How likeley is it that my dh is narcissistic ?

[hurtandfoolish]

Am wondering if this is a possibility.We are seperated due to his abusive childish and controlling behaviour. We were meant to be trying to sort things out .Within a few days hes gone from trying to sort things out to being caught with someone else.He is now laughing / bragging about this publicly.
I have not asked for an explanation as i know its futile but he apears to have no conscience despite our dcs being devestated.

In the past he has been impossiblt to talk to , he would fly into a rage at any perceived critisism , force me to do things i did not want to do and pretend to cry , threaten to kill himself , rage and put me down.
He also thrives on sympathy and pity and constantly demands attention like a child.

In the past he has gone from girlfreind to girlfeind , seems anyone would do.

He has also sexually molested me ( he admits this but blames me ?) Constantly sexually harrassed me in a degrading way and generally puts nothing in emotionally but takes everything he can.
This is why were seperated.

After reading lots on narcissm ? i wonder if he has got some sort of personality disorder.
The only thing is , his freinds , family , workmates think he is a great bloke. If he had this disorder , sureley it would be evident to other people ? Wouldnt others also be on the receiving end of his behaviour ?
Or is he just a bully ?

Feel like i am waking up after being asleep for a long long time and am very confused and concerned.

N1...are you Tom Cruise?

no.

N1 your understanding of how an antidepressent works is flawed. "A chemical" does not work to "Block feelings" - the new ntidepressents work by slowing down the rate at which the brain's naturally produced serotonin is reabsorbed.

People who are taking antidepressents generally don't feel like their feelings have been 'blocked' - they feel normal again.

Depression is a real illness, with physical symptoms, and can be absolutely debilitating. It can be fatal. To write it off as 'feelings of worry and upset' is like writing Crohn's Disease off as tummyache - technically correct, realistically ridiculous.

PS - untreated suicidal thoughts don't always lead to someone 'learning about themselves'. They often lead only to a person learning to die.

Ok. Block feelings sounds outright and I agree, that outright point is wrong. The feelings and emotions are reduced and/or limited.

I don't really want to change this topic into a debate about anti depressants (being a good or bad point of view).

At the moment, the OP isn't on any medication.

Hi,
I feel sad asking for anti depressants. My freinds have been a great help but i will admit that i am a whinging bastad at the minuite and if they have to carry on listening to me moan they,ll be feeling suicidal before too long.

Are any of you on medication ? Will it help ?
I dont expect to be Julie Andrews the minuite i take one but could do with stabilising it out a little.The ups and downs i can cope with to some extent, dark thoughts are disturbing.
Am aware that i need to find ways to help myself and am doing.

Reading your replies have been helpfull and some of the links have been very good as i am more prepared for his bizarre behaviour.
Received an email insisting theres nothing going on, innocent freindship, and that maybe we owe it to ourselves to go to counselling , weve both made mistakes ect ect and other suck up type of shit.

Dropped kids off yesterday and had pathetic attitude, started off full of self pity, how could he ever expect me to forgive him after all hes done , hes been a bastard to me ect, hes been a child , not a husband , i didnt respond so he said he thinks im a shit wife and other bollocks.
Again didnt comment so he called me a stubborn bitch and stormed off.Then texted me saying would i like to go out in the week .Errm no i wouldnt u fat shit. ( didnt say this )

So, the ads. What can i expect, and how on earth do i get them ?

Dont get the Tom Cruise remark ?

Went to pick my freind up yesterday and drove past her house THREE times for some reason and for a moment simply couldnt remember where she lived.
Chatted away in the car then all of a sudden dissolved into tears and had to pull over where i snivelled and snotted at the roadside.

Poor freind , who is a very nervous passenger nodded patiently while i whinged , all the time looking terrified as large vehicles thundered past us.

I find myself constantly up and down,i cannot sleep till ridiculous hours , i am constantly exhausted and my appetite has disapeared.Sounds silly but it is almost a physical pain in my chest.

Is my gp right , is this normal ?

