for once if that makes sense.
Over the last few months i have made him collect most of his stuff, ive changed everything round and redecorated some rooms.Part of me knew we wouldnt reconsile.
I now feel the need to change something about myself physicly , a new haircut is not drastic enough, am tempted to get a peircing or a tattoo so that i am differant.
Am probably going mad.
Freinds say i have done well not to explode at him but its killing me.

[GettingaGrip]

So is the divorce still active and ongoing or did you give up at the stage where he counter-petitioned? Are you eligible for legal aid? What advice did your solicitor give you?

I am embroiled in a stressful court battle with my ex-HN. I haven't had a penny in two years, and can't see me getting anything any time soon. You just have to grit your teeth and get through it. It is hell at the moment but eventually it will all work out and you will be free of this devil-half-human.

Sending you strength and love

xxx

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Don't explode at him. Lol at getting a tatoo sp?) (tattoo?) Crikey, are you my sister? The weanting to change phsycially is quite natural too after being treated so badly by these abominable people.

I got glasses (didn't need them) and have grown my hair longer, and am also going to get a tattoo. You are not going mad. You are trying to get the old you back. Perfectly reasonable and healthy I think.

I lost three stone when he left last June, so I have phsycially changed a lot in my own eyes and am back to the weight I was when I met arsewipe.

I dont know if we are helping, I hope so. I am not encouraging you to do anything rash at all. Remain as in control as you can if that is what you feel you need to do. My life was totally out of control when my h buggered off - all areas were in chaos: money, childcare, work, emotions, eating, shopping, just plain functioning. I got through it though. You can do this too. It sounds as though you knew it was over many moons ago hence the redecorating etc. It is PAINFUL - all aspects - the finally knowing and the seeing what a bloody waste of time it was. But you have your children just as i have my beautiful boy.

You will survive this.