Yes, it's normal. Think of it like radical surgery. You've had several kilos of a useless, revolting tumour removed that was sucking the life and spirit out of you. Recovery is painful, difficult and takes time, but my God it's worth it!!

Don't look back h&f. I've had friends recover from far worse than this. They thought they would never survive and get over their ex but they are now enjoying life too much to give a second thought to the losers. Sadly (not!!) it's the losers who really are the losers now!

Technofairy, lol at revolting tumour. Yes, its exactly like that.
Was thinking today if something happened to one of the dcs i really wouldnt give a shit about his stinking fat arse.
We are all ok and no one has a serious illness or anything life threatening.
Need to give myself a good kick up the backside, isnt the end of the world.
Let someone else sniff his farts and listen to him bleat.
Realised tonight how unatractive he actually is.
Looks like benny hill but with a bigger gut.
Keeps going on about how hes the best thing that ever happened to me while hes talkig about himself in the 3rd person.
Resisted the urge to make comments about a shitty stick to keep the women away.

Right , am going to stop bleating and try to find amusing threads to post on.
Thanks again to everyone.Am not often a cry baby.

I would add that it sounds normal, perhaps on the more extreme side of "normal". Each person deals with difficult times in their own way.

I think it was the red Indians who said that tears were the body's way of showing an over flowing emotion. Some people laugh so much they cry, some people are so sad that they cry.

Bottom line is that you have plenty emotion in you and it's over flowing.

On the other hand, you might be bottling the emotion up and at an inconvenient time the emotion explodes out. I would imagine that there is a trigger somewhere (a reminder of something). If there isn't a trigger then my next guess would be that your emotional pressure is exploding when you are somewhere you can explode. In the car, you were with someone who could tolerate (if that's the right word) or you are in a place where you feel the explosion can happen.

Earlier you said that you were a bit worried to go to the shops in case you started crying. So you know where you are at and what you are dealing with. If you identify the things that get to you most then you are starting a process which pin points the problems. Pin pointing the individual issues would be a logical first step, then discover which of the problems you can solve or deal with.

One step at a time. If there are any half jobs knocking about, make a conscious effort to get those completed. The more half done things that keep swirling about in your mind, the more bogged down you feel.

You can wine and complain or you can choose to find one problem at a time and deal with things. Dealing with half done things is an easy way to feel like you are progressing because the job is already half done.

Hopefully there is something helpful in there somewhere.

Thanks n1, you are right with some stuff there.
I tend to well up if people are nice , a hug does it every time too.

Am going to make a massive effort to look good every day instead of slobbing about . Am also going to, like you say, start doing all those half finished jobs as they make me feel crap.I hate being unorganised and have let things go a little.Theres no socks paired in this house and ive been wearing odd ones for months !

Got some " happy " music at the ready and am going to make a big effort.
Big deep breaths help when the pain in my chest gets bad too.
Have not cried today, so good compared to just a few days ago.
Thanks again.

And that's just the sort of good news and positive steps a person wants to hear about.

I wasn't depressed, but if about a year, I just didn't bother with pairing socks up or packing cloths away for that matter. It went onto a cloths dryer and got worn straight from there. That habit has since changed.

I t I might expand on the "half job" point. Aim to do a half job in a way that it doesn't need redoing. Do it properly and smartly, so you can stand back and be pleased. Take a photo if you like. The accomplishments are a positive feeling and the fact that it's one less job to do is another weight off you.

A hug is something small but can mean so very much more than simply a greeting. The intricacy of hugging someone can be understood by just 2 people in many different ways. Make each hug count and mean something special. Holding a moment longer, giving just a slightly bit tighter squeeze, looking the person in the face after with a look of kindness and thankfulness all carry a value and meaning. Build on those values. They are your feel good investments.

Then enter into each thing-to-do or half job expecting things to go right but accept that not everything will go exactly as you want it to go. there are going to be failures. Instead of feeling like a failure, study the problem and try to see where you went wrong, then "grab the bull by the horns" and get the job sorted, knowing that you failed, identified what went wrong and then solved the problem and completed the job.

These principals are the life skills that you apply in every day life and to all "problems" that you can solve.

Some problems are issues that you might want to do something about but the solution is not something you can effect. Keep in mind that you are human and not a miracle worker.

A good friend (I should say close but I have never met her) that I know was given the Serenity prayer when she was critically ill in hospital. "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference".

Keep in mind - one step at a time and a once you start something press on till the job is done so the half job isn't left watching you.

I'm going to differ slightly. What you are feeling is totally normal, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is healthy for you, or that there isn't help you could access. I would try and either see your own GP again, and be really honest about how you feel, or see a different GP at your practice. It may be that ADs will help - there are lots of people on the site who have used them at one time or another, or it may be that they can refer you to a good counsellor, or they might be able to give you some short term help on a symptomatic front, for your sleeping for example. The other thing I would really recommend is that you sign up for some sort of physical exercise, exercise releases natural serotonins make a big difference to sleep, and can give you a real boost. Find something you think you will enjoy and try to make it something you do at least once a week. It really does make a big difference. You do sound very stressed.

Hih&f,

I hope evryone does not mind me jumping on this thread, I haave been parted from my h for a yr now and his extremes of behaviour make me think he has mental health issues as I can relate to so many of you on here,I am just starting divorce proceedings as for the past 12 months due to my husbands behaviour we have not managed to sort anything out, we have a son who is just under 2 so unfortunately have contact with each other.

I can totally sympathise with the public humiliation that day my h said he had someone else he posted photos of them together all over the internet for everyone to see and has continued to put our private lives all over facebook for evryone to read. At first I was mortified but as I a fortunate to have wonderful friends and family to support me, I was eventually able to see the only person he embarresses is himself!, my husband lived a fantasy life and a secretive life for years and I feel very angry that I wasted ten years with the tosser, but I have my lovely son andI am now free! its hard but I would advise you to get away from this man, am here if you need to talk and I hope everyone in this thread has a very bright futurexx

Hi Jazzpants,
Sorry to hear youve had to put up with such crap.Theyre twats arent they. Mine is doing something similar on another site , with lots of " LOL,and various stupid remarks about me.

Have consoled myself today with the fact that at least im out now as opposed to another 20 years.Latest communication from mine is that if he changes his mind re the other woman he will let me know !!!!!

Well ill be right here waiting darling to sniff your feet while you come in your pants cos ive kissed you, you fat little bastard.How will i cope not watching you consume ridiculous amounts of food on a daily basis then you groaning all evening with your gigantic gut on display ?
Goodbye my very own Benny Hill and good riddance.

Sadly i exploded and there were choice words which one of my dc heard. Now feel terrible.

Almost feel sorry for him , it must be shit to wake up every day and not know who you are .
Is yours objecting to the divorce jazzpants cos i know mine will.

Do all these loony men have loony parents?
Nature or nurture?
Do they all have no freinds ?
Mine had no freinds really, although he had aquaintances that he would go to ridiculous to do favours for as he wanted to be liked.

Could do with changing my name really, might keep h&f, meaning ,,well im not sure!

Wow this thread is really an eye-opener, my mum has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. I read somewhere that these people are master manipulators and will generally turn anyconversation round to them, it is always about them and how everything was worse for them. My mum for instance will continually remind us that she was a single parent and still managed perfectly well - as though she has completely forgotten (or hopes that we have forgotten) that our grandmother, who worked full-time looked after all 4 of us all weekend every weekend for the duration of our childhood, Friday night to Sunday night, fed, bathed, homework done, uniform pressed.......I think i would do pretty well as a parent if i had this amount of time to collect my thoughts every week. Anyway i'm venting my frustration now-sorry. Basically, if i had a choice i would not have anything to do with people with this illness. Stay out of the relationship, you know your life will be happier.

How disturbing.HAve never heard the term gaslighting but Have just read an article about and realise that my ex has been doing this to me for years.
Think i mentioned earlier that he pretends to misunderstand to frustrate me.

He often quotes me as saying things that i simply havent said and i would protest that i hadnt said it, eventually i would apologise assuming id come across badly or it was my fault he had misunderstood.
Lousy bastard.

Even recently he acused me of saying things i had not said ,some of it quite outrageous and completeley untrue.Hes worse on the phone for some reason.
Am ashamed to say ive took the bait on occasion and exploded at him, then of course im unstable, a phsyco, a nutter, a fxxxxx bxxxx ect ect.

Recently he announced in a rage that hes put up with years of sexual abuse from me. I was stunned and asked him to clarify ( a mistake i now realise ) and he hystericly chanted " youve sexually abused me, youve sexually abused me ".!!!

Nasty little bastard.Feel like beating his fat ugly face in.Feel like forcing my fingers up his big fat arse to see how he likes being groped and forcibly penetrated.

At least ive got shot now, hes too loved up with his poor unsuspecting victim .

What about happy&free? I'm really glad that there are some other people on the thread who have similar experiences (not happy that anyone had the experiences obviously) because I think there is nothing more supportive than having someone else who has experienced something similar. It really helps to know that it's not just you, as however much sympathy you get (and I hope you both have lots, and lots of support too) there's nothing like someone who really knows where you are coming from.

H&f does it help that your ex has devolved into such a parody now? As his claims get wilder I think they should resonate less with you. My colleague at work was like this, after a while I would just watch with amazement as she went through the most amazing contortions to go from a situation where I was telling her she had really hurt someone, into real grief that the other person "had made her so upset". It was truly bizarre. But if you hadn't seen the situation you really would have believed that she was the wronged person, because she fundamentally believed that was the case. I slightly wondered if she actually heard conversations at times, or was just engaged in her own internal dialogue.

techpep sorry to hear your experiences with your mum - I hope your grandmother was more stable. One thing with siblings is that you can share your experiences, which I think helps (certainly with my difficult colleague it was great to know it wasn't me being a bad manager, as even my very experienced bosses, who were both clinicians too found it difficult).

H & F

As you were nice enough to post to me ... i know the feeling of wasting your life, i also sympathise with the breaking down and lol..snotting everywhere.. this IS normal and they are normal feelings, the next one as you are finding will be anger, of course, you will grieve for your lost relationship and the father of your children, you sound like you have put up with a lot and sacrificed a lot, the thought he threw you away and immediately found someone else is devestating and of COURSE you will be angry, but it shows also how well shot of him you are.
He sounds a right prick. Time for a namechange

I hope you are feeling better today xx

Thanks Blue, hope things are better with you now ?

It does help that hes now turned into even more of a hardface prick.He sent nasty text saying he dosent want to hear from me for any reason.Yet not a month ago he was claiming allsorts. That poor unsuspecting woman.

Feel less angry about the situation with her but am still cross about him trying to take the mick. I honestly dont know how he can be so devious and be proud of it.

I think the worst thing is that deep down i always knew that he was like this .Ten years ago i nearly left and now wish i did.I used to have that stupid conversation with myself, ie, well hes not that bad, he doesnt abuse drugs/ alcohol and he doesnt hit me or the dcs.
Hes forced this issue of having children when i didnt want to, and i reluctantly allowed this.

After one of them was born after a tricky delivery, when i came home he suggested i sleep downstairs with baby as he was tired and didnt want to be disturbed as he had to get up early for work! This wasnt said in a horrible way but he actually thought it ok.
He had paternity leave but didnt take it leaving me to walk dc 2 miles to school the next day and carry on as normal.

My biggest regret is that i have spent more than a decade being miserable, grouchy with the kids, not going out and feeling shit.Ive often felt guilty and wondered why i havent been happy.After all this behaviour was not an everyday occurance.
.. I do not doubt he has recorded me or monitored me in some way.

On a positive note, i was thinking this morning that as we met when i was very young i have never been on a date with an adult man,, and neither have i had sex with an adult man!

Am not about to start dating at this stage but am looking forward to a time when i want to.I have never found him physially attractive and i have never enjoyed having sex with him either.
Hes an empty vessel, a non charecter,a nose picker and a slob.And as for all this no one likes me shit, what utter bollocks. I am a nice person, i have some fantastic freinds,i am good company ( usually! )and when with freinds i can laugh till my tummy hurts.

Was only when i was with him i was irratable and grouchy but who wouldnt be putting up with his abusive crap.

Will see soliciter next week, i really do not want to stay married to him for another year.Id imagine he,ll go for it now his ow is on the scene as he will be already madly in love with her.
Theres a clue. He started proffesing undyling love within days of going out with me and was clingy and needy.

He bitched about his ex girlfreinds when in fact he only had a handfull of short term girlfreinds as a teenager, even now he still calls them names and refers to them as " previous relationships "!!!
Have often wanted to point out that he was about 13!
He spent his early twentys alone as even in his prime no one wanted him.
I imagine ow is either very vulnerable and kind or, and i hope not, agresive and rude.I honestly expect nasty phone calls from her in the months to come as he will bleat and whine to her.

Wonder if he openly clutches his backside in an effort to contain his farts when shes there ? lol.
Lol too when she realises his willy looks like an uncooked richmond sausage ! lol.

Name change as the old ones makes me fel like a sad victim!

Thanks to everyone for all your support, i honestly dont know what i wouldve done without all your kindness.

Sounds like you are doing really well there h&f, and fab new name I don't think there is too much point in looking back except to understand why you made the choices you did. I'm not a believer in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (it doesn't always) more in learning from the past to be more true to yourself and better at making the right choices now. Luckily life is long, and in the fullness of time the 10 years you were with your ex will seem a small portion of your life. Good luck wit the next bit!

I havent told him that I have started divorce proceedings as when I mention solicitors he threatens to go on the dole and not pay any maintenance, you cannot approach this man at all. H&f my ds saw on too many occassions physical bullying and bad language from my h after we split, if he attempts to speak to me now I just will not rise to it and say if you need to speak to me do so through a solicitor.What really pisses me off is that this is going to cost money as I am filing for divorce as he is such a wanker, so he should be paying!but there is no way he will file to divorce me, even though he has moved in with another woman he still has too much control over my life.They are tossers, I hope you can also make a fresh start, it is very hard at first but I am much happier, I think the reason I stayed for so long was that I was frightened to be on my own and I wanted children, which I suppose is silly I am only 29 so I still have plenty of time for children with someone that cares for me and actually wants to be a parent, I am just sorry It has taken me untill now to realise this instead of being downtrodden for years and having so little respect for myself that I would let someone treat me in this way. I was always trying to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok and it was only after we split that I felt I was brave enough to tell my family things he had said and done to me over the years, now I tell them everything and his family, I refuse to protect that man any longer.I can relate in so many ways my ex was a slob and a baby! I was constantly clearing up after him I have been fortunate enough to always have fab friends so could always escape and be bubbly and they have been a great comfort in the last 12months on bad days. When we first split up my son who was 1yr at the time became very poorly with a gastro bug and was aditted to hospital and put on a drip for a few days, while I slept next to his hospital bed h went to twickenham to watch rugby match and moved his o/w into our home! when we came home from the hospital her dvd's were here and he had even changed the bedsheets for her (something he couldnt do for me in 10yrs) all photographs of my son and me were removed from the bedroom and even a mothers day card. Although it is nearly 12months later I will never forget this and would gladly knife the wanker for having so little respect for both myself and our only child.The o/w is very young and I assume he is filling her with lots of lies about me but I still cannot believe she had the nerve to come to my home.I have never seen or met her and I dont think I ever could after that as I hate her for this and do not pity the poor cow at all for getting involved with him. I have found these sites a great help to speak to people in similar situations.I like you, have never been on a date with an adult and look forward to the prospect lol,
I havent dated in the last 12months although very kindly I have had offers sadly it isnt with people who I particularly fancy and for a while I wanted to be by myself and get my head together. I am a nice girl and deserve a lot better. Certainly glad I got out at 29 instead of being 69 before thinking shit I have wasted my life with you!
Definately see a solicitor, I am unsure of your employment situation but you may be entitled to legal aid, so look for a solicitor that can offer that and in your consulatation appointment they will tell you if you are entitled to financial help.
Good luck